Reviving Kendall

by Brandy Slaven

  That chair becomes my home for the next several weeks. Never once does Gramps wake up, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. For the first couple of days, I talk to him nonstop about anything and everything, but mostly about Nana. I try to keep my selfish reasons for wanting him to stay with me out of the conversations both for his benefit and mine. Thinking too much on losing the one person left that cares about me is too much. I can’t imagine a life without Gramps. After a week or so, I stop talking. If I don’t, all of those fears and emotions are going to start leaking into my words.

  His doctor is really nice, but never has any different news. Each day is too much like the last and I feel as if I’m being dragged further and further into the black void of nothing that is just waiting to swallow me up.

  Christmas and New Year’s comes and goes without any change. Never once do I hear from Ryleigh or any of the guys. It’s not all too shocking considering I left my phone somewhere at home and didn’t bother to ask Robert to bring it to me when he brought my bag of clothes from my room. There’s nothing that I have to say to any of them anyways, even if they have tried. Which, I doubt.

  I’m surprised when Mrs. Carpenter stops by one day somewhere in the third week. She says she come to check on me when I didn’t show up back at school. I listen to her sympathies and her lecture on not falling behind or dropping out. Wordlessly promising, I agree to do all of my school work if she brings it to me at the end of the week. I’ll have to go back to take all of my tests, but at least this will keep me from having to repeat my senior year if I miss too much work, or so she says. I don’t really care, but I know what Gramps would want me to do. He’d smack me silly if I even thought about not finishing school. So, when she brings me the stuff, I do it without complaint.

  It’s in the middle of one of those assignments that Gramps’ doctor walks in with an older guy in a suit right on his heels, “Kendall, this is your grandfather’s attorney, Mr. Bishop. He wanted to talk to you about a few things today.”

  I just stare at them and Mr. Bishop shifts, looks at the doctor, and clears his throat, “Ms. Davis, your grandfather came in to see me a few months ago. He wanted to go ahead and file a will and set up some other precautionary measures just in case something like this was to happen.” I still don’t respond, and this seems to make him even more nervous.

  He shifts again, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I just now heard about your grandfather being hospitalized. There are some forms that I need you to look over with me and sign.”

  He walks over and sets a packet of paperwork down in front of me, and then looks over his shoulder at the doctor, almost as if asking for help.

  The doc looks at me sadly as he comes over to me and squats down to put us on the same level, “Kendall. Your grandfather signed a do not resuscitate order at the same time that he filed his will with Mr. Bishop.” My confusion must show on my face, because he reaches out and takes my hand, “What that means is, were he to fall ill and have to be placed on life support, there’s a specified time frame to keep him on it, then we have to take him off. If he passes when he comes off of it, we can’t try to revive him.”

  I shake my head and tears fall down my face. Gramps wouldn’t do that. Closing my eyes, I feel in my heart that I’m wrong. We went through this with Nana and it was absolute torture to him. He wouldn’t want me to watch him the way that we had to watch Nana go. I want to fight it and tell them that they are wrong, or that he wasn’t in his right mind to sign that paper, but all the fight I have left inside of me is gone, and I know that I’d be in the wrong. Still, I hold my hand out for the paper.

  Mr. Bishop reaches into the packet and pulls out a thin white paper. It’s crazy to think that something so small could carry so much weight. Looking it over, I see that what they have said is true. Gramps had it written in for three days, and we’ve already bypassed that by far. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I got in the stolen time with him that I have. It damn sure doesn’t help the pain in my chest go away.

  “Kendall, would you like some time to say goodbye?” the doc asks.

  Of course I don’t. Saying goodbye makes it final and I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. This is harder than the accident. Gramps was there every step of the way after. I’ll have no one now. I’ll be alone from here on out. I’m not letting anyone in again. All they do is leave in the end. One way or another, they always leave.

  He stands and places his hand on Mr. Bishop’s shoulder, “Let’s go get some coffee.” I watch their retreating backs in a trance.

  Getting up, I go to Gramps’ side. The nurses weren’t too quiet a few weeks ago, and I heard them saying that he’s officially been declared brain dead. He wouldn’t be able to hear me even if I were to talk to him. It doesn’t stop me from leaning down and pressing my lips against his head just like the last time before I left. My tears leave streaks down his face that I have to wipe away with my hand.

  I know how much pain you were in, and I only want to keep you here for selfish reasons. When you see Nana, tell her that I love her and that I miss her. I’m going to miss you so much Gramps. You’ve always been there and always had my back, even when I made stupid decisions. I’m going to survive this for you, and I don’t care what I have to do, I will make you proud to have claimed me as yours. You can rest now Gramps and not be in pain anymore. I love you.

  Even though I don’t say the words out loud, it makes me feel better having thought them. Maybe somewhere, in some other universe, he hears them. I sit on the edge of his bed and hold his hand until the doctor and Mr. Bishop come back.

  “Ms. Davis, I’m going to leave this packet with you. I have the originals at my office,” Mr. Bishop says. “I don’t expect you’ll want to go through the whole thing right now, but I left your grandfather’s life insurance information on the top. I labeled the one that you’ll need to take to the funeral home with you.”

  I know what’s about to happen, but his lawyer attitude comes off as unsympathetic. I can’t think about anything other than the fact that Gramps will no longer be here. When the tears start flowing, the doctor pushes Mr. Bishop out the door and a nurse takes his place.

  “Kendall, are you ready?” he asks.

  How am I supposed to be ready for this? No, I’m not ready. I’d give anything to have Gramps open his eyes and look at me.

  He takes my silence as an ok and motions for the nurse to flip the switch on the ventilator. They remove the tube running into Gramps’ mouth. His heart gives it one last oorah and then stops all together. In the silence, the doctor reads a time from his watch before patting me on the shoulder and walking out.

  With Gramps’ hand in mine, I sit with him until the very last second that I can.

  A Hole Where My Heart Should Be

  My brain goes straight to auto pilot as I leave the hospital. I end up at home on the small couch with my bags in front of me not remembering how I got here. Staring at Gramps’ chair brings a fresh wave of grief, and it’s staggering. I have to close my eyes just to keep from passing out with dizziness. That might also be due to the fact that I can’t remember the last time I ate anything. The last full meal that I can remember was on Christmas when one of the nurses brought me dinner and I didn’t want to be rude and not eat it. Otherwise, I’ve been living off of what few things I’ve been scrounging from the vending machines.

  The house phone rings off the hook, but I never answer it. There’s also numerous knocks on the front door, but I don’t move to open it. I’ve never wanted to be anything other than human, but right now I truly envy hermit crabs. I wish I had a shell that I could crawl up into, and stay forever without coming out if I don’t want.

  When I signed the last of the paperwork for the hospital, they informed me that I would have to wait until tomorrow to contact the funeral home. So, I curl up on the couch and sleep the day away.

  My dreams make me restless, and I eventually have to get up to take one of my old sleepin
g pills. I stopped taking them, because they turned me into a zombie the next day. Right now, I don’t give a shit. I just want to sleep the pain away.

  The medicine does its job, and I don’t wake up until after noon the next day. My body aches, and feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. I’m still not ready to face life, but I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for Gramps.

  I shower and throw on some random clothes before I grab the paperwork and head over to the funeral home that Gramps used for Nana. Fortunately for me, they still remember me, and I’m not required to talk at all as we go through the motions of planning everything out. Whatever life insurance plan that he had is taking care of all expenses for the funeral. My gut twists painfully thinking about if he wouldn’t have had that plan. I don’t know what I would have done. When it’s all said and done, they give me their deepest condolences and say that they’ll see me in two days’ time.

  Something hit me in the shower this morning; I have nothing to wear. There’s no way I’m going to disrespect Gramps and wear jeans to his funeral. I head over to the local thrift store. Sitting at the hospital with him for almost a month means I wasn’t working. I’m sure I’ve lost my job by now, but I don’t care. If Charles can’t understand the circumstances, then fuck him. Those jobs are a dime a dozen anyways, but that also means that my funds are limited. I don’t need anything fancy, just something to not embarrass us.

  The first rack I come to has a dress in my size. It doesn’t have any holes or smell funny, so I buy it without even trying it on. As I make it home and walk in, I realize that all of the lights and the heater are off. Shit. I must have forgotten to pay the power. Oh, fucking well. I don’t care.

  Hanging the dress up so the wrinkles will fall out, I down another one of those pills and crawl under the covers on my bed. I sleep all through the next day, since all I do is take a pill, sleep for eight hours, and repeat the process. By the time the day of the funeral rolls around, I’m good and numb.

  My brain wakes way before I want to, and add that to the cold shower from not having the hot water heater, I’m fully awake hours before I need to be at the funeral home. I know that I promised Gramps that I would do my best to make him proud, but I’ll have to start tomorrow. For now, I want to keep living in the black abyss. As I’m digging through my bag, that I still haven’t unpacked, a familiar sight tumbles out onto the bed. Mav’s camera. A glutton for punishment, I sit down on the side of the bed and turn it on. The first picture steals my breath and takes a stab at the bubble of numb that I have wrapped myself in. I click to move it along faster. Each picture of the guys puts even more pressure on my chest. When I make it to the one of all of us sitting around the table, it’s too much. I shut it down, take the batteries out and throw them across the room. I hope they roll somewhere it’ll take forever to find. I need the numbness to stay, and it hurts too fucking bad to think about them on top of putting Gramps in the ground today. My leather jacket settles across my shoulders, and I take a deep breath of the leather. It doesn’t smell like Brian anymore, but it’s comforting none the less. It makes me feel almost like Brian, Casey and Will are here with me today.

  We worked it out so that there wouldn’t be a viewing. Gramps always said that he hated having one for Nana, and when he passed, he wanted people to remember him the way he was before, not as a cold body lying in a casket. There is a small service inside the funeral home that more people than I thought knew Gramps shows up to. They all give me their sympathies and condolences with tears in their eyes. I feel like I’ve got cotton balls jammed down in my ears, so I just nod whenever someone speaks to me. At the end, I’m loaded into the family car, and we make our way over to the cemetery.

  Gramps and Nana are going to be buried side by side. The headstone that was put in for Nana also has his name on the other side. Someone will have to add his death date to it, so I’ll have to try to remember to call about that too. I’ve handled as many people as I can today, and the numbness is trying to wear off. I’m going to need them to hurry.

  It doesn’t take long for a few words to be said over him. Everyone starts to drift away back to their cars as the casket is lowered into the ground. One of the funeral home employees walks over to me, “Are you riding back with someone?”

  Not taking my eyes from the box that holds what’s left of my grandfather, I nod to him.

  “Ok, great. We’ll see you back there,” he says walking away.

  The two guys standing off to the side are watching me as they begin to push dirt back into the hole, successfully severing the one tie that I had left in this world. I stand there long after they finish and stare at the space on the ground between Gramps and Nana. They didn’t have to take me in when my parents decided to be complete shitheads, but they did. The two of them raised me better than I ever would have been otherwise. I wish I could crawl right there between them. If it wasn’t for my promise to myself and Gramps, there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t try. I’m doing what I can, but I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. My chest hurts again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get the numbness to come back, except in my fingers and toes. That has more to do with the sun going down and the wind whipping around me. Tears make warm tracks down my cheeks. My knees hit the frozen ground, but if it hurts, I don’t feel it. Nothing could beat the pain that sits in the middle of my body right now. I just…I just can’t…

  Sobs rack my body and I can’t stop it. Pressing hands to my stomach and chest where it hurts does nothing to obliterate the pain.

  A voice cuts across the grass, but I don’t care if anyone sees me like this. Who are they to judge how I grieve? Another voice closer than the last one means they’re probably heading my way. Please. Oh, fucking please just leave me alone.

  “Kendall?” I recognize the face in front of me, but the pain in my chest is just too much.

  The owner of the second voice comes around the side where I can see them and drops to their knees in front of me. Hands reach out to take mine and the difference in temperature between the two of us burns, “Jesus Christ, baby. You’re fucking freezing.”

  Lucas shrugs off his jacket and throws it around my shoulders. He and Teagan both are in expensive looking black suits. Sitting on the ground with me is going to ruin them. I want to tell them not to bother, but I can’t think around the pain.

  “Can we take you home?” Teagan asks softly.

  I can’t even bring myself to look at either of them. I’m just an empty shell of a person right now, and I’d be more than happy to burst into flames and have my ashes scattered on the wind.

  Gentle hands lift me from the ground. Goose puts his hands behind my back and knees as he picks me up, “Come on babe.”

  I’m jostled as he walks us down the small hill. Someone says something beside us. The one voice I wasn’t expecting to hear and one that makes the tears flow even harder. Maverick.

  Goose sighs, “I don’t know man. She’s so fucking skinny. Looks like she’s lost at least fifty pounds.”

  Let them talk about me like I’m not here. I stare into the darkening sky as I count the stars between my tears.

  Never putting me down, Goose loads us into the backseat of the Rover. Lucas sits in the back with us and I feel his hands trying to rub some feeling back into my legs. The whole ride to Sleepy Pines, Goose talks to me. Repeatedly telling me how sorry and stupid he is. I want to respond to him, to soothe his guilt. I just can’t. There’s a hole where my heart should be, and if I open my mouth to speak, it’s going to cave in on itself.

  When we make it home, I’m carried up the few steps to our porch.

  “Door’s locked,” Teagan says.

  Standing in front of us, Lucas turns around, “Do you have your key?” I rake my eyes over him. His shaggy hair is lying all over the place like he’s been running his hand through it. I meet his blue eyes and I see so much regret and sorrow there that it breaks my heart all over again. Sobs rack my body and I can do not
hing but watch as his own tears begin to fall.

  “I’m going to search your jacket for the keys, baby,” he tells me quietly.

  They find the keys that I must have stashed in my pocket at some point. When we walk in, Maverick swears under his breath, “Why’s it so fucking cold in here?”

  “Lights aren’t working either,” Lucas says flipping a switch on and off.

  Teagan’s face is illuminated from the screen of his phone, “Already on it.”

  Goose shifts underneath me, “Can you stand if I put you down?” When I don’t answer, he tries anyways. I reach out and grab the counter for support. With him hovering, I make my way around the counter to the sink. The one thing I need right now is sitting right where I left it. Popping the lid on the medicine bottle, I toss back one of the little white pills without anything to even wash it down. Doesn’t matter, it’s only going to take a few minutes to kick in and I’ll have the security blanket of numbness back.

  “What was that?” Teagan asks coming around the counter and picking up the bottle from the counter. With Lucas standing over his shoulder, he reads the label and his eyes go wide. Maverick comes from the side and rips the bottle from his hands. The fury on his face would scare the hardest of criminals. He takes a quick second to read it then steps into my space so that I have no choice but to watch as he takes the lid off and pours the pills down the drain. Dropping the bottle and lid in the sink, he turns to stalk away.

  That will matter later, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. I push my way through the three of them crowded in the small kitchen and make my way over to the couch. Laying down, I face to the back and tuck my arms in on myself. I fall asleep wrapped in the smell of leather and Lucas.

  My head is foggy the next morning as I wake up. There are voices in the house and I know there’s not supposed to be. It all comes back in a rush, and the pain comes back with it. Everything hurts. I’m just physically and mentally exhausted. Today was the day I said I would start new, but I’m not ready. Sitting up, I realize that I’m bundled up with blankets and my head had been lying in Teagan’s lap. Unrolling myself from the cocoon of blankets, I ignore the voices as I make my way into the kitchen. The empty pill bottle in the sink is like a kick in the stomach. Turning around, I find Maverick leaned against the wall with his arms crossed against his chest. He’s still in his suit from yesterday, only he lost the jacket, and the sleeves of his white button up are rolled up his forearms. I’m torn between wanting to punch him in his smug rich boy face and begging him to take me right here on the counter.