Caden's Vow

by Sarah McCarty

  He held out his hand; she took it and stood. Before she could get all the way on her feet, he tugged again and she went off balance, tumbling into his lap. The chair rocked. If the wall hadn’t been behind it, they would have both gone down.

  He stroked his fingers over her cheek, tucking her face into his shoulder.

  “Maddie mine. Did I tell you how proud I am of you, of the way you’re building this business up from nothing, finding a way to support yourself without spreading your legs?”

  She winced. Did he have to be so graphic? “No, you didn’t.”

  “I am. Proud as shit.”

  “Then why are you so mad?”

  He didn’t answer right away. She thought he’d nodded off. She needed to get him to the couch.

  “Stand up, Caden.”

  He did no such thing. “I’m comfortable.”

  “Caden.” He cracked one eye. “Stand up.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want you to.”

  “I’ll stand up if you show me your breast.”

  “Oh, my God.” She paused and, not seeing any other way out, asked, “Which one?”

  “The right one.”

  Now she had to know. “Why the right one?”

  “It’s got a cute little dimple.”

  “My breast does not have a dimple.”

  “I say it does.”

  “Well, it doesn’t.”

  “Well, that’s the one I want to see.”

  She opened her shirt, showing him the nipple. He moaned in his throat.

  “I’ve dreamed about those for the last month, how they melted on my tongue before they grew hard, how you sighed when I nibbled, moaned when I sucked and arched that sweet pussy onto my cock when I bit down.”

  Her knees almost gave out, but one of them had to be strong.

  “I did my part, now you stand up.”

  He did, albeit while weaving. It was just four steps to the couch, but she didn’t think she was going to be able to get him there. Finally he went, sitting down with a thump and sort of just falling over. The couch that fit her pretty well was way too short for him. Drunk as he was, he didn’t seem to mind; he just draped his knees over the back. It didn’t look comfortable.

  She took a pillow and slid it between his leg and the wooden frame. At least he wouldn’t be bruised.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Why did you leave me, Maddie?”

  She didn’t know what to say. He caught her hand when she would have moved away.

  “I have to clean the kitchen.”

  “Stay.”

  “Why?”

  He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand.

  “Because I missed you.”

  What was she supposed to say to that? There was no place to sit on the couch, so she sat on the floor beside it, resting her head against his chest, letting him stroke her hair.

  “That’s never happened before,” he said.

  “What?”

  “Me missing anyone.”

  “I’m your wife. You’re supposed to miss me.”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t think I could miss anybody.”

  “You don’t like it?”

  “I do now.”

  “Why did you get so drunk?”

  “It seemed like the thing to do,” he said sleepily.

  “Well, it seemed like the thing to do for me to open my own business.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “So are you.”

  He cracked his eye at her. “I’m too damn drunk for this discussion.”

  On that she agreed. “You are.”

  She stroked the back of his fingers as his other hand smoothed over her hair. They were always touching each other.

  That’s why he smiles whenever you’re near and you smile whenever he’s near. Bella was right. There’d always been an attraction between them. It was just when they started talking that things got messed up.

  “Why did you leave me, Caden?”

  “Because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do.” He sighed. “It’s what my father did.”

  “I didn’t understand.”

  “Neither did I before today.”

  “But you understand now?”

  “I’ve got an inkling.” He cracked his eyelid again. “Ace can be damn blunt when he’s pissed.”

  Yeah, he could.

  “What do you want, Maddie?”

  “The same thing I’ve always wanted.”

  “Love and respect.”

  She nodded. She took his hand and draped it over her shoulder, scooting up so she could lean against his chest.

  “You really are too drunk for this conversation.”

  “So stay with me until I fall asleep.”

  “And then what?”

  “When I wake up we’ll try again.” He smoothed his fingers over her temple and down over her cheekbone.

  “I don’t like fighting with you.”

  “You couldn’t have proved it by me.”

  “I know. I tend to lash out first before I can get hurt.”

  So did he.

  “Would you divorce me if I asked?”

  “Hell, no!”

  “Why?”

  “You’re mine, Maddie. You’ve been mine since the day I saw you.”

  She remembered that day. Hell’s Eight had been under attack. Caden had ridden up with Caine and Ace. Mostly she was in a fog, but she remembered him, the look of him, the feel of him. His smile. She remembered that very well.

  “Go to sleep, Caden.”

  He opened his eye. “Will you be here when I wake up?”

  “Where else would I be? I have rolls to bake.”

  “Yeah.” He sounded sad. “That’s what I figured.”

  And again, she had that sense that she’d hurt him.

  She sighed. She didn’t seem to be able to do or say anything right today. The only thing she felt sure about was baking cinnamon buns.

  She got to her feet and brushed off her skirt, stroking her fingers down his cheek. He looked so relaxed lying there. His fingers caught hers. He brought her palm to his lips and, eyes still closed, a smile on his lips, pressed a kiss in the center.

  * * *

  WHEN CADEN WOKE UP it was dark and his head hurt. He had the vague impression it was morning. The one thing that stood out was he remembered asking Maddie if she’d been selling more than sweets.

  Fuck.

  He shoved himself up, groaning. His neck ached and his back ached and his head ached. He deserved a lot worse. What the hell was the matter with him? What was it about Maddie that made him so crazy that he said shit he didn’t even mean?

  He could see her in the kitchen, just twenty feet away, icing rolls. Dark circles rimmed her eyes. She was thinner than he remembered. Her hair was tied back in a loose knot. She was killing herself making a go of this business.

  He got to his feet.

  “Maddie mine.”

  “What?”

  He could see the fear under the belligerence. She was ready for him to lash out again.

  “I’m an ass when I’m pissed.”

  “No argument.”

  “I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

  “You can’t help what you believe.”

  “I don’t believe that. I’ve never believed that.”

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “Because I was mad.”

  “Well, now I’m mad, too. Are you happy?”

  “Not a bit.”

  He walked over and took the knife with which she was slathering glaze over cinnamon rolls out of her hand.

  “I have to finish these.”

  “Fuck it. And not because I don’t want you to succeed, but because no wife should believe her husband thinks that about her.”

  “Once a whore, always a whore.”

  “You’re my wife. Once my wife, always my wife.”

  “You don’t respec
t me. You’re going to divorce me.”

  “Like hell. Where’d you hear that?”

  “It’s actually a simple process for a man,” she said. “You just have to make a few accusations on a piece of paper. Nobody will even check to make sure they’re true.”

  “Maddie...”

  She looked up.

  “I should have told you this a long time ago.”

  “What?”

  “I love you.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  Of all the answers she might give, that hadn’t been the one he’d been expecting.

  “Why the hell not?”

  “You left me.”

  “I could point out that you’re the one who left me. I left you safe in a hotel. You’re the one who traded that in for drudgery.”

  “It’s not drudgery.”

  She grabbed some flour and threw it at him. It hit him square in the face. He jerked back.

  “This is mine. You’ve got your claim. You’ve got your reputation. You’ve got your confidence. You’ve got your respect. Well, this is mine. I made this. I didn’t have to spread my legs to get it. I. Made. This. Through my hard work. Through my ambition.” She threw another handful of flour at him. “I can buy a house with this. I can travel to San Francisco with this.”

  “I would have taken you there.”

  “Yes, you would’ve and you’d have saved me and for my whole entire life I would have been indebted to you.”

  “What the hell’s so bad about that?”

  “Nothing. If you don’t mind crawling.”

  “When the hell have I ever asked you to crawl?”

  “Never. You don’t have to.”

  “Maddie?”

  “What?”

  “Come here.”

  “Why?” She stood there, belligerent, head down, arms folded.

  “Because I want to hold you. Because I’m sorry. Because I love you.”

  “Stop saying that! I don’t need you to lie.”

  “That’s good, because I don’t.” Usually.

  She looked up at him. He waited, but she didn’t close those two steps between them, so he took them for her, getting close enough that he could reach out and touch her cheek. She had a dusting of flour on her nose, covering her freckles. He wiped it with his thumb.

  “I like your freckles.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Maddie?” he asked her again. “Come here.”

  She went and he accepted, scooping her up in his arms and sitting in the kitchen chair. It groaned under their combined weight.

  “We’re going to end up on the floor.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll cushion your fall.”

  She poked his chest. “There’s not much softness in you.”

  “When it comes to you, there’s a whole wagonload.”

  “Not that I’ve noticed lately. Why is that?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

  “Maybe you ought to come back when you do know.”

  “And maybe you ought to sit here and let me hold you while I figure it out. You’re always arguing with me, Maddie mine. Do you ever wonder why?”

  She shook her head.

  “To everybody else you give endless patience. To me you give lectures.”

  “That’s because you do the most foolish things.”

  “Nobody else thinks they’re foolish.”

  “Yes, they do.”

  “Well, if they do they don’t have the guts to tell me.”

  She nodded.

  “But you do. Because you care.”

  “I already told you I love you,” she said plainly.

  “And instead of responding, I brought you to town and dropped you off at the hotel.”

  She nodded.

  “I had some foolish idea, Maddie, that if I didn’t tell you I love you, then it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t come back.”

  “I was hurting before you left.”

  “I see that now.”

  Her breasts pressed into his chest and her breath slipped between the lapels of his shirt. He’d missed her so.

  “You’re a sneaky woman, Maddie mine, getting under my guard, staking your claim on my heart, slowly and surely hog-tying me until I can’t see anything but being with you.”

  “You make it sound like an assault.”

  “It felt like one.”

  “And now?”

  “Now I don’t like the fact that you’re planning to leave me.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  “I HAVEN’T MADE my mind up about anything, Caden.”

  “You realize that’s not much comfort to me?”

  “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”

  That pretty much summed it up. Caden ran his fingers up and down Maddie’s spine, struck once again by the differences between them. He was all hard muscle and she was all sweet softness. Everything he’d always craved. And she thought he’d let her go? Was it because she wanted someone else?

  “Tell me what happened at Culbart’s, Maddie.”

  She stiffened.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t kill the son of a bitch.” Unless he had to.

  She sighed deeply. “They found me on the trail.” He could hear the quiver in her voice as she remembered the fear she felt.

  “Where you shouldn’t have been.”

  She brushed his comment aside. He found it convenient the way she ignored what she didn’t want to hear.

  “I didn’t know what else to do. I went back to my pretend world, but this time I was pretending what I already was.” She shook her head as if she couldn’t figure how that was.

  “Maddie, you were never a whore. Not really.”

  “Pretending it’s not true doesn’t change it, Caden.” She gave him a wry smile. “I’m an expert on that.”

  He touched her cheek. “A whore is someone who makes a choice. You never had one.”

  She shook her head again, denying it. He didn’t like it. He never had, probably never would, but he held on to his temper.

  “I had a choice many times, Caden. There were many times I could have walked away and tried to make a life for myself like I did here.”

  “Make a life with what?”

  “With me. Why don’t you understand? Me. The same me that did this.” With a wave of her hand, she indicated the messy kitchen full of pots and pans and dough that was almost ready to go into the oven.

  “All right. I get your point. You had a choice. There was always a choice. You just waited for the right time to make it.”

  “You always try to make me look so good.”

  “You always try to make you look so bad. Gotta have balance in there.”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t like being a prostitute.”

  “I don’t imagine many do.”

  “I never really adjusted to it, either. But there’s just no way out of it once you’re in. You are what you are forever and that taint is so strong.”

  “Maddie.” Caden grabbed her chin, jerked her face up, seeing the tears in her eyes, the belief.

  “What you are forever is you. Maddie Miller. What you had to do to survive along the way? That’s just what you had to do.”

  Her fingers curled around his wrists and her nails bit into his skin. “The rest of the world doesn’t see things that way, Caden. You know that.”

  “Fuck the rest of the world.”

  “There are going to be times in the future—”

  “Yeah,” he prompted, “finish the sentence.”

  She shook her head. The anguish in her face ripped out his heart. Her breath caught, and she cast her eyes down in shame, the same way he’d hated when she first arrived at Hell’s Eight.

  “You look at me, Maddie mine.” He didn’t give her a choice, tipping her face up. “You’re worried that somewhere down the road some yahoo is going to recognize you?”

  She nodded.

  “And you think I’m not going to be able to handle it.”

&n
bsp; “What if we’re with our kids or somebody else from Hell’s Eight?”

  “Then we’ll tear the asshole from limb to limb if he dares say a word.”

  “Caden, you can’t beat up every man who remembers me as a whore.”

  “I can beat up everyone who tries to cause you pain.”

  God help her, she actually believed him.

  “Do you know what it does to me when you say things like that with such conviction?”

  “It makes you happy, I hope.”

  She shook her head. “It makes me hope so much I want to run away.”

  “Why?”

  “Good gosh, Caden. You’re every woman’s dream, and for a woman like me who wasn’t expecting to have anything, ever, who thought it was all just make-believe? You’re like touching the sun. I don’t want to love you.”

  “But you said you did. You can’t take it back. I’m not letting you take it back.”

  He wasn’t hearing her. “I don’t want to love you.”

  “Because I’m too good for you?”

  “No. Because of how I want to be with you.”

  “You realize you’re talking nonsense, right?”

  “I understand it sounds that way to you.”

  “Maddie, it would sound that way to anybody.”

  She wished he could understand. “When you grow up with nothing, like me, and then you’re handed everything, you just know it’s going to disappear. So I need to protect myself from loving you. Protect myself from believing in you. Guard against putting my faith in you.”

  “Why the hell would you do that?”

  “Because of who I am.”

  Caden’s frown deepened to a scowl, but his fingers against the side of her face remained gentle. He rested his chin on top of her head, pulling her close, holding her tightly. She could feel his confidence wrap around her as strongly as his arms. He truly believed that her past couldn’t hurt them, and he truly didn’t understand how it would wear down on him when it did. Time after time.

  “So you’re telling me we’re married. I love you. You love me. But none of that matters?”

  “I want to be me. A woman in her own right who stands on her own two feet, who pays her own bills, who depends on no one.”

  “And you can’t do that with me?”

  She stroked her fingers down his face. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re so much you and there’s so little me. I’d just get squashed.”