Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  “Is someone else joining us? You ordered four pizzas.” He started opening the boxes while I grabbed plates and drinks.

  “No, it’s just us.” I walked back into the living room with a smile, balancing a six pack of cheap gas station beer in my arms. “But I thought if you were going to get the full, greasy, delivery pizza experience you needed to try every kind.”

  He laughed with a huge grin on his face. We sat on the floor in front of the coffee table and ate while I put in the first movie.

  “Why horror movies? Most girls hate those things.” He pointed at me, reprimanding me before I could even speak. “And don’t you dare say, because I’m not like most girls.”

  I had my mouth open just about to say that very thing, so instead I smiled and told him the truth. “I guess they’ve always given me a weird false sense of gratitude. Like no matter how hard and bad my life ever is, it could be a lot worse.” I bit my lip, hoping he didn’t think that sounded pathetic or crazy. “I mean how horrible would it be to get stuck on a farm and get chopped up by a chainsaw.”

  He weakly smiled at my reasoning. “I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready. But I want to know you, Larkin. I want to know everything. I want to know what makes an amazing girl like you want to watch sad and scary things so her life doesn’t feel so bad.” He pulled me closer to him and lifted my chin so I would look him in the eyes. “I’m going to make you so deliriously happy you’ll never want to watch another horror movie again.”

  He kissed me hard, like he was sealing his promise with a kiss. Throwing the horror movie aside, he searched through our collection of DVDs and old VHS tapes, examining each one as if he had to find the perfect replacement. He finally pulled out one of June’s sappy romantic comedies. It didn’t matter if it was a horror movie or chick flick; we never ended up watching the movie anyway.

  The next day we arranged for June and I to meet Landon for dinner. She hadn’t seen him yet, and there were many reasons why I was nervous about how it may go. My best friend was protective of me, and I of her, but she never understood the way I was always drawn to him. I just wanted to get it over with. He’d already promised not mention our whereabouts to anyone in Aspen, but I knew June was still hesitant until she actually talked to him herself.

  “I have to admit I am kind of excited to see Landon,” June exclaimed as she finished applying her clear lip gloss.

  “Really? I thought you might be dreading this.” I sat on the closed toilet seat lid, watching as she finished getting ready.

  “Out of everyone from Aspen Hills High at least Landon was indifferent toward me. Which means I didn’t want to stab him repeatedly with a knife.” She wiggled little devil horns above her head and then ran her fingers through her long, straight hair, trying to get rid of the static. “Plus maybe he can tell me how my family is doing.”

  “I know. I’ve thought about asking him. I guess I decided not to because, depending on what I found out, I didn’t want to have to decide whether to tell your or not.” I shrugged and squinted at her with uncertainty.

  “Probably a good idea. I’m not even sure I want to know.” She spritzed herself with perfume and then did a little twirl in her gray oversized sweater, pastel pink corduroy pants, floral cluster scarf and brown knee-high boots. Her closet always reminded me of happiness and springtime.

  June stopped twirling and raised her brow. “What is it?”

  “What’s what?”

  “You’re twisting your hair like you’re trying to start a fire.”

  I let the strand drop from my hand. “He asked me to go away with him next weekend.”

  “What? Where?” Her mouth dropped open. “You guys just started dating.”

  “I know.” I stood up, rubbing the back of my neck. “He didn’t say where, just that he’d plan everything and let me know.”

  “So what did you say?” she asked, folding her arms, leaning against the sink.

  “I said I’d think about it. I mean, we’ve only ever spent time with each other here, I’ve never been to his place, and tonight will be our second time in public together. I don’t even see him at work anymore, it’s like he doesn’t work there.”

  A knock on our front door halted our conversation. Knowing June, she’d make sure to bring it up later just to watch me squirm.

  Instead of Landon it was William escorting us downstairs to the waiting town car. As soon as we approached the vehicle I could hear Landon’s arguing voice. “… I’ve looked! I can’t progress things any faster! No, I’m taking care of it!” As soon as William opened the door, Landon pulled the phone away from his ear and hung up.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked as I slid into the car next to him.

  “Yes, it’s fine. I’m sorry I didn’t come up to get you. I had a phone call to finish.”

  “That’s okay.” I kissed him on the lips, hoping to ease some of the stress radiating from his body. June hopped in the car right after me and as soon as we caught each other’s eyes she gave me the what-was-that-all-about look.

  “June, it’s been a really long time.” He gave her a genuine smile. “I wish we could have done this sooner. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.” He leaned over and shook her hand, businesslike and proper.

  “Me too. My work schedule is a real pain right now. Once I get back on the day shift my life might finally be normal again.” A funny sounding chuckle came from her throat, soft and awkward.

  Landon leaned back in his seat and sighed angrily at his vibrating phone. He dismissed the call and tucked it away into his suit pocket where it continued to buzz on and off for the remainder of the drive.

  I was relieved once we pulled up to the valet at the Hotel Royal—a tall brick building that was once a historic bank built in the 1920s, but was now known for its luxury and famous hotel guests. As we entered the lobby June and I shared the same amazed, mouth-gaping expression. June leaned in and whispered in my ear, “I’m so saving my next paycheck so we can stay here one night.” The decor was lavish and exotic, with deep rich shades of plum, gold, and blues. Massive chandeliers hung throughout the entrance and a double-sided fireplace wrapped around the sitting area.

  We were greeted by the hotel staff, who addressed Landon as “Mr. Black,” and they took us to a private dining area away from the other guests of the hotel. As we passed the kitchen, I whispered back to her, “Make it two nights. I think I just read they offer in-room fondue dining.”

  Once we were seated at our table, Landon seemed to finally relax. “So, June, Larkin tells me you just received your master’s degree in nursing, congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” she said sweetly.

  “I know you’ve been working at the University of Utah hospital, but the way Larkin described, it sounds like you have plans for more schooling?” He held his glass out to the waiter, requesting water.

  “Um … yes, I’m taking my postgraduate training right now to become a forensic nurse. I’ll have my sexual assault nurse examiner certification by July.”

  As June talked my eyes began to water. I dabbed them with a napkin, earning myself a satisfied grin.

  “What? Can’t I be proud of you?” I got defensive over my feelings, but she just continued to smile at my angry compliment and grabbed my hand under the table.

  “So what made you choose that career field?” She waited until after the waiter left from taking our orders to answer, but she answered without hesitation. “After arriving in Salt Lake I struggled with moving forward, not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life. The first thing I did was found a good therapist and realized that in order to finally be happy with myself I had to try to overcome the ugly things that happened to me …” She took a deep breath and continued. “I was raped when I was thirteen by my uncle, Robert Ellis. There were no charges made against him; the police weren’t even called. So to aid in my recovery, I chose a career where I could help victims like me.”

  “June, I had no idea.” His eyes wid
ened as he tried to wrap his mind around what she’d just said. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.”

  June smiled, no teeth, just scrunched lips. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

  “Wait, did you say Robert Ellis?” he asked, making sure he heard her correctly.

  “Yeah, do you know him?”

  “Yes … I mean, no, not really. I’ve heard his name before, that’s all,” he stuttered, taking a sip of water, his shoulders suddenly tense.

  As we waited for our food we continued into the deep, dark seas of a life long since passed. “So, June, that explains why you’d want to leave Aspen.” As he said the words I could see him look out of the corner of his eyes at me. I hadn’t quite got to that part of my story yet, and I could tell it was an invitation to explain my reasoning but I didn’t take the bait, so he tried an alternate approach.

  “Why did you guys decide on Salt Lake?”

  “Salt Lake was pretty much our only choice with the amount of cash we had, which tells you was very little.” I laughed uncomfortably.

  “We didn’t come here with much. We left with nothing and started over,” June explained, her face lighting up as she thought of something. “Oh my gosh, Lark, remember trying to haul that junky mattress of Nancy’s into her storage unit?” She laughed putting her elbows onto the table, hands in the air, excited to tell Landon the story “Get this … we spent at least a half an hour bribing Larkin’s perverted landlord to help us drag the mattress out of the apartment and on top of our car. Then we spent another hour trying to tie the stupid thing to the Cadillac. We thought we had it all figured out, but as soon as we hit the freeway, BAM! It started pouring rain … I’m talking apocalypse rain and flood. It poured the entire drive and once we finally got to the storage unit the mattress weighed a million pounds from all the rain it’d absorbed. We were so pissed I thought security was going to haul us out of there when we got there.”

  “Yeah, because you were trying to pawn it to other customers while dragging it through the mud!” I started laughing, reminiscing with her, getting caught up in her contagious giggling. “Like anyone would spend twenty dollars on a soggy, disgusting mattress.”

  “Where’s the storage unit at?”

  I heard the question; ignoring it was just my automatic response. Plus, I was too busy laughing to answer. In all honesty I’d tried to forget that the storage unit even existed. The day with the mattress was the last time I was there and that was many, many years ago.

  “Where is the—” right as he started to repeat himself our waiter approached the table, finally quieting our poor dining etiquette. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Black, but you have a phone call. They said it was urgent.” Landon’s face looked furious. “Of course, I will be right there. Excuse me, ladies.” Landon nodded as he got up from the table to take the call.

  “Okay, that was weird.” June said, stating the obvious. “Who gets phone calls at restaurants?”

  “I know. I could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket but he kept dismissing the calls,” I said, twisting my lips with worry. “He told me one of the reasons he took off after our first date was that he was concerned dating me would interfere with his business. I don’t care if I have to wait for him while he answers and takes his business calls. Maybe I just need to make that clearer.”

  “Yeah …” June tried to sound optimistic but her face looked skeptical. “I’m going to hurry and use the bathroom.” She got up from the table and kissed the top of my head.

  I sat there for at least ten more minutes drumming my fingers on the table, staring at our lukewarm food, before Landon returned, and June only seconds after him.

  “I’m sorry but I have to run into the office. There’s been a new lead in a business deal I’m trying to finish and I have to get it taken care of before someone else does.” His hair was disheveled like he had been running his hands through it. “Since our dinner plans have been ruined, I’ve arranged for you both to spend the evening at the hotel spa. Afterward, William will pick you up, take you home, and I’ll meet you later.” I sat there while he quickly pecked my lips with his hands still tucked in his pockets. I blew out a huge frustrated breath, sending strands of hair flying as he walked away.

  “Um … Larkin, don’t be mad at me for saying this, but I don’t think he’s really running off to solve some business emergency.”

  “What are you talking about?” My knife looked sharp, I wondered how easily it could cut into the cold meat sitting on my plate.

  “Well, I was kind of roaming around trying to find the bathroom and I saw Landon in one of those private meeting rooms using the phone.”

  “And …” I looked up, brows scrunched not knowing where she was going with this.

  “And … the door was cracked open so I tried to listen to his conversation.”

  “AND …”

  “And … well …” She looked sheepish, putting her hands up trying to calm me down before she said her next words. “I couldn’t really hear him from where I stood so I got out my phone and recorded him hoping it would pick up his voice better.”

  “You WHAT?” I screamed.

  “Don’t be mad! Please don’t be mad. But he was talking about us! I swore I heard him say our names and something about Robert!”

  “June! You’re just being paranoid! He probably said our names because he was eating dinner with us! Why would you do that? If he’s got a work emergency, he’s got a work emergency. Why would he lie about something stupid like that?”

  “I know. I know. I just had this weird feeling and I don’t want you getting hurt.”

  “Damn it!” I threw my napkin on the table. “I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want to start doubting him over nothing.” The chair screeched on the floor as I stood. “You know the minute I get scared I’m going to ruin things! Every time I try and date someone you do this!”

  “I know, I’m sorry! I’ll butt out, I just don’t trust—”

  “I don’t want to hear it! I’m already scared, confused, and pissed off, and I’ve been sexually frustrated for what seems like eternity.”

  She hung her head, following me out of the private dining room onto the street where William scrambled to open the car door.

  When I was younger I had the sudden realization that my entire life meant nothing to anyone. When you spent your days with lies and hate poured over your head like molasses, you finally got sick of not having the choice of whether you were going to choke or breathe. What other choice did you have but to turn it all off to numb the pain? But I was finally feeling again, finally breathing again. Imagining a future instead of dreading another day. I knew a small part of it was because of Landon and I didn’t want the feeling to go away.

  We drove in silence returning to our place, having to correct William for the dozen or so wrong turns he’d made and a flat tire that took him well over thirty minutes to change. By the time we eventually got home, my anger had subsided.

  “I love you for caring enough about me to become the crazy best friend, but I don’t want to sabotage what’s going on with me and Landon.” I unlocked the door and walked into our apartment.

  “I know I crossed the line.” Once her lips pouted I knew I couldn’t stay mad. When it all came down to it, I would’ve probably done the same thing. “FYI, I erased the recording. I guess we both have some trust issues we need to work on.”

  We hugged knowing that was all that really needed to be said. Fights with June always ended in a truce. Our childhood taught us there were far worse things to be angry about.

  Without thinking I made us hot chocolate, and in unison we curled up on each corner of the couch with a book and a blanket. We sat there reading but eventually I could feel June start to fidget.

  “What?” I said with one eyebrow raised as I watched her examine the room.

  “Oh, nothing.” She looked around again and then went back to her medical textbook.

  A
couple minutes later I felt her doing it again. “For shit’s sake, what is it!” I laughed, her face still puzzled with narrowed eyes and a frown.

  “It’s just I don’t remember either one of us dusting lately and things just look … I dunno … out of place. I know I’m probably being a weirdo, but it just feels off.” She got up and started to examine things.

  Right then my phone beeped and it was a text.

  Landon: I’m so sorry I can’t come over tonight. I’m flying to Aspen right now to finish this business deal, but will be back soon. I promise I’ll make it up to you.

  I immediately send out a group text.

  To: June Ellis, Max Miller, Austin Turner

  Bitch Fit. We’re going out tonight. Meet at Charlie’s at 10:00 p.m. I’m getting shitty.

  I heard June’s phone beep. She laughed as she texted me back.

  June: I’ll hold your hair back if you hold mine ;)

  A couple hours later we pulled up to our late night hang out, Charlie’s. It was a roadhouse bar and music venue with pool tables, a rooftop patio, and a small area for dancing. We went there for the good food, local bands, and people watching. There was always a unique crowd—some had dreadlocks and some wore suits. Everyone was welcome; that was why we never strayed. I dressed to kill: my tight red pants tucked into my black laced studded heels, a white razor back tank, and black leather jacket. I wanted to go out tonight because I didn’t want to sit home and stew over my irrational thoughts and things I couldn’t control. Alcohol helped with excessive thinking.

  “Wow, I thought for sure Austin would’ve showed up with another trashy show pony like last time,” June joked, hiding her jealousy as we joined the boys at the table they’d snagged for us near the stage. They already had our favorite drinks sitting there waiting for us.

  “Ha! She totally was a show pony, wasn’t she?” squeaked Max.

  “I’m on a hiatus,” Austin said as he drank his beer. “So what are we bitch fitting tonight?”