Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

“I meant what I said back then,” he whispered.

  “And what’s that?”

  “I want to make you see how truly beautiful you are.”

  My mother once said love is like a drug, fast and euphoric. Licking lips, high on the idea it’s going to last forever, until you’re clawing at your skin trying to escape the destructive poison you let inside.

  I woke up to my phone vibrating in my purse. The realization of the darkness that surrounded me came crashing back into my pounding head along with everything else that had taken place. I sat up and crawled on the cold tile floor, following the sound of my phone drumming into the ground. I grabbed it out of my purse and dismissed an unknown Colorado area code number.

  4:30 p.m. I’d been in this bathroom for hours.

  By choice.

  I didn’t want to leave, and I didn’t want move or face reality, so I chose to lie there and let the crippling fog of sleep take over so I could pretend none of it happened.

  I peeked under the bathroom door into his office. It was dark and silent so I felt up the wall finding the light switch and turned it on. Walking over to the bathroom sink and looking into the mirror was painful, a visible reminder of how pathetic I truly was. Splashing water on my face wouldn’t rinse away the misery. I left as quickly as possible, peeking out of the blinds into the hallway until the coast was clear so I could open the door and run down the emergency exit stairs.

  Right when I got home, I got into the bathtub. All I wanted to do was cleanse myself of Landon Black, but the water wouldn’t get hot enough, and my hands couldn’t scrub fast enough. I wanted to wash away the way he made me feel. I wanted to wash away everything he did to me Saturday night. I was so disgusted with myself. How could I be so blind? Sobs strangled my lungs as my cries tore up my throat until after a while I finally just stopped. Like a blown fuse, my body shut off. I lay in a white bathroom, in the white tub, with white noise resonating in my ears, yet all I could think about was red. I sat in the bathtub letting the hot water that had now turned to ice soak my skin. He used me. Everything that happened between us was a goddamn lie. So many questions raced through my mind. The biggest one was why?

  “Larkin!” June’s distorted voice echoed through me. “Larkin! Larkin, look at me!” My pupils constricted as her face came into focus. “Oh my gosh, you’re freezing!” she cried. “How long have you been in here?”

  She grabbed a towel and then pulled me out of the tub. I could feel the pain coming back as she cradled me in her lap on the bathroom floor. The prickling feeling of waking limbs took over my body, but I couldn’t cry anymore. I had nothing left.

  “Please tell me what’s going on. You’re scaring me, Larkin.” She tried to calm me by stroking my wet hair.

  “How can you learn to live when all you’ve done your entire life is die?” I choked out.

  I clung onto her leg and told her everything that’d happened: my surprise visit to his office in lingerie, Ashley’s phone call to Rebecca, and then everything that was said between Landon and his fiancée. She let me tell the whole story without any interruption, recoiling and flinching as some of the words came out of my mouth.

  When I was finished I sat up and looked her in the eyes. “I’ve allowed this to happen. The receiving end of my love has always been reciprocated with pain. I thought I wanted this. I thought that if I ignored my fear and hesitation, that if I opened myself like a sacrificial lamb to Landon, then I would end up happy. Normal and fucking happy.”

  “This is not your fault,” she said softly.

  “Yes it is. I knew better. I was wrong. I don’t want it. I want my numbness and isolation back.”

  “You don’t mean that.” At that moment I decided I did. I wanted a hollow existence where being alone was better than my reality. I could control the outcome. I was the only person who could hurt me.

  “I have to go and see what’s in that storage unit.”

  “What? Are you crazy? Let things calm down for a second. I can’t imagine how bad you’re hurting. Let’s think things through before driving hundreds of miles and getting involved in something we might not want to.”

  “I don’t have time to think! I don’t have time to feel! Landon and his father Franklin are after something. What if whatever they’re trying to find will give me answers?” I got up with a new sense of urgency and ran into my bedroom and started throwing clothes in a bag.

  A few days after my mom died I found paperwork hidden in her drug tin under the secret floorboard of our apartment; days before her death she had prepaid for a storage unit that she’d already been using listed under an alias. She’d paid in advance for almost a decade. I also found out that she’d informed my landlord we would be moving out by the end of the week. I could never figure out why she did that or how she got the money to pay for it. None of it made sense. But Nancy’s actions never made sense.

  I dreaded her storage unit, just like I dreaded going to her gravesite. After she died I sold what I could of our belongings and threw the rest in the storage unit and I’d never been back.

  “Do you really want to do this to yourself again? You’ve been down this road. Those people have power and money. Remember what happened the last time you tried to dig and find out the truth, Larkin?” June followed me into my room and started pacing.

  “I’m not seventeen anymore. I can’t sit around and let them use me and do nothing! I have to find it before they get to it first. It has to be important if after all these years after her death they’re still looking for it. Especially if Landon had to weasel his way into my life just to find it.” Hysteria took over. “What if it wasn’t an overdose, June? What if I was right all along?”

  She stood there chewing on her knuckles, fighting through her conflicting feelings. “Shit, I hate to say you might be right.”

  “Ashley said they’ve found the location of the storage unit but not the key. Which means they might not have been there yet!” I ran over throwing the pillows off my bed trying to find my journal. I grabbed it, my fingers followed the stitching where there was a secret compartment that held the key.

  I dumped out the small, shameful remnants of my life I kept hidden. They were always there when I wanted to reminisce with pain. The key was gone. “Shit! Shit! Shit! He fucking took it!” I ran my fingers into my scalp and then slammed my hands on my mattress causing everything on the bed to jolt into the air. It was Landon. How could he? He held my journal. I trusted him. I shared my written soul poured out on paper with him and then he turned around and stole from me! Was that his plan all along? Fuck me until he found what he wanted? My heart started to ache; I didn’t even realize I still had one.

  “We might still be able to get to it before them. You still have one more thing they don’t Larkin.” It took me a second to comprehend what she was saying.

  “The security code …” I said slowly, understanding.

  “I know you can get inside without the key.” She looked at me. “Give me a few minutes to get a bag together.” As she was about to run out of the room, I jumped off the bed grabbing her arm pulling her back.

  “You’re not coming with me! No way! I’m not dragging you through this again!” I was pleading this time.

  She took my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “I’ve always believed that your mom was murdered. You’re not doing this alone. I’m doing this because I love you and you’re the only family I have. We’re never going to be free of the past if we don’t find out.”

  “June, you can’t. I have no idea what or who’s involved. I’m not going to drag you down with me. Let me do this alone.” My voice broke. How could I make her understand?

  “This isn’t an option. I’m coming. You know me. Save yourself the effort trying to get me to stay here because it’s not going to happen.”

  A half hour later we were in June’s car driving to Colorado. Her boss would kill her if she asked for time off so she called in sick for the next two days. I sat there trying to muster the s
trength to call Max. I was too tired and embarrassed to tell him anything and quite frankly I didn’t want the twisted fucking story to come out of my mouth again. We all had an understanding between us. Everyone had his or her secrets to keep. Max was the expert of secret keeping. We knew nothing about his past; he could be a serial killer and both June and I would still never make him tell us anything he was hiding.

  June listened while I finally picked up the phone and called. “I need to take a few days off. No, I’m not okay. Don’t worry I’ll explain later. Yes, June’s with me. Just say I’m out sick, because that’s exactly how I’m feeling.”

  He told me to take the rest of the week off and if it had anything to do with Landon he was going to find him and kick his ass. I didn’t deny his allegation. Max sounded upset and freaked out, even more freaked out than I felt at the moment. I had no idea what the rest of the week would bring, but he reminded me I had to be back to work on Monday because the ‘Love Me Larkin’ date was coming up and I had lots of promos to do for our sponsors.

  After I hung up with Max I just stared at the phone. I didn’t know if I could physically or mentally make the next call. My mouth went dry and my stomach twisted trying to think of the words I could say to him. I didn’t want to hear his voice and miss him. I didn’t want to wish that we’d never left my bed, when everything was finally perfect.

  My hands shook as the phone rang. “Hey! I was getting worried. I hadn’t heard back from you today. I’m leaving my place right now to come get you,” he said cheerfully. I bit my tongue, praying that I could make it through the rest of this phone call without giving away my true feelings.

  “Actually, I’m not feeling well. I’m going to have to take a rain check tonight,” I said, sounding miserable. It was the truth.

  “Oh no . . . can I bring you some medicine or soup or something? I’m sure I can come up with something to make you feel better.” His voice was playful, yet he truly sounded concerned.

  “No, I’ve already got everything I need right here. I think I just need to get some rest.”

  “Okay,” he said, disappointed, “if you need anything, anything at all, please let me know.”

  “I’ve got June as my nurse.” I looked over at her and she gave me a half smile and grabbed my hand. “I think I’ll be okay.”

  “I miss you so much. I’ve thought about you a lot today,” he said, and I hated that it made my heart happy for a split second.

  “I thought about you a lot too.” I thought about him in so many ways. When I woke up this morning I thought about how much I missed him and how badly I wanted to see him. In the shower I thought of how much I was falling in love with him and how I was ready to give him every part of me, to truly open up to him. Getting dressed I thought about him in between my legs, touching me like he did Saturday night and how I couldn’t wait to surprise him in his office. And in his office all I could think about was all the lies that came pouring out of his mouth, how he went to Aspen and fucked and kissed Ashley and then came back for me to lick the deceit right off of his tongue. In the bathroom when I thought about him I felt devastated. I felt hate, anger, and betrayal. Yes, Landon, I have thought about you all day too.

  “Are you sure I can’t come over to make you feel better? I know it sounds selfish because you’re sick, but I need to be with you.” His words would’ve been exactly what I would’ve wanted to hear if I didn’t know they were nothing but lies. I’d practically shredded the tissue I held. How could someone be so fucking deceitful and cruel to another human being? I thought I’d already spilled every tear that I could muster, but I was wrong as my eyes pooled and tears started to stream down my cheeks. I’d never felt so stupid and manipulated.

  “I don’t want you to catch anything,” I said, realizing that he asked me a question.

  “I don’t care. I Just keep thinking about the other night and how beautiful you were when you lay there sleeping in my arms. Everything was perfect. You are perfect. Let me come over there and I can take care of you.”

  “No. It’s not a good idea. I think I am going to puke.” I hurried and hung up the phone as bile rose up in my throat and I swallowed it back down.

  “I don’t know how long you’re going to be able to keep that up.” June stated the obvious.

  “Neither do I.” I couldn’t even describe how I felt. I’d never been so torn. I was pathetic when it came to Landon. I always had been. His voice made me miss him. How twisted was it that I still ached to be with him right now? That a small part of me didn’t care what he did.

  “I want to yell and scream I TOLD YOU SO. I want to tell you that I’m mad at you for being so naïve and getting yourself involved with him. But none of that matters now. Let’s just find whatever they are looking for and then maybe we can gain some perspective on what to do next.”

  We spent the night at a roach motel off I-70 when we realized that the storage facility would obviously be closed by the time we got there. The next morning we woke up and a few hours later we were almost to Denver, Colorado. My mom’s storage unit was right outside of the city at a place called Ace Storage and Security. As we entered the building and walked up to the front desk, I started to get nervous. What if we don’t find anything? On second thought, what if we did? What could they possibly want in there? Throughout the drive my mind wandered to all sorts of possibilities; I quickly stopped trying to figure it out when I realized that all of the horrible things I imagined, could in fact, not be so farfetched. It was Nancy’s after all.

  “Hi, I need to access storage unit 727.” The manager took my ID and his with his fat, clumsy fingers started punching things into the computer.

  “Hmmm … It looks like you had some issues with the other security officer on staff yesterday. I just want to reassure you that we have your best interest at heart and it’s our job to protect your belongings. Were you able to find your key and figure out your security code, or did you want to try out the security questions again?”

  “Yesterday?” I started to say, panicked, but recovered in a calm voice.

  “Um, yes. It says here that you tried to gain access around 4:15 p.m. but lost your key and were unable to remember the code or security questions to reset it. Not to say that I blame you; it’s been a really, really long time since you’ve been here.” He laughed, gut bouncing against the counter. A knot formed into my stomach. Who was here? Landon stole the key; whoever it was should’ve been able to at least get that far. None of this is made any sense.

  “Oh, yes, I have everything. It just took me a little bit to remember.” I forced a smile, hiding my uneasiness while twisting my hair.

  “Great! I’ll just need your friend’s ID and then you can go back.” As he went off to make a copy of June’s driver’s license, we both looked at each other with wide eyes.

  “Shit. You weren’t kidding when you said they’ve been trying to find this place.”

  “We have to find whatever they are looking for today. What if they come back?” I looked at my phone; we had exactly eight hours until the place closed for the night.

  The office manager handed June back her ID. “Sorry, the unit isn’t heated. Go ahead and go back. If you guys get too cold come inside. We have coffee in the lobby.”

  We walked through the security gate and started passing rows and rows of outdoor units. Even though it was morning, the rising winter sun was hidden behind dark clouds which caused the thick sheet of ice that’d formed over night to remain slick on the ground. The salt they’d sprinkled to dissolve it crunched under our feet as we walked quickly to the back of the facility.

  Finally unit 727 came into view. We were completely secluded back there, and the unsettling feeling in my stomach made me unconsciously wish Landon was here. I shoved the pathetic thought out of my head as quick as it came.

  I stared at the rolling metal door of the storage unit and cringed. The last time I was here I was running from everything trapped inside. Now I was about to dive right into t
he depths of my own personal hell. I took off my winter gloves to enter in the code. It was my mom’s lucky gambling numbers. I punched in the digits until the alarm system beeped and turned off. I wiped my sweating palms on my pants and grabbed the lock picking kit from my purse. Please work. Please, please work. I slid the tension wrench into the lower portion of the keyhole then the pic into the upper part of the lock to feel the pins. I hadn’t done this in forever. My mother thought using a twelve-year-old for breaking and entering would get her off easy with the cops. I’d already been in juvie three times before they started catching on.

  Once I had the pins torqued I twisted, but it wouldn’t budge. I tried again but it still wouldn’t move. My heart dropped. Calming my shaking hands, I pulled the tools out of the lock.

  “You can do this, Lark. You’ve done it a million times. It’s just like riding a bi—” June stopped and then corrected herself. “I mean it’s just like … tying your shoe. You never forget how.” She was going to say “bike,” but I didn’t know how to ride one. Riding a bike or learning how to fucking swim were all things parents taught you. Instead, I was using the only skill my mother passed down: picking a lock.

  This had to work. Whatever it was, it had to be worth finding. I had to do this for myself or I’d let Landon use me for nothing. With renewed determination I started over again. If I didn’t get it this time there was no use trying anymore. I found each pin, taking my time to do it right. Finally, when I had all the pins set, I twisted the lock and it clicked open. OPEN!

  “I opened it!” I almost jumped into June’s arms screaming.

  We tossed the rolling door upward and grabbed the moldy mattress that blocked our way, sliding it out of the unit, leaning it against the building. My jubilant mood soon turned sour as June and I just sat there gaping at the contents inside. Time has a certain smell; I held my breath as rotted, dank mildew and dust trampled my nose. The storage unit wasn’t very big but it was filled to the brim, stacked and crammed with of all of my mother’s shit. It was so overwhelming to look at that I had no clue where we should even begin. Nancy’s belongings sat there discarded to rot, never to be remembered. Just like her life.