by Edie Claire
“She’s going to be fine,” Micah assured. “But she’s had a rough time of it, and she’s exhausted. She’s sleeping right now, but you can come in. I just didn’t want to wake her. Let Tim and me put the baby down and we’ll leave you alone for a while.” She frowned slightly. “They won’t let us take the baby out of Haley’s room and we can’t be in the nursery, so it’s been frustrating — I’m afraid Haley hasn’t gotten much sleep.”
Ben said nothing. Two more seconds, and he was going to bust his way in.
Micah seemed to read his mind. She stepped back and opened the door. Ben entered to find the small room darkened by pulled curtains. A man, presumably Tim, sat in a chair by the window holding a bundle. Ben nodded to him, then zoned in on Haley.
Her face was in shadow, but the gentle rise and fall of the sheets over her chest comforted him immediately. She looked peaceful. He reached for the chair that sat next to the empty bassinet, moved it quietly to her bedside, and sat down.
As his eyes adjusted to the light, his heart began to beat faster again. Haley’s arms and face were swollen, and there were wretched dark circles under her eyes. The hair that splayed over her pillow was stringy, and her lips looked chapped.
Ben continued to watch her breathe while in his peripheral vision he saw Tim rise and settle the bundle into the bassinet. After a moment, Micah touched Ben’s shoulder. “We’ll be in the cafeteria,” she whispered. “Call me if the baby wakes up; we’ll come right back. You have my number?”
He nodded, and the new parents slipped out.
Ben took the hand Haley had left outside the blanket and cradled it in his. Even her fingers were swollen and puffy. Feeling another rush of angst, he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it.
Haley’s eyes fluttered open. She looked around in confusion for a moment, but when she saw him, her face lit instantly with a smile. “Ben!” she said hoarsely.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he apologized. He hadn’t meant to, but he couldn’t say he was sorry. The sight of her beautiful green eyes looking so bright and alive was entirely too soothing to his soul. “How are you feeling?”
“Fabulous,” she answered with no trace of sarcasm. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I knew the labor could take a while and I didn’t want you to worry about me all through Christmas. But when they said I’d need a c-section I told Micah—”
“It’s okay,” he said quickly. “I didn’t expect you to call. They kept me informed.”
Haley looked concerned. “Micah called you?”
“No. Your mother.”
“Oh,” Haley said heavily. “I’m sorry.”
For the first time in many hours, Ben allowed himself a chuckle. “Yeah, well. It worked out all right. Tim grabbed the phone and saved me.”
Haley smiled. “Tim’s a good guy.” She attempted to sit up, but winced. Ben quickly helped her raise the head of the bed. Once settled more upright, she became fully alert. “Why is it so dark in here? Can you open the curtains? I want to see you better!”
Ben did as she requested, and Haley grinned at him. “I know I look awful,” she said with a laugh. “But what’s your excuse? Are you trying to make me feel better?”
Ben grinned back. He couldn’t even remember his last shower. “Sorry.”
“Did something happen to you?” she asked with sudden distress.
Ben looked at her in disbelief. “The only thing that happened to me is that I spent one sleepless night in an airport. You just went through a day-long labor followed by a c-section on top of preeclampsia — the last thing you should worry about is me!”
She shrugged. “I’m fine now. Have you seen the baby?”
Ben didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The magnitude of what she had done for her sister still didn’t seem to register.
“Take a peek!” Haley urged, gesturing toward the bassinet.
Ben honestly hadn’t given a thought to the baby, but at Haley’s insistence, he stepped over and peered down at the sleeping bundle. She was uncommonly beautiful for a newborn, with a delicate bone structure set in a perfectly round face, unblemished pink skin, and thick white-blond hair. “Hello, Fred,” he said gently.
Haley chuckled. “Shh! That was our secret, remember? Her name is Sophia Jane.”
“She’s beautiful,” he praised. “I would say she looks like you, but—”
“But you’d be lying, because she looks exactly like Micah.” Haley laughed again, and the sound of her low, melodic voice made his heart skip. He loved her voice. He wished he could hear it more. No, he would hear it more. He was going to make it happen.
He returned to her bedside, sat down again, and took her hand. “How are you feeling, Haley, really? Don’t fake anything for my benefit.”
She shrugged again. “The labor wasn’t fun, but that’s all kind of a blur, now. And when the incision hurts I can take whatever I want, since I’m not nursing.” She raised his hand to her face, holding his knuckles against her cheek. “All that matters is that Sophia is healthy and happy… and over there.” She grinned at him. “I’m singular again. And the next time you see me, I promise I’ll look a whole lot better than this.”
She moved his hand to her mouth and nibbled on his index finger.
His reaction was strong and immediate. He tried to draw back his hand, but Haley held it, grinning at him. “Don’t look so scandalized, Captain,” she teased. “I assure you, you’re perfectly safe from me. For the moment, anyway.”
For a long time, Ben could think of nothing to say. He had expected her to be tired, to be nauseous, to be miserably overwhelmed and cranky. For her to be so ebullient and claim to feel so good was too wonderful a surprise to be believed. She had to be faking it. Either that, or she was a little delirious.
“Talk to me,” she said wistfully, sinking back into her pillows a little. She still held tight to his hand. “How was Christmas with your family?”
Ben indulged her curiosity about his holiday, but his mind was hopelessly distracted. There was too much he needed to say to her. When at last she ran out of questions about his sisters and parents and nieces and nephews, he steered the conversation back on his intended course.
“Haley,” he began, holding both her hands in his. “I need to ask you something. I need to know how you would feel about my moving to Southern California.”
She blinked at him. He tried to read her eyes, but her emotions seemed garbled. She made no response.
“I’ve been thinking about it a long time,” he said quietly. “And it’s what I want to do.” He pulled her hands to his mouth and kissed them. “I love you, Haley. I’m not going to be happy anywhere unless we’re together, and the best place for us to be together is right here. I just need to know if that’s what you want, too.”
Still, she merely stared at him. Her chest heaved under her thin nightgown. For the life of him, he couldn’t tell if she was delighted or horrified. Somehow, it looked like both.
“I love you, too,” she said finally, her voice cracking. “But…”
She trailed off. He waited for her to finish, but maddeningly, she did not. “But what?” he prompted.
“But I don’t want kids!” she blurted.
Ben was taken aback. Literally. He scooted several inches in his chair. “Haley, what… I mean, where did that come from?”
Her eyes swam with angst. “I don’t want children of my own,” she said stiffly. “I never have. I should have mentioned it before, but it just never seemed to come up, and I was too afraid that you… Well, you have a right to know.”
She squeezed his hands. “It’s not that I don’t like kids,” she continued earnestly. “I’m really looking forward to being an aunt. It’s just that… well, ever since I can remember, Micah has always wanted to be a mom. She’s wanted to bake cookies and plan birthday parties and start family traditions and host the holidays and mold somebody’s little mind. Whatever gene it is that causes that, whatever evolutionary instinct it comes from, I just don�
�t have it. When I think about my future I see a lot of things I want to do, but being a parent isn’t one of them. People always told me that when I fell in love I would change my mind, but I love you, and my mind hasn’t changed. I’m sorry.”
Ben’s head spun. He felt like he’d been dropped down into some alternative universe. “Don’t apologize to me,” he stammered.
“But I am sorry,” she insisted. “I shouldn’t have waited so long to say anything. I know how much you love your nieces and nephews—”
“Haley!” he interrupted, his spirits lightening. “I don’t want kids, either.”
“What?” she breathed.
“I don’t want kids, either,” he repeated, smiling at her. It was almost like some cosmic joke. Then again, the two of them thought so much alike about so many things… “I do love my nieces and nephews,” he explained. “But part of the reason I put so much effort into being everybody’s favorite uncle is because that’s all I ever plan to be. Kids are wonderful creatures, but they need stability, and I’m not a stable guy. I’m a nomad.”
Haley regarded him skeptically. “Are you lying to me?”
He leaned down and kissed her lightly on the lips. “I’ve never lied to you. I swear, I don’t want children of my own, either. And I thought about telling you that a couple times, too, but I never got the nerve. So if that’s all the ammo you’ve got to keep me from moving here, you’ll have to think of something else.”
The baby stirred a little in her bassinet, and they lowered their voices.
“Do you really, honest to God, want to move here, Ben?” Haley asked, her green eyes moistening.
“I really do,” he answered. It was, after all, the only solution. He had one caveat, and he would state that now. “There’s only one thing I ask: that you be open to moving somewhere else someday. I don’t think I’d be happy here forever. But I can be happy here now. As long as I’m with you.”
She studied him intently. “I wish I could completely believe you,” she said, her voice dropping close to a whisper. “But I know how much you love Alaska. And Hawaii. If you give all that up for me, eventually you’re bound to resent it.”
Ben looked back into her puffy, blotchy face, and his teeth clenched. “Excuse me, counselor,” he said firmly. “But your hypocrisy is showing. You have been sacrificing what you want for the people you love your whole damn life. You became a lawyer because it’s what your dad wanted. You gave up your youth to take care of a mother who should have been taking care of you and a sister who should have been taking care of herself. You gave up your body, your health, and nine months of your life so that Micah could have a biological child. And you gave up four years of experience in environmental law for me.”
He pulled her hands close to his face again. “So if I decide to sacrifice one small damn thing for you, the least you can do is shut up and accept it graciously!”
Their gazes locked. He stared her down without mercy. At last, her eyes blinked with tears and her lips curved into a smile.
“Aye, aye, Captain,” she replied.
Chapter 31
“Now, just wait,” Micah said excitedly, holding Sophia up in her lap. “She’ll do it again in a second!”
Haley smiled. She and her sister were sitting on a bench at a playground near the Balboa Pier, taking a rest from Haley’s daily beach walk. Ten days after the birth, Sophia was starting to gain weight, and Haley was starting to lose it. They were both getting stronger every day. And so was Micah.
“Here it—Oh, no. That wasn’t it.” Micah had her feet propped up on the parked stroller, and she leaned the baby back against her thighs. “I swear, she’ll do it again. Just keep watching.”
“What am I looking for?” Haley asked with amusement.
“You’ll know it when you see it,” Micah retorted. A moment later, she sucked in a breath. “There, look!”
Haley stared into her niece’s adorably perfect little face, which had begun to screw up in consternation. The baby clenched her little fists and squiggled down lower in the soft pink fabric that engulfed her. It was a full-blown baby pout, and as Haley started to giggle at its cuteness, another face popped into her mind.
“Aunt Janie!” she said with a gasp. “Oh, my God. It’s her mad face!”
Micah exploded into laughter. “Isn’t it? I told Tim you’d see it, too!”
Haley grinned broadly. Janie had always been good-natured, but whenever the girls tracked mud in the house or made noise after nine PM, the “mad face” would warn them that apologies were expected. It was, despite its implications, a warm and happy sight that Haley still missed.
“I can see so much of Aunt Janie in her,” Micah said fondly. “Her eyes are the same color. And definitely the shape of her chin.” She pulled the baby closer and dropped a kiss on the top of her soft blond head. “What can we say? She’s perfect.”
“Yes, she is,” Haley agreed. She looked out across the beach toward the sound of waves, but from where they sat, she couldn’t see the ocean. Sophia was indeed a little miracle. Micah and Tim both appeared to be deliriously happy, despite their claims that the baby howled every hour all night long. If Haley had ever harbored doubts about the wisdom of her decision, seeing the reflection of her aunt’s face just now had officially put them to rest.
Micah was a mom. She had a loving husband, a nice place to live, and everything else she’d ever dreamed of. Perhaps now it would be Haley’s turn.
“Haley,” Micah said softly, “have you set a date yet to go to Maui? You’ve been recovering so quickly. I’m sure when you go in tomorrow you’ll get the all-clear to drive again. You really should just go. Why not spend the rest of your maternity leave there, with Ben?”
Haley shook her head uncertainly. “No. I don’t know. I haven’t made any plans yet.”
Micah was quiet for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was low and determined. “Listen to me, Haley. You have that look in your eye again, and I don’t like it. It’s that sad look. I know you’re not depressed — you’re doing great physically and you have more energy than I do. But you’re not happy. And I don’t understand why. Ben is coming! It’s only a matter of time. He said he thought he could be here by the end of April, right? And if you go to Maui now, you can stay there with him until March. So what’s the problem?”
Haley looked back out toward the ocean she couldn’t see. She wished she could answer her sister’s question. In some ways, she felt wonderful. It felt amazingly good not to be pregnant anymore. The retained fluid was almost all gone and her incision didn’t hurt nearly as much as she expected it would. But she had a long way to go to get her real body back, and that bothered her more than she wanted to admit. It seemed incredibly shallow, but she didn’t want Ben to see her like this. She didn’t want to limp and wince her way to Maui, obligating him to take care of her while she ever-so-slowly got back to normal. If her pregnancy had been his doing, that would be different. But the only thing he had gotten out of her adventure was a free trial at monkhood.
“I’m not ready to go to Maui yet,” Haley said evasively. “But soon, maybe. We’ll see.” She could feel her sister’s eyes on her, studying her. Micah wasn’t fooled. She was merely planning a new angle of attack.
“Have you talked about what he’s going to do when he gets here?” Micah asked. “Has he applied for a job yet?”
Haley nodded. “He’s contacted all the whale-watching companies. He was looking into that before Christmas, actually. But he doesn’t know anything yet. There aren’t that many of them. He says he could take any kind of captain job, though. Charter, sightseeing, fishing.”
“Well, that’s good!” Micah said brightly. “If he can’t get what he wants at first, I’m sure an opening will come up eventually. Will he move in with you?”
Haley’s mouth twisted. “Not unless I can get him to marry me.”
“Are you serious?” Sophia started to fuss, and Micah stood up with her and bounced slightly. “I mean
, by all means, yes — marry the man! But why won’t he move into your apartment?”
Haley did her best to explain the chip on Ben’s shoulder without making him sound sexist.
“Yikes,” Micah said sympathetically, reaching for Sophia’s bottle. “So where do you think he’ll be until you get that ring on his finger? Somewhere in Santa Ana, maybe? I hope he won’t wind up all the way out in Riverside!”
Haley felt herself frowning again. “I don’t know.”
It wasn’t a subject she liked to think about. Her own commute was long enough. Ben would hate commuting. He would hate every second of it.
“Haley,” Micah said heavily. “You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“That damned sad look!” Micah gave up on the bottle and laid Sophia in her baby seat. She sat down next to Haley again and began to rock the stroller back and forth gently. “We’re going to get to the root of this right now. What were you thinking about? Tell me!”
Haley sighed again. That was at least twice in the last hour; she had to stop. She might as well be honest, too.
“Ben isn’t going to like it here, Micah,” she lamented. “He isn’t going to be happy.”
Micah studied her. “Did he say that?”
“Of course not. He’s doing it for me. He insists everything will work out fine, that if he can’t find work as a captain, he’ll go ahead and go back to school and get his doctorate in oceanography. He says he’s always planned to do that anyway. Someday.”
“That sounds perfect!” Micah agreed. “Haley, if this is something he wants to do, why are you second-guessing him? Is it so wrong for someone else to make a sacrifice for you for a change?”
Haley looked at her sister in surprise. “That’s what he said.”
Micah rolled her eyes. “Well, he’s right! Obviously.”
Haley’s eyes drifted to her shoes. A few feet away from them, a seagull was toying with a plastic wrapper. It lifted the trash in its beak, struggled with it as if trying to determine whether it was edible, then released it. The plastic blew away on the breeze, and the gull turned its attention to another piece of litter.