by Edie Claire
“It’s more than just Ben’s not being happy,” Haley said slowly, at last voicing the disquiet that had been steadily growing inside her. “It’s me. Do you remember my friend Lois, from high school?”
“Loey?” Micah replied, brightening. “Of course! I mean, she was more your friend than mine, but I always liked her. Why?”
“I called her the other day. I wanted to see if we could go out to lunch or something.”
“That’s nice.”
“No, it isn’t,” Haley retorted, her voice suddenly bitter. “She and her husband moved to Toronto six months ago. All the years I’ve worked at the firm, she lived within ten minutes of me. But I didn’t see her once. We tried to get together a half dozen times, and I always wound up having to cancel. Eventually, she stopped calling. Now, she’s gone.” Haley’s cheeks flared with heat. “Do you realize I honestly can’t remember the last time I went out with a friend — to do anything? I’m not sure I even have any friends left!” She stood up, fighting another wince. “Did Mom tell you about the paint job?”
Micah looked at her blankly.
“To the side of the picture window in my bedroom,” Haley continued, “there’s a strip of wall that’s still white. It got primed, but never painted. I’ve lived in that apartment almost a year, and not once did I ever notice until I got stuck on bed rest. And you know why that is? Because I’m never there in the daylight!”
Sophia had stopped squawking. Haley had noticed that her own voice often seemed to calm the baby. But Micah’s attention was focused on her sister.
“You work too much, Haley,” Micah said softly. “I’ve always said that.”
“So has everyone else!” Haley exclaimed. “But you have to understand. My job just can’t be done well any other way. It’s the nature of the beast. That’s why it pays so much. That’s why so few people make it to the top. I was on track to be one of those people, Micah, and it got to be like an addiction. I worked hard, I did well, and the rewards just showered down. I could see how single-minded I was becoming; I could see how everything else in my life — even the things I used to enjoy the most — was slipping away. But I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop because stopping was synonymous with failure. Failure and irresponsibility.”
Haley paced a few steps. Micah watched her, but said nothing.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy being an attorney. I don’t regret going to law school, even if I did do it for Dad. I like the work; it’s always been a good fit for me. But having this kind of job, at this level with this firm, is costing me everything else in my life!”
Haley felt suddenly tired. She turned and sat down again.
“What about your new job?” Micah asked.
Haley shook her head. “It won’t be any different. This partner is easier to work with on a personal level, but the demands will be the same. If I do it, I’ll feel a compulsion to do it well. That will mean getting up to speed on a whole new set of regs, catching up to the other associates, proving I’m sharper and more effective than they are. I know myself. It’s what I’ll do. I’ll get back in that environment and it will become a compulsion again. Maybe some people can stop at ‘adequate’ or ‘good enough’ and feel gratified, but I can’t do that, Micah. I’m just not made that way.”
Haley rubbed her face in her hands. “It’s like being tumbled along in a really strong current. When you’re in it, it seems like the only way to go, so you just keep going. It’s only when you’re standing on the bank that you see people flailing around in the water and wonder why the idiots don’t just swim to shore.”
She blew out a breath. “The last time I let my job consume me, the only person who really suffered was me. But next time, it will be Ben.” She turned her eyes to her sister. “I can’t do that to him, Micah. I won’t.”
Micah’s blue eyes glistened with moisture. “So what are you saying, exactly?”
“I don’t want to go back to Merriweather, Falstaff, and Tynes,” Haley announced, saying out loud the words that, up to now, she hardly dared to think. “I want my life back,” she finished softly. “A whole, full life.”
Micah wrapped a skinny arm around Haley’s shoulders and hugged her tight. “And you deserve it,” she said firmly. “What do you really want, Haley? If you could throw away every responsibility you’ve ever had, right now, and just do what you really wanted to do, what would it be?”
The images filled Haley’s mind like sunlight. Cold, clear blue water. Endless snow-capped mountains. Fields of fireweed, rippling in the wind. Dense forests, filled with bears. Black and white porpoises, leaping into the spray. Ben’s broad back climbing up the trail ahead of her.
“Alaska,” she proclaimed. “I want to be with Ben, back in Alaska. And not just for a stolen week once a year. I want to live there with him all summer, like he was so happily doing before he met me. And when snow completely blankets the place, I want to run off with him to Maui, and I want to chase the whales and romp in a bikini and dig my toes in the sand and…” her voice broke off. Another wave of melancholy enveloped her. “And I don’t know why I’m telling you all this because I don’t know how to make it happen.”
To her surprise, Micah scoffed. “Well, figure it the hell out!” she ordered. “Don’t give me a bunch of bunk about what’s not possible. When did that ever stop you in your job? Where’s that creative genius and take-no-prisoners bravado when you need it for your own selfish purposes? Freakin’ make it happen, Haley!”
Haley stared at her sister in amazement. “Do you really mean that?”
Micah smiled sadly. “You think I don’t know how much I’ve held you back? How needy I’ve always been? I know, and I’ve always known, and I felt horrible about it, but not guilty enough to get over myself and let you go. Inside there’s always been that terrified five-year-old who didn’t want to be left behind. But when you were so sick with preeclampsia for no reason other than my own selfishness, I swore I would never ask you to do another thing for me ever again. I don’t need you anymore, Haley. I love you, but I don’t need you. I’ll miss you terribly, but you need to go. For you.”
Haley still stared at her, disbelieving.
Micah laughed. “You’re wondering how long it will be before I change my mind and pitch a fit for you to stay? Well, I can’t promise you that won’t happen. It probably will. But I’m giving you permission now to ignore me later, no matter what I say.” She grinned mischievously. “You’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring me lately, anyway.”
Haley’s heart bubbled over with warmth, and she started to say something sweet. But before she could get the words out, Micah jumped a little, then bent over the stroller.
“Whoa,” Micah said, her delicate nose wrinkling. “Diaper blowout!” She looked at Haley. “If you’ll excuse us just a minute? I think this might explain the ‘mad face.’”
The smell reached Haley’s nose, and she stood up and offered her place on the bench. As Micah spread out the changing pad, Haley walked away across the playground and up onto the rise of the beach, from where she could see the ocean.
Being an aunt totally rocked.
The same seagull — or maybe it was a different one? — wrestled with another piece of trash near her feet. A woman walked by with a tiny dog on a leash. Out on the water, she could see a boat much like the one she and Ben had been on, speeding out toward Catalina. Still farther out, several freighters dotted the horizon.
You were going to jump on one of the big boats and see what was on the other side of the water, Micah had told her. You wanted to sail all around the world and never come back again.
Haley smiled to herself. Sailing away to adventures unknown had indeed been her childhood dream. It was funny how Micah remembered that, when Haley herself had forgotten. But now, looking out over the calm, blue waters, she was sure she could feel again that very same pull — a tugging at the deepest part of her soul, a longing to move on.
I’m a nomad, Ben had told her. Could she be on
e, too? Perhaps her psychologically unencumbered five-year-old self had been able to see what the responsible and overachieving adult could not.
When she imagined the perfect life, she need imagine no further than traveling the oceans with Ben. The humpbacks had it right. Alaska in summer and Hawaii in winter was paradise on earth. The way he already lived was the stuff her dreams were made of. All that was missing was a source of income for her — something that provided enough for both of them to live decently and to get back and forth often enough to visit family. She didn’t want to miss her little niece’s growing up. And she knew how important it was to Ben to stay close to his nieces and nephews, to take them trick-or-treating every Halloween.
How could she do it?
Haley had no answer, but the thought of spending time with Ben’s family put a smile on her face. She had teased him about her making a stealth trip to Seattle to introduce herself to the Sisters Parker, but he had refused to sanction a meeting until he had her no-collusion affidavit in hand. He wasn’t kidding, either — he had actually printed out and mailed her a document to sign. It wasn’t prepared by an attorney, but Ben’s attempt to fake it had been highly amusing, even including space for official notarization. She had planned to take it into the office with her; Tyrene was a notary and would get a kick out of applying her stamp. But Haley hadn’t been back to the office, and the document had remained on her bedside table for weeks, unsigned.
She smirked. As soon as she could drive, she would meet up with Tyrene and get that notarization. Then she would send the document not to Ben’s apartment, but to his place of business… via Express Mail. She chuckled to herself as she envisioned her plan, but somewhere in between imagining Tyrene’s laughter and Ben’s, her brain hit a full stop.
Tyrene. Something the paralegal had told her weeks ago jumped back into her consciousness with a start.
Yes… Why not?
It was a long shot, of course. A long, long shot. It would take research, some very carefully directed networking and schmoozing, a rock-solid proposal, and a whole heck of a lot of negotiation.
Lucky for her, Haley Olson, Esq. was pretty damned good at all of that.
She could do it. She knew she could.
And when she did, she would make Ben the happiest boat captain / naturalist on earth. And she would be the happiest attorney.
Freakin’ make it happen, Haley!
“Micah!” she called out, swinging around so suddenly she nearly lost her balance on the shifting sand. “Can you take me home now? I’ve got work to do!”
Chapter 32
Haley hopped up onto one of the low rock walls that bordered a picturesque series of planters between the street and the edge of the marina. A warm wind blew over her, tousling her long, unfettered hair and ruffling her skirt.
Maui. She was in love with the place already.
It had been a long, exhausting day thus far, but the word exhausted was no longer in her vocabulary. Her flight out of LA at the crack of dawn this morning had gone smooth as a dream, her goodbyes to the family had been far less traumatic than she had feared, and she’d had no trouble whatsoever renting a car, driving to the West Side, and moving into her vacation rental. She’d even managed a quick trip to the grocery store to stock up on food and essentials. Once she had lured her prey into her den, she planned to keep him there a while.
She gazed out over the blue waters of the Lahaina harbor and smiled. Another boat was approaching. Ben should be bringing his last tour of the day back into port any minute now. She stepped back from the edge of the planter and settled herself in the shade of a palm tree. It wouldn’t do for him to see her prematurely. She had waited this long; she could manage a few minutes more.
Her smile didn’t waver as she watched the boat draw nearer, and when it came close enough for her to overhear the voice on the loudspeaker, her heart began to race. It was Ben. She could see him up on the bridge, making his passengers laugh, as always. She remained in the shadows, not moving, as the boat pulled up and docked a few slips away. The passengers cheered their gratitude, and Ben moved out of Haley’s sight. He would go down and say goodbye to everyone now, she thought, no doubt collecting a significant amount of well-earned tips in the process. As the first passengers began to file off, their faces clearly showing their enjoyment, Haley glowed with pride. Ben’s degree might be in oceanography, but he was a natural born entertainer. His vocation might be unusual and not especially lucrative, but there was no question he was fantastic at it.
And he would continue to be fantastic at it. Unbeknownst to him.
Haley’s lips were almost sore from smiling. She’d been smiling ever since she cast her eyes over the bright green peaks of Maui and smelled the fragrant scent of flowers on the warm, moist breeze. Ben didn’t know that she was coming. At least not today. For weeks now she had been sidestepping his constant and beguiling pleas for her to visit during her maternity leave with vague excuses about her physical recovery and how busy she was with negotiations for her new position. The vagueness was necessary, since once she had confessed to HR that she wouldn’t be returning to Merriweather, Falstaff, and Tynes, her paid maternity leave was no more. And although the negotiations for her new position had indeed taken a significant amount of effort, it wasn’t the position Ben thought it was. She knew that her excuses hadn’t completely satisfied him, and she hated that he might be worrying, even a little, that she was less than eager to see him. But she had done her best to reassure him on that score. And now, today, came the moment she had been waiting for. It was February, she had her body back, and she’d been given a clean bill of health. All her plotting and planning was at last coming to fruition.
Right now.
She watched the last of the passengers unload, then she stood up again, itching with impatience. She knew Ben had things to do on the boat before he could leave for the day, and she wanted to make sure he was completely free before he saw her. But she was so antsy she could hardly stand still.
Ten minutes crawled by before a group of twenty-somethings who looked like the ship’s crew stepped off the boat and made their way down the dock. To Haley’s relief, Ben was not among them. She wanted to catch him alone. As the group turned away without seeing her, she suffered a moment of indecision. Where should she stand? If she got too close, he might see her before she saw him. But if she waited too far from the dock, he might not see her at all, and chasing him down was not what she had in mind.
After a few more moments of deliberation, she slipped from her hiding spot and settled in front of the bow of the next ship over. He wouldn’t be able to see her as he walked out between the boats, but once he reached the wharf, he would be within feet of her.
It was perfect.
Her heart pounded with anticipation as she listened for the sound of his footsteps. Facing away from the water now, she took a moment to admire the quaintness of Lahaina town, with its historic plantation buildings and giant banyan tree nestled before a backdrop of sharp green peaks in an azure sky. No wonder Ben loved it here. He loved things that were beautiful.
She smiled as she looked down at her own flat stomach, intentionally displayed to effect by the drop waist of her figure-hugging tank dress, which also conveniently showed off her newly tanned shoulders. She couldn’t hold a candle to either Maui or Alaska, of course, but she had been working her butt off to get her original figure — such as it was — back again. She knew from the 3,465 pictures Micah and Tim had taken after the birth exactly how ghastly she had looked the last time Ben saw her, and every time she thought of him smiling into her bloated, blotchy face as he gallantly offered to uproot his life for her, she felt an almost uncontrollable urge to cry. But she didn’t. She just worked harder to make sure he got the surprise he deserved.
Haley heard footsteps. It was him. She was sure of it. She moved herself into position.
Ben did not move into her line of sight until he was about eight feet away. She was not directly in front of
him, or in his path, but he couldn’t walk by or turn either direction without seeing her. Haley held her breath and stood silently, watching him.
He was gazing ahead and down slightly, as if his mind were elsewhere. He passed within a few feet of her and his eyes drifted up, then lingered over her torso just long enough to indicate a healthy male appreciation. He cast a polite smile and nod in her direction, then returned his gaze to the ground and walked right past her.
He took exactly five more steps. Then he froze and swung around.
He stared at her with an expression of such total and profound shock that the sultry “Hi, there, Captain,” Haley had been preparing for weeks never made it out of her mouth. Instead, she burst out laughing.
“Haley,” he breathed. In the next instant his arms were around her, her feet were off the ground, and Lahaina was spinning. He swung her around for several seconds before letting her slide, a bit more slowly than necessary, down his chest and back to the ground again. Then, holding her hands in his, he stepped back just far enough to look at her.
“Haley,” he said breathlessly, “you look… Wow. Just… wow.”
She laughed again. “I thought you’d be surprised. I never thought you wouldn’t recognize me!”
“Of course I recognized you,” he defended, his cheeks reddening. “It’s just… I mean, you’re so…”
“Skinny? Flat-chested?” Haley suggested coyly. “I was four months’ pregnant when you met me, you know.”
His cheeks flared further, but his eyes danced. “I was going to say hot, actually.” He grinned and took a step closer to her. “Then and now. But especially now.”
He let go of her hands and ran his fingertips lightly up her bare arms. Haley suppressed an embarrassing shiver of goosebumps and grinned back at him. The only other time he had seen her arms, they had been puffed up like sausages. He had never seen her shoulders before.
His frank approval was impossible to mistake. “I’m almost afraid to touch you,” he said softly, belying his own words as his fingers traveled tentatively around the curve of her shoulders and back down her arms again. “I’m afraid I might wake up.”