Farewell to Lancashire

by Anna Jacobs

  ‘There’s something else.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘She’s got her servant with her, a fellow called Reece Gregory, and— Are you all right?’

  Cassandra dropped on to the bed, unable to speak for a moment, and sat there shaking, clasping her arms round herself in a vain attempt to stop the tremors. She’d known Reece was here in Australia, but to be confronted with him so soon ... She wasn’t ready for the encounter, hadn’t yet been able to work out what to say to him.

  And would she ever be ready for the look of scorn on his face when she told him?

  ‘He seems very eager to see you, so I’ve said you could meet him outside in the rear of the garden. But do not go out of sight. I’ll take you to him. Hurry up. I’ve a thousand things needing my attention today.’

  Cassandra stood up, feeling numb with panic and terror. How was she to tell Reece something so important with other people nearby, able to overhear them, able to see him walk away from her, as he surely would?

  She couldn’t do it.

  Only ... if he still wanted to marry her, she would have to tell him, to explain why she couldn’t do so. It would be wrong to try to deceive him.

  Her thoughts in a tangle, she followed Matron outside and there he was, standing in the sunlight, his dark hair gleaming, his skin tanned, looking better than she’d ever seen him. His eyes raked her from head to foot and a smile blossomed on his face as he strode towards her. Before she’d realised what he intended, he’d pulled her into his arms.

  ‘Cassandra! Oh my darling, I can’t believe you’re here!’

  For a moment she allowed herself to lean against his strength, then Matron’s voice cut through the haziness in her brain.

  ‘Mrs Lawson! Mr Gregory! Kindly behave yourselves.’

  Cassandra tore herself out of Reece’s grasp and waited until Matron had walked away. ‘I didn’t expect to – see you so soon.’

  He looked at her in puzzlement. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She looked round desperately, but there were people on every side. ‘I can’t tell you here.’

  ‘And why did she call you Mrs Lawson? Have you married someone else?’

  ‘No. It’s not that. Shall we – move across to that far corner? What I have to say is not for others’ ears.’

  In the corner was a bench and as they sat on it, she searched desperately for words and once again failed to find ones that would soften the blow.

  ‘What is it, love?’

  The gentle way he spoke was her undoing. Tears began to trickle down her face. She pushed words out in spurts, not finding anything but the bald truth to offer him.

  ‘After you’d gone, Dad died.’

  ‘I knew he hadn’t got long to live. He’ll be sorely missed. Are you still grieving for him?’

  ‘No. It’s not that. Our aunt – uncle Joseph’s wife – no one realised, but she was quite mad. She had our uncle murdered and—’

  ‘Murdered!’

  She rushed on. ‘And she had me kidnapped.’ Somehow he’d taken hold of her hand and she held his tightly, unable to pull away from him. He’d spurn her soon enough.

  ‘What happened? Did they – hurt you?’

  ‘Yes. They—’ She couldn’t force the words out, only cover her face with her hands and sob, heedless of who saw them.

  He stood up and pulled her into his arms. ‘Did they – use you?’

  She didn’t dare raise her eyes, couldn’t bear to see the disgust in his face, as she nodded.

  ‘Did you think that would make me scorn you?’

  She risked a glance and saw grief and pain, but no disgust.

  ‘That won’t change my mind, Cassandra love. It’s over and done with now and I still want to marry you.’

  She had to press her lips together for a moment or two or she’d have been wailing, because it wasn’t over, would never be over. ‘That’s not all. Because of what they did ... I’m with child.’

  He didn’t speak, but horror was etched across his face. ‘Cassandra, no!’ His hands dropped from her arms and he took a step backwards.

  Words failed her and she ran for her quarters, heedless of who saw her weeping.

  She wept even more bitterly because he didn’t try to follow, because he had looked at her in disgust at the thought of her carrying a child.

  19

  Reece walked blindly out of the Home, bumping into people, oblivious to the four women watching him. What had happened, Livia wondered, to drive a strong man to this state of anguish.

  ‘She’s told him and he’s walked out on her,’ Maia said in a low voice. ‘I thought better of him.’

  Livia swung round. ‘Told him what?’

  They looked at one another, then shook their heads.

  ‘It’s Cassandra’s secret.’

  ‘If I’m going to help you – and them – I need to know.’

  That held them silent for a few moments, then she saw them look at one another and nod.

  ‘I’ll tell her. You wait here. Matron will be angry if we all vanish.’

  Pandora took her outside and a little way down the street. There, standing at a distance from passers-by on a dusty plot of land, she explained what had happened to Cassandra and exactly why they’d all had to leave England.

  Livia stared at her in horror. ‘Dear heaven! Your aunt was more than mad, she was wicked beyond belief.’

  Pandora nodded. ‘After all that, Cassandra needs us, so we can’t accept jobs that take us away from her. She was like a mother to us, gave up her own life to bring us up. And once the baby’s born, she’ll need us even more.’

  ‘She can come to us with you,’ Livia offered. ‘It’s very primitive, I’m afraid. You’ll have to sleep in a tent, but two of you can be together, at least. I can’t take the others, though, and I can’t pay her wages, only her keep. My husband and I have less money than we’d hoped and no chance of making more for a while.’

  ‘It’s very kind of you. We’d hoped Reece would ... forgive her. No, not forgive. She’s done nothing wrong. But accept what happened. Accept the child. I don’t think she ever believed he would, though.’

  ‘It’s – difficult.’

  Pandora sighed. ‘Yes. I think we’d better go back. I’ll tell Cassandra about your offer. Perhaps if the twins could find somewhere not too far away ... Oh, I just don’t know.’

  Livia didn’t wait for Reece to return, but walked slowly back to the hotel on her own. There she told Francis what had happened and sent him out to look for Reece. But there was no sign of their servant.

  ‘I’ll go and see Cassandra tomorrow,’ she said. ‘We must offer her shelter. I can’t see any other solution. No one’s going to have employment for four of them.’

  ‘I know how you like and respect her, and I’m happy to offer her shelter,’ he said at once.

  ‘She’s a very intelligent young woman. You don’t meet many of her calibre. She’d make him a good wife. Why did he walk away from her, spurn her like that?’

  He frowned. ‘It’s a lot to take on. Has it occurred to you that if she comes to us, she’ll be seeing Reece every day? That may be the last thing she wants.’

  ‘She may not have any choice but to come to us. She and her sisters know no one else here. And he may change his mind about her.’

  ‘I don’t think I could accept another man’s child, especially one conceived in that way.’

  Reece strode through the streets without thinking where he was going, rage burning hotly within him. How could anyone have done such a thing to Cassandra? And what cruel fate would leave her with a child?

  If he married her, he’d be taking on the child of a brutal abuser of women. He didn’t think he could bear to do that.

  When he found himself by the river, he stopped walking and sat down on a piece of rising ground, staring at the water as he tried to think through what had happened.

  I let her down, he thought, as his fury began to subside. I just walked away and let her down.
What must she be thinking of me?

  It was the shock, he supposed. He wasn’t proud of himself. He’d go back and apologise, tell her ... what would he tell her? That he didn’t want the child, but he still wanted her?

  Would she give the child away? Of course not. He’d seen her smile at little children in the street, chat to neighbours’ children, slip food to that unhappy looking boy who lived nearby. She had been a mother to her own sisters, and a good one, too. No, Cassandra would never abandon or give away her own child, however it had been begotten.

  Could he take the child, raise it as his own?

  He didn’t know. Only ... if he didn’t, he’d not have Cassandra.

  He put his head in his hands and groaned.

  ‘You all right, son?’

  He looked up to see a ragged old man standing beside him. ‘Just had some bad news.’

  ‘Ah. Sorry, mate.’

  The fellow looked so thin and hungry, Reece took out sixpence and gave it to him. ‘Get yourself a decent meal.’

  ‘Thanks. Much obliged.’

  Reece watched the old man walk stiffly back towards the town and wondered whether he would spend the money on a meal or on booze. What did it matter? He didn’t usually give to beggars, but the old fellow had stopped to make sure he was all right and he’d appreciated that.

  Sometimes you could feel very alone.

  How alone was Cassandra feeling now?

  He began to walk slowly along the water’s edge till he came to a garden fence blocking the way. Turning, he walked back.

  Nearby he saw a young couple walking along, not touching but still so close and loving as they talked and smiled and gesticulated that it was a pleasure to watch them.

  The baby hadn’t asked to be born, had it?

  He shouldn’t have run away like that. He’d let Cassandra down badly ... and hurt her. She’d been crying.

  He wanted to cry now, sob his heart out. Why were men not allowed to weep?

  He’d been longing to see her for months, regretting leaving her, wishing he’d stayed with her. And when she’d come to him, he’d walked away and left her.

  Was he going to throw all his hopes and plans away because of what had happened?

  A bird landed nearby, pecking at some debris. A warm breeze wafted around him. A boat went past far out on the water.

  But could he do it? Could he take on the child?

  He straightened up. He’d have to. He’d not get Cassandra if he didn’t.

  He shouldn’t have left her like that.

  He needed more time to calm down, though, before he faced her, so continued walking aimlessly, not really noticing his surroundings until he realised with a jolt of surprise that it was getting dark.

  He went back to the Home, but was refused admittance because of the late hour and couldn’t persuade them to relax the rules.

  In the end he went back to the hotel and lay on his bunk, not hungry, just desperately sad.

  When someone came into the sleeping quarters, he didn’t look up until Francis said, ‘Are you all right?’

  It was dark and Reece was glad of that. ‘No. Not really. I – had a shock this afternoon.’

  ‘I know. Her sisters told my wife. Bad luck, that. She’d have made you a perfect wife.’

  Reece jerked to his feet. ‘Would have made a perfect wife? She is going to be my wife.’

  ‘You’re still going to marry her?’

  ‘Of course I am.’

  ‘Very noble of you.’

  ‘Not noble. Selfish. I want her.’

  ‘High price to pay, though. Still, perhaps she’ll lose the child.’

  Reece stood motionless as these words sank in. They were no doubt meant to be comforting, but instead they brought back memories of how he’d felt when his wife and baby had died. ‘I hope she doesn’t. I’ve lost a baby myself and it tears you apart. And what harm has that baby done anyone?’

  ‘Livia thought you’d say that.’

  Reece closed his eyes for a moment, trying to pull himself together.

  He heard the door closing and realised he was alone again, alone with his thoughts and his memories – and an even firmer determination to go back the following day and ask Cassandra to marry him, child and all.

  He’d lost one child. Now another had been given to him.

  He’d get up early and leave a note for his employers. If they chose to get angry about him absenting himself again, let them. His whole future was at stake.

  When she heard her sisters come back to their sleeping area, Cassandra tried to stop weeping but couldn’t. Pandora sat down on the narrow bed to comfort her and after a while she managed to stop. This was the last time she’d allow herself to weep. It changed nothing.

  ‘I’m all right.’

  ‘Of course you’re not,’ Pandora said.

  ‘I’ve cried it all out. Now I must make plans for the future.’

  ‘I’m disappointed in Reece. I thought he’d have stuck by you.’

  ‘It’s a lot to ask of a man.’ She hesitated then added quietly, ‘I realised on the ship that it was too much to ask anyone to do, taking on such a baby. But I’m not giving up my child. I thought about what Dad would say and I knew—’ Her voice broke for a moment or two, but she pulled herself together and continued. ‘I knew he’d say it wasn’t the child’s fault and every child needs loving. I can’t take the risk that a man might make such a child feel – different, unloved. Like Timmy. I dare not marry Reece, whatever he says.’

  ‘Oh, Cassandra.’

  She saw the twins sitting on the next bed. Xanthe’s eyes were brimming with tears and Maia was crying openly. ‘I’ll be all right. I’ll feel much better once I have my money back. I have to look for work.’

  ‘Mrs Southerham has offered me a job,’ Pandora said. ‘She says you can come too and earn your keep, but she can’t afford to pay you wages.’

  ‘Then why did she give me the money in England?’

  ‘She must have thought your need was greater than hers, or that they’d get more from Mr Southerham’s family than they did.’

  ‘It’s kind of her, but I can’t go to their place! Reece will be there.’

  ‘Then I’ll tell her we can’t take up the offer and we’ll try to find another job where we can be together,’ Pandora said. ‘If we can’t all find work near one another, the twins can stick together and so will you and I. We three have already decided that and you won’t change our minds.’

  Cassandra smiled at them. What would she do without her family? ‘Thank you.’

  One of the other single females came into the bedroom. ‘I’ve got a job!’ she said cheerfully and began to pack her things. ‘It’s in a lady’s house, working as a general maid. I don’t mind what I do as long as I get plenty to eat. She seemed very nice and Matron says she knows the family, so it’s safe to go with her. Oh, and tea’s being served, so you’d better go and get some food.’

  ‘I’m not hungry,’ Cassandra said.

  Her sisters were insistent that she couldn’t go without her tea so in the end it was easier to go with them and nibble a little food. She was sure her eyes were red, and people were staring at her, so looked mainly at her plate. She couldn’t have said what she was eating. It seemed tasteless, but eating it satisfied her sisters, stopped them bullying her.

  She didn’t sleep very well, didn’t expect to. Night was the best time for thinking and she had a lot to think about.

  The following morning, Matron came across the dining room to Cassandra. ‘Mrs Southerham has vouched for you, Mrs Lawson. I’ve received word that your money will be returned to you this morning.’

  Cassandra closed her eyes in relief before thanking her.

  ‘Please eat more than that, love,’ Pandora urged after Matron had moved on to speak to another group.

  She looked down at the plate she’d pushed aside, tried to eat, but simply couldn’t force any down. ‘I’m a bit unwell in the mornings.’ That stopped them na
gging her, though in truth the nausea had faded to a faint queasiness now, as if her body had accepted what was happening to it.

  During the day more people arrived at the Home looking for maids. Matron insisted on meeting everyone who offered employment to check that they were respectable.

  Reece was one of the first through the gate and Cassandra almost begged Matron to let her hide from him. Then she stiffened her spine. She’d never thought herself a coward before.

  He looked solemn and his eyes had dark circles beneath them, as if he hadn’t slept properly. Well, neither had she.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply.

  ‘Oh? What for?’

  ‘Reacting like that, treating you so badly.’

  He tried to take hold of her hand but she wouldn’t let him.

  ‘It was the shock, you see. I had to go away and think it through. No use offering you false coin. I had to know what I wanted.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I wish you well, Reece, and since I’m not without money, you don’t have to worry about me. I shall be perfectly all right.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant. Cassandra, I still want to marry you.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’ve grown used to the idea of the baby. I’ll make it mine too. You’ll see.’

  She looked at him then, feeling desperately sad. He thought he could do it, but she didn’t. His reaction yesterday proved it. ‘I’d already decided that it would be too much to ask of any man.’

  ‘It isn’t. I still love you, want you.’

  ‘Reece, a child created in that way ... you’d be bound to wonder what its father was like, to treat it differently from ... your own. And children know, believe me they know how people really feel about them.’

  ‘Cassandra, I—’

  She stood up. ‘I’ve never been as certain of anything as I am of this. For the child’s sake, I’m not marrying you and no one can make me!’ She saw him stretch out a hand towards her, open his mouth to speak, and ran away before she could burst into tears again.