Secret Hearts

by Radclyffe

  “Kip,” Jordan said quietly. “We’re here.”

  Kip slowly turned her head, searched Jordan’s face. “I don’t have to stay.”

  “Yes, you do. And you’re not going to get too many more passes if you keep saying ridiculous things to me.”

  “I’m not used to good luck, and I’m sure not used to miracles. You feel a lot like one to me.”

  Jordan leaned over and kissed her. “Trust me, I’m no miracle, but I’m real. And I’m taking you inside to bed.”

  Kip’s smile almost reached her eyes. “I must be bad off, because I ought to have a line ready to answer that, but all I can say is yes, please.”

  Jordan jumped out, locked her door, and came around to Kip’s side. She held out a hand when Kip opened her door. “You can save your sexy lines for after you’ve had some sleep. Come on upstairs.”

  “I ought to shower,” Kip muttered, keeping pace on wooden legs.

  “Can you stay awake long enough?” Jordan asked as she opened the door to her apartment.

  “Just barely.” Kip hesitated. She needed to sleep, but she couldn’t forget she’d left Randy alone, and she was afraid if she closed her eyes, Jordan would disappear. “Are you going to work?”

  “No.” Jordan locked and chained the door. “I’m going back to bed with you. I’ll be waiting.”

  Jordan had pulled the blinds and the room was dim, almost as dark as night. When Kip crawled into bed naked, Jordan curled around her. The sensation was unfamiliar, to be held, to be protected that way. Kip couldn’t ever remember anyone doing that, or wanting anyone else to take care of her the way Jordan had. She grasped Jordan’s hand and cradled it between her breasts, slipping her fingers between Jordan’s.

  “I fucked up a lot of things,” Kip whispered. “I’m afraid I’ll fuck things up with you too.”

  “Not if I don’t let you.” Jordan pulled her closer and kissed the back of her neck. “We’ll talk when you wake up.”

  “I love you,” Kip said. “I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time. I need you to know that.”

  Jordan pressed her forehead between Kip’s shoulder blades, her heart pounding so fast she couldn’t hear her own thoughts. She wanted her, oh, how she wanted her, and all the love she offered. She wanted to wrap herself around her, inside her, and live every moment flooded with the passion and wonder of her. But if she let herself fall, there would be no ending to her wanting, to her need, to the longing and desire and hunger for her. She would never be able to go back to the safe shelter she had made of her life. “I know. Now sleep.”

  Kip closed her eyes surrounded by Jordan’s scent and, for once in her life, was unafraid to dream. For now, that was enough.

  *

  Kip woke stiff and with a pounding headache. The bed was empty. She shot upright and fumbled on the bedside table where she’d left her phone. The battery was dead, and she had no idea what time it was. She felt like she’d slept a year. A clean T-shirt and a pair of sweats rested on the foot of the bed. After tugging them on, she walked barefoot out to the living room. A fire burned in the fireplace, and Jordan sat curled up on the end of the sofa, a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. She smiled up at Kip, and the knot in Kip’s chest relaxed. “Hi. What time is it?”

  “About five. There’s more coffee in the kitchen.”

  “Thanks.” Kip poured a cup and carried it into the living room. She sat on the coffee table facing Jordan and took a deep breath. There was nothing to say but the truth. “So, this is the second time my brother and I have run afoul of the law. The first time I was driving the vehicle my brother and his girlfriend borrowed from her neighbor, and that’s how I ended up with community service. I was lucky, but I’m embarrassed, ashamed, that you know that about me.”

  “I never thought you stole it,” Jordan said. “Why didn’t you explain the circumstances when you were arrested? You didn’t know it was stolen, did you?”

  “No, but I was at least guilty of being stupid enough not to ask them whose car I was driving.” Kip winced. “And I wanted to protect Randy. He’s been in trouble before, and I was afraid he’d end up in jail. He promised he’d stick it out in rehab this time. He didn’t.”

  “And last night?”

  Kip told her what she knew of Randy’s latest escapade. “If he had anything to do with taking those drugs, he probably will get jail this time. My father’s lawyer is with him now. Part of me feels like I should be there right now, but I know that won’t help him. Maybe if I hadn’t covered for him the last time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “Kip,” Jordan said gently, “you love your brother and you wanted to protect him. That’s who you are. But he could have spoken up too. He could have protected you.”

  “It’s hard to let him face this on his own, but I know I have to.” Kip sighed. “I’ll contact my father soon and find out what’s happening, but not until I take care of what matters most of all.”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I want to make love with you for about a million years, and then I want to go to the garden and deliver Mr. Liu’s vegetables and finish the shelves in the greenhouse.” Kip ached to touch her, feeling as if her future balanced on the edge of a knife blade. If Jordan turned her away she would never stop the bleeding.

  “I can get behind quite a lot of that,” Jordan said, “but I’m not sure I’m ready to.”

  Kip’s stomach somersaulted and dropped into free fall. “I don’t blame you.”

  “Not for the reasons you probably think,” Jordan said, running her finger around the rim of her cup. “I’d like nothing better than to walk out that door with you, back into a life I’ve come to enjoy a lot more because you’re part of it.” She raised a shoulder. “Actually, that’s not quite right. First, I’d like to go to bed and stay there for the rest of the day—minimum. I’ve missed you, and I want to feel your body on mine, your skin under my hands, your mouth on me.”

  “God, Jordan.” Kip raked a hand through her hair. “You have no idea how much I want that too.”

  “Oh, I think I do.” Jordan’s breath was coming faster and she needed to keep her brain in gear and her body in check for a little while longer. Kip’s gaze was searing, the look that made Jordan feel—no, made her know—she was the only woman in Kip’s world. Another second and she was going to give in and beg for Kip to turn that look into action. She couldn’t afford to surrender to the need pounding deep inside her, not yet, not when everything mattered so much. “I want that just about every second that I’m breathing, but I want something else even more.”

  “What more do you want?” Kip emphasized each word as if the world hung on Jordan’s answer.

  “I want the next time I’m in bed with you to be the beginning. I want to know there’ll be a next time, and a next time, and a next time. I want us to have a life together.”

  “You don’t know what you’d be getting with me.” Kip swallowed. “My life is messy.”

  “Everyone’s life is messy.” Jordan set her cup aside and leaned forward, both hands on Kip’s thighs. “Do you want me in your life?”

  “With every beat of my heart.”

  “Then I want your promise that no matter what happens in the future, we are in it together. That if there’s trouble, you don’t go off on your own to take care of it. That I matter, that we matter, more than anything.”

  “I might need some help.”

  “We’ll both need to help each other. I’m no expert at this either.” Jordan shook her head. “It is insane. You’re way too young. And—”

  Kip gripped her shoulders, pulled her forward, kissed her. “Calling bullshit.”

  Jordan laughed against her mouth. “I know. I know. As if that were the only issue.”

  “That’s the only thing that isn’t an issue.” Kip framed Jordan’s face and kissed her again. “I want you, I want to build a life with you. I need to make some changes before I can do that.”

  “All right. Tha
t’s a good start.” Jordan’s voice was calm and steady. “What does that mean?”

  “I have to fulfill this contract for the—” Kip winced. “The details aren’t important and it’s better if they stay that way.”

  “The men in black. Yes, I get it. Will that get rid of them?”

  “Probably. I’m just a small part of a big project that my father’s company is involved in, and once my input is completed, what I know about it won’t have all that much value to anyone. Which means I won’t be that important.”

  “What about the next projects?”

  Kip shook her head. “There aren’t going to be any. I’m quitting.”

  “You’re quitting? Because of me?”

  Kip caught her hands. “No. Because of me. And because of us. I don’t want that life. I want something else.”

  “What?” Jordan was having a hard time breathing. She’d always told herself dreams did not come true, but right at that moment, she was beginning to believe she’d been wrong. Maybe the dreams you made, the dreams you shared, could be real. Maybe sometimes, when love was real, life was as simple as two people sheltering each other in the night.

  “When the garden project is at a point where you can leave,” Kip said slowly, “I think we should start a bigger garden project. You and me. On a farm.”

  Jordan laughed, the happiness making her light-headed. “You want to be a farmer?”

  “Well, I was thinking more you would be the farmer and I would be tech support.”

  “Tech support.” Jordan stroked her cheek, leaned to kiss her, had to taste her just a little. “I hope that includes manager, mechanic, and business consultant.”

  “Jordan,” Kip said thickly, “I’ll wear whatever hat you want. Just please let me touch you soon.”

  “That life will be nothing like what you’ve been used to, you know,” Jordan murmured, reveling in the want in Kip’s eyes.

  “What, you mean getting up at four in the morning and spending all day hustling for accounts and watching the weather reports and working outside with you? Because if it’s even like that half the time, I’ll be plenty happy.” Kip shifted over to the sofa and pulled Jordan into her arms. She kissed her until the memory of ashes and loss was replaced by the bright, clear sunshine of hope. “And if I can have you in my arms every night, I’ll be complete.”

  “You haven’t asked me if I love you,” Jordan whispered, her hands under Kip’s T-shirt, stroking possessively.

  “I was hoping if you didn’t, I could convince you.”

  “You could convince me of anything,” Jordan whispered, “but it so happens I love you madly, insanely.”

  “Then will you come away with me and be my only love?”

  “Yes. Always.”

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Kip grabbed her briefcase and suit jacket, thanked the Uber driver, and headed down the alley. The closer she got to the garden gate, the stronger the feeling of coming home, of rightness, of familiarity laced with excitement. Two weeks cooped up in an office sixteen hours a day had felt like two years. She was pale from lack of sunshine, and on top of the work stress, short-tempered from too little sleep and constant worry over Randy’s sentencing. Only the few stolen hours on the nights she’d been able to spend with Jordan had kept her going. But she was done with it now, done with the life that had been a prison all its own, built of guilt and misplaced responsibility and lost dreams.

  She lifted the latch she’d repaired the first day she’d met Jordan and, smiling at the memory, pushed open the garden gate and stepped inside to sunshine and green and the scent of hope and promise. Ty leaned over a long row of young seedlings, talking to an older woman Kip didn’t recognize in a big floppy straw hat and faded denim overalls. A dapper man in carefully pressed trousers, white shirt, and suspenders pushed a wheelbarrow filled with compost toward another bed that looked ready to be planted. Ty glanced over, nodded, and pointed toward the trailer. Kip gestured for Ty to join her, and after a moment, Ty came over. They hadn’t spoken in the time she’d been away, but Jordan had told her Ty had come back to work. The wariness was gone from Ty’s eyes, only a curious question there now.

  “Looks like you got some new help,” Kip said.

  Ty smiled. “Yes, and more have signed up after we held an open house last weekend.”

  “That’s great.”

  “It’s coming together.” Ty paused, hands tucked into the pockets of her canvas work pants. “How are you?”

  “Coming together.” She pulled a card from her pocket, handed it to Ty. “You can trust this guy, when and if you decide it’s time. I think having the kids will help, and he’ll know the best way to work things.”

  Ty glanced at the card, tucked it into the breast pocket of her work shirt. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. If you need anything, anytime, let me know.”

  “You’re coming back to work, aren’t you?”

  Kip grinned. “Just as soon as I can.”

  “Good.” Ty turned away, hesitated, and looked back. “We can use a good mechanic around here.”

  Laughing, Kip headed for the trailer, her pulse kicking the way it always did when she was about to see Jordan. When she climbed to the top step, Jordan’s voice reached her.

  “I’ll be out to help just as soon as I finish this bleeping budget. God, I hate spreadsheets.”

  “I kinda love them myself,” Kip said.

  Jordan swung around and jumped up. “Kip!”

  Kip stepped all the way into the dim trailer and closed the door behind her. “Hi, baby.”

  Jordan kissed her, one hand running through her hair. “I didn’t expect you. Is it over?”

  Kip tossed her briefcase and jacket onto the daybed and pulled Jordan into her arms. She rested her cheek against Jordan’s hair and breathed in the cool, clean mystery of her. “It’s over.”

  “What happened?” Jordan asked quietly, running her hands up and down Kip’s back.

  “For once my father didn’t pull strings for him.” As hard as it had been to admit, she agreed with her father’s decision. “Randy got a year with the chance of parole in three months.”

  Jordan’s breath caught. “I’m sorry.”

  “It could be a lot worse. And he’ll be in a minimum security place where he’ll get treatment as part of his incarceration.”

  “And the rest of it?” Jordan leaned back, her arms looped around Kip’s neck. “What about you?”

  “I signed off on the designs last night. I’ve still got a few more hours of community service to pay off, so I’m yours for the rest of the summer. Or as long as you need me here.”

  “Oh,” Jordan said softly, “I’m sure I can find something for you to do.”

  “Good. I’m back to khakis and work shirts from now on.”

  “I’m very glad,” Jordan said, skimming her hands down Kip’s shirtfront. “Although I do like you in a suit.”

  Kip laughed. “I’ll wear one for you whenever you want.”

  “I like you out of it a lot better.” Jordan opened the top button of Kip’s shirt, spread the soft linen folds apart, and kissed her chest.

  Kip closed her eyes, buried her hand in Jordan’s hair. “No fair. We have work to do, don’t we?”

  “Always.”

  “Then you’d best stop.”

  “For now.” Laughing, Jordan rubbed her cheek against the curve of Kip’s breast. “You’re coming home with me after work.”

  It wasn’t a question.

  “I rather thought I might do that every night,” Kip murmured, “if you don’t mind.”

  “Oh, not a bit.” Jordan looked up. “As long as it’s every night for always.”

  “I think we can count on that,” Kip said, and kissed her.

  About the Author

  Radclyffe has written over fifty romance and romantic intrigue novels, dozens of short stories, and, writing as L.L. Raand, has authored a paranormal romance series, The Midnight Hunters.
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  She is an eight-time Lambda Literary Award finalist in romance, mystery, and erotica—winning in both romance (Distant Shores, Silent Thunder) and erotica (Erotic Interludes 2: Stolen Moments edited with Stacia Seaman and In Deep Waters 2: Cruising the Strip written with Karin Kallmaker). A member of the Saints and Sinners Literary Hall of Fame, she is also an RWA/FF&P Prism Award winner for Secrets in the Stone, an RWA FTHRW Lories and RWA HODRW winner for Firestorm, an RWA Bean Pot winner for Crossroads, an RWA Laurel Wreath winner for Blood Hunt, and the 2016 Book Buyers Best award winner for Price of Honor. In 2014 she was awarded the Dr. James Duggins Outstanding Mid-Career Novelist Award by the Lambda Literary Foundation. She is a featured author in the 2015 documentary film Love Between the Covers, from Blueberry Hill Productions.

  She is also the president of Bold Strokes Books, one of the world’s largest independent LGBTQ publishing companies.

  Find her at facebook.com/Radclyffe.BSB, follow her on Twitter @RadclyffeBSB, and visit her website at Radfic.com.

  Books Available From Bold Strokes Books

  The Sniper’s Kiss by Justine Saracen. The power of a kiss: it can swell your heart with splendor, declare abject submission, and sometimes blow your brains out. (978-1-62639-839-9)

  Divided Nation, United Hearts by Yolanda Wallace. In a nation torn in two by a most uncivil war, can love conquer the divide? (978-1-62639-847-4)

  Fury’s Bridge by Brey Willows. What if your life depended on someone who didn’t believe in your existence? (978-1-62639-841-2)

  Lightning Strikes by Cass Sellars. When Parker Duncan and Sydney Hyatt’s one-night stand turns to more, both women must fight demons past and present to cling to the relationship neither of them thought she wanted. (978-1-62639-956-3)

  Love in Disaster by Charlotte Greene. A professor and a celebrity chef are drawn together by chance, but can their attraction survive a natural disaster? (978-1-62639-885-6)