“Okay, we have units on the way. Stay on the phone with me. Sir? Sir, can you talk to me?”
“Someone… anyone, please! Please help us!”
“Sir? Sir are you still with me?”
“Yes, please hurry…he’s dying!”
“Tell me your brother’s name. “
“Sir, are you there? Can you tell me your brother’s name?”
“There’s so much blood.”
“Do you know CPR? I can talk you through CPR. Sir!”
“I think he’s gone.”
“Stay on the phone with me. I can help. What is your brother’s name?”
“His name…his name is Jamie O'Brien.”
Three
Callie Loftier stood ankle deep in the Atlantic. The clouded skies released a soft mist, rinsing away all the tension she held in her body. With her eyes closed, she turned her face toward the sky and offered up a small smile along with all the worries she’d carried for what seemed to be an eternity.
She’d been shackled in the darkness of her illness for so long, she couldn’t even imagine being free of it. But here, as she listened to the tide rush and pull against itself, she felt a quickening in her soul. It felt wild and alive, and she welcomed it with everything she had.
The waves rose up in the distance, sounding out a slow crescendo as their rolling rhythm continued toward her. The chaos around her swirled to a perfect combination of beautiful confusion. She loved the idea of giving up control to something so demanding.
Everything in her life had always been careful, planned out…sterile.
But today she stood on the edge of so many uncertainties. A small shiver crawled up her back as she listened to the world happening around her. Her shoulders rose and fell as she took a resolving breath and wished things had been different. It wasn’t regret, not really, just a fleeting thought.
Soft tears fell freely from her eyes. They weren’t sad tears. These were the type that didn’t ask permission but trailed down your cheeks anyway. She felt zero attachment to them. They were happening because she should be feeling something. There should be something churning inside her, something that pushed her to change her mind, but she felt completely at peace.
Hope had a stinging effect when you hang all your possibilities on it. She had turned off the bite of that emotion long ago to merely survive. These tears were her heart’s way of offering up an apology to the universe for her lack of self-preservation.
She wiped them from her cheeks as soon as they fell and took a step into the water.
Concentrating on the movement of sand under her feet, she stood frozen. Every small wave that rushed past her ankles brought new sand toward her. It rushed up and over her feet, burying them under thousands of pebbles. But just as quickly, the water would recede, stealing sand from underneath her feet and pulling it back into the water. She opened her eyes and watched as the ocean went from covering her and burying her deeply in the sand, to quickly exposing her all over again.
She felt the familiar burn in her lungs that happened when she was off her oxygen for too long. Her chest rose and fell more rapidly than it should have to, trying so hard to keep her levels high enough.
For twenty-one years, her body had fought this race against time and for a while, even when she knew her body was losing the battle, her mind refused to accept it.
But time wore on and she continued to grow more fragile each day. “After you get better," became nothing more than words. It was no longer a real-time in her mind like it had been before.
She acted as if she had plans for the future, as if she still believed in the fairytale of a healthy life. Not for herself, but for her parents and her sister, Jade. False promises and fake intentions had been the stones that paved this journey for so long now. She wasn’t sure she knew any other way.
It was funny how lies became acceptable if told under the intention of sheltering the ones you loved from the pain of the truth.
Her entire life people had called her a fighter, but for the last year and a half, the only thing she had honestly been was tired.
Tired of being strong. Tired of being sick. And mostly, tired of living life like everything was going to be okay.
It was the going to be that weighed the heaviest on her.
The going to be okay, the going to be better, and the going to be different when. A life built on those words could never really be considered a life at all. One of her hardest days was when she realized while she sat in a hospital bed waiting for the “going to be” to happen, life was going on without her.
Nothing could take away the hurt of a lost future. Callie wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, wanted her family to see she was already gone. Then maybe this wouldn’t hurt them as much. Wasn’t there some way to let them know they loved her the best they could?
If love were enough, she wouldn’t have been sick. If love were enough, none of them would’ve had to suffer through her cursed life.
There had always been a goodbye meant for them and if she could, she would fight longer for them. But her fate was already written in the stars. She had to love them enough to say goodbye and release them from all of this.
Physically her illness made it impossible to get out of bed some days, and other days there was nothing to get out of bed for. Emotionally, she was already dead. She spent most of her time confined to her parents’ beach house, only experiencing things through the windows. She’d never been to a dance, never spent a night out with her friends, never even been in love.
But today was different. Today, Callie left all of that behind and would finally be free. She breathed as deeply as she could, trying to fill her soul with the peace she had at this very moment. If there was one thing she hoped she could take with her, it was this feeling.
The sounds of the beach, the lapping of the water against her ankles…this is how she’d always pictured it. Callie looked out onto the water that stretched well beyond what she could see and welcomed the feeling of insignificance. There was no more room in her life for selfishness, no more longing for something never meant to be hers. She was such a small part of the universe, meant to be overlooked and forgotten. And it was okay. A small smile stretched across her lips as she realized…it really was okay.
She moved deeper into the water. It splashed up a bit higher on her legs making her sway a little more, her muscles tensing against the push and pull force. Her breaths quickened, trying to keep up with the small increase in energy demand needed to keep her upright.
There was no promise of tomorrow for her. She knew this. She knew every tomorrow that came would only hold the disappointment of another day gone by while she remained stagnant. There was no moving forward. The only changes ever made were in the wrong direction. She couldn’t bear it any longer. She had tamed her last personal demon, healed her last disappointment.
Her parents and sister were heavy on her overworked heart. Even if the miracle they prayed for happened, she would never be normal, never feel like everyone else. She would forever be a captive of her unforgiving memories. There would always be the fear of death looming over her like it had since she was old enough to understand she was living on borrowed time.
She took another step forward, her fingertips barely dipping into the water. She watched as the waves built up and rolled in her direction. She wondered for a second what it would have been like to live a normal life but stopped herself. She had gone down that road so many times. She’d cried the tears, felt the pain, and had let it go.
A wave rolled up unexpectedly, pushing her to the side and she stumbled. Her breaths were coming one after another as her heart beat painfully fast and hard in her chest.
She took another step.
The burning in her chest intensified and her vision darkened around the edges. She swayed with the direction of the water, a slave to the tide. Callie looked to the sky once again as the tips of her toes skimmed along the sandy ocean floor. Watching as the birds circled, she ho
ped it would be like that. She wanted to feel the freedom of the breeze on her face and have the world finally unfold in front of her with no restrictions.
She exhaled as a wave rushed toward her, took one more step, and let go of everything.
Jade ran from her parents’ house after hearing the commotion coming from the beach. She took the stone steps that led from the patio onto the sand two at a time as her mom’s screams cut through the early morning light.
She hit the sand running as she watched her dad plow through the water toward her sister. What was Callie doing out here? How did she even make it that far on her own? Reality ripped through her causing her to stumble as she realized what was happening.
Everything began to spin as fear shot through her veins. “No…no. No! NO!”
Her mom fell to her knees in the sand sobbing into her hands as Jade ran to the water’s edge, searching the horizon for any sign of them.
Jade dropped to her knees, closing her arms around her mom. This couldn’t be happening. Callie didn’t even know this was the day they had all been waiting on. The day all their prayers had been answered.
Four
Two years later
The rain fell in fat droplets onto Callie’s windshield. Color spread into running kaleidoscopes down the glass as it reflected the headlights stretching out onto the blacktopped road.
She hadn’t seen another car for twenty miles leading into the last small town and didn’t expect to see any now that she was ten miles on the other side of it. Two o’clock in the morning was the time of lovers and seekers, not regular people just out for a drive.
Lightning flashed in front of her chasing itself across the dark sky. For a split second, she saw her own eyes in the rearview mirror and quickly looked away.
A rumbling began in the distance and rushed toward her, shaking the ground and engulfing everything in its path causing a shiver to crawl up her spine. She smiled. She should be anxious and maybe even a bit afraid, but she loved the rain too much to disrespect it like that.
The first thing she’d done after waking up from surgery was made several promises to herself. Worry, anxiety, and regret were silly emotions. She no longer had time for them.
The universe didn’t give second chances at life often. She wouldn’t use it foolishly.
A purple lightning streak raced across the sky once again, cutting through the blackness in a dramatic light show. It called to Callie, igniting her need for freedom.
She pulled her car to the side of the road and stepped out into the night’s storm as she made her way into the middle of the road. Stretching her arms out to the side, she closed her eyes and lifted her face to the sky. The rain dampened her simple cotton shift dress. It clung to her thin frame as she turned in slow circles. The shower was rejuvenating, and it left her wondering why she had never revisited the water. It wasn’t the ocean that had meant her harm.
Callie didn’t ask the rain where it came from or why it was here. She didn’t curse it or wonder how long it would stay. She just allowed it to kiss her body and bless her into this new life. Never again would she question the moments of her life. Her goal was to live in every second and feel every emotion. Allow all situations to happen as they were supposed to, uninterrupted and raw.
The thunderstorm played out its medley as she turned and swayed back and forth in time to the raindrops hitting the pavement.
Screeching tires cut through the night, disrupting Callie’s love affair with the rain. She turned toward the noise, dropping her arms and taking a few quick steps to the side as her breathing jumped to a hurried pace. Her curiosity piqued. Who else would be in the middle of nowhere at this time of night?
The rain continued, demanding her attention and running in streams down her face as her heart beat steady and sure in her chest. Her breaths echoed in her ears, mixing with the roar of the truck’s engine. She struggled to look beyond the glaring headlights.
The sky lit up, briefly cutting through the darkness of the truck’s cab, giving her only a second’s look at the driver. His hands gripped the top of the steering wheel tightly while wild eyes strained to focus on her. Anger and confusion flashed across his face before being swallowed back into the darkness.
Callie was motionless as she stared into the cab. All her life she had feared the dark, scared of the unknown, but tonight her spirit was at ease.
She felt the weight of his eyes on her. She relaxed her shoulders, tilting her head to the side. Callie had a different understanding of life now and realized nothing happened without purpose. People came into your life for a reason and situations happened because they were supposed to. This was the exact type of human experience she had been cheated out of before and craved so badly.
Callie wondered who would be changed by this night. Was this chance meeting a part of his story or her own?
The wind stirred through the grassy ditches toward her, lifting the hem of her dress slightly and changing the rain’s direction. She filled her lungs with a long, full breath.
Once again, the sky lit up and she could see him. He’d shifted forward, resting his chin on his hands, watching her. It was just the two of them and the alluring rain. She smiled as a wave of shyness passed through her and she dropped her eyes to the ground.
In the distance, another round of thunder began like an invitation. She was unprepared for the cry of the stars and the moon, but somehow it felt right like it was calling her home. Callie returned to the rain, giving it all her attention. She ran her hands up the sides of her face as she lifted her arms above her head and turned away from the man in the truck. Even standing in the chilly rain, her body felt on fire.
Through the roaring storm, Callie heard the truck door open.
He was hesitant at first, toying with the idea of joining her. He lingered for a moment, half in her world, half in his safety.
Callie closed her eyes, swaying to the song of the rain.
His boots hit the pavement, closing the distance between them, and she felt every step he made toward her like a rushing in her soul.
“This is dangerous,” she thought to herself, a flash of her old life rearing its head. But she stopped the fears quickly.
“No, this is living,” she corrected.
She wanted to feel everything, live in all the moments without the fear she had lived with for too long. Maybe it was reckless or silly, but she didn’t care.
He stepped up behind her, and she felt his rushed breaths in her hair.
This dance was for him.
The rain hit the pavement, jumping around her ankles. The wind twisted through and around them, licking at their wet skin and urging them on.
Timid fingertips touched her bare arm and a million silent questions were asked. Callie stilled. They were here, in this moment…together. His hand traveled down her arm, his large calloused fingers skimming her skin, searching until her fingers intertwined with his. She pulled his thick arm around her waist.
A thunderous boom rang out, startling her. She jumped, covering her mouth as his other arm slid possessively around her waist. “I’ve got you,” he whispered as his warm breath bathed across the soft skin behind her ear.
His hand spread out over her stomach, and for just a second, she thought he might step away. Instead, he gently pulled her in.
“And I’ve got you,” she whispered. She relaxed against him, feeling the strong planes of his chest against her back. He wrapped his body around hers, protecting her, holding her. His wet lips pressed lightly to her neck as raindrops rolled off his hair and down onto her shoulder. She ran her hand down his arm and started to sway again, inviting him into her dance.
They danced together in the spotlight of his truck lights and their show was beautiful. Callie squeezed his hands, pulling him closer as he nuzzled into her, inhaling deeply like he wanted this to be his last breath. He released one of her hands, softly running his fingertips up her arm and she stopped moving, melting even further into him. She wanted to
remember every inch of his skin on hers.
He leaned to her ear once again, squeezed her tightly and just as quickly as he was there, he was gone.
She gasped at his sudden absence and turned back toward him, gripping the fabric of her dress where his hands had just been over her stomach. A small tremor took over and her stomach knotted as she watched him walk away from their moment…away from her.
He pushed one hand into his front pocket as he reached up and grabbed the back of his neck with the other.
Knowing the cab light would turn on when he opened the door, Callie turned away. Seeing him would only make it harder. She wanted her heart to remember this, not her mind.
The gravel shifted under his tires as he slowly drove around her on the side shoulder of the road. She watched until his tail lights were gone.
“That was definitely for me,” she whispered into the night, running a finger lightly over her scar. She looked up at the stars that had just started to peek through the clouds. “Thank you.”
Callie pulled into the driveway and parked in front of the large farmhouse. She dropped her head back against the headrest.
She was ready, but she silently prayed the timing was right for everyone else, too.
She wrapped her sweater around her shoulders and ran up the steps, not sure if it was her, or if the temperature had dropped several degrees, but she was suddenly cold. Soaked from head to toe, she stood in front of the wooden door. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, trying to hold onto everything she had become to get her to this moment. Her teeth chattered as she ran her hands up and down her arms.
Reaching out a small, shaking finger, she pushed the doorbell.
“Just a moment,” a soft voice called out as the deadbolt unlocked. Callie’s flight or fight kicked in and she fought the urge to run back to her car, but the inside door cracked just enough to see the older woman on the other side and everything became crystal clear. She would be sticking around for a while.
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