Pause

by Micki Fredricks

  “You want to know what I think?” Callie asked, closing the distance between them.

  “No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway,” he huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

  Callie took a deep breath, trying to still the raging emotions that swirled in her mind. She lifted a shaking hand and placed it directly over his heart. “I think you’re mad because it’s proof the people you love are moving on without Jamie, and you don’t know how to do that.”

  Anger flashed in his eyes as his expression hardened. He dropped his arms, pushing her hand from his chest. “Shut up,” he seethed. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He rushed around her and stood in front of the unlit fireplace.

  “Don’t you think Lauren and Alex deserve to be loved?”

  “Of course!” he yelled. Callie flinched but something inside of her told her to keep going.

  Softly she said, “Someone who will make them breakfast on Sunday mornings, don’t they deserve that?”

  “Callie, stop it,” he warned as he clenched his fists together at his sides.

  “Don’t they deserve to be the center of someone’s world?”

  With one swipe of his hand, Trey cleared the lamp from the stand next to the couch. “Yes! Yes, Callie. They deserve all of it and more! They deserve to be taken care of and pampered. They deserve to be safe and protected and feel like there is no one else in this world who is more important. They deserve love and laughter and the comfort of a family that would do anything for them. Yes! That’s what they deserve!”

  Making sure to keep the island between them, Callie pressed on but held her voice steady. “Then why are you so upset about them trying to find it?”

  Trey resumed his pacing, his hands back in his hair, gripping and releasing it as tears filled his eyes. He was so lost, so alone in this moment, so defeated. His shoulders dropped as his eyes found hers and Callie was pulled into his hurricane. The look on his face pleaded with her to let it go, stop the pain he was feeling and allow him to continue in his darkness. “You don’t understand,” he whispered.

  “Try me,” she urged as she rounded the island toward him.

  “You wouldn't understand.”

  She couldn’t wait anymore. He needed someone, maybe even her. She refused to let him continue to go through this alone. “Explain it to me.” She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her ear against his chest until she could hear his erratic heartbeat. “I’m here,” she whispered.

  He wrapped his strong arms around her, nearly breaking her with his attempt to hold on. He buried his face into her hair, shaking his head back and forth, “I can’t…I can’t do this.”

  “You can,” she said, tightening her grip on him.

  “They… ” he began, his entire body shaking in her arms.

  “Please, Trey. Let it out.”

  He relaxed his arms but didn’t let her go. Running his hands up her back and over her shoulders, he lifted her face towards him. One hand held her face, the other ran lightly over her cheek, tucking some hair behind her ear. A tear slid down his face as he rested his forehead against hers.

  “They belong to Jamie,” he whispered. “Only him. He’s the one who was supposed to make them breakfast and tickle Firefly until she pees. He’s supposed to be around to love Lauren like a goddamn champion. It’s supposed to be him. If she moves on, they’ll both forget it’s supposed to be Jamie.”

  “Oh Trey,” she sighed, as he pulled her close, sliding his cheek down hers, his tears mixing with her own. She whispered in his ear. “But Jamie is gone.”

  Trey stiffened in her arms and his eyes squeezed shut like she had just stolen all the air from his lungs. She watched the color drain from his face as he took a step away, dropping his hold on her.

  When their eyes met again, there was a different Trey standing before her. Hardened and angry. The same Trey she had met in the barn her first day here. She messed up, she was losing him again.

  “Don’t you think I know that? And don’t you think I know it’s my fault that all the things they deserved, that the one person in their lives who was meant to make sure they had all those things is dead? I deal with that every day, Callie! Every. Single. Moment of my life is consumed with it.”

  Tears ran down her face. He was breaking and she was breaking right along with him. She wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t kill his brother and he wasn’t responsible for the decisions that lead to his death, but she knew this wasn’t the time. But she also couldn’t let this stop here.

  “I understand Lauren belonged to Jamie. I don’t think anyone who knew the two of them together would argue that. But Trey, doesn’t she deserve to find love again?”

  He stepped back into her, aggressive and terrifying, but she had to see this to the end. Her voice shook as she met him toe to toe. “What she had with your brother was something special. He was the love of her life. But he’s gone and she deserves to feel like she’s the center of someone’s world again. And so do you.”

  That was the last straw. He grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her to him, his face so close she could feel his hot breath. “Listen, I don’t know why you’re here or why you think this is your business. You are not part of my family and have absolutely no right to be talking to me about this.”

  He released her with a shove and she fell back, her foot catching on the leg of the misplaced side table. She slumped against the couch but caught herself before falling to the floor.

  Trey reached into his pocket and slapped the spare key down on the counter on his way to the door. “Stay out of my way, Crazy Girl. I’m done with you.”

  Thirteen

  Callie laid with her head against the back of the overstuffed living room chair, staring at the exposed wooden beams that ran along the ceiling.

  A week had passed with no word from Trey. He wasn’t returning phone calls or answering the door when Eve went to his house. Thank God Andy had spoken with Mr. Gibbons who assured him that Trey was okay and at least showing up for work.

  After sharing the story of what had happened between the two of them – minus the shove at the end that she only shared with Lauren and Andy – Eve had decided Trey needed space. So that’s what they were all giving him.

  Space.

  Emptiness had settled in Callie’s chest the moment Trey left and she had no idea how to deal with it. It made her jumpy and on edge. She was in a constant state of semi-panic. Had she caused irreparable damage? Pushed him too far? How could it be so easy for him to walk away from his family again?

  The spot on her knee where she had hit the side table a week ago was still swollen and bruised. She ran her hand over it and her stomach churned. She hated to lie to Eve but there was no way she could tell her the truth about what had happened. As far as Eve knew, she tripped carrying a flat of flowers, and that’s all she would ever know.

  Callie sat up, suddenly short of breath from the painful tightening of her chest. If Eve knew that Trey was responsible for the mark on her leg, Callie was sure she would say enough was enough and send her away. The thought made her stomach turn even more and she swallowed against the tightening in her throat.

  She absentmindedly combed through her long, wet hair as she remembered the look in Trey’s eyes when she’d said, “Jamie is gone.” The pain that radiated through him hit her all over again. She groaned, threw her comb onto the chair, and covered her eyes with the palms of her hands. Why did she have to push him so hard? He apparently wasn’t ready for that. And now he was gone, away from his home, away from his family and away from her.

  Callie stood, moving slowly when her muscles complained. She was sore and tired from planting flowers into decorative planters that would sit along the barn. Eve had agreed to host a BBQ for family and friends to kick off Daisy Days – a town celebration that happened every year.

  She’d hosted the event up until Jamie’s death. This would be the first time in o
ver two years she had invited people back to the farm. Although everyone was very excited to see Eve doing what she loved, with her attention shifting to the planning aspect of feeding so many people, it left all the planting and yard work to Callie and Andy.

  She’d used an online gardening group to cover up the truth of how she’d met Eve. In reality, she’d never planted anything until stepping onto the O’Brien’s land. Eve was a fantastic teacher and Callie had come to find that not only did she really enjoy having her hands in the dirt, but she was also good at it.

  A knock at the door startled her and she turned to see Eve standing there smiling. She rushed to the door, “Eve, please. You don’t have to knock. This is your home.”

  “Well yes, sweetheart, but this is your space.” Callie’s heart seized as Eve echoed the same words Trey had said to her the last time he was here.

  “Lauren, Alex, and Andy are going to the movies tonight so I guess it’s just you and me. I need to go to the grocery store. They have the farmer’s market tonight and I would like you to come with me,” Eve insisted. “And then maybe we could stop at the pizza place in town and grab something to eat.”

  “That sounds fabulous, let me get my shoes,” Callie said as she went toward the door and slipped into her flats.

  Eve moved further into the living room, finally stopping at the windows overlooking the stream.

  The mood in the room suddenly changed, leaving Callie unsure what to do. She waited in the heavy silence, giving Eve as much time as she needed and hoping her presence was enough. She wasn’t sure she could talk about Trey right now without all her secrets becoming painfully obvious.

  A small shudder took over Eve’s body and she ran her hands up and down her arms as she continued to stare out the window. “This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go.” Eve reached out and touched the glass in front of her as if touching a long-lost memory.

  “I was supposed to grow old with Jed, watch my sons raise a bunch of grandbabies, and…” Eve’s voice broke as her words faded out. “What happened to my family, Callie?”

  “He’ll come back,’ Callie said with much more confidence than she felt.

  “But at what cost? He’s miserable when he’s here. Everything reminds him of Jed and Jamie. He carries so much guilt and shame, I don’t know how to help him.”

  “I think he just needs time. He needs to be reminded of what’s actually important and what he’s giving up.”

  Eve pulled her hand away from the window, lowering her eyes to the ground. “Maybe I need to just let him go.”

  “What? No. You don’t mean that,” Callie said gently, turning Eve to face her.

  “I lay awake at night trying to figure out what Jed would do if he were still alive. How would he handle this? He had such a special relationship with the boys. They trusted him, told him things they didn’t tell me. How would he break through Trey’s thick head to make him realize what he was doing to all of us?”

  “He’d probably have them both out in the barn shoveling shit,” Callie uttered.

  Eve tried to laugh, but it was a sad sound, “You’re probably right.”

  Callie gave Eve’s shoulders a gentle squeeze. “I don’t know the answer to any of your questions, but I do know Trey loves you so much. He’s still the same boy that you raised. He has a huge heart and that’s probably why he’s feeling this so deeply.”

  Eve nodded her head in agreement but Callie could see the uncertainty in her eyes.

  “You know,” Eve said, “it takes a special kind of woman to love an O’Brien.”

  Callie dropped her hands from Eve’s shoulders, surprised by the change in conversation. “I think you’re all pretty easy to love, actually.”

  “I’m talking about real love. Oh, believe me, I’ve seen lots of lust and obsession. Trey has never had trouble getting the attention of girls – it was almost a gift.” Eve paused, a small smile gracing her lips. She waved a hand in the air as she continued. “He just flashes that smile and turns on the charm and girls flock to him.”

  “I can certainly see where that would be true.”

  “But it takes someone exceptional to see beyond all of that. Beyond the charm, beyond the handsome face. Behind all of that, you’ll find the stubbornness, the one-track mind, and the bull-headedness that he has… that they all had. I know you’ve seen the ugly side of Trey, the side that most don’t see. I want to apologize for that, he can be a real asshole sometimes.”

  “You don’t know the half of it,” Callie mumbled.

  “But you’re still here, and don’t flatter me by saying it’s all for me, sweet girl.”

  Callie’s heart began to pound in her chest as a swarm of butterflies let loose in her stomach. “We should get going.” She turned toward the door as she felt warmth crawling up her face. The walls seemed to be closing in on her.

  “You know what’s harder than missing an O’Brien boy, Callie?”

  Callie paused, shaking her head and looking over her shoulder at Eve.

  “Loving one.”

  Callie exhaled a long breath and Eve reached for her hands. “I love my son. He is precious to me. And I may act like I don’t see the interactions between the two of you, but I do. And under different circumstances or at a different time, maybe, but…”

  Callie’s eyes flooded with tears and she tried to swallow past the burn at the back of her throat. She watched helplessly as Eve struggled to find her words.

  “Callie, please protect yourself. Don’t fall in love with him. He will hurt you. He’s never been the commitment type and this,” she pointed between the two of them, “has already become so much more than what I intended it to be. I didn’t know you would come here and it would feel so natural between all of us. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want him to get hurt. And if something happens between the two of you, I don’t see it ending well.”

  “Eve, I don’t –” tears began to fall as she tried to speak lies that had already been stolen by the truth in her heart.

  “Sweetheart, I see it in your eyes. You crave his presence just as deeply as I feel his absence. Jed and I used to joke about feeling each other. It sounds so silly now, but I would try to sneak into the barn when I knew he was busy with something, and every time, without fail, he would say, I feel you, my love.”

  Callie looked away as she wiped at her falling tears, trying to calm the racing thoughts she had swarming in her head. She cared about Trey, but had she let it go as far as love? Had she gotten so lost in Trey’s world that every wall she’d so perfectly constructed over the years fell without warning?

  “I may be too late, maybe your feelings already run too deep and you just haven’t admitted it to yourself yet. Just promise me you’ll try. I love having you here and you are welcome to stay, but please don’t blur the lines of what we are trying to accomplish. It could be dangerous for all of us.”

  Callie forced a smile, nodding as Eve pulled her in for a tight hug.

  Oltman’s grocery store was on the corner of Main Street. It was the only grocery store in town and apparently the place to be on a Wednesday evening. Large speakers sitting outside the back doors of the store played a constant loop of the latest country hits. Callie let a small squeal escape as Jason Aldean started playing. God, she loved that man.

  Half of the parking lot was filled with colorful booths filled with vendors peddling fresh vegetables and fruits and anything else you could possibly want. Callie noticed one table had an exceptionally long line.

  “What’s the big attraction over there?” Callie inquired.

  Eve leaned into Callie, talking just above a whisper. “Well, the two ladies at that table are authors.”

  “Really?” Callie asked with a smile as she watched Eve’s eyes light up.

  “That’s right. They live two towns over.”

  “I love reading. What genre do they write?”

  Eve patted Callie’s arm at the same time she waved to some of the other ladies standi
ng in line. “I believe they call it mommy porn, dear.”

  Callie nodded and gave Eve a broad smile. “Whatever floats your boat, I guess.”

  “I love that stuff,” Eve said giggling. “Those are the ladies from my book club. They’re the best! I’ll be right back.” She scooted off toward the other women who waited in line.

  Callie weaved in and out of the crowd, browsing through the tables of candles and homemade wooden signs. The vibe was happy and upbeat and she loved it.

  She found herself in front of a brightly colored stand, talking with a nice man and his wife about how to pick out the right tomato.

  “I didn’t know you liked tomatoes,” his calm voice slid over her skin, igniting goosebumps everywhere. She froze, carefully setting the tomato back onto the table and pushing her tongue over her suddenly dry lips.

  Unable to turn around and face him, she stated, “I don’t. I was buying them to throw at you the next time you tried to sneak into the guesthouse.”

  A low throaty laugh calmed her nerves a bit until Trey leaned in closer to her ear. A shockwave crashed through her entire body as she felt his warmth. “Hello, Callie,” he whispered. And that’s when she noticed the smell of alcohol on his breath.

  She turned and her voice cracked as she tried to speak. “Trey.”

  He was unshaven and his clothes looked like he’d been wearing them for days. Her eyebrows pulled together as she looked him over from head to toe. Even in this state, and as worry flooded through her, she still thought he was the most handsome man she’d ever seen.

  “I see you’ve missed me,” he said with a smirk.

  Callie shifted her weight from one side to the other and pushed her hands into her front pockets. She averted her eyes, not able to look directly at him. “No. I personally think it’s been a nice reprieve. Your mother, however, has missed you terribly. Shame on you for dropping off the face of the earth like that.” She snuck a quick look in his direction.