Chaos Remains: Greenstone Security #4

by Malcom, Anne

  She shrugged. “But that’s a choice I would make for myself. But for someone I adore? For you? I’m not sure I want you to have to go through all of that agony, after everything you’ve already gone through. I want love for you. I want a man to adore you. Treasure you and Nathan. Make you smile. Lance might be that man. I have a feeling it won’t be easy or simple to get there with him. It might very well be worth it, just like Eliza is.”

  He was. Some part of me knew that. Of course I didn’t say it out loud because he was insane.

  “You deserve a man that’s simple,” Karen continued. “That doesn’t know the ugliness of life, that hasn’t been crippled by it. But that same man might not be deep enough for you. To nurture you. To understand your pain. That’s what love is. Someone who will understand your pain.”

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks that I’d shed for my friends. I knew that it hadn’t been easy for them. We’d shared everything over the years. But I didn’t hear it with quite as much naked emotion.

  “That doesn’t help me at all,” I hissed after I pulled myself together.

  She smiled sadly. “I know. I wish I could help you. But I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help. I will tell you, whatever happens, whatever you decide. We’re here. We’ll be here no matter what. You have a family that will wipe away your tears and let you cry as much as you need. That will hold you up when you need to break down. To celebrate the wins with you. To smile with you. That’s going to be unchanging through all of this.”

  That helped. A whole lot.

  But her words followed me home.

  To bed.

  Into my dreams.

  “I think he has the ability to hurt you more than Robert ever did.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I hadn’t seen Lance.

  Not since I did the very stupid thing. And then he did the other thing, that was not at all stupid.

  Not since the kisses.

  They were so much more than that. They were something that created a shift in my body. In my frickin’ mind. The way he kissed me showed me that I was not another job to him. That those cold, blank, even cruel stares were a façade for something deeper. Darker. And he let me in. For the length of that moment we had last night.

  Until whatever it was that stopped him, mid-kiss, when I was sure a frickin’ tornado whipping through my living room wouldn’t detach us.

  But something did stop him.

  The same something that made him come back, kiss me, then disappear.

  Probably the deep, dark parts of him that I had no idea about and wanted to know more than anything.

  I’d wanted him to rip all of my clothes off and fuck me. Both times. It would have been that. Fucking. It wouldn’t be meaningful, tender lovemaking, the kind I’d been so sure I’d only ever want due to my history.

  Lance proved me wrong on that score.

  Proved me wrong with his absence, silence, with the lack of everything I’d come to expect.

  It turned out that Greenstone Security hadn’t given up on me for lack of payment. Duke came knocking on my door not long after Nathan and I got home to make sure we were okay and we knew how to work the security system. He was easy to smile, joke with me. He was just easy to be around. And he was attractive. Unnaturally so, like the rest of them. But it didn’t make me uncomfortable like Lance’s ungodly looks had.

  I had a reaction to him. I wasn’t dead.

  He was great with Nathan too. Especially when I invited him in for dinner. I had decided to treat Nathan and me to our favorite jalapeno chicken recipe. He loved spicy. And this was hands down the easiest and most delicious meal ever. I made mac and cheese on the side. I even went all out and made it from scratch, not having it in me to serve up Duke boxed mac and cheese.

  Plus, he kept Nathan busy, so I actually had the time to make it from scratch. He found two gloves and a ball and spent an entire hour out back with Nathan throwing the ball.

  Then he stayed for dinner, making conversation, asking about me, asking about Nathan, finding out my interests, hobbies, likes. There was never silence at the table, brooding or otherwise. It gave me a glimpse into what life might be like with a man like Duke.

  Or even Duke himself.

  I might have been seriously rusty in the dating game, but I was also a woman. Women knew when men were interested in them. Women especially knew when men like Duke were interested in them. Because although he was softer, kinder than Lance, he was still alpha as all hell. He still had a kind of mastery over the whole ‘sex god’ thing, a look, the way he tilted his body toward me as he spoke. A man like Duke made sure a woman knew he was interested. And not in a pushy, creepy way. It was like an invitation, a gentle prodding toward something that would almost certainly be epic.

  It would be nice.

  Easy.

  Full of laughter.

  It might not be forever, but there was something I was learning about these Greenstone Security men, beyond them being hot as balls, muscly as all hell and more alpha than anything I thought existed in real life. They were decent men. I’d seen enough of that. They treated women with respect. With reverence. So I knew Duke wouldn’t be extending such an invitation to me, me a single mom with a load of baggage and trauma if he didn’t intend on it being something more than a fling.

  It was a huge frickin’ compliment.

  It was tempting as all heck.

  But something stopped me.

  Someone stopped me.

  Lance.

  This was not a man I’d wished for.

  This wasn’t a man anyone wished for.

  He was too broken, too hard, too cruel for anyone to find peace with.

  But I wasn’t looking for peace.

  So I didn’t take Duke up on his silent invitation.

  I waited for chaos to come back in.

  * * *

  Chaos came back in.

  In different ways.

  In a person.

  “I have a present for you,” Rosie said, walking through the front door of my place like it was her own.

  I was almost certain her own place was a lot nicer than this, considering the price of her outfit probably added up to about two month’s rent.

  She never made me feel like less than her. It would’ve been easy, since I was. I wasn’t even talking about the financials. It was more about her confidence, radiating off her, like any situation was hers, like she could handle anything. The fact she was tough but also kind. Quick to help out a stranger, drop everything in her life to do so and then befriend said stranger even though she didn’t have to.

  That wasn’t just her. That was Polly, who called me every morning at the crack of dawn, because she knew I’d be up and she was off about to teach a yoga class. She then told me that I’d become a lifetime member of ‘The Problem with Peace,’ one of the trendiest yoga studios in LA. So trendy, even I’d heard of it, because it wasn’t pretentious at all, didn’t cost the same amount as a security deposit on the house to join, and that the classes were the best in the state. She’d had all sorts of write-ups in magazines, magazines I read at the grocery store and then put back.

  I used to love yoga. When Robert went to work in the morning, before I started with my chores for the day—he had a list for me—I would have a blissful hour of stretching, not thinking, of peace. Even when I was covered in bruises, when my entire body felt like an open wound, I would do some kind of stretches. Nathan was a great baby, so I managed it even after he was born.

  As soon as he started walking, my pockets of peace were gone, chasing around a kid who woke with the sun and didn’t stop until after it had gone down.

  I didn’t think I’d have the time, or the gas money to make it into the city to take a class that had a month-long waiting list to get into, but I thanked Polly and told her I’d try to make it all the same. She also promised her Ziggy and Skye would be out to visit soon and we’d have a yoga session here while the kids played.

  Lucy kep
t in touch too, mostly by text. A mom with a full-time job that was a huge deal, I knew how precious her time was, so I appreciated it.

  All of it.

  They’d taken me under their wings, that was for sure, and it made me feel warm and good, because they were good people. You could never be surrounded by too many good people, especially when you had so much muscle memory from the bad ones.

  And these people, Rosie included, didn’t make me feel less than for my choices, for my shitty Walmart shoes, for my secondhand furniture, for the fact I was just a waitress.

  None of it.

  Which was why I liked Rosie walking into my home like it was hers, dressing like she should have been on a runway, grinning like the madwoman I was starting to realize she totally was.

  Which was why I didn’t even know what to expect from Rosie’s version of a ‘present.’ It could be flowers, it could be a bubble bath, or it could be brass knuckles, pepper spray, detailed instructions on how to make a Molotov Cocktail—all things she told me she was going to make sure I had.

  But the envelope she was holding in her hand didn’t look like it could explode at any minute, so I took it.

  “I’m going to open a bottle of champagne to celebrate,” she said when I took it.

  I opened my mouth to tell her I didn’t have champagne, but she pulled a very fancy looking bottle out of her very fancy looking purse.

  I then opened my mouth to tell her that I definitely did not have fancy glasses to go with that kind of wine that I decided not to think about the price tag of. Of course, I had some kick-ass wine glasses, but for red wine, since I didn’t drink any other type, and I didn’t really have the occasion to buy or drink champagne. Again, I didn’t have time to verbalize this thought because another, equally glamorous woman walked through my front door, also without knocking.

  Lucy didn’t grin like Rosie did, because she didn’t really smile like that. She had a sleek, mysterious, thing going. Every time I’d seen her, she was wearing head to toe black, her hair sleek and inky, eyeliner so perfect it looked photoshopped. That didn’t mean she didn’t smile, she did that often too, just smaller and more with her vibrant, almost violet eyes.

  She was holding a wrapped box in her hands.

  The pop of a wine bottle made me jerk in surprise.

  “Perfect timing,” Rosie said, taking the box from Lucy without spilling the freshly opened champagne. She looked at me. “This is another present, to go with that one.” She nodded her head to the envelope I still hadn’t opened. Her eyes then focused on the box in Lucy’s hands. “Don’t mind if I unwrap it for you, do you?”

  She didn’t wait for me to answer, she put the bottle and the box on my table and started ripping at gift wrapping so perfect, it hurt me a little to see it so quickly destroyed.

  Lucy did not look at all perturbed by her best friend wreaking havoc on her gift wrapping, she moved in to kiss my cheek to say hello.

  She smelled like expensive perfume I sprayed on tester sheets in department stores and put in my crappy purse to at least make it smell good.

  “You didn’t have to get me anything,” I told her. I looked to Rosie, who was still unwrapping. “Either of you.”

  “My present is to go with Rosie’s present,” Lucy said in response. “And Rosie’s present is kind of a present to all of us.” She paused. “Well, considering the fact that I don’t have a child attached to me, or a deadline, or any drug lords after me—that I know of—it’s definitely a present for me too.” She winked.

  I didn’t have a kid with me either, Nathan had a playdate after school, which included dinner. It was the longest time I’d been away from him since everything happened, and I was definitely on the verge of driving over to his playdate and snatching him away and taking him home where I could watch him like a hawk.

  But I couldn’t do that. Part of being a mother—a big part—was the crippling fear of something happening to the little human that relied on you to keep them safe. Another part of being a mother, was making sure that fear didn’t take over your life, didn’t stop your child from experiencing life.

  You couldn’t protect your kid from everything. You had to be prepared to have them experience the bad in order for them to experience the good.

  Initially, I thought that’s why Rosie and Lucy were here, because they had their own, badass women superpowers and knew I was almost losing it and Eliza and Karen were both out in the city with meetings. Meetings they’d told me they would cancel if I needed them, because they knew me well enough to know that today would be hard.

  I had told them not to be crazy and that I was fine.

  I totally wasn’t fine.

  Which was why I was thankful for my new girlfriends coming to keep me company, distract me and just have some adult company. I didn’t really have a lot of girlfriends. Karen and Eliza didn’t count, since I considered them family. There were a few moms at school who weren’t part of the Lululemon brigade, and we got on pretty well. But none that made me feel like these women. None that I would think would do what these women had already done for me. I felt like I could tell them anything and they wouldn’t judge.

  “Here you go,” Rosie said, putting a long-stemmed champagne glass in my hand.

  I gaped at the glass. Although my own glasses were kick-ass, unique and beautiful. They were not like this. And they did not come in a powder blue box that was currently sitting on my coffee table.

  I gaped at Lucy. “Please tell the mother of a five-year-old child that makes a sport out of breaking things that you didn’t get me Tiffany glasses that I will now be willing to protect with my life, they’re that beautiful,” I said, my voice a little thick. No one had given me anything this nice before.

  I didn’t even think I was into things like this, but seeing the box, feeling the glass, looking at the geometric shape that had a frosted bottom, I realized I was totally into things like this.

  Lucy shrugged, taking a glass from Rosie. “Every girl deserves something from Tiffany, you more than most,” she replied simply as if it were that simple. “And if something breaks, it breaks. That’s life. Beautiful things break. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have pretty things. Some of the most beautiful things I’ve seen are those that have been broken.”

  My throat got even thicker, so much so, I didn’t know how I was going to drink this extremely fancy champagne out of my new fabulous glass.

  “Now, open the damn envelope,” Rosie said before I could start crying.

  I did as she said, because it seemed like a better thing to do than burst into tears. But then, once I opened it, read it, I burst into tears anyway.

  “I also got you a pen,” Lucy said, voice softer this time. “Because you have to use a Tiffany pen when signing the divorce papers that free you from that loathsome, weak, piece of shit.”

  I was blinking so rapidly the paper was blurry. But it wasn’t too blurry to see Robert’s scribbled signature at the bottom of each page. I’d all but accepted my fate of having to be legally connected to him for the rest of my life, because I would never risk serving him with divorce papers and potentially putting Nathan and I in danger. I’d never entertained the thought of marrying again, my main focus was always Nathan and keeping him safe. I put ‘Ms.’ on all official documents and considered Robert my ex-husband. I’d decided a long time ago that our vows were void the moment he laid his hands on me. I’d found peace in that thought.

  But I’d never realized how important this piece of paper would be until I was holding it in shaking hands.

  “How did you get him to sign this?” I choked out, still looking at the paper.

  “I used my manners,” Rosie answered. “The ones given to me by my biker club upbringing. The big, silent, murderous guy at my side might’ve helped too, but I like to think it was all me,” she continued.

  My breath hitched at that. “Lance was with you?” I asked, trying to sound casual about the man I’d kissed then hadn’t seen or heard from i
n days.

  She nodded. “Of course he was.” There was a knowing look on her face, but an understanding too. She didn’t ask any follow-up questions.

  I was thankful for that. Then, with great effort, I pushed Lance out of my mind.

  “This isn’t a gift,” I whispered to Rosie. “This is my life. My escape. You’re giving me my life back.”

  All teasing left her eyes. “No, honey. You gave yourself your life back. You took it back. I’m just making it legal. First time I’ve actually made something legal, instead of doing something illegal. It’s nice.”

  I choked out a half laugh, half sob.

  Then I took a sip of two-hundred-dollar champagne. Then I used a Tiffany pen to rid myself of Robert in the eyes of the law.

  I wasn’t sure which tasted better.

  No, I knew exactly what tasted better.

  It was a shame that sweetness didn’t last.

  Chapter Sixteen

  One Week Later

  My week was not quiet, or peaceful, regardless of Lance’s absence and Duke’s presence. Just like Duke had subtly come on to me with chivalry and respect, he took my subtle rejection the same. There was no bitterness, no aggression borne from damages to a fragile male ego.

  He accepted it and treated me exactly the same, well, without as much of his sex appeal. He was obviously a natural flirt, as it became apparent the more time he spent with Nathan and I. He seemed to know the score without me having to spell it out. It was refreshing, being around males with a healthy sense of masculinity. I’d always had to tiptoe around Robert’s. Anything I said that could be perceived as a rejection resulted in violence, name calling, anything he could do to make himself feel big.

  People always wondered about victims of domestic abuse. Why they stayed so long. How they got themselves involved with such monsters. But the thing was, abusers were smart. Masters of deception. They didn’t woo women with their fists, name calling, degradation. No, they were charming, kind, attractive, attentive. Robert had been. He’d gotten me to fall in love with a façade. I was especially vulnerable because I’d never known real love, real attention, real kindness. Therefore, I found it impossible to spot the false versions of it. I was desperate to matter to someone, to feel wanted, to feel worth something.