“I spoke to Shallem and told him everything I already knew and what I still had doubts about. I told him about all the fears I still harbored, about the ways I had realized that I myself had changed, and that I was no longer an ignorant young girl. I also said that if we were now closer to each other than ever, as he himself had stated, he must try to meet me halfway and share his world with me. I managed, to a certain degree, to get him to stop seeing me as if I were a fragile daisy that would whither the moment it was uprooted. Besides, I had obviously already been uprooted, that is, taken from my family, and had managed to settle in among them. Now they clearly, and with no fear nor delusions, were my family.
“I think it was Cyr’s birth that finally made me find myself. Seeing my son being rocked in the arms of an angel, hearing him say strange things about beings I couldn’t see by the time he was three years-old, and knowing that his soul could leave his body whenever he wished, however strange that it all may seem, it was these things that had dealt the decisive blow and made me accept the truth, made me embed myself so deeply into the ground that not even the cyclone that I was sure would come about one day would be able to tear me from it.
“I asked Shallem to show me all that he had promised, that is, all the marvels of the world. And, little by little, he did so. I wanted to know everything about his powers and how they differed from Cannat’s powers. From time to time and reluctantly, he would show me some of them.
“Sometimes when Cannat returned from one of his trips, his eyes would light up with happiness at being with his family again. His family, which, against his will, included me. At times, when he returned, I would stare at him and recall, in the darkest corners of my memory, that thousands of souls, many of which weren’t far from Florence, were eternally imprisoned in their decaying human bodies just because that powerful and resplendent creature had a desire to collect souls.
“I also remembered all the horrible things he did to me, all the things he had taught me, and how he had been forced to care for me and had done so with such repugnance. But, in spite of everything, there was one thing I could thank Cannat for, something Shallem had never known how to do: lower himself to my level so as to bring me up to his.
“None of this happened quickly nor was it expected, rather, it was the fruit of time and of the time we spent living together.”
–X–
“Tranquility filled our home. Cannat turned into, during the time he spent with us, a perfect and almost boring gentleman. It was only when he sought out his female conquests that he deviated from his routine. He didn’t kill, unless he had, what he considered to be, a good enough reason to kill.
“As for Shallem, he began searching again. After periods of complete normalcy, he would enter periods in which he would spend the entire day silent, grave, and deep in thought. At times, he would stay completely still and silent, submerged in his own impenetrable thoughts, for hours.
“Cannat would watch him attentively and his face would clearly express he felt Shallem was an inextricable enigma. Then he would look at me with that same expression, as though I were an undeniable continuation of Shallem’s mysteries.
“ ‘Use the power he gave you,’ Cannat demanded. ‘Look inside him and tell me what’s wrong. But no matter how long or how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a way to do that. It was as if that part of Shallem’s spirit that lived within me were nothing more than a joke Shallem and Cannat had invented. I didn’t have any kind of power.
“My only ability was the human capacity to think and brood. And thanks to this ability, I remembered all the other times and places that I had seen Shallem in a similar state. Times when he had worn that same melancholic and heart-breaking expression, an expression that had secretively returned like something disgraceful he feared sharing. I remembered Notre Dame, sitting next to the Seine, I remembered the Sacré-Coeur Basilica... and through my memories I realized Shallem continued dreaming about God and being redeemed, that he still held on to that obsession, even after he had done such horrible things that drew him even further away from his Father. The hate that had rekindled inside him the night of Jean Pierre’s death, the innocent young men he had killed for Eonar... Did he think God had been blind to all of that? Could He really be blind; was it a possibility? Who knows.
“Cannat stubbornly tried to read Shallem’s thoughts; he refused to be a helpless observer to his suffering. He would ask Shallem what was wrong using all the seductive persuasion he could muster. He spied on him, he followed him. He looked for ways to amuse him, like a human would look for ways to entertain a depressed relative. And although Shallem never told him what was wrong, although he was as inscrutable and remote as a beautiful and expressive but silent and reticent marble statue, Cannat, with Leonardo’s help, finally found out.
“ ‘That stupid obsession again!’ Cannat told me when we were alone. ‘Why can’t he just be happy? Why can’t he forget? Why can’t he realize that all that was ours no longer exists, that God doesn’t even exist? Why can’t he open his eyes and see what’s right in front of him instead of always walking around with that lost, longing expression for an irretrievable past? The world is his, humanity is all his and anywhere he can’t go, I’ll go for him. Why does he always have to be such a wanderer, so melancholic? What does he want from God? Remittance? Has he lost his mind? Is he blind?’
“As he asked these questions, he kept staring at me, bewildered, as if he thought I should know the answers since a part of Shallem’s soul was inside me. My eyes filled with tears and I gently caressed his cheek and whispered:
“ ‘If he were to easily accept his destiny; if he submissively resigned to find happiness within it, without fighting to try and change it, if he weren’t a rebel and mistrusted all authority, if he weren’t an outcast or a rebel, or restless, or unsatisfied, or passionate, would you love him? Would I love him?’
“ ‘I just want him to be happy,’ Cannat responded. ‘And I don’t care what must be done to achieve that.’
“His voice was sad and tired. His eyes rested on the bright, red orange flames in his hands, which he himself had ignited, not so much as to ward off a chill he couldn’t feel, but rather to brighten the room we were in and to watch the mournful play of lights sputtering within it.
“ ‘I’m not the devil,’ he continued in a voice so low I could barely understand what he had said. ‘I was never the devil. The devil doesn’t exist, just like hell doesn’t exist except here on Earth where humanity reigns. Hell is a state. A state humans produce. Nothing they told you when you were little is true. There is no other evil greater than mankind itself. Man is the only being capable of contriving the idea of a hell, of a diabolic punishment awaiting those who didn’t obey his outlandish laws in life. Man himself thinks he is a god and, with great satisfaction, determines who must suffer eternal damnation.’
“Submerged in his thoughts, he rubbed his temples as if his eyes burned or he was tremendously exhausted.
“ ‘There is no devil,’ he quietly insisted. ‘There is no hell. There are no fallen angels. There are only angels. Angels in exile.’
“I watched him astounded, not only because I had never seen him in such a state, but also because I never thought he could fall into such a state.
“ ‘I’m not evil,’ he continued, his languid gaze focused on nothing, as if he were trying to affirm this statement to himself.
“ ‘I know Cannat,’ I assured him, momentarily overwhelmed by love and sympathy. ‘I know.’
“As soon as I said this I thought about all those people he had killed for no reason and with such horrifying cruelty. However, I felt the need to console him so I drew near and held his powerful white hand between mine.
“ ‘What happened that day doesn’t change anything,’ he murmured in a trance. ‘The day we were exiled... If you could have seen Shallem’s face; his innocent expression of absolute bewilderment, the same expression I wore..., his confusion...’Why?’ he asked me over and over.
‘Why do we have to leave Cannat?’, as if I were the god who had decreed it. ‘Why is he being unjust?’ and then he looked at me with his innocent and sweet expression, an expression he was capable of making during that time, and his eyes lighted with bright sparks of confusion. At that moment, I knew we would never leave Earth.’
“ ‘Not him, nor I, nor any other angel knew what was going to happen. We trusted him, we trusted that his love for us would make him save us... bring us out of exile. We never suspected... nothing changed. We are the same. We are his angels, we are exiled but we are not devils. All other ideas exist in the minds of men, the only devil on Earth.’
“Then he looked at me, his expression confused, his eyes hungry for affection.
“ ‘But Shallem still believes...,’ I whispered. ‘He’s so lost...’
“I enlaced my arm through his and rested my head on his shoulder.’
“ ‘It happens much more frequently now,’ Cannat quietly continued. ‘He withdraws into himself, he hides for longer periods of time within his naive dreams, in that impenetrable sadness. How I wish I could see into his soul like he does mine!’
“Till then I had never seen a greater expression of sadness and anguish in Cannat’s eyes. Seeing it had me spellbound; seeing how much he worried about Shallem, how much he suffered for him, the way he wanted to protect him from all types of evil, how much he loved him and how possessive he was of that love, his resolute effort to understand his brother’s conflicted and complicated soul. He loved him passionately and with reverence, just like a god. He loved Shallem the same I myself loved him. We, Cannat and I, loved him equally, like devout, helpless slaves, begging for and unsatisfied with the attention we received from our indolent and distant god.
“Cannat kissed me gently on my forehead and I felt his lips linger against the pulsating vein on my temple. He kissed my heart, my soul.
“ ‘The love you feel for each other is eternal,’ I heard myself whisper. ‘It’s the only love that will be eternal. Tell me you’ll always be with him. Tell me you’ll always care for him...’
“I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by pleasure, and then my body ceased to exist. It ceased to exist as if it had never existed. I touched the flames surrounding me and they didn’t burn nor did they illuminate. Their light was white, very white; there was no spectrum of color. Cannat still held my head but the kiss had ended and his rapturous gaze was staring straight ahead. He was looking at me but I was no longer inside my body and his gazed was directed at the chimney. My soul had left my body and I was floating near the chimney. I wondered why he was still standing there, why he was still inside his own body. And then, I watched as our bodies fell to the floor, as if they had suddenly lost all their strength. My body lay crushed beneath his. But I didn’t care, I didn’t care at all what happened to my body. I vaguely and imprecisely recognized it as the shell I wore on Earth but I was completely separated from it, as if I had never been inside it. This is exactly what it felt like.
“A corner in the ceiling caught my attention. I knew it would be the best spot from which my soul could observe the room. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be in that corner and suddenly I was there. I didn’t fly or float, I just appeared there. From the I corner, I looked around the living room. The room looked like some sort of strange, ghastly place in the afterworld. It was as ashen, pale, and dead as my lax body lying on the sofa. What if I never returned to my body? Should I return? Should I really?
“And then I saw something incredible floating a few centimeters from the ceiling in the middle of the room. It was Cannat’s soul! He was so colorful! Sublime, celestial!
“ ‘Look at yourself,’ he told me.
“I did as he asked and immediately understood why he collected souls. ‘I collect souls,’ he had said and now seeing myself I thought, ‘Who wouldn’t, Cannat? Oh God! What am I really? I’m a miracle human eyes can’t see. And then my understanding deepened. I understood humanity’s search for beauty, for perfection. They searched for themselves, for their origins, for their own souls, for their true selves through their subconscious memories.
“ ‘I want to leave!’ I yelled. ‘I want to fly above Florence, I want to twist and turn in the copula of Saint Mary’s church. But no! No! None of that exists, right Cannat? You’ll guide me with your beautiful hand to our real world. To the world of the living.’
“Then, he came to me and caressed my cheek.
“ ‘I can feel!’ I exclaimed and thought to myself, ‘I see your face, your impeccably masculine face, your angular features, the light from your blue eyes, your seductive hair... I feel it, I see it through your fascinating multicolored light. What about me? Do I still have my human face? I appeared before a mirror in the room and looked and thought to myself, ‘Where am I? I don’t have a reflection! I can’t see myself! I can touch my face. It feels so strange! I’m no longer a woman. I’m a giant abstract of light and color, a pale, happy, and bright color. Beneath his colors, Cannat maintained his appearance. He’s an angel. He was born like that and he’ll never die. That’s why he looks the same. Shallem’s not here, and neither is our child. They are the only beings I remember. We’ll wait for them and then we’ll leave. Yes, we’ll leave the world of shadow and go toward the light, the distant, very distant light.’
“ ‘Come back right now,’ Cannat told me and I was frightened, horrified.
“ ‘No! No! I don’t want to go back!’ I cried out.
“Cannat smiled and came to me. I felt dizzy and then I felt a spasm in my heaving chest and then a scream came from my human body. I tried to stand but I couldn’t, I fought against the weight of Cannat’s body and it didn’t move an inch. And God, how my shoulder hurt! How much weight was on my chest! Cannat rose and my shoulder felt as if it had been torn to pieces.
“ ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Next time I won’t fall on you.’
“Dumbfounded, I just looked at him.
“ ‘You made me come back,’ I said as though I were accusing him of a monstrous crime.
“Cannat smiled and hugged me. I was powerless to stop him or speak to him.
“ ‘Beautiful, your soul is so beautiful,’ he said. ‘Don’t tell Shallem, he wouldn’t like what we did. It will be our secret.’
The priest’s hands formed a pyramid. He closed the pyramid and placed it over his mouth while his eyes watched the woman enraptured. She looked at him. It seemed as if his gaze brought her immense pleasure, as if it relaxed her.
“But I don’t want to deceive you,” she said after a few seconds. “I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my and Cannat’s relationship. During that period of time, we went from occasional affection to indifference and even to spells of evil that put me in my place. Let me tell you a story to prove this point.
“One day, when we were out for one of our walks, Shallem and Cyr had lagged behind trying to help an injured bird. Cannat and I were ahead of them and heard the mournful pleas of a poor, blind woman.
“I no longer had anything to do with mortals. However, blindness was the one affliction that still moved me to pity. I wanted to test my influence over Cannat so I didn’t hesitate to say, ‘Give her back her sight.’
“ ‘Have you gone mad? Why would I do that?’ he asked.
“ ‘Why not? I feel sorry for her.’
“ ‘Do you think I care?’ he answered, filling his words with disdainful sarcasm.
“At that moment, Cyr and Shallem had approached us.
“ ‘Cyr,’ I said. ‘Your uncle Cannat said that if you wanted him to, he would give that woman back her sight.’
“ ‘Oh yes! Do it uncle, I want to see how you do it!’ he said, excited.
“I looked at Cannat and smiled triumphantly knowing he wouldn’t want to disappoint him. And he didn’t disappoint Cyr. Reluctantly and without saying a word, he grabbed the woman by her arm. He dragged her to a deserted alley as she struggled against him. And there, as Cyr watched with adoration and devotio
n in his eyes, he gave her back her sight.
“Cyr clapped his hands in delight. The woman, submerged in some mystic ecstasy, thought she was in the presence of a saint. Shallem watched her uneasily and I watched her triumphantly.
“ ‘Did you see how I did that, Cyr?’ Cannat asked. I was apprehensive because I had noticed a savage expression emerging on his face.
“ ‘Yes, yes I saw it!’ Cyr cried. ‘Will I be able to do it one day?’
“ ‘Of course you’ll be able to,’ Cannat assured him.
“Meanwhile, the woman had thrown herself at Cannat’s feet. He tried to move away as if she were a repulsive creature. In the middle of an effusive cry, she screamed, ‘It’s a miracle, it’s a miracle!’ And then she began asking to whom she was indebted for the miracle.
“ ‘The archangel Saint Michael,’ Cannat told her and with a violent kick, managed to make her let go of his leg.
“ ‘An angel!’ She began screaming and a splendid smile brightened her face. ‘Saint Michael! Saint Michael!’
“ ‘Exactly,’ Cannat said, gave me an accusing look and added. ‘However, you should thank your benefactor because, just for her benefit, I’m going to show you the world as no other human has ever seen it.’
“The woman stood there praying fervently in front of her divine messenger that had given her the miracle. And as she stood there praying, she saw herself float higher and higher into the air. In body and soul, she floated toward heaven as four small figures watched her from the ground. She stopped for an instant and then began falling. She fell toward the ground like a rag doll.
“ ‘Stop her, Cannat!’ Shallem screamed. ‘Stop her!’
“And when he realized his brother wouldn’t obey, he grabbed Cyr and covered his eyes from the horror. The woman was probably dead before she hit the ground. Her body turned into a dismembered, shapeless, and crushed mass surrounded by a puddle of blood and fat.
The Devil's Concubine Page 27