Dirty Chaos

by L. A. Corvill

  “Jerk.” I smile.

  I drop off Luka back at his house. I make my way home, but I still don’t feel okay. The boys and I have never gone to bed in a fight. I detour to Nolan’s house and see Brian’s truck in the driveway as I pull up. Yay! Kill two birds with one stone. NOT. I hate when they can gang up on me.

  I don’t even stop to knock. The front door is always open since nobody would dare to rob the mayor of our town. I open the door and I can hear the music flowing from Nolan’s room upstairs. I make my way up the stairs. Nolan’s house screams money, with the wide staircase that splits into a right wing and a left. It reminds me of old Hollywood movies. Sometimes when I was little, I would sit on the stairs to wait and see if Audrey Hepburn would appear, or Rhett and Scarlet. I get to the top of the landing and turning towards the noise.

  I haven’t thought my argument through, and I pause as I get to the door. I face the ugly poster forbidding me to enter. I push the door open and I see them both having the time of their lives playing Xbox. I am over here having a meltdown in front of the most gorgeous guy I have ever met because of our fight, and yet they have no problem going about their night. Were they even going to call me? Did they even care that their words hurt me?

  “So, I see how much you both care about my friendship!” I yell over the noise, stomping toward the T.V. and turning it off.

  “Lola, what the fuck!” Nolan yells. “We were in the middle of an important mission.” Brian just throws his remote on the couch. I know that I just did a huge guy no-no, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m pissed and I need to let it out.

  “Well, too bad. I just figured I’d stop by and try to apologize for my behavior this past week, but you know what? Screw you. I was doing something for me and I won’t apologize. It should be you apologizing for going off on me earlier,” I inform them. Screw them. I was a mess and they were playing Call of Duty like everything was fine.

  “Took you long enough to come seek us out. Or did you stop by someone’s house first? Seeing as that it should’ve taken you about three minutes to follow us back and you are about eighty minutes late,” Brian says. He has a point. Before, I would’ve followed them here in a second, but this time I wanted comfort before I faced the firing squad. Plus, before now, I didn’t have anyone else to go to.

  “Look, whatever. You had no business yelling at me in my house. I have always respected your guys’ lives. I’m the one that never misses a football or baseball game, rain or shine. I am the one stuck here when you go to your sports summer camps together. When was the last time you guys went to one of my showcases or the track to see me, huh? Don’t come with all this bullshit that I am ignoring you or that I don’t have time for you. I always have time, but I have been busy. Can you guys just be okay with that?’’ I finish my rant and my chest is heaving. I am out of breath.

  “When did you turn into such a girl, Lola?” Nolan asks. Leave it to him to ignore everything I said and make it seem like I’m just being an over-dramatic girl.

  “The same day you turned into an ass,” I counter back. Why did I ever think that they would care? They are boys. My feelings have never come into play before, since I was never dramatic or girly, as Nolan likes to point out. Maybe I’m about to start my period.

  “Hey kids, stop with the name calling,” Brian intervenes. “Lola, we were not mad that you have a life outside of us, but that you feel you have to ignore us to have that life.”

  Have I mentioned that I hate Brian sometimes? He always has to go deeper. I guess that I have to answer that since they are both looking at me waiting. I bite my nail, something I do when I am nervous or just trying to fill the dead silence.

  “Well…” I begin again. “It’s not that I wanted to exclude you, it’s just that it happened that way. I got so caught up in sneaking out to train with someone that feels the same passion for a sport that I love. I felt like I finally found someone that gets me and doesn’t feel intimated by me. So yes, I got wrapped up in that, on top of Dion riding my ass with training and not to mention school.” Now, that I think about it, how do my abuela and the boys know that I go to the track? I thought I was being so careful. I wonder if Dion knows.

  “Hey, how do you guys know that I was sneaking off to the track anyway?”

  “Seriously, Lola?” Nolan looks at before rolling his eyes. “We know you since you were in diapers, we know that even you swearing on top of a bible will not stop you from staying off the track. So, your promise to Dion was not going to hold.”

  “Even Dion knew that. Beside, Dion said that all that perfume you have been wearing lately does not mask the exhaust and oil from your hair.” Brian inputs.

  “Back to the ditching us. We can understand that you were focus, since we get like that during playoffs and championships, but we never blow you off,” Brian says as he runs his hand through his hair. Maybe I had stayed away from them due to Luka questioning our relationship after he saw us kiss.

  “Well, I did want to put some distance between us. Luka saw both of you kissing me the other day and that made me feel weird about what he thinks of me.”

  “Why? Who cares what he thinks? He is only here for a few months, and then he will leave and nobody will care about him. He is no one. We run this town!” Nolan exclaims.

  “I care.” I bring up my hand, shaking my head to stop Nolan from speaking. I have to get this out. “Guys, I really like Luka and he would never understand what we have heck, no one would understand. I don’t want that to mess up what I want to start with him. And now that we are talking about it, I just want to stop the physical aspect of our relationship completely.”

  “What?!” Nolan asks angrily.

  “He makes me feel different than what I have ever felt before. You both are a very big part of me, like an organ or something. I am glad we had each other growing up, but what I feel for Luka is body and soul consuming.” I make my way closer to them and sit on the table in front of the couch.

  “So, you love this guy or something?” Nolan asks quietly.

  “Or something.” I say with half a smile. I love my boys.

  “So does this mean we have to beat him up if he breaks your heart?” Brian says.

  “No. I know how to kick his ass myself. You boys have taught me well.”

  “Well, we will be your back up,” Nolan says, opening his arms so I can walk in to his hug. See? We can’t stay mad that long. Life is changing for all of us and I think the boys are realizing it too.

  “So when you say organs, you mean your boobs right?” Nolan asks playfully.

  “Gross.” I punch him in the stomach and get up fast before he retaliates. He jumps after me and catches me around the waist, throwing me to the bed and tickling me. I try to push him away, but we are a mess of arm and legs. My elbow makes contact with Nolan’s neck; he stiffens and jumps off me.

  “Fucking shit!” He yells as he rubs his neck, shaking his head back and forth.

  “Dude, I’m sorry,” I say worriedly as I attempt to help him massage his neck.

  “Just fucking leave it, Lola!” he says angrily as he pushes my hands away and stomps into his bathroom, slamming the door closed. I exchange a worried look with Brian, who is as stunned as me at what just happened. I start biting my nails as I sit back on the bed, grabbing a pillow in between my hands. I can hear cursing and water running, then nothing.

  The door opens moments later. “So guys, who’s hungry?” Nolan asks, coming out of the bathroom like nothing happened moments before. Weird.

  “I need to get home. See ya tomorrow,” I say, blowing them both a kiss. I walk out, but not before exchanging a look with Brian. I see Nolan just shrug his shoulders and go to his desk for his phone. I close the door of his room as he asks Brian what kind of pizza he wants.

  Alone. It’s where I have always planned to be and wanted to be. I have never been one to want a commitment or a clingy girl permanently fixed to my side. Lola. Lola. Her name alone brings an extra beat to my heart. Sh
e’s different, unique. She’s unlike all other girls. She doesn’t care if her hair is out of place, if her nails aren’t perfectly manicured, or if her lips aren’t plastered with that gooey junk they call gloss. Her confidence radiates off her like diamonds in the sun. Since I first saw her, I felt a physical attraction to her, but I was never supposed to care, much less like her. Now ‘alone’ sounds like the loneliest place to be. My life craves her presence.

  Tonight was the best damn night I have had in a long time. I didn’t have to try to be a person she wanted me to be, I was myself. I have never been myself with a girl, but with her, it’s innate. I want to call her, to hear her voice, but it’s late. Instead, I settle for thoughts of her consuming my mind.

  Sunday mornings, I love them. I can already smell the pancakes, bacon, and coffee Abuelita is making. She makes the best pancakes. I take a moment and lay back on my bed, absorbing last night’s events. I touch my lips and circle my fingers around them, trying to bring back the feeling he left lingering after we kissed. His lips were foreign but my body accepted them as native. The smile across my face has been there since yesterday, and it refuses to go away. I stretch across my bed before stepping out of it; the cold floor brings chills to my body. I run to the drawer and reach for a fuzzy pair of socks. I pull out the socks I got last year from Nolan. He instantly invades my mind, pushing all thoughts of Luka aside. I have known him all my life and last night his behavior and demeanor were off; he wasn’t himself. Before I can send a text message to Brian, I hear a knock at my door.

  “Yeah?”

  “Breakfast is ready,” my grandmother says. I turn to look at her and see her taking a moment at my door.

  “It smells good, but pancakes?” I have been trying to stay away from carbohydrates so that I can get leaner. However, it seems that the more I try not to eat them, the more my body craves them.

  “Pancakes are your favorite. Besides, that skinny frame of yours needs a little meat. Come on, Lolita. You can’t say no. I made them especially for you. Your diet can start tomorrow.” She’s right, I can restart my diet tomorrow, but my afternoon session with Dion might not go so well with the weight of the carbs slowing me down.

  I nod my head and follow her downstairs. My parents are already in the kitchen with cups of coffee in their hands.

  “Good morning, sweetie.”

  “Good morning,” I say cheerfully. My dad suddenly sets his cup down on the table and looks at me warily.

  “What?” I shrug my shoulders and go grab a cup of coffee. I see my mother looking over the rim of her coffee cup.

  “What?” I repeat.

  “Are you being sarcastic or are you really happy this morning?” My dad asks.

  “Aren’t I always happy?” I ask.

  “Well yeah, but not on Sundays at seven in the morning.”

  I had no idea it was that early. Usually I don’t like being woken up until about nine or after, so why is today different? I don’t know.

  “Okay, so why the early bird breakfast?” I ask, knowing there is a reason.

  “Your mother and I got an opportunity to go Africa. It’s a sudden business trip and we have to leave this afternoon. We will be out for a week, maybe two, and we just wanted to spend as much time with you as we can before we leave.” I shake my head. My parents are out a lot but I love them for always making time for me when they are here.

  “Okay then, let’s enjoy this breakfast to its fullest.” No time wasted, no time taken for granted. I sound like Abuela. We enjoy the rest of the morning laughing and reminiscing.

  It’s a little past noon when my parents are leaving for the airport. I’m waiting for Dion to arrive and my grandmother is napping. I’m in the dance room, my body sprawled out on the floor. I lay here in the stillness of my sanctuary, taking a moment to breathe. I close my eyes and lie here. The stillness only lasts a few minutes before Dion interrupts it. Shit. I quickly get to my feet and begin to stretch.

  “Lola, what the hell are you doing? If you want time to meditate, do it on your time, not mine. You should already be stretched and warmed up, and you’re neither,” he says.

  He grabs my phone and scrolls through my dance music.

  “Dion, before we start I know you know that I broke my promise. I want to apologize for that. I’m sorry. I tried I really did.”

  “I knew I was asking a lot, it lasted more than what I expected, though. So, it’s okay my swan. Besides, I would not have been able to turn down that sexy man candy either.” And just like that all is forgiven.

  He hits play and immediately the sound of the violin begins to blare over the speakers; Lindsey Sterling is always a good choice.

  “You have ten minutes to stretch and five to warm up.” He stands there with his arms crossed and his gaze right on me. Practice is going to be hard. The dictator is back.

  We are halfway through practice, and Dion has been quiet. Not what I expected. He’s never quiet. I continue to dance, afraid to disappoint him, but his silence might be a sign he’s already disappointed. I go through my routine about five or six times, all to different songs. He stops the music, which automatically causes me to turn his direction.

  “Last one today Lola. Make it count, give it all you got,” he says. He plays the music and it’s one of my favorites, “Crystallize” by Lindsey Sterling. With each move, I make sure to point my toes, extend my arms, keep my shoulders back, chin up, and nail every turn. The song ends, the room is silent, save for my breath. I see Dion in the mirrors that are in front of me, but I can’t tell whether he’s disappointed or satisfied with my routine, so I wait for him to say something.

  “Beautiful. That was damn beautiful. You did well, my swan. There was a dropped shoulder here and there but other than that, you got it.” I feel a sense of relief come over me. My chest is still heaving and my muscles are burning but I still manage a smile.

  “I gotta go but I’ll see you tomorrow. Make sure to cool down before taking a bath.” He quickly gathers his things and heads out. I walk around the room to ease my burning muscles before taking my bath.

  I’m in my room changing when I hear my phone chime. I’m assuming it’s one of the boys, but I’m surprised to see it’s Luka.

  Luka: Hungry?

  Me: Famished.

  Luka: 6pm.

  Me: My house?

  Luka: Yes.

  Me: Ok.

  Luka: :)

  I throw my phone down on the bed. My stomach is in knots; I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m not sure where we are going but I need something nice to wear. I pull my favorite skinny jeans from the hanger and grab my favorite black and red plaid infinity scarf. Anything with these two things looks nice so I complete my outfit by layering a white long sleeve shirt with a black cotton cardigan and slip on my riding boots. I take a quick look in the mirror and I’m content with my outfit. I don’t wear much makeup so I would hate to put too much on and make it look like I’m trying too hard, so I keep it simple. I keep it me.

  I glance over at the time and it’s already six. I grab my phone but I have no missed calls or texts. Anxiety is creeping up in me as the time passes. I walk downstairs and see my grandmother on the couch. She is sipping on her tea and reading. She feels me in the room and looks up at me.

  “You look nice, princesa,” she says and smiles.

  “Thank you. I’m going out to dinner with my friend Luka, I’ll be home later.” I don’t want to commit to a specific time, so I don’t give her one. I would hate for her to worry.

  “Stay true to yourself.” She turns and continues sipping on her tea and reading.

  “I will.” I hear the doorbell ring and I know it’s him. I glance at my phone and notice it’s fifteen minutes past six. I hesitate to open it immediately.

  “Bye, Abuela, I love you.” I see her shaking her head, and I know it’s because I’m not running to open the door. I guess I am giving him a taste of his own medicine.

  I hear a gentle knock at the doo
r. I take a deep breath and open it. He is standing there smiling at me, wearing all black from his shirt to his boots.

  “You’re late.”

  “I know,” he says calmly as he smiles at me. Damn him.

  I can see the sky. It looks like a painted canvas. The sun is veiled by the gray clouds, illuminating the sky with hues of pink and blue. I sit in the passenger seat of Luka’s car distracted by nature’s beauty, or maybe I’m just trying to take in this moment to calm my nerves. I’m not sure which, but more than likely, it’s the latter. We haven’t said a word to each other since we got in the car. I turn to look at him. He looks at me and smiles. I smile and shake my head.

  “What?” he asks, trying to look at the road and me at the same time.

  “Nothing.”

  “I know you are thinking about something, I want you to tell me,” he demands.

  “Are you always so demanding?”

  “Yes.” He’s so cocky; it’s annoying but sexy at the same time.

  “Well, I’m not going to tell you.”

  “Are you always so defiant?” he asks.

  “Yes,” I answer. He shakes his head and leans a little closer to me, holding the wheel with one hand and resting the other on top of mine. He circles his fingers around my hand, and I debate whether to take his hand in mine. He runs his fingers between my fingers then down toward my palm, causing my hand to intertwine with his. Sneaky little sucker.

  I’m not going to lie, I expected dinner at a nice restaurant, so when he pulls into the old 1950s remodeled diner that has been here forever, I’m caught by surprise. Then again, I should always expect the unexpected from Luka. There are only two other cars in the parking lot so he has no problem finding parking.

  “You’re doubled parked,” I say, pointing to the yellow lines on the asphalt. He looks around at the nearly empty parking lot then back at me.

  “Yes, I know.”It’s a pet peeve of my mine. I hate double parkers, and it looks as if people are so in a hurry that they literally just park and jumped out of their car.