by Amanda Wylde
I can't even breathe. I expected her to be mad, hurt, hard to convince for sure. But I didn't expect this. "Tell me you really believe that you'll ever be happier with him than you know you'd be with me," I say and feel the fury building because we both know that's an impossibility if she's feeling even remotely what I've always felt for her. My words get even louder. "Tell me that deep in your heart of hearts, where it hurts to even remember the unimaginable emotion we experienced when we made love, that you truly believe your life will ever be complete without me. Because I sure as hell know mine won't ever be without you."
She's quiet and I know I have her. There's no way she can say she thinks she will. There's no way she can honestly believe Kris could ever make her feel what she feels for me.
"I do," she whispers
I'm stunned silent for a moment, until I'm able to breathe again. "You want me out of your life for good, Remi?" I ask because if she's really going to insist on this bullshit I need to hear her say the words. "Is that what you want? Because if that's what you're saying you better be damn sure about it. If that's what you want then I'll respect that. But the only way I'll be able go on without you is if you're dead to me. So if this is what you want I'll make sure that's the case and you will never hear from me again."
My hopeful heart holds out praying that the deathly silence means she can't possibly say it. That she'll come to her senses and realize that despite everything that's happened between us we're still meant to be. Then I finally hear her take a breath. "I want you out of my life, Travis."
My heart breaks as I say goodbye to Remi—my Cherry —for the last time. I walk back into the house utterly numb. I don't even know how long I stand there staring out of my window but at nothing in particular, just thinking about how fucked this is until I hear someone at the door. It's when I remember Elsa going out to lunch with her sister.
I'm done trying to hide my internal agony. I've fucked up plenty of times in my life but this feels like the worst. Everything else I've managed to fix. How do you fix the hole in your heart you know no one else will ever be able to fill? I stare out the window as the tears spill out even as I hear her footsteps near.
"What's the matter?" she asks and I hear her put her things down on the table.
I shake my head swatting tears away and in the next second she's there next to me, touching my arm. "What is it, babe?"
I turn and hug her because I need to be held. "Just lost a dear friend," I whisper against her ear barely able to get the words out. "Someone very special to me, even though we'd lost touch for a few years."
"I'm sorry," she says hugging me tighter and rubbing my back.
She pulls me to her and kisses me softly on my lips. It's all we've done this past month. I know she's felt me being distant but I also know she thinks it's because I'm worried about hurting her. She doesn't suspect in the least something's changed.
I kiss her back a little deeper as the ache in my heart gets heavier. This is all I have now; Elsa and my baby. I need to accept it and try to move on. Remi is in love with Kris now—my fucking cousin. She's happy and wants me out of her life. I said I'd respect that and I need to. I have no choice anymore.
Our kissing gets deeper and I can feel Elsa's longing. It's been over a month. She's ready for things to go back to the way they used to be. The way I'd make love to her before I saw Remi again. Before I thought I'd finally made her mine.
Elsa runs her fingers through my hair now as our kissing takes a turn to the more frantic. I need her for a different reason now. I need something anything to numb the torment I'm feeling.
I pick Elsa up and walk her over to the lower counter in my kitchen, mindful to not call her by the name of the girl who will forever own my heart. The girl I'll forever think of when I make love to anyone for the rest of my life.
Pulling her skirt up, and panties off, she spreads willingly for me as I unzip and pull my cock out of my pants. I take her face in my hands and kiss her trying desperately not to think of the last time I did this to Remi then slide into her with a groan. Even the pleasure of being inside her doesn't numb the pain in my heart but I concentrate on trying to enjoy this and fuck Elsa hard until we're both crying out for different reasons.
I collapse against her breathlessly as the warm tears continue to flood my eyes and she holds me. She knows I'm still hurting. Only she'll never know the real reason.
Chapter 13
Kristiano
The refinancing of my aunt's house finally closed and it's a done deal. It was starting to look like it might not happen because of some credit crap on my mom's credit record but we were finally able to get it fixed and the house is officially under both their names. The mortgage is now five hundred dollars less than it was before the refinance and my aunt can breathe easier about her bills.
It's a good thing too because as soon as I save enough I'm out of here and they'll still be able to handle the bills on their own. Once I have my own place I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I can convince Remi to move in with me. I hate having to say goodbye to her at night and I'd really prefer to make love to her in my, our own bed than random hotel room beds like we've been doing so far. As much as I like the spontaneous times we've gotten carried away and done it in unconventional places like in my car out in public, as a cop I can't be taking such risks. With my own place I can take her anywhere in it and still keep things spontaneous without the risk of getting arrested.
My thoughts are still on my sweet Remi as I turn the corner glad today we both have a day off. I just have to wait for her to get some sleep and then I have her for the rest of the day. When I turn the corner I see the paramedics and ambulance at my mom and aunts house. Instantly my adrenaline is pumping and I jump out of my car the moment I'm parked across the street. I hear my mother's anguished cries coming from inside then the paramedics rush out of the front door with my aunt on a gurney. One of them is pumping her heart furiously but she looks lifeless.
I rush to my mother's side who's hysterical and trying to be calmed by some of the first responders. "What happened?" I ask as I reach her.
"Oh, Kristiano!" she cries then wraps her arms around me sobbing.
"I got her," I tell the guy who was holding her up, making sure she doesn't collapse. "I'm her son."
Since my mom is so hysterical and can't talk, the guy starts to explain while she continues to sob against my shirt. "This is your mom or?" he points at the ambulance.
I motion at my mom and he seems relieved. "Okay so I guess your mom went to check on the victim this morning," he points at the ambulance again.
"My aunt," I say with a nod.
"Oh," he clears his throat. "It appears she may've had a seizure in her sleep and possibly choked on her own vomit. When your mom found her, she was unresponsive and barely had a pulse."
I go cold because the ambulance hasn't moved and it doesn't appear to be in any hurry to go anywhere. That could only mean one thing. I help my mom inside, not sure what to say to her. The boys and my sister are in school and I can't even imagine breaking the news if it's as bad as what I'm thinking. I spotted my aunts neighbor and good friend outside among the gathering crowd and walk to the door once I have my mom on the sofa.
I wave at her to come to the door. I know the paramedics and authorities will need to talk to someone and my mom is no condition to talk to anyone. I explain to Maggie what happened and she gasps bringing her hands to her mouth and starts to fall apart too.
Fucking great. "Listen, Maggie," I say holding her by the shoulders and looking into her flooding eyes. "I need you to please be strong and sit with my mom while I get more information. I don't know how bad it is yet. But I don't wanna leave my mom in there alone."
She nods trying to get it together and walks into the house. The next few hours are a nightmarish blur. I was right about the ambulance not going anywhere. The moment I walked back they confirmed what I was afraid of. They were now waiting on the coroner.
As
a cop I knew the drill. The Sherriff's had to conduct the customary investigation to rule out any foul play. But this was very cut and dry. My aunt was a lifelong epileptic. Even wore a medical alert bracelet. Unfortunately her sudden and unexpected death is not uncommon amongst epileptic patients. Even the coroner said after just one look at the report that unless the cops found anything suspicious her cause of death would likely be asphyxiation.
Thankfully my mom was given a sedative and knocked out for hours while I braced myself to deal with breaking the news to Trace and Trevor who seemed more in shock and disbelief than anything else.
Now I'm bracing myself to send the text I know should have my phone ringing shortly. Since the last time Travis was here I've sent him a few texts he's never responded to. It was never anything important. Just shooting the breeze and trying to stay in touch but I've never heard back.
I figure he's just busy and if I ever really have anything important he'll respond. I tried calling him because this isn't news I'd want to tell anyone over a text. So I send the text letting him know I really need to talk to him ASAP. That it's about his mother.
As expected my phone rings almost immediately. "What's up," he asks as soon as I answer.
"Your mom," I say clearing my throat and forgetting everything I'd practiced to say to him. "She had a seizure sometime last night in her sleep. My mom found her unconscious and not breathing this morning in her bed and called 911 but . . . she didn't make it, man. I'm sorry."
There's a long silence on the other end as I squeeze my eyes shut wishing there was something else I could say to him that might make this less painful. But I'm at loss for any such words. "How are my brothers?" he finally asks.
"They're doing okay," I say then add. "I think they're still in shock but neither was here when everything went down. They were in school."
"Alright. Thanks for letting me know," he says as emotionless as I suppose anyone in complete shock must be. "I'll call Trace now and get on the first flight I can get out there."
We end the call and I check the time. I talked to Remi earlier to give her the news and let her know today wasn't going to be the day off I expected. She was as in shock as everyone else has been so far and of course understanding about our day being shot. But I still yearn to see her. After a day like this I need to hold her. I need the comfort of her loving arms.
Maggie stops by that afternoon to drop off a casserole. I feel bad taking her up on her offer when she asks if there's anything else she could do but I need to get out of the house even if it's just for a few minutes. "Actually there is," I say. "I need to run a few errands. Would you mind hanging out for a little and keeping an eye on the boys and Riley? My mom will probably be up in a little but I don't think she'll be in much condition to be looking out for them"
She gladly agrees telling me to take my time. Relieved, I pull out my phone and head out. I text Remi to let her know I'm free for a little and she tells me to come over. She's on her porch before I even get out of my car and I can't help but smile. It's always good to see her but tonight feels so much better than the usual. She meets me halfway down her front walkway and hugs me as soon as she's close enough. "I'm so sorry about your aunt," she whispers. "I still can't believe it."
I hold her for a while wishing to God I didn't have to go home tonight. That I could just get a room with Remi and I could make love to her all night like I'd planned before I got home.
I groan as I let go and finally pull away to look into her beautiful blue eyes. "It's gonna be a rough next few days," she says running her hand down my arm. "But I'll be here for you, sweetie."
She reaches up to run her fingers through my hair and I stop her hand before she takes it back and kiss it. "Travis will be here soon," I say as I kiss her hand again. "I'll help him out with whatever he needs but I'm assuming he'll want to make all the arrangements."
Remi stares at me for a moment then glances away. "Let's go inside," she says taking my hand in hers and starts to her front door. "Have you eaten today?"
"I haven't actually had a meal," I admit suddenly a little hungry. "But I have had a few things here and there."
The smell of food that infiltrates my nose the moment I walk in makes my stomach churn and I realize how hungry I really am. Her parents and her grandpa offer their condolences as I walk into the front room where they're eating on TV trays. Remi lets them know I haven't eaten and her mother tells her there's still plenty of roast in the slow cooker and mashed potatoes on the stove. That's what I smell and it sounds delicious.
I'm promptly served a heaping plate of roast and mashed potatoes and gravy. I plow it down as I tell her all about the day I had. How I had to break the news to Trace and Trevor—my mom not taking it well—at all. She listens to it all reacting, with winces and mournful expressions. Then I tell her about the dreadful conversation I had to have with Travis.
Remi takes my near empty glass of milk. "Let me get you more," she says standing and heading to the fridge.
"His reaction is I imagine how I'd react if I got that kind of unexpected news. Even over the phone he sounded numb."
"Is he coming alone?" she asks as she stands at the counter next to the fridge pouring my milk.
"He didn't mention anything," I say scooping up another spoonful of potatoes. "He didn't say a whole lot. Except to thank me and let me know he'd be on the next plane out."
I chew my entire spoonful of food and I'm pretty sure Remi's done pouring my milk only she's still standing there.
"Rem?" She flinches and opens the fridge door to put the milk back in. "What were you doing?" I ask when she turns to me with the glass and starts back to the table.
"I'm sorry I got lost in thought there for a moment," she shakes her head. "Work stuff. So next plane out huh?"
"Yeah, I guess he figures he needs to get out here and get the process going. I doubt they had any arrangements made. Not as relatively young as my aunt was."
We talk a bit longer but as much as I'd like to stay there with Remi as late as possible, I can't. I need to get back and check on my mom and the boys. I kiss her extra long when she walks me out and take a deep breath.
"Life," I say shaking my head. "Just like when my dad died and we had to move. You never know what'll happen from one day to the next."
Weeks after my aunts services my mother is still not taking the loss well. The boys have also been depressed and quiet. But the one thing everyone has expressed and agreed on is that they shouldn't have to move to Philly with Travis like he suggested. Their life has taken a big enough hit, so pulling them from their school, their friends and their home would be more detrimental to them now than help.
At first Travis had insisted he didn't want to burden me or my mom with the responsibility of having to deal with them. But my mom wants to. It's like this is all she has left of her sister and she wants them close by. She even suggested Travis consider moving back so the whole family can be closer.
Travis of course said there was no way. His business is in Philly now but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with his pregnant girl and her entire life being out there. Flipping homes sounds like something he could do anywhere. His girlfriend couldn't make it to the services because she had finals she couldn't miss going on that week. But Travis did agree for now to let the boys stay out here only he'd be sending my mom a check every month to cover their expenses. He also said he'd be coming out more often to see the boys more and I'm assuming at some point we'll get to meet his girl.
As expected he wasn't the same Travis. Like my mom, he's clearly not taking this well. He was very quiet and stoic the whole time he was here. At times it even seemed he was angry which is also to be expected as it is one of the first steps of the grieving process. Aside from discussing his brother's situation we barely spoke and as soon as the services were over and he agreed his brothers could stay put for now, he was gone.
He's back in town again for Trevor's birthday. Tomorrow the boys are playing hooky from schoo
l so he can take them to Six Flags, but tonight my mom prepared a big birthday dinner for Trevor. Remi was supposed to be here tonight but was asked to work an overtime shift last minute. So it'll just be us and Travis.
A little after five, I see the car pull up and turn to my mom. "Is he staying here or a hotel?"
"He has his girlfriend with him this time so he said this time he'll get a room," My mom says rushing back into the kitchen. "My ziti should be ready now and just in time."
I smile, glad today has been a better day for my mom. Cooking always gets her mind off things and she's been in that kitchen all day. She and Riley have been preparing the kind of feast I remember growing up on. They made baked ziti, eggplant parmesan, butternut squash risotto, and meatballs, always meatballs. She even made homemade cannoli. Among a ton of other side dishes and desserts she prepared.
I do a double take when I glance out the window and see Travis. At first glance, I think it's Remi coming out of his passenger side. But after a better look I see it's not her. It's Just another redhead who closely resembles Remi. At least she does in the hair department that is. It's as bright red as I've only seen on a few people and about the same length. Only Remi's soft curls are a bit tighter than Travis's girl's much straighter hair.
It's an odd coincidence, but it has to be just a coincidence right? Just like when I met Remi. I've never actually had a type but I'd never even dated a blonde woman so fair before, much less one as brightly red headed as Remi. Only just like I first thought, there aren't many red heads or even blondes in the mostly Italian populated area of the Bronx where we lived so I never knew I'd be so attracted to one.
I meet them at the door. "Hey Travis," I say as he lets her in before him. "You must be Elsa," I say taking in her delicate features—all the freckles—as she smiles timidly. "I'm Kris."