Striving for Normal (Striving Series)

by Mooney, B. L.

  We looked at the drenched state we both were in and started laughing. “You look like a drowned rat.”

  Dennis grabbed me and pulled me close. “You still look beautiful.” He started leading me down the hall, and I thought he was finally going to take me to his bedroom, but he turned right into his living room. At least he was still kissing me as he sat me on the sofa.

  I jumped up. “I’m all wet.”

  Dennis grabbed me and pulled me back down. “That’s what I was hoping for.”

  “Dennis!” I shoved him playfully. He didn’t talk dirty too often, and it surprised me when he did. He took my shirt off, and I didn’t protest. I should have, but I had been so frustrated, I needed a release. He started kissing my neck and then abruptly stopped, sitting up. “What’s wrong?”

  He pointed to my neck and cleared his throat. “You seem to have something right there.”

  “Oh.” My hand immediately covered the mark Carl had given me. I had hoped it would fade in time for my date with Dennis. I grabbed his arm when he started to get up. “It’s not what it looks like.”

  “Really?” He sat back down. “Then, please, tell me what it is because what I’m thinking sucks. Uh, no pun intended.”

  “You can’t tell me that you don’t have other prospects.” I got defensive and struggled to put my completely soaked shirt back on.

  “I can tell you I don’t want the other prospects. I’ve actually turned down a couple since I’ve started dating you.”

  “Well,” I finally got the shirt over my head, “I never told you that you had to turn anyone down.”

  “Are you saying you would be okay with me dating other people?” He sounded shocked.

  “I wouldn’t like it, but I have no claim on you.” I pointed at him. “And you have no claim on me.”

  “You’re right. I have no claim on you, and if I thought it wouldn’t scare the hell out of you, I would tell you that I would, in fact, very much like to.”

  I stood there looking at him, dripping on his carpet. He was right. It scared me a lot to think he wanted to claim me. I looked at the increasing puddle I was making on the floor and whispered, “I can’t be owned again.”

  Dennis stood an inch in front of me without touching me. “I’ve never said I wanted to own you. I just want us to only see each other.” He touched my neck. “I don’t want anyone else to touch you, and I don’t want to touch anyone else.”

  “I can’t make that promise yet. Please don’t ask me to.”

  Dennis stepped back and dropped his hand. “Is there something I’m not doing? Tell me if there’s something I need to fix.” I grabbed my purse and my keys. “Drew, please let’s talk about this.”

  I opened the front door to the rain outside and said without turning around, “You’re not who needs fixing.”

  Chapter 7

  I decided to stop seeing both of them for a while. It wasn’t fair to Dennis to back away completely, but it wasn’t fair to only give him half of me, either. Carl wasn’t someone I was supposed to be dating, but I thought about him more and more. They were two very different guys who caused me to feel very different things. I’d never been more confused in my entire life.

  Dennis was someone with whom I could see spending the rest of my life safely and quietly. Was that enough for me? Was that something I would be happy with long term? Or would I always be looking around the corner for that spark that could light me up?

  Carl had that spark. Just the sound of his voice could set me on fire. I could feel him in the room before I saw him, and that scared me. I didn’t want to get lost again, and I felt very sure that Carl would make me lose myself, but did I feel safe with him? He wasn’t entirely like Craig. He loved his daughter very much, even though he had no problem using her to get what he wanted.

  Dennis was great with kids, too. The way he took to Trevor and Sally was very endearing, and so was the way he held me when I cried on the stairs. He gave me space without demanding answers. I threw the Lego in the bin a little harder than necessary.

  “I did that once and ten more jumped out.” Peggy was standing in the doorway. She came up and pulled up a chair next to where I was on the floor. “Forgive me, but my old body won’t let me sit on the floor anymore. Well, I can get down; it’s the getting up that’s a little more difficult.”

  “I’m sorry I threw that. I’ve just got a lot on my mind. I wouldn’t have done it if kids were around.”

  “I know. What’s got you so frustrated? Maybe if we talked it out you would feel better.”

  “Honestly, between Joseph and Terri, I’m already talked out.” I got off the floor. “Thanks anyway.”

  “I’ve seen the way Carl looks at you.” She waited until I turned back around and looked at her. “At first I was thrilled he was picking Amy up more instead of his sister, but then I realized he was trying to pick you up instead of his daughter.”

  I sat down next to her. “I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it before, but I was hoping you hadn’t noticed.”

  “What about the other man you were dating? Dennis, I think.”

  “I’m not dating either of them. I’m not sure I can date Carl, and I can’t commit to Dennis yet.”

  She stood up. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Just don’t wait too long as I did. The one you want may not wait for you.”

  “But how do I know which one to choose?”

  “Only you can answer that.” She walked through the door and called over her shoulder. “Lock up when you leave.”

  I started to turn the lights out and worked my way to the front. Dennis was standing outside looking in, and he smiled when he saw me. I walked over and unlocked the door. “Dennis. What are you doing here?”

  “You’re a hard woman to get in touch with these days.” He handed me a rose. “I wasn’t sure what kind of flowers you liked so I went—”

  I kissed him. It almost crushed the rose, but I didn’t care. I only cared that he came back for me—that he didn’t give up. “I didn’t sleep with him.”

  His smile fell, and I wished I could have taken it back. “What?”

  I put my forehead to his and held him to me by the back of his neck. “I said that I didn’t sleep with him. That’s why you got so angry, isn’t it?” I backed up enough to look in his eyes. “I won’t deny letting him kiss me, but I’ve been no further with him than I have with you.”

  Dennis smiled again, but it still wasn’t quite the smile he had before. “You could have told me you went a little further with me.”

  I laughed and kissed him again. “Come on. Help me turn the lights off so we can get out of here.”

  ~*~

  Terri and I were in the kitchen while Mark and Dennis were playing with the kids. No one felt like cooking, so we ordered pizza. We were getting drinks for everyone. Terri kept smiling at me. “What?”

  “I’m just glad you two are back together.”

  “Terri, we were never together. We’re just dating.” I put the lid on Sally’s cup.

  She stopped pouring the wine and turned to me. “He is a great guy. What’s your hesitation with him?”

  I looked at her. “I was in a horrible relationship, and I don’t want to be tied down again.” I put the milk back in the refrigerator.

  “I don’t think Dennis is the kind of guy to tie you down.” She smiled and put her wrists together. “Unless you want him to.”

  I shoved her. “I don’t think he’s into that kind of play.”

  Terri stopped cold and looked at me. “Is that the problem? He’s not adventurous enough for you?”

  I looked away. I didn’t know how to answer that. It was hard for me to know when enough was enough and when it was just too much. Terri didn’t realize she had just hit on my exact fear with these two men. If I could’ve found someone with a mixture of both of them, I would’ve been happy and wouldn’t have ever looked at another man.

  Terri spun me around. “Oh my God. You’ve got to be
kidding me. You were in hell with Craig, and that’s what you want again?”

  “No! I don’t want hell, but I want strength.”

  “And he isn’t strong enough for you? God, Drew, do you even realize what you’re saying? You want someone to walk all over you like Carl. You want someone to manipulate you like Carl. He had to use his daughter to get you to his house. Twice!”

  “Please lower your voice. I don’t like the manipulation or the use of Amy. You know I don’t. It’s just . . . I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Well, you’d better figure it out soon, my friend, because I will not allow you to fuck with Dennis. I will tell him to run if I think you’re going to hurt him.”

  “That’s a shitty thing to say! I’m supposed to be your best friend, not him!”

  “And as your best friend, I’m telling you that you are headed down a dangerous path, and I will not allow you to take any casualties with you.” Terri left before I could respond.

  I thought I was being very careful. How could I be going down a dangerous path? I hadn’t even seen either one of them for a couple of weeks. Terri’s anger had me completely shocked. I had to go out there and act as if nothing was wrong. And I hoped Dennis didn’t hear any of it.

  It took a little while, but Terri and I eased back into the evening. I knew Mark and Dennis sensed something with the looks and shrugs they kept giving each other when they thought we weren’t looking. I was glad to have Dennis back in my life, but I was exhausted after Terri’s outburst, and I just wanted to go to bed. I walked Dennis out to his car and held on to him longer than I probably should have.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “Would you tie me up if I asked you to?”

  Dennis pulled back a little to look at me. “What? Do you want me to tie you up?”

  “No, no. Forget I said anything.” I kissed his cheek. “Drive safe and I’ll see you soon.”

  I tried to walk away, but he held on. “I’m not sure where that question came from, but I’d be willing to try almost anything once. I’d rather have your hands free to touch me, though. I prefer the connection instead of the control.”

  Dennis finally let me go when I promised him that everything was okay and that I would be fine. I knew it was a weird question to ask out of the blue. It probably wasn’t fair to shrug it off when he asked about it, but I was hoping to see a stronger side of him—a side that could take control. If he’d just shown me that he had it in him a little bit, it would’ve made all the difference.

  I was finally able to put this day behind me, and I had just gotten under the covers when there was a soft knock on my door. “It’s open.”

  Terri walked in and sat on the bed. It looked as if she had been crying. I sat up against the headboard and started to say something, but she held her hand up. She swallowed a couple of times as if she were still trying to control her emotions. She finally spoke. “I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to say. It’s just . . .” She had to pause and look away for a minute.

  “Terri.” I put my hand on her arm.

  She started talking again, but wouldn’t look at me. “I almost lost you to one monster. I can’t watch you be with another one, and I believe Carl is a monster just like Craig.” Terri looked at me. “He’ll strip you of who you’ve become to mold you into someone he wants you to be, just like Craig. He may not be violent, but the mind games are what Craig started with, and they fucked you up fast.”

  Terri left without allowing me to respond. I knew she was right. I knew Carl was dangerous for me, but when I thought of Amy . . . How bad could he be? I was exhausted, but I got no sleep that night.

  ~*~

  “Drew, Peggy’s asking for you at the front.”

  “Thanks, Diana.” I got up and could see that Carl’s sister was there, but was obviously very sick. “Peggy, you wanted to see me.”

  “Oh, yes. Tammy here is so sick, poor thing. I don’t think she should take Amy home. Since you’ve been to their house, would you mind taking Amy?”

  I blinked a couple of times. How was I supposed to say no, but how was I supposed to go to his house for a third time because of Amy? More importantly, how was I going to avoid being alone with him once I got there?

  “Drew?” Peggy was waiting for my response.

  “Um, sure.” Amy jumped up and down obviously pleased with my answer. I smiled.

  “Take a car seat we have in the back, and you can leave now.” Peggy turned to Tammy. “You go home and rest, dear. We’ll take care of Amy.”

  “Thank you so much.” Tammy didn’t hesitate to leave the second she was dismissed.

  Peggy turned back to me. “Now Tammy said that Carl has a late meeting, so if it runs too late, you sleep in tomorrow.” She patted my face. “It already looks as if you had a late night last night.”

  I shook my head at her honesty. No one else could’ve gotten away with that. I looked down at a beaming Amy and smiled again. “Well, it looks as if it’s just you and me tonight.”

  I knew Terri wasn’t going to be happy about this turn of events, so I called Mark instead. I really didn’t want to piss her off, but I couldn’t take another fight with her tonight. We were speaking, but it was strained.

  Amy was perfect, just as she usually was. She didn’t even complain about the flavorless meal I fixed her. There wasn’t much in the house. Had I known that, I would have stopped at the store first. She said it was still better than what Carl would’ve figured out. Sadly for Amy, I didn’t doubt that was true.

  Amy had her bath, her story and was tucked in bed before Carl came home. Unable to find a book outside of Amy’s reading level, I decided to lie down and relax on the sofa. Peggy was right. It had been a late night the night before. It was difficult to relax in a strange house, though. It felt a little odd to be taking care of Amy and waiting for him. I wasn’t sure if I liked the feeling or not. I kept thinking about Dennis and how it would be to have a child in bed upstairs, with me waiting downstairs for his arrival home. It made me smile.

  I felt lips against mine, and I pulled the body closer to mine. It was hot, hard, and heavy lying on top of me. I loved feeling the muscles beneath his crisp shirt. I could feel his warm breath as it moved down to my neck.

  “Drew, do you know how long I’ve wanted to come home to you on my sofa, waiting for me?”

  My eyes shot open. I tried to sit up and push Carl off me, but he was just too strong. “Carl, stop! I mean it.” I shoved once more. “Stop!”

  He finally sat up and heaved a frustrated sigh. “Why do you run hot and cold with me? You want it, and you should stop denying us both. Just give in.”

  “No.” I stood up and noticed he had unbuttoned a couple of buttons. I quickly corrected that. “I was asleep. You had no right to do any of what you did.”

  He stood up and grabbed my waist to pull me close. “You didn’t complain.”

  “I did when I woke up. I’ve got to go.” I grabbed my purse and fished out my keys. “Amy’s been fed, bathed, and put to bed.” I dropped my keys and kneeled down to pick them up. Carl stood right in front of me so I was eye level with the bulge in his pants. I swallowed.

  Carl leaned down and stroked my face. I closed my eyes.

  ~*~

  I tried to get up but he pushed me back down by my shoulders. “You want me to calm down?” He stood in front of me and unfastened his pants. “You pissed me off; you can calm me down.”

  Craig shoved himself in my face, and I batted it away. “Stop it.” I fought to stand up. “I’m just pregnant. It’s not the end of the world, Craig.”

  Craig put himself back in his pants and fastened them. “The bitch you are would probably just bite it off anyway. I’m not going to marry you.”

  “Who’s asking you to?”

  “And you better start looking for another place to live. I’m not going to have a screaming brat here. That’s not the kind of screaming I like to hear.”

  “Fine, I’ll stay with Terri unti
l I can get a place.” I walked to the bedroom to grab my clothes.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Craig was following me.

  “I’m leaving. No sense in waiting until I find a place. I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”

  Craig spun me around. “You won’t leave me.”

  “You’re kicking me out!”

  “Things just got a little heated. We’ve got time to discuss this.” He started stroking my face.

  “Discuss what?” As soon as I asked, it made sense what he was saying. “I’m not aborting this child. I’m keeping it. There’s nothing to discuss.”

  Craig shoved me on the bed. “How do I even know it’s mine? You’re a filthy slut. It could be anybody’s!”

  “I’ve only been with you, and before you say Tony, I stopped allowing you to bring him over three months ago. It can’t be his.” I started packing again.

  “Don’t.” Craig grabbed my hands. “We’ll work through this. We’ll figure it out. Just don’t leave me.”

  ~*~

  I blinked a couple of times, and Carl’s face was in front of mine. His face held a look of concern. It was a look I didn’t want to see. I stood up fast and got dizzy. He stood up and steadied me. “What keeps happening to you?”

  “Nothing. I’ve got to go.” I tried to walk away, but he kept his grip on my elbow. “Carl, I have to work tomorrow morning. Please let me go home so I can go to bed.”

  “I’ve got a bed here in the guestroom. I don’t think you should be driving tonight.”

  “No, I have to go.” I tried to pull free.

  “Don’t make me wake Amy to take you home.” He started pulling me to the stairs.

  “Don’t use her to get to me! You don’t own me and never will.” I broke free from his grip and stormed out of the house. When I backed out of the driveway, I saw him standing in the doorway, watching me leave.

  I cried all the way home. Fighting with my best friend, confusion about the two men in my life, and not knowing which path to take were all overwhelming to me, and I couldn’t take much more. I really wished I had Terri to talk to, but I knew she’d just tell me to stay away. She didn’t understand that it was easier said than done.