I rolled over on my side to face the opposite direction. “I just don’t feel well. I’m okay, go back to work.”
“Peggy called and said you sounded awful. What happened with Carl today?”
I tried to contain my emotion, but Terri was on the bed the second my shoulders shook. I let her rub my back while I cried, but I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself, either. After I pulled myself together, Terri stopped rubbing my back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to listen. Terri wouldn’t go away until she got it out of me. I didn’t roll back over, but I pointed behind me to my nightstand. Next to a glass of water was something I picked up at the drugstore on my way home. I just hadn’t decided what to do about it yet.
I felt Terri lean forward to pick it up. It took her a second, but she finally spoke. “Preven? The morning after pill?” I closed my eyes again as she finally got it. “You slept with him?” Terri stood up.
I rolled onto my stomach and hugged my pillow. I knew she was going to lash into me and I deserved it. I just didn’t know I if I could take it right now. First, I had given in to my desire and hated myself for sleeping with Carl. That left me to make the decision about whether I wanted to possibly be pregnant with another controlling man’s child or remove the possibility. The reality of what that pill would do was what kept me in bed.
“Drew. We discussed birth control, right?” She tugged on my shoulder until I nodded my head. “Really this is no different than birth control. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.” Terri pulled the covers back a little. “Come on. Sit up.”
I reluctantly sat up. “Terri, I don’t know if I can take it.”
She turned to me with the glass of water and pills in hand. “Do you want to have Carl’s baby?”
I shook my head. Terri handed me the pills and the glass of water. I put the pills up to my mouth and paused. Terri nodded her head for me to continue. I took the pills and drank most of the water. She took the glass back from me as I laid my head back against the headboard.
“I was so stupid, Terri.”
“I know you know that, so you’ll hear no lecture from me. I’m here if you want to talk about it, though.” She sat up against the headboard on the other side of me.
“I honestly just went there to talk. I thought I would be safe.”
“When you say safe . . .”
“It was consensual.” I heard her breathe a sigh of relief. “One minute we were arguing about the funding and I remembered my first time with Craig. The next minute we were on his desk.”
Terri looked at me. “You had a flashback?”
“Just a small one. Carl shook me awake and called me crazy. I slapped him, and one thing led to another after that.”
She nodded. “I completely understand. That’s how Sally was conceived.”
I finally looked at Terri. She didn’t shy away from talking about sex, but what she and Mark did was private. She didn’t usually make comments about the two of them. I knew they really enjoyed each other and often, but details were off limits.
Terri looked at me and smiled. “It was one of the best make-ups we ever had.” She leaned over and whispered as if someone might hear her. “And not just because of Sally.” She laughed at the look on my face and sat back up.
“I can’t believe you’re not mad at me. You’re just sitting here cracking jokes.”
“Oh, I’m not happy about it. It’s your life and your body. You’ve been fighting it for a while, but something tells me you’re done with him now.” She said it as a statement, but there was a hint of question in her voice.
“Yes, I’m done with him.”
“It wasn’t very good?”
“It was good in the moment. It was everything I feared it would be. But afterwards . . .” I shook my head.
“What did he do?”
I sat and thought for a second. “He actually wanted to talk about it.”
“Talk?” Terri’s face scrunched up. “That doesn’t sound like something he would do.”
“I know. I told him it was a chick move.” I looked at Terri. “He didn’t like that.”
“I bet. No guy like Carl wants to be called a chick.” We both laughed.
~*~
“Do you regret taking the pill?” Joseph hadn’t put his pen down much during our session.
“What I regret is the fact that I had to take it, but I don’t regret taking it.”
“So you regret having sex with Carl?”
I thought about it for a moment. Was regret what I was feeling? I’d gone through a lot of emotions since sleeping with Carl, but I didn’t think regret was the strongest one. “I’m not happy about it, but I would have felt better if we’d been more controlled.”
“You mean using protection?”
“That’s part of it. I don’t think I would have felt so sleazy if we had been in his house. It felt like an exhibitionist move as if I were with Craig again.” I looked out the window. “I also didn’t like how my body controlled me. I wish I’d been stronger and said no to him.”
“Do you think you would be able to say no if it happened again?”
“I think so, but I’m not sure. I know how I feel now and I don’t like it. I also know how I felt after Craig treated me like shit, and I still went back to him again anyway.”
Joseph lowered his notepad for the first time. “I believe what you had with Craig is entirely different than what you have with Carl. You had a relationship with Craig and couldn’t get out of it for your own reasons that we are still working through. With Carl, there is no relationship, just passion. You are a very passionate person and have had that closed off for a very long time.”
I looked at Joseph and narrowed my eyes. “Are you saying . . .”
“I’m saying that you are passionate, not easy. Passion doesn’t always mean sex. Look at how you’ve taken to the center. You’re passionate about helping children, and that drives you to ignore your pain about the child you lost and focus on these children.”
I relaxed a little. “Sorry, just checking on your meaning there.”
“It’s okay. What I’m trying to say is you have the center, Carl, and Dennis happening all at the same time. It would be overwhelming for anyone, but especially for someone trying so hard to keep their passion grounded.”
“I understand.”
“Have you told Dennis about Carl?” Joseph picked up his notepad again.
“I’m struggling with that. I feel that maybe I should, but he’ll be so angry, and really it’s none of his business.”
“Would you want him to tell you if he had slept with someone?”
“Definitely not.” I started shaking my head. “I don’t want to hear about that.”
~*~
I was looking over the budget and paying a few bills for the center. I hated all the paperwork, but I understood we needed to do it ourselves to keep costs low. I logged on and noticed the balance was quite a bit larger than it was a few days ago. I looked at the deposits and groaned. There must have been a mistake.
I went searching for Peggy and found her in the supply room. “I think we have a problem with our bank.”
“What’s wrong?”
“There’s a large deposit that I didn’t make in there. Do you have someone specific that you call or do you just call the branch to clear this up?”
“There’s no need to call anyone.” She went back to putting supplies away.
I was shocked she was willing to keep it in the account when it wasn’t ours. “We can’t keep someone else’s money. I would like to, but it’s just not right.”
“It’s not someone else’s money. Carl deposited it in there yesterday.” Peggy looked at me confused. “You didn’t talk to him about it when you went to see him? I don’t know how you managed it, but he doubled his contribution. I should have hired you years ago.”
I
leaned on the table and gripped the edges. I couldn’t believe he’d doubled it. I’d felt cheap before because I knew he always intended to give his donation and was just trying to manipulate me, but to double it truly made me feel like a whore.
“We can’t keep it.”
“Of course we can.” Peggy continued on completely oblivious to what had happened. “Do you know how much we can get for the center with that money? We can repair things and buy extra supplies for the rougher months without much money coming in and still have a little to put away for a rainy day.”
I stood up straight and walked out without a word.
Chapter 10
“Doubled?” Terri was lining up the cupcakes that Trevor was taking to school the next day.
I was drying the container we were going to use to transport them. “Yes. I’m appalled.”
“I think you should be flattered.”
I had stopped drying and just held the container with a dazed look on my face. “I can’t believe you just said that. I’m most definitely not flattered when someone makes me feel like a whore, good one or not.”
“You are the only one saying that.” She took the container and towel from me. “Stop doing that by the way. You’re not a whore.”
Mark came in at that exact moment. “Who says you are?”
“No one, forget it.” I turned back to Terri. “Do you think we should just go to the store and pick up some good cupcakes instead? These may scar Trevor forever if the other kids see them.”
It wasn’t our first time making cupcakes. We made them all the time, but for us, and we didn’t try to decorate them. Terri wanted something special since it was Trevor’s first time taking snacks to school. They were okay, but they looked homemade—too homemade.
Mark grabbed one of the extra ones off to the side and bit into it. He talked around a mouth full of cupcake. “They still taste good no matter how ugly they are.”
Terri picked up the can of frosting and started stirring what was left over. “Ugly you say?”
I started putting the cupcakes away as fast as I could. I knew what’s coming next, and I was really glad the kids were in bed. Terri was kind enough to wait until I snapped the lid on the cupcakes before she flung a spoonful of frosting at Mark. It hit him right under his left eye and started sliding down his cheek. I held my breath for his reaction.
Mark finished his last bite of cupcake before using his finger to wipe the frosting off his face. He turned to the sink and washed his hands. Terri looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. Before she turned back around to see what Mark was doing, he picked her up and put her over his shoulder and carried her out of the room.
He only took two steps out before coming back and grabbing the frosting. “Good night, Drew. Terri needs to learn better ways to play with frosting.” Mark walked back out with Terri laughing over his shoulder.
“Night, guys.” I shook my head and started to clean the kitchen. There was a knock on the door. I looked at my watch, and while it wasn’t exceptionally late, we usually didn’t get visitors this late in the evening.
I walked to the door, drying my hands from the dishes, and stopped when I saw that it was Carl. I knew that he saw me, and I didn’t want him waking the kids or disturbing what Mark and Terri were obviously doing. I reluctantly opened the door. “Carl, what do you want?”
“I’d settle for a callback or a text. You’ve been ignoring me and I don’t like it.” Carl tried to come in, but I stood in the doorway.
“You got what you wanted and celebrated your victory. You don’t need to rub my face in it.”
“Your face isn’t want I want to rub, even though it is very beautiful.” Carl tried to lean in to kiss me, and I slapped him with the towel. “I don’t get it. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I told you . . .” I walked out and shut the door behind me. I was starting to raise my voice. “I told you I’m not a whore and you doubled your contribution? How is that supposed to make me feel?”
Carl’s forehead crinkled and rose all at once. “What?”
“Like an expensive whore, but still a whore. Go home, Carl. There’s nothing more for you to buy here.” I started to go in, but he covered my hand on the doorknob.
“I was simply trying to help the center. When I called Peggy, she told me what all needed to be done. It has nothing to do with you or what we did together.” He pressed into my back and whispered. “What we shared in my office was worth far more than that paltry amount I gave the center. It was priceless.”
I hated it when he said things like that to me. Was he manipulating me again or did he really mean it? How could I tell what was true with him? If I didn’t turn to face him, he’d think I was afraid of him, which I was. If I did turn to face him, he’d press me up against the door, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to say no to him. Either way I’d lose again. I prayed I was stronger than him this time and faced him.
I looked at his car as I turned around. “Where’s Amy? I hope you didn’t leave her home by herself.”
“She’s with Tammy.” Carl touched my arm. “I wouldn’t leave anyone home alone.”
“I’m not alone.” I reached behind me and opened the door. “Good night, Carl.”
“I’m sorry for calling you crazy.” Carl’s apology stopped me from shutting the door in his face, and I looked up at him. “I know you have something going on, and I just want to help, if you’ll let me.”
“Wow. I didn’t think you . . .” I shook my head.
“Could be wrong?” Carl smiled.
“No, you’re wrong a lot. That I picked up on right away.” I tilted my head a little and smiled. “I just didn’t think you could admit it.”
Carl chuckled. “I guess I deserve that. I have been . . . creative in my ways to get you to come to me.”
“You’ve been manipulative. That’s far worse than creative, Carl.”
“You’re right. Let me be direct and less creative. May I take you out for dinner tomorrow night?” Carl leaned in the doorway, but didn’t try to come in any further.
“I have plans. I really need to finish up in here.” I pointed behind me. “I’m tired, and I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow.”
“I can help. I clean better than I cook.”
I laughed. “The way I hear it you can do almost anything better than cook.” I don’t know why, but I stepped back and let him in.
~*~
It was after midnight and Carl was still there. He helped me clean up, and then we talked over a glass of wine. That quickly turned into the whole bottle, so he needed to stay for a cup of coffee before heading back out on the road. I liked the Carl who I talked with that night.
He asked questions, trying to get the answers behind my flashbacks, but didn’t push when I said I didn’t want to talk about it. The only time he touched me was when our hands brushed each other while cleaning up or passing drinks. I could tell he wanted to, though. His eyes wandered when he thought I wasn’t looking.
Carl was finally ready to go, and I walked him to the door. Again, I thought he would make a move, but he didn’t. He thanked me for letting him apologize and leaned in to kiss my cheek before going to his car.
“I thought we hated him.” Terri didn’t sound too happy.
I closed my eyes for a moment before locking the door and turning to face Terri. “He came over to apologize.” I walked past her to start turning the lights off. “I thought you went to bed.”
“I did, but we didn’t get to finish our discussion about how he made you feel after you learned about the donation. So when I saw the light was still on, I thought I’d make sure you were okay.” Terri shrugged. “I guess you’re more okay than I thought.” She held up her hand when I started to talk. “I know. I know. Nothing happened.”
“No, something did happen. We talked, Terri. He’s not a bad guy.” I sat back on the sofa, thinking she wanted to talk. Apparently Terri didn’t want to talk. She shook her head and walked bac
k upstairs. It was time to find my own place.
~*~
I was getting ready to pull out of the parking lot after a long day at the center and stopped when my phone buzzed. I was going to Dennis’s house for dinner and was worried when I saw that the text was from him. I thought he was going to cancel on me. Instead I smiled because he told me that the door would be open and to find him in the kitchen.
I got a little antsy on the drive over thinking about all the possibilities that lay ahead for that night. I enjoyed our time together, but we still hadn’t allowed ourselves to get too much out of control. I needed a little less control tonight. Everyone was fussy at the center—not just the babies.
The street was a little busier than normal when I pulled into the driveway. It reminded me of the parties I’d attended with Craig. Cars would be lined up all down the street, and if you didn’t get there early enough, sometimes you had to walk a couple of blocks. I shook my head before getting out of the car. I chanted to myself all the way up to the door. “I will not think of Craig. I will not think of Craig. I will not think of Craig.”
The door was open as he said it would be. I was slipping my shoes off when he came around the corner. His smile was big and contagious as he saw me. I had to smile back. “Hi.”
Dennis came up and hugged me. “I was hoping that was you.”
“Who else would it be, silly?” I kissed him harder than I usually did and hoped he got the message about what I wanted to happen tonight.
I heard someone clear her throat and I stilled. Dennis put his forehead to mine and spoke softly. “Please don’t freak out.” He backed up and turned me around to the door.
My heart sank as I saw a beautiful young woman standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and eyebrows raised. I was instantly jealous of her. Her golden blond hair was perfectly curled, and her makeup was applied as if she didn’t have any on. She looked flawless. I looked down at the rest of her perfectly trim body and suddenly felt insecure. Her shirt hugged the curves I’d never have, and her skirt showed off her beautifully sculpted calves. The high heels she wore seemed to be more of an extension of her body rather than something she fumbled with as I often did. She looked like a model. I mentally checked what I had done to myself that morning and cursed my casual appearance. “Drew, I would like you to meet my sister, Rachael.”
Striving for Normal (Striving Series) Page 11