Striving for Normal (Striving Series)

by Mooney, B. L.

  I opened the beer and took a long drink. “I’d rather just go to bed. I don’t feel like talking anymore.”

  “Well, maybe I have a few things to talk about.” Terri guided me to the living room and shooed Mark up to bed. I could tell he wanted to stay downstairs, but Terri said we needed girl talk.

  Terri sat a little too close to me on the sofa, and I gave her a funny look. “If you want to make out more, I’ll get Mark back down here.”

  “Drew, what happened?” I couldn’t take the look of concern in Terri’s eyes and looked away.

  “I thought you said you had things you needed to talk about. I told you I didn’t want to talk.” I took another drink.

  “Drew.” Terri was talking so softly that I had to look at her. “I need you to talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

  I shrugged and looked at the bottle in my hand. “I’m just tired. I want to go to bed.”

  Terri took the bottle from me and set it down. She grasped my hands tightly, and I thought she was preparing me for bad news. I started to get scared. “Why did you come here, Drew?”

  “I just wanted to sleep. I’m sorry I interrupted your make-out session. Maybe we should come up with—” I stopped when Terri shook her head. “What?”

  “Oh, I wish you would just tell me what’s wrong.” Terri looked at me again. “I will sit on you if I need to until you tell me what’s wrong, but, Drew,” she hesitated, “you don’t live here anymore. Don’t you remember you moved out?”

  I looked around as if it was supposed to help me understand what she was saying. It actually did. I’d moved out. I didn’t belong there anymore. I had my own place—alone. I started to stand and Terri scrambled to my lap. I rolled my eyes. “It’s been a tough night, Terri. Let me go.”

  “I can tell that. It’s not every day you forget you moved out. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

  I was silent for so long the entire night could have replayed in my head. The only thing I could hear was the doubt that Dennis had in me. He thought I cheated on Craig and believed his sister that I would do it again to him. He told his whole family what happened with Carl. No wonder his mom kept close whenever Carl was there. Terri slid off my lap either worried and about to get reinforcements or convinced I no longer wanted to leave.

  “Talk to me. Do we need to call Joseph?”

  I shook my head and discussed the entire night’s events with my best friend. I might not have known what I was doing when I drove there, but I was glad there was a little voice inside that told me where I needed to be. Terri talked me into staying the night, but I refused to go back to my old room. What sleep I managed to get was on the sofa.

  Chapter 16

  It was strained with Gloria at the center. I knew she wanted to talk to me about what had happened, but I told her that that subject was off limits if she wanted to continue to volunteer. I shouldn’t have used my position and threatened her like that, but I simply couldn’t take the embarrassment. I wondered what else Dennis told his family about me. I was thankful that I didn’t follow Joseph’s advice and bring him to my sessions. He would have learned too much.

  I was in the Pre-K room today. We should have been doing something a little more active to keep their attention, but I couldn’t handle more than coloring at the moment. Julio had just finished his picture, and I handed him another piece of paper. I got up to tape his latest masterpiece to the wall and caught a glimpse of Rachael hugging Gloria.

  I rolled my eyes when I saw them both look my way. I had just finished taping Julio’s picture up when I heard Gloria. “Drew, why don’t you take a break, and I’ll take over.” To force my hand, she offered the kids a game and they quickly wanted me out, too.

  I turned and saw Rachael frowning in the doorway at me—one of those frowns that were supposed to let me know that she understood how sad I was but that everything would be okay. I reluctantly took Rachael to my office since I was positive that I wouldn’t want anyone listening to this conversation.

  Before I could say anything, Rachael jumped in and got right to the point. “I know you don’t want me here, and I know you really don’t want to hear what I have to say, but you guys are perfect for each other, and I have to talk to you.”

  I shut the door and turned to her. “There’s nothing to say.” I sat behind my desk and checked my email.

  “Look, Drew. I don’t agree with my sister on this. I’m not sure what I can do to convince you of that, but I want to help get you and Dennis back together if you’ll let me. You guys are so cute together.” She sat on the edge of the chair in front of my desk and stared at me until I gave up ignoring her.

  I stopped looking at the computer and put my elbows on the desk. “What if I don’t want to get back with him?”

  She looked a little taken aback by that comment, but didn’t falter for long. “Is that what you really want? I think you’re scared as hell, and you’re letting that bitch I have to call sister intimidate the fuck out of you.”

  Now I was the one surprised by her outburst. “I’m not intimidated by Deb.”

  “Really? I seem to remember hearing a story that you told her to get the fuck out of your life the last time she came at you with this crap.”

  “I’m just tired of it.”

  “So you let her win? Come on, Drew.” Rachael scooted the chair a little closer to the desk and spoke softly. “Mom thinks you’ll be a great mother.” She smiled when I looked up at her. “She sees you with these kids all the time. There’s no doubt for her, and that’s saying something if you’ve convinced Mom. I’m not even sure she thinks I would make a good mother.”

  I could tell she was trying to lighten the mood, but I found nothing humorous about any of it. “I appreciate that, but . . .”

  “But what, Drew? Help me out here. What else is bothering you?”

  “Dennis . . .” I took a deep breath. “Deb said he told her I cheated on him.”

  “Yeah, well men can be a little dramatic when their egos are crushed. No one reasonable thinks you cheated on him.” She placed her forehead on the desk and groaned. “I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t say anything to anyone.”

  I was a little hesitant, but I wanted to know what she had to say. “Okay.”

  Rachael sat up and looked at me. “Do you remember what I do?”

  “You’re a photographer.”

  “Right.” She smiled and seemed happy that I remembered. “Anyway, when I was first hired, I immediately went to different cities for photo shoots. I thought they would have had me following someone around at first, but right out of the gate I was on my own.”

  “What does this have to do with—”

  “Just listen. I was drunk with freedom.” Rachael looked at the door and then leaned in to whisper. “My parents were great, but really strict. I kind of went crazy when I got out of the house.”

  “I think a lot of people do.” I still didn’t know where she was going with her story.

  “Well, don’t say anything to anyone, but I had a different guy in each city. I thought, you know, I’m single.” She shrugged. “What’s the harm, right? We weren’t attached to each other. They could date other girls when I wasn’t in town.”

  “I still don’t understand.”

  “I’m just saying I don’t think you cheated on my brother because you were dating two guys at once. You’re not married, and you weren’t in a committed relationship. I wasn’t committed to any of the guys I was dating, either, but as soon as any of them learned there was another guy, they would dump me. Even if they didn’t want to be committed to me, they couldn’t share me. My brother doesn’t want to share you.”

  “He knows he doesn’t have to. He knows that the one time I was with the other guy it just happened.”

  “What does that even mean? You tripped and fell on him, and he just happened to have his erection sticking out of his pants.” She rolled her eyes. “It never just happens, Drew. You wanted it to happen or it wouldn’t
have, and that’s what Dennis has a difficult time with. How does he know you don’t want it to,” she made air quotes with her fingers, “just happen again?”

  I hadn’t thought of it like that. Dennis was insecure, and I hadn’t really proven to him that I was committed to this relationship. I was still talking to Carl, still seeing him almost daily since he stopped having his sister pick up Amy. I needed to make some sort of gesture that would let Dennis know that I was with him and only him.

  Rachael was relentless and continued her quest to get Dennis and me back together. “I get that I’m not around much, so I only hear bits and pieces of information when I check in, but from what I’ve heard, Drew, it never sounded as if you wanted to be with that other man.”

  “It’s difficult to explain.”

  “Try.” Rachael sat there looking at me while I tried to figure out how to put into words what I’d failed to explain to myself. After a few moments, she sighed and closed her eyes. “Drew,” she opened her eyes, “can you live without Carl?”

  I answered without hesitation. “Yes.”

  “Can you live without Dennis?”

  My eyes started to burn, and I looked at the desk. “I don’t want to.”

  “Then why are you allowing this man to have such a hold on you? Is he a great listener? Does he support you in ways my brother doesn’t? Is he better in bed,” she pretended to gag, “than my brother? You don’t have to answer the last one.”

  That got me to smile a little. I finally looked at her again. “No . . . to all of your questions.”

  “Okay gross.” Rachael smiled. “Then why do you keep Carl around?”

  I shrugged. “It’s hard to explain.”

  Rachael’s voice took a soft tone. “May I try?” I nodded. “Carl takes you back to what you know. To me, he sounds controlling and selfish, but to you, he sounds protective and powerful. He isn’t working towards your best interests, Drew. The second he thinks you’ve lost whatever it is he’s looking for, he will drop you. And if he doesn’t, is that a life you really want to have? Always pleasing him to keep him happy? What about your happiness? Don’t you deserve to be happy?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, you’d better figure it out before it’s too late and you lose your chance at happiness with Dennis.” Rachael stood up. “I saw you two together. I wish I looked at someone the way you and Dennis looked at each other, and that was even before the great sex.” She winked before she turned towards the door.

  “What if he doesn’t want me back? He hasn’t even tried to contact me.”

  “Oh, he wants you.” Rachael stopped at the door and turned to me. “You caved the last time, so I think he thinks you’ll do it again. Don’t let him off the hook. He needs to apologize to you for listening to Deb anyway. And about Deb, I think she was born with that stick up her ass, and she doesn’t know how to live without it. She went straight from our parents to her husband and has never had a carefree moment in her life. It would probably kill her if she ever did.” She smiled and walked out.

  ~*~

  I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about what Rachael had said. It all made sense when someone from the outside pointed it out, but was it something we could get through? Would Dennis ever trust me enough to let go of the one time with Carl, or would he always doubt me when I was talking to another man? It wasn’t an easy question to answer. It was going to take time and patience from both of us, but I wanted to find out.

  I knew what I needed to do for our relationship to stand a better chance. I needed to stop talking to Carl. He wasn’t someone I wanted to associate with anyway. He was nice when he thought he had you where he wanted you, but he wasn’t a good man when things didn’t go his way. Rachael was completely right about him, and I didn’t know why I continued to let him bully me into caring about him.

  Rachael asked if I could live without him, and I knew instantly that I could. I could think more clearly when I wasn’t around Carl. What was it about him that made me forget who I was or what I wanted? I was frustrated with myself that I allowed him to intimidate me. He was a strong man with a big presence, but he wasn’t who I wanted.

  I wanted Dennis. When I thought about the times I’d spent with Dennis, I relaxed and smiled. He put me in a better mood and made me a better person. I owed it to Dennis and myself to put Carl behind me and put his intimidation to rest. I started looking forward to that evening. I couldn’t wait to see if I really could put Carl in his place.

  I looked for him every time the door opened. When it was finally him, I walked right up to him and didn’t try to hide this time. At first, his smile seemed genuine. It seemed friendly. What I needed to remind myself was that this was not the smile of one friend seeing another. It was his way of gloating, thinking he’d won something.

  “Good afternoon, Drew.” He bent down to kiss my cheek and I backed away. “Is something the matter?”

  “Nothing that needs your attention, Mr. Williamson.” I saw the look of surprise cross his face, but I didn’t allow Carl any time to adjust to my formal greeting. “My involvement with you will be strictly professional from now on. I am the director of the daycare center your daughter attends and that is all.”

  His poker face was back. “What brought this on?”

  “You have. You are manipulative, cruel, and selfish. That is not someone I consider a friend. If you forbid your daughter to speak to me again, then you should just take her out now because I will not allow you to dictate whom I interact with or in what capacity.”

  “Let’s go discuss what has you so upset. There’s no reason to make hasty decisions.” Carl reached out to touch me.

  “If you lay another finger on me, I will file charges. I have asked you to stop, and now I’m telling you to.”

  Carl lowered his hand, but stepped closer. “I haven’t heard you say you love him yet. I don’t see a ring.”

  “Dennis isn’t the reason I’m stopping this friendship. Whether or not I love him is of no consequence, and this is over.” I started to walk away.

  “Are you saying you do love him?”

  I turned back around and looked at him. “What I’m saying is I would like the chance to find out without everyone trying to interfere. I don’t need your manipulating games in my life, and I don’t need you or anyone else trying to tell me how I feel.”

  “Drew.”

  “Miss Clayborn, Mr. Williamson.”

  “I’ll give you time to cool off—”

  “I’m quite cold where you’re concerned already.” The more he spoke, the angrier I got. I walked away and didn’t return any comment to what he was trying to say to me. I walked straight to my office and shut the door.

  I turned to the sound of the door opening. Carl stood there looking pissed at first. He surprised me by clapping. “That was an excellent speech, Miss Clayborn. I’m sure Gloria will tell Dennis all about it.”

  I crossed my arms and sighed. “It wasn’t a speech.”

  “Sure it was. It was brilliant. I understand you couldn’t let me know about it up front.” He started walking towards me. “You needed my honest reaction to pull it off. Granted I would rather have you outright than have an affair, but I’ll take what I can get for now.”

  “What is it going to take to get you to stop? I really don’t want Amy to stop coming here, but I will ask you to enroll her somewhere else if you continue this.” I backed up the closer he came to me.

  Carl chuckled when I bumped into the desk. “You like this position, huh?”

  “I believe the lady asked you to stop.” Gloria stood in the doorway. She made sure she had Carl’s full attention before continuing. “You should act like the man you claim to be and leave her alone. From my understanding, she has told you several times she wants nothing more than friendship from you, but apparently you’re a little slow in getting the message.”

  “With all due respect, you don’t know everything, Gloria.” Carl turned back to me, almost pl
eading for me to say something. I didn’t say anything. I just walked to the chair behind my desk to add more space between us.

  “I know more than you think I do.” When Carl turned to say something to her, she cut him off. “I know you are affected more by her than she is by you and that drives you crazy.” She gave me a small smile when she saw the confusion on my face.

  “I think she was pretty affected by me.” Carl was starting to lose his control and spoke through clenched teeth. “As I said, you don’t know everything.”

  “I know it takes more than sex to make a relationship, and it doesn’t include manipulation and deceit. Really, Carl, the way you treat women is why vibrators were invented. Silicone and batteries can affect any woman far better than you can, and they don’t need to lie to us to get us in bed.”

  Carl’s face was red with fury or embarrassment, maybe both. I needed to end this. “Carl, you need to go. Get Amy and go home.”

  “You need a real—”

  I shook my head. “Stop. You’re just going to make a bigger fool of yourself.”

  Carl’s face was hard as stone as he glared at me. Without another word, he turned and stormed past Gloria. I started for them when I thought he was going to push her, but he just glared as he walked by. I sat down with a dramatic sigh. Carl was exhausting, and I was relieved to finally be rid of him—at least for the moment.

  I thought about what Gloria said at the beginning of her rant to Carl. My expression must have betrayed my thoughts. She came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “It wasn’t a line. He is more affected by you.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “You got under his skin, but you let him into your head.” She tapped my head before walking to the door. “Always let the man you love into your heart, but never let any man into your head.” She winked as she walked out.

  I sat there for a few minutes thinking about what she said. Maybe I should stop paying Joseph and start talking to Rachael and Gloria. I looked out the window and saw Carl loading Amy in the car in the parking lot. Amy was talking a mile a minute. I could tell Carl was having trouble concentrating. I did wish Amy the best, but I sensed that she had a difficult life ahead of her with Carl.