Fresh Meet

by Miller, Jasmin

  Normally we say goodbye at this point before Patricia, Tanner, and I make our way back home and Jace goes to his hotel room.

  “There he is.”

  The man walking toward us has nothing in common with the man I FaceTimed an hour with last night, where Jace told me how much he missed me, how much he can’t wait to fall asleep with me in his arms again.

  And he couldn’t be more opposite the man who’s joined us after his gold-medal wins. I’ve gotten so used to his bright eyes and his boyish grin after his victories, that this is . . . heartbreaking.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” Patricia has snapped back into her cheery-mom mode, welcoming her son with open arms and squeezing him tightly when he walks into her embrace. “You did so well. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Jace steps back, placing his duffel bag on the floor so he can take a squirming Tanner from me. “Hey, buddy.”

  “Hi.” Tanner throws his arms around Jace’s neck and holds on tight.

  Jace’s arms wrap around his son’s small body and he closes his eyes. When those beautiful eyes open again, they land on me. He looks at me but doesn’t say anything, his face half-buried in Tanner’s neck.

  There’s a sudden tension between us. His stare is vacant, his expression slack. Even his posture looks saggier than usual.

  Is that regret in his eyes? Blame?

  He’s not blaming me for his loss, is he?

  I’m trying to make sense of this, trying to calm down this overwhelming sensation inside of me, but without a lot of success.

  I’m freaking out, but I don’t want to show it. That probably wouldn’t do me any good right now.

  Instead, I swallow my feelings—something I’m used to—and force the corners of my mouth to lift. At least, a little bit. “You were amazing.”

  “Thanks.” We both know he doesn’t really mean it, but what else is there to say? Or I guess, it’s less of him not meaning it, but more of him not believing I meant my statement. Even though I don’t think it matters in the end.

  I’m feeling more uncomfortable and out of place with each passing second, itching to get going. Back to our normal life, hoping our regular routine will help.

  Gosh, what if it doesn’t?

  “We should probably get out of here before we hit traffic.” Patricia gives me a meaningful look, her eyes wide as she nods toward the parking lot. Looks like she wants to get out of here as badly as I do.

  “Sounds good. I still have a few things to do too, so I’ll see you later.” Jace gives Tanner a squeeze and kiss before handing him back to me.

  Patricia grabs his arm. “Call if you need anything, okay?”

  “Will do, thanks.” His gaze flickers to mine. “I’ll call you, okay?”

  I nod, the words stuck in my throat.

  “Have a safe drive home.” One more wave at Tanner, and then he turns around and walks away.

  After a moment of staring after him, Patricia touches my arm. “Come on, Millie. Let’s get out of here.”

  “Okay.” I trail after her in a daze, going through the motions when we get to her small SUV, buckling in Tanner before going to the passenger side and getting in my seat.

  The first few minutes of our drive are quiet, and I wonder if Patricia is giving me time to absorb what happened. Unfortunately, we hit traffic pretty quickly, which seems to be the end of quiet time.

  At least, we’re lucky and Tanner passed out and can’t throw a fit because of the stagnant traffic. That child hates sitting in an unmoving car, absolutely hates it. I think I still have a bump at the back of my head to prove it from when he threw one of his toys at me. All because the light at an intersection was broken and we had to wait for several minutes to cross it. No chill.

  “He’ll come around, I promise. Jace is like his dad. They are terribly sore losers, especially when it's something they usually excel at. Their pride takes their sweet time to get over it, but then it’ll all be good again.” She grabs a Starburst from the middle console and hands me a pink one, knowing they’re my favorite.

  “Thank you.” I take the candy and quickly unwrap it, eager to let the familiar strawberry taste soothe my confused feelings.

  Maybe I just imagined the distance between Jace and me? He just lost a race that was very important to him, a race I’m sure he thinks he shouldn’t have lost. I mean, everyone would be a bit down after something like that. Right?

  “If we have to, we’ll just keep going like we have this week when he was gone, okay? You watch Tanner the normal time, and then I’ll take over for the night.” Patricia plays with another Starburst wrapper while slowly guiding us through the evening traffic.

  My head snaps over to hers when I finally understand her implication. “You don’t think he’s coming home tonight?”

  She shrugs and blows her lips, a motion that Tanner normally finds hilarious. “He might, but there’s a chance he’s going to hide and lick his wounds for a few days. Normally he’d do it at home, but since he doesn’t live alone anymore, that’s not possible.”

  I don’t know what to say, and my thoughts immediately bounce all over the place. Wanting to be mad at Jace for possibly abandoning his son because of a bruised ego. Feeling sympathetic because he lost something that was important to him.

  And also upset at the thought that he’d stay away and not see me after we’ve barely seen each other all week.

  We’re at my house quicker than I thought, and despite how much I adore Patricia and her company, I can’t help the need to flee. After a quick goodbye, and one more look at a still-sleeping Tanner, I rush into the house, heading straight for the comfort of my bedroom.

  Suddenly, I have this incessant urge to be alone and analyze this week. This whole month.

  If tonight showed me anything, it’s that I’m in deep with Jace.

  Because there’s no denying the fact that he doesn’t want me around when he’s hurting, which feels like a stab straight to my heart. Whereas, I turned to him immediately after things happened with my mom.

  If this thing between us meant something to him, wouldn’t he let me in and help him get through this too?

  I want to be there for him, I want to help him in whatever way I can.

  But none of this matters if he shuts me out.

  And I’m not sure what that means for us.

  Twenty-Six

  Jace

  Emilia: I’m here if you need me.

  Emilia: I’m getting worried. Are you okay?

  Emilia: I miss you.

  Countless calls and voice messages from Em and a few from my mom I still haven’t listened to. Then nothing for a couple of days. I looked at these messages a million times in the first few days, but I’m not ready to talk to any of them yet. My mom has the hotel room number if she really has to reach me.

  I don’t want to hear the pity in their voices, knowing how much I disappointed them. I’d rather wallow some more. Watching the race another hundred times because my mind is unable to let go of it.

  Even though I already dissected it with Coach. And with Hunter. I know what mistake I made, and I still can’t get past it.

  The door opens and Noah strolls in with takeout bags in one hand and a drink holder with two large foam cups from the smoothie place in the other.

  He stops a few feet in front of the bed and looks at me. “I’ll feed you if you get ready. It’s time, man. No one likes to lose, but it’s not the end of the world either.”

  Noah has always been the quietest out of the four of us, but a great friend. His support is often silent, showing in his actions rather than his words. And now he’s here, bringing me food, and giving me advice.

  Have I been that bad?

  I rub my tired face and take one more look at my phone before I put it aside. I stop and sit ramrod straight when my brain finally processes the words on the screen.

  Emilia: Remember Tanner’s preschool meeting. I forwarded all the details to your email last week.

  His pr
eschool meeting? When is his preschool meeting?

  My heart skips a beat as I search through my foggy brain, remembering how Em and I talked about it a few weeks ago. I’m about to switch to my emails when I see the next message.

  Emilia: We’re getting ready to leave now. See you soon.

  My heartbeat quickly increases as I look at the time stamp before my eyes flicker to the clock. Fuck. She sent it an hour ago.

  “No.”

  The realization of what’s happening hits me. I’m about to miss my son’s meeting with his preschool teacher.

  Under other circumstances, this might not be a big deal, but this is one of Tanner’s firsts since he’s been with me, and I wanted to be there for all his firsts after already having missed so many.

  And now this.

  I’ve been so wrapped up since my lost race that hiding in my hotel room from the rest of the world seemed like the best thing to do.

  “Shit.”

  “What is it?” Noah puts down the food and drinks on the nightstand and pulls over one of the chairs.

  “I fucked up.” My eyes burn, and I rub my hands roughly over my face. I don’t even have any anger left in me. I’ve drained myself of all energy this week.

  Noah keeps staring at me, so I inhale deeply and try to sort my thoughts. “Today’s Tanner’s first meeting with his preschool teacher. I didn’t see Em’s reminder texts until now.”

  His eyebrows rise.

  I shake my head. “I’ve been avoiding her messages.”

  He doesn’t look surprised. “I figured.”

  Crap. Am I that predictable?

  “Normally I do what I want to do.”

  Noah leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “But it’s not just about you anymore. There’s someone at home waiting for you, counting on you.”

  My body locks down, immobilizing every piece of my being.

  I’m such an asshole.

  And now I missed Tanner’s meeting with his teacher.

  Damn it.

  “Dude.” Noah slaps me on the shoulder. “Go. I’ll check you out.”

  I jump out of bed and get ready in record speed, tripping over my feet as I grab my bag and stop in front of Noah, who’s now settled into the plush chair by the window to eat his food.

  “Thanks, Noah. I owe you.”

  “Don’t mention it.” He holds out one of the drinks and the bag. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  The drive is a blur, and when I reach my street, Em pulls into the driveway right in front of me. I’m afraid I might rip the door off its hinges when I get out as fast as I can, but I don’t care.

  Em’s halfway leaning into the car to unbuckle Tanner. I can’t see more than his hand, but this sudden need to hold my son crashes into me like a powerful wave, making my steps falter for a moment.

  How could I have been so stupid to just hole up like the rest of the world doesn’t exist? Like the people in my life don’t exist? My mom might be used to this from previous situations—not that she’s ever deserved this treatment either—but I have a child now, for fuck’s sake.

  And then there’s Em.

  Guilt paralyzes my insides as l watch her heave Tanner out of the car and put him on the ground.

  When he spots me, his whole face lights up. “Dad-dy.”

  Oh fuck, he actually said it.

  He runs toward me as fast as he can, his feet tapping across the cement. His mouth is stretched into a big smile that makes my gut clench.

  I don’t deserve this guy.

  I catch him effortlessly and hold him close to my chest. “Hey, buddy.”

  He pulls back and grins at me. Then he leans in once more, squishing his face in my neck as his little fingers dig into my shoulders.

  My grip tightens, and I hold on for dear life.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  The backs of my eyes burn, and I take several swallows as he leans back and squeezes my cheeks.

  “Did you have a great time at school?” My voice is raspy, my sole focus on Tanner’s cute face. With his chubby cheeks and his wavy brown hair. His blue eyes the same as mine.

  And then she comes into view.

  Em.

  Gosh, she’s fucking beautiful. She’s wearing her Millie-attire—big-ass yellow tutu, yellow bow—and for once, it doesn’t throw me off. Because I know she wore it for Tanner and his preschool visit. Probably so he felt more at ease, because that’s the kind of person she is.

  Thinking of others first.

  The opposite of me.

  Her hair catches my attention, the sun highlighting her red strands, almost making it look aflame.

  Gorgeous as always.

  What’s missing though is the easy smile I’m used to seeing.

  I really fucked up.

  “Hey.” I want to reach out and touch her, but something in her gaze makes me hesitate.

  “Hi.” Her eyes roam my whole face like she’s taking inventory, and I do the same.

  Her mesmerizing eyes, her cute nose, those dang freckles, and those delicious lips.

  How’s that possible that I didn’t realize how much I missed her?

  I feel like an absolute moron, frustration over my actions sinking into my bones like a dead weight, impossible to shake off.

  “Let’s get him inside and to bed. He almost fell asleep in the car, and you know how wired he gets when he’s overtired.” Em gets her bag and Tanner’s water bottle out of the car, and we head inside.

  The door shuts behind us, and I don’t give her a chance to say anything. “I’ll put him down.”

  She’s in the middle of taking off her shoes and stops to look at me. “Okay.”

  I kick off my shoes and walk to Tanner’s room with him after a quick stop at the bathroom. I go through the motions of getting him ready, putting him in his pull-up before getting him in his sleepsack.

  He knows the drill and pushes his arms through the armholes before I zip it up.

  “Daddy.” He smiles at me, and I want to sink to my knees and beg him for his forgiveness, even though he doesn’t know what I did.

  Somehow, that makes it even worse, and I have the inexplicable need to rub my chest.

  I pick him up and hold him close. Needing that connection with him. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there today, buddy. I promise, I’ll do everything I can to never let anything like that happen again.”

  He snuggles closer into my neck, his fingers creating small pressure points on my back.

  I close my eyes and sway.

  When I learned about Tanner’s existence two months ago, I never would have thought I could enjoy this. And this week I surely acted like it didn’t mean anything, which I regret. Deeply.

  That was the old Jace, pre-Tanner Jace, and I left that man behind at the hotel earlier. For good.

  Tanner’s hand moves on my back, and I take that as my cue to sing. Right now, he’s obsessed with Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Today’s version is more of a whisper-singing, but Tanner doesn’t seem to mind. I follow that up with a hummed version of Brahms Lullaby, and right on cue after the last note, Tanner leans back in my arms, clearly ready to go to sleep.

  Such a smart boy.

  Even though I don’t want to let go, I kiss him good night and put him in his crib, where he immediately flips onto his stomach. He pushes his booty up in the air before I even make it to the door.

  I almost bump into Em when I try to sneak out and mouth, “Sorry.”

  I take in the long dress she’s changed into. It gently hugs her curves, and everything I feel for this woman comes back with a vengeance.

  After closing Tanner’s door quietly, I wordlessly grab her hand and pull her into the living room.

  My thoughts are jumbled while I’m still trying to figure out this mess. All I want to do is sit down and hold her, but I know that’s not enough. The least I can do is try to explain myself. Apologize. Tell her what was going on.

  I’ve got to do something.

&nb
sp; My muscles feel weak, my mouth dry as she gets comfortable next to me, leaving a few inches between us.

  I hate it, but can I really blame her?

  But I focus on the fact that she hasn’t pulled her hand from mine. That’s a good sign, right? “I know I have to explain some things to you, but first, tell me how things went with Tanner today. Please. If you don’t mind.”

  The tension leaves her face and her mouth relaxes. “He did really well. The teacher was friendly and made him feel at ease. I wasn’t sure how nervous he was going to be, which is why I changed into my Millie costume, which was probably silly but . . .” She shrugs.

  Just like I thought. “Thank you.”

  “Of course. She was impressed with his signing, which will make communicating with her and the other teachers a lot easier. The classroom is wonderful, and Tanner loved it. He ran from one toy to the next with a huge smile on his face. I think he’s going to have a blast.”

  The sense of loss courses through me. I absolutely loathe that I missed this experience with him.

  I close my eyes for a moment and exhale loudly. “I suck at this parenting thing. I’m barely ever home and screw things up constantly. I don’t want this for him. I want to be the best damn parent he could possibly have.”

  Em is quiet, like she knows I need to get this off my chest.

  This feeling inside me is horrible, this gnawing sensation of failure scratching at my organs, leaving me raw and exposed. But as I don’t have any words to describe this turmoil, it’s leaving me empty throughout.

  Em’s need to comfort seems to kick in and she squeezes my hand. Sickeningly enough, I’m happy about it, needing and wanting it right now. “I hate to say it, but I think that’s what parenting is all about. It’s definitely not easy. At times you think you’ll never do it right, but you keep trying to do right by them.”

  Now I’m the quiet one, staring at our hands.