My hand flies to my mouth before holding on to the back of the bench for support.
Moore Media has worked with some of the most successful shows in the children's entertainment industry and is a big sponsor of Kinder Street. I’ve heard of the elderly man being very involved in everything, so it makes sense he’d be at the audition.
“Miss Davis? Are you still there?”
I nod, even though I know he can’t see me. “Yes, yes. I am. Sorry.”
He chuckles. “Okay, perfect. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with the audition, but I heard about your last-minute family emergency situation.”
Ah yes, that little white lie.
Well, technically Tanner is like my baby, and I couldn’t leave him alone, so it’s rather a lie of omission in my books, but I try and not think about that too much.
Nothing I’m proud of but my hands were tied, and I panicked. “I’m so sorry. I feel terrible about that.”
“I think most of us have had situations like that before.” He sounds reassuring, so I want to believe he means it and isn’t just saying it to make me feel better. Not that it really matters in the end.
I wait for him to say more, wondering what reason he could possibly have to call me. My fingers dig into the wood of the bench, and I can only hope I’m not catching a splinter. That would be my luck.
Nicole gives me room to roam, but her eyes are on me.
Richard clears his throat. “As you may know, I flew to California for the auditions. I was looking forward to meeting you.”
“You were?” Reality slowly sinks in, and I’m becoming more and more aware of how stupid I must sound with my short replies.
Thankfully, Richard seems undeterred by my lack of communication skills. “I was. I read your application and was really interested in hearing more about your program. It sounds rather impressive and unlike anything I’ve heard of before.”
My heart flutters, and I take a calming breath before answering him. “Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“From what I understand, the program is finished?”
“It was a small production, but yes, it’s finished.” Pride blooms inside my rib cage, spreading throughout my whole body like a comforting blanket. This program is my brainchild, and no one could ever take that away from me.
With everything happening this last week with Jace, and the missed audition, I haven’t taken the time to think about what I’m going to do with it.
Theoretically, the possibilities are endless, but also come with a price tag that’s way too big for my savings account. Especially after I paid Brandon for all the work on the videos.
“I read the description of your program and watched the intro video you sent. I have to say, teaching music not only with instruments but also signs is absolutely brilliant, and I’d love to talk to you about it some more and see what you’ve come up with. My schedule is rather busy right now, and I don’t have the time to fly to California any time soon. How do you feel about coming to New York instead?”
Again, silence stretches between us as I try to get my emotions under control.
My breathing speeds up and, when I look at Nicole, she tilts her head and mouths, “You okay?”
I nod and close my eyes.
I must be the most unprofessional person Richard has ever talked to, but I’m absolutely floored by his words, and don’t know how to handle both his interest in the program and the compliments.
“If you need time to think about it, no worr—”
“No, no.” Let’s add rudeness to my list. Ugh. “Sorry, I meant I’d love to meet up with you. That would be absolutely amazing. Thank you.”
This man deserves a medal for being patient with me, and I promise myself to get a grip, because I do not want to screw this up. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, a second chance, and I’d never forgive myself if I failed.
“Great, great. I’m glad to hear that.” It sounds like he’s typing on a keyboard. “My assistant Andrea knows my schedule better than I do. I’m forwarding her your contact information so she’ll be in touch with you shortly to arrange everything. I’m looking forward to meeting you in person.”
“I can’t wait. Thank you so much for everything.”
“Thank you, my dear. I have a feeling this will be the start of something great. I’ll see you soon. Take care.”
I stare at the phone after we hang up until Nicole grabs my hands. “Please tell me this was what I think it was because yes, yes, yes.”
I tell her what Richard said, the whole conversation still surreal when we finally make it back to the car after a long hike down the hill.
The high of the call is still there, but the sadness is slowly creeping back in too. The first thing I wanted to do after ending the call was to pick it right back up and call Jace to tell him.
And I can’t.
Or rather, I won’t.
I let my head fall against the headrest and close my eyes for a long moment.
“You’ve got this, Millie.” Nicole is there, as always, giving me the time I need to figure out what the heck is going on with my life.
“Thank you. For everything.” I smile at her and reach for the keys just as my phone buzzes on the middle console.
Patricia’s name flashes on the screen with an incoming text message. My heart skips a beat, unsure if I’m stable enough to see what she wants. She knows what happened, mostly at least, and has been keeping me updated with cute pictures of Tanner since she’s watching him for Jace. Thank goodness for summer break.
We’ve also been able to do a few video chats. Seeing Tanner’s cute face makes me equally happy and sad.
I hate not being able to see him in person, but I know I can’t handle seeing Jace right now. Not yet.
Still, every time his mom texts or calls, I’m afraid it has something to do with Jace. Or worse, that it’s actually him using her phone to get me to answer. I’m clearly paranoid.
“You want me to read it first to see if it’s safe?” Nicole grabs the phone and holds it between us.
“No, it’s okay. But thank you.” I might as well get it over with. I grab the phone and swipe the screen to read the message.
Patricia: Hey, sweetie. Just wanted to make sure you’re still coming to Tanner’s birthday party next week.
Crap. I totally forgot about it. Not that it’ll be Tanner’s birthday but that Patricia mentioned organizing a party for him.
My thumbs hover over the screen as I try not to panic. Does that mean Jace will be there? Stupid question. Of course, he’ll be there.
The better question is, will I be ready to see him?
“Of course you’re going.” Nicole’s leaning over the middle console, giving me a reassuring thumbs-up. “Maybe you can talk to him then? It’ll be less intimidating when other people are around. And it’ll be all about Tanner anyway, so you can focus on him.”
I think on that for a moment. “You might be right.”
Emilia: Hey! When is it again?
Patricia: Sunday.
It’s Friday today, so still over a week until then. With a possible trip to New York before then too. That will give me time to mentally prepare myself so I’ll be able to face Jace. It’s not like I’m going there to see him anyway. That day will be all about Tanner and Tanner only.
I smile at the thought of seeing Tanner again, of taking him in my arms and squeezing the daylights out of him to make him giggle.
Emilia: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Let me know when you have time this week for a video chat. I’d love to see that little monkey before I forget what he looks like.
A lump forms in my throat and I have a difficult time swallowing. At this rate, I’m never going to make it home today.
Patricia: He misses you so much and would love to see you. I can call you in the morning when I’m at Jace’s.
His name looks like a blinking neon sign on the screen, and I know I won’t be oka
y seeing him next week. But somehow, I have to deal with it. For Tanner.
Emilia: Sounds perfect. I’ve got to go. We’ll talk in the morning.
I need to stop before she asks how I’m doing. I don’t think I have it in me today to talk about that with her.
Nicole smiles wildly and hits the dashboard with her palm. “Since that’s settled now, let’s go home. You need a hot shower and a cozy date with some sappy TV, a box of tissues, and our main men, Ben and Jerry.”
I snort at that remark, but we both know that’s exactly what I need. Because I might have gotten another chance at my dream job, but my heart still feels broken. I feel . . . despondent. Because I’ve lost my other job of a lifetime and something I’d begun to dream about.
Jace. Tanner.
A family of my own.
Thirty
Jace
“Man, you look like shit.” Noah claps my shoulder before taking a seat on the couch opposite me.
“I still can’t believe you fucked things up so badly.” Hunter glares at me, and it’s not the first time he’s done it since he practically threatened me with violence last week if I didn’t spill the beans to him.
Ryan shuts the door of the game room and walks past the pool table to the two couches nestled in the corner. “Will you guys watch the cussing when the door is open? Harper will have your balls if she hears you.”
He sits down next to me while Hunter’s still pacing, shooting me icy glares in between. I ignore him and turn to Ryan. “You sure Harper is okay with Tanner? I don’t want her to overdo it.”
Ryan’s eyes go wide as he shakes his head. “Don’t you dare say something like that to her, or try and take Tanner away from her. She’ll castrate you for either. She’s so looking forward to having a baby that she’d babysit Satan’s spawn at this point.”
“Huh. That’s an . . . interesting way of looking at it. You too?”
“Babysit Satan’s spawn? Fuck no.”
We all chuckle, and I punch him in the arm. “I was talking about you being baby hungry too.”
One corner of his mouth lifts before dropping again. “Not really. I mean, I’m looking forward to meeting our little one, but that doesn’t mean I want to be around everyone else’s kids all the time. They’re stressful.”
“So true.” It just slips out, but then I shrug because heck, it is true. Kids are beyond stressful, but at the same time, they also fill a void that no one or nothing else can.
Tanner is living proof of that.
“So, what happened?” Ryan leans back on the couch, one of his long arms extending along the back of it.
“Women suck, that’s what happened.” Noah’s words are quiet but loud enough for us to hear in the otherwise quiet room.
Hunter throws his head back and groans. “Noah, one day I’ll get you drunk so you finally tell us who pissed in your Cheerios.”
Noah glares at him, too much of a quiet and calm guy to do or say more.
Ryan points at the couch Noah sits on. “Hunt, sit your ass down. You’re driving me nuts walking back and forth.”
Hunter curses under his breath but sits down. He’s the youngest of us and listens to Ryan the most, who coincidentally, is the oldest.
After letting out an irritated breath, Ryan looks back at me and tilts his head. Waiting.
I shrug. “We had a time mix-up and she missed an appointment that was important to her. We got into a fight, and when she told me what the appointment was for, I lost it and said some shit I didn’t mean.”
“What was the appointment for?”
“Another job.”
Three loud hisses echo through the room.
Ryan rubs a hand over his face. “Shit, man.”
“I know.”
“A different nanny job?”
I stretch my arms overhead before linking my hands behind my head, leaning back on the couch to stare at the ceiling. “No. It was for a TV kids’ show. It’s always been her dream to work there and they invited her to an audition.”
The moment replays in my head, the hard stares and nasty words that were spoken, and it takes me a minute to realize that it’s quiet around me. Too quiet.
Why is no one saying anything?
Lifting my head, I first look at Ryan and then at Hunter and Noah. They give me almost identical looks. Raised eyebrows and an exasperated notion in their eyes. “What is it? Why are you staring at me like that?”
Noah is the first to break the silence. “You’re an idiot.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because you are.” This time it’s Ryan.
I don’t need to look at Hunter since he thinks I’m an idiot when it comes to Em anyway. For some reason, he’s on her side no matter what. Traitor.
I blow out a noisy breath, feeling the thrum of my own pulse in my veins. “What the fuck did I do? She’s the one who did all of it behind my back, ready to jump ship the first chance she got.”
I clench my fists, almost wishing for a fight to let out some of this negative energy, but none of my friends look surprised or bothered by my outburst. They probably know I’m full of shit.
“Have you talked to her since?” Ryan is certainly the calmest of the group. Maybe it’s because he’s in his mid-thirties. He also completely ignores my rambling.
“No. Over a week of absolute radio silence. She should have told me. It’s not a hard thing to do.” I’m trying to hold on to my anger, but even though the storm inside my stomach is still agitated and ready to roar, it’s also threatened to be overpowered by something much stronger.
Regret and agony.
“I totally understand that, believe me. But you know what happened with Harper and me. I’m not saying your situation is the same of course, but if I’d given her a chance to explain, if I’d actually taken the time to give her a few minutes and listened, we probably could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache and time.”
Ryan’s serious gaze bores into mine, and I think he’s trying to make sure I actually listen. “Don’t repeat my mistakes and have your head stuck up your ass because of a false sense of pride. Just saying.”
Damn.
I keep staring at him until the sound of the door opening pulls my attention away.
Harper pokes her head into the room and gives us a tired yet happy smile. She’s carrying Tanner who has his head buried in her neck. How she carries him with that huge belly is a mystery to me, but she doesn’t seem to mind. “I think someone’s ready to go home.”
I push off the couch and walk over to Harper, gently taking Tanner from her. He’s still awake, mostly at least, but definitely ready to go to sleep.
We say goodbye to everyone and Ryan walks us to the door.
“Think about what I said, okay? Don’t let your ego stand in the way of your happiness. You’d regret that for the rest of your life.” He claps my shoulder once. “Now go get your boy home safely. I’ll see you later. Thanks for coming over.”
“Happy birthday, man.”
After buckling in Tanner, I get in my seat and take my phone out of my pocket to put it on the charger. It slips out of my hand and lands next to my foot. The tumble must have activated the screen a few times because when I pick it up, I stare at a picture of Em, Tanner, and me.
My mom took it on the day Em and I went after her and Tanner to the park. Things had just started with Em and me, and it was a fun day.
We both look so happy, and it pains me to not have that anymore. Because I want it.
I miss it.
I miss her.
I miss us.
Plugging in the phone, I turn down the music and begin our drive home.
As I suspected, Tanner’s out seconds after we hit the road, the rumbling of the motor and the movement of the car working better than any sleeping machine ever could.
There’s not a lot of traffic and I welcome it, my thoughts occupied with this evening’s conversation. Ryan’s words repeat in my head over and over.
Is that really what I’m doing? I mean, yes, I can be honest with myself and admit that my ego has taken a beating. Having Em think about leaving me, leaving us, for another job, is a hard pill to swallow.
Another conversation pops into my head, one I had with Em right after her mother stomped all over her feelings. I’d wanted so badly to make her feel better. To make her believe in herself.
If it’s your dream to be a part of that kids’ show, then do it. Fucking chase that dream like the devil’s right on your heels because you deserve it. You deserve the world.
Fuck. And here I am, doing exactly what her mom—her whole family—has done to her, her whole life. No wonder she looked so wounded.
I’m such an asshole.
Bright headlights shine straight in my face and pull me out of my thoughts. The car in the oncoming traffic is swerving farther into my lane with each passing second.
My heart takes a lurch as every muscle in my body goes on high alert.
Fuck.
The damn car is coming straight for me.
I honk the horn and pull the steering wheel to the right. Sharply. Too sharply.
It takes me several seconds to correct the car, to gain control, and I come to a stop on the side of the road.
Holy shit.
My life just sped by, and this whole incident probably took less than thirty seconds.
The rearview mirror shows the other car is happily back in its lane, the driver probably not even aware of the heart attack they just gave me.
A quick look to the back confirms that Tanner’s still knocked out cold, his quiet snores oddly comforting.
I push the warning hazard button and drop my head against the steering wheel. After drawing in several shallow breaths, I still feel like screaming. I need to get rid of this pressure, this intense tightness in my chest. I can’t stop shaking.
Leaning back, I try to empty my mind of all thoughts and focus on my breathing. Something I’ve perfected over the years for my training. I like to think of it as a secret weapon, because it allows me to focus on my races without any distractions.
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