It doesn’t work as well as it normally does, but at least it allows me to calm my breathing to an almost normal pattern. My hands have mostly stopped shaking too, and I grab my phone without real conscious thought.
I want to call Em.
I have to call her. Need to.
She and Tanner were all I could think about during those panic-filled seconds when I thought I might crash straight into the oncoming car.
These two have been the main occupants of my brain for weeks now. Months really, if I’m honest.
Don’t repeat my mistakes and have your head stuck up your ass because of a false sense of pride.
I know Ryan was right. I see it with a clarity that wasn’t there before.
I pick up my phone with trembling hands and pull up her contact, pushing the call button after taking a few more steadying breaths.
It goes directly to voicemail. Shit.
After a few more tries, I give up and throw my phone on the passenger seat. It bounces off and lands on the floor. Figures. I glare at it for a moment but pick it up anyway. Em might call me back.
Maybe it’s better to do this in person anyway. Apologies aren’t nearly as good on the phone. Tanner’s birthday party is in two days, and I hope like hell that Mom’s right and Em is going to show.
If not, I’m going to find her. No matter how long it takes.
Because I was wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong. How could I hurt her so carelessly? How could I throw words at her that I knew would cut deep? Selfish asshole. That’s what I am.
All I can hope is that Em forgives me. She forgave me for hiding away for days, now I need her to forgive me for breaking her heart.
Because going forward, I know something with absolute certainty. She is my future. She is our future.
Thirty-One
Emilia
“So, tell me about New York.” Patricia looks up from where she’s putting bows around mason jars.
Somehow she coaxed me into helping her with the preparations of Tanner’s birthday party tomorrow. I’m in charge of filling up treat bags.
At Jace’s house of all places.
Apparently, I’m that easy. As if the impending torture tomorrow—seeing Jace—isn’t bad enough, being here has made me feel . . . homesick.
Where everything started.
Where everything evolved.
Where I fell in love with Jace.
Where he broke my heart.
And I didn’t even get to soothe it by seeing Tanner, because he’s gone with Jace.
It’s been two weeks. My heart suffers from withdrawal symptoms.
“So, how did it go?” Patricia picks up the decoration jars she finished and places them gently in a box on the table.
I clear my throat, pushing away all thoughts of Jace and my shattered dreams.
Instead, I focus on the woman who has become very dear to me over the last few months. “It went well, I think. I hope.”
“Did Mr. Moore say when he’ll know more?” She’s done with the mason jars and begins to tear open several bags of mostly green balloons—perfect for the dinosaur-themed party. She dumps them on the table in front of her before she starts blowing them up with a balloon pump.
“He said it will be a few days, maybe a week or two, before he’ll know more. He needs to look into a few things first, talk to some people, whatever that means.” The meeting was two days ago, but the anticipation—the torturous wait—is already killing me.
“What does your gut tell you? Do you have a good feeling about it?”
After quickly becoming one of my biggest cheerleaders, I appreciate that she’s just as curious as I am. I truly don’t know how I would have survived these last few weeks without her.
How can this woman have so much faith in me when my own mother despises me? I sigh. And then I replay the meeting in my head like I’ve done so often over the last forty-eight hours.
An easy smile forms on my face when I remember Richard’s enthusiasm. “He definitely liked the program. He was also very blunt about the improvements it would need in order to succeed in any commercial form, but I already knew that. I’m not sure what’s going to happen since it’s not just up to him but also his business partners, but I trust his expertise. He’s been involved in some of the best programs out there.”
“That’s great to hear. You know I’m rooting for you.”
“Thanks, Patricia.” A sudden rush of gratitude rushes through my system. “For everything.”
She forms a knot at the bottom of a balloon before placing it in a large trash bag. Then she walks over to me, placing both of her hands on my upper arms. “Everything’s going to be okay. Everything. I just know it.”
I smile at her. “I hope so.”
Then the doorbell rings and Patricia drops her hands. Her eyes widen for a moment before she chuckles nervously. “Um, that’s for me. I have to get that. You go finish those bags. They look perfect.”
I nod, wondering who or what’s at the door that has her acting so weird.
She grabs something from the kitchen that I can’t see before speed-walking to the door.
Hushed voices come from the entrance, but they are too quiet to make out anything that’s said.
“What the hell, Mom? Where are you going?” The male voice is loud and clear, right before the front door closes with a loud bang.
I freeze.
This can’t be happening. No freaking way. Patricia said he wouldn’t be here. Technically, I guess she wasn’t lying since he wasn’t here when I got here. That woman.
Footsteps echo down the hallway, and for a moment, I consider hiding somewhere. But then I remember my car. Patricia was unloading boxes in the driveway when I got here, so I parked across the road. Jace may have seen it. Oh, Patricia.
And now, I’m not ready to face Jace yet. Not today.
I’m still standing there like an idiot—a dinosaur treat bag in one hand and chocolate-covered pretzels in the other—when he rounds the corner.
His eyes are focused on the phone in his hand, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this quiet in my entire life. I don’t dare blink as I watch him push the screen a few times and lift the phone to his ear. “Come on, Em. Pick up your phone, please.”
That voice.
I’ve forgotten how much I love it. It’s deep and sexy. And it makes me feel all these emotions that I didn’t want to feel anymore. I’ve tried so hard to not think about him since I last saw him.
“Dammit.” He throws his phone on the kitchen counter and brushes a hand through his hair.
I’ve missed weaving my own hands through his thick brown hair.
When he lifts his head on a sigh, his blue eyes land right on me.
His mouth falls open as he blinks rapidly. His shoulders fall. His chest caves.
“Em?” His voice cracks with emotion, and I swallow hard.
My mouth is so dry, I can barely open it enough to wet my lips.
Since I don’t know what else to do, I lift my hand—dinosaur treat bag and all—and give an awkward wave. “Hey.”
He shakes his head like he can’t believe I’m here, gesturing toward his phone. “I just . . . and you are . . . I can’t believe you’re here. I just tried calling you again.”
His gaze doesn’t leave mine, like he’s afraid I might disappear if he looks away.
Oddly enough, I feel the same. Even though I was nervous to see him tomorrow, I also can’t deny that there was the smallest speck of joy and anticipation knowing I’d be able to lay eyes on him again soon.
“What are you doing here?” He takes a step closer but stops again. “Why haven’t you answered my calls? I got worried when it started going straight to voicemail a few days ago.”
“I . . .” It feels like something’s stuck in my throat, and I have to swallow several times until I think I might manage to get out a sentence. “I lost my phone in New York a few days ago.”
Jace frowns. “New York?”
&nbs
p; I forgot he doesn’t know I flew to the East Coast. “Yes. I had a business meeting.”
“Oh.”
My breath snags on something inside my chest, and it pulls me out of this awkward moment. I set the bag and treat on the table and straighten my dress with long, nervous strokes. “I should probably go.”
Jace stares at me as I pick up my purse from the chair next to me. I only make it a few steps when he composes himself and walks toward me with an outstretched hand. “Please don’t go.”
His frantic gaze searches mine, quietly pleading.
“Where’s your mom?”
He waves one hand toward the hallway. “Don’t ask me. I think she’s gone crazy. First, she tells me to ring the bell when I get here, and then when she opens the door, she practically snatches Tanner out of my arms and runs off with him, yelling over her shoulder to please finish the decorations and that she’ll be back tomorrow with the birthday boy.”
That sounds so much like Patricia I actually want to laugh. I refrain though, biting on the inside of my cheek instead.
“Can we talk? Please?” He gestures toward the couch, and after trying to clear the fog from my brain, I sigh and nod. I walk over to it and sit on the edge.
“What do you want, Jace?” I try and push the sadness away that’s clinging on the edges of my consciousness, but it’s hard to see him. I feel deflated, this situation sucking the leftover energy I had left right out of me.
I know I had to talk to him eventually, that it was unavoidable. But I don’t know if I’m . . . No. It’s not about being ready, it’s my fear of being rejected. Forever. Not only because of my family’s ridicule of losing another man.
What if Jace has wanted to talk to me to tell me to leave and not return? I’m not sure how I’d survive that. And that’s my greatest fear. I love him, but it may not be enough to keep him.
Jace sits down a few feet away from me, probably noticing that I chose the easiest spot to escape. For good reason.
He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, and threading his fingers together under his chin. “How have you been?”
I’m not sure how to handle this. Trying to act normal is beyond weird. “Good. You?”
Definitely the most awkward small talk ever.
“Sure, sure.”
“What?”
He grimaces. “Sorry. I just can’t believe you’re here. I feel like I haven’t seen you in years.”
“I know what you mean.”
He scoots a little closer, and I wonder if he’s even aware of his movement. I have to consciously fight against the urge to lean into him, because that’s what my body wants. What my heart truly wants. But it’s also still bruised. Jace hurt my feelings.
We all make mistakes, especially in relationships, but his wasn’t a small one. He hit the freaking jackpot of hurt feelings, the one thing that would dig so deep, it’s hard to get over.
Ironically, had this happened a few weeks or months ago, it might have been easier for me to get over it. But since I’ve known Jace, I’ve developed this new level of pride and confidence when it comes to how I should be treated.
How I deserve to be treated. It took me a while to recognize it, and to get a good grasp on it, but it’s there. Burning strong and proud in my veins.
“I didn’t go to my parents’ dinner last week.” I’m not sure why I tell him, but for some reason, I want him to know.
That gets his attention and he straightens. “Why?”
I shrug and stare at my hands. “I was just fed up. I think the whole scenario when I saw my mom with her friend mixed with our . . . altercation just pushed me over the edge. I was so tired of being anyone’s punching bag, so I told her as much. I won’t visit until they can act like civilized people and treat me with the respect and humanity I deserve.”
My conversations with Nicole have helped a lot, forcing me to take a really good look at myself and my life too. Despite the pain, these past few weeks have proven to be a soul-searching experience. A necessary one.
When several seconds have passed, and Jace still hasn’t said a word, I can’t resist the urge to look at him. There’s a gleam in his eyes that wasn’t there before and a satisfied smile curves his beautiful lips.
He reaches out with one of his hands but pulls it back before touching me. “Aside from the fact that I wish I could erase our altercation, I’m so proud of you. I know that wasn’t easy for you.”
“Thank you. It was a long time coming, and I wish I would have stood up for myself earlier, saving myself plenty of heartache over the years, but it is what it is. I’m trying to focus on the future instead of torturing myself with what-ifs from the past.” I finish my speech on a loud exhale, feeling lighter than before.
Did I want to share this with him? Was that one of the things that has been weighing on me?
“My coach would be really proud of you right now. I know I am. He always says there’s never anything good coming from looking at past failures. All it does is imprison you, hold you back, and give you a late start into the future.” He chuckles softly. “That man says the most random things sometimes.”
“But it makes sense.”
“It does.”
The sense of camaraderie I’ve previously felt with Jace is still very present, and gosh, it feels so dang good. I’ve missed him. Not just Jace, my lover and the man I’ve fallen madly in love with, but also Jace, my friend and confidant.
He’s intelligent and funny, protective and strong. I still haven’t forgotten what happened, but I also can’t deny the comfort from being in his presence.
He clears his throat, the rich noise making the hair rise at the nape of my neck, sending delicious shivers down my back. “Now about us.”
I look him straight in the eye, the beautiful blue of his irises captivating me. “What about us?”
“Oh, Em. There’s so much about us. So very much, baby.”
Thirty-Two
Jace
Don’t screw this up.
Don’t screw this up.
Despite my outward bravado, I’m scared shitless about doing or saying something stupid and screwing this up with Em.
And that cannot happen. It’s not an option.
Not now. Not ever.
She bites her lip and averts my gaze. Shit. I’ve zoned out again and just stared at her like a moron.
All I want to do is fall on my knees and beg for her forgiveness. To take her into my arms and inhale her sweet scent. To go back to the way things were before our fallout.
When she turns her head in my direction, her beautiful eyes focus on me, and my breath stalls in my chest. Something happens every time she looks at me. We connect on a level I can’t fully grasp, let alone begin to explain. It’s raw and deep. It makes me feel vulnerable yet strong at the same time.
She lifts her chin but her features stay soft. My gaze flickers to her mouth. That soft bow of her upper lip perfectly curved and just waiting to be sucked on.
“I’m sorry.” The words rush out of my mouth, the urge to make this right, to fix things, taking on its own life. “I’m so terribly sorry. I’m a total ass for my stupid comment, and I’ll never forgive myself for putting that look in your eyes. Never.”
Em’s throat works as she swallows. Once. Twice. “What you said was mean and uncalled for, even if I wrote the numbers wrong.”
“I know. Nothing makes my behavior okay. Two wrongs never make a right, and I overstepped. You caught me off guard and I got mad, but I should have dealt with it better instead of hurting you, and for that I am truly sorry.”
“I know you are.”
The look on her face is killing me. I’ve seen it twice, the first caused by her family, and the second by me. I never want to see it again. “I’d move the earth if it meant I could take it back.”
“I know you would.”
“Tell me what it takes for you to forgive me.” I lose the battle with my fidgety fingers and grab the hand that’s closes
t to me, savoring the brush of her fingertips on my palm as a gasp leaves her mouth.
Hope stirs in my chest when she doesn’t break the contact. “I’ve missed you so much, and I’m not beyond begging. You have become my person so quickly that I will do whatever it takes to make this right again with you. As long as it takes to have—”
Her hand shoots up and covers my mouth with her fingers. “Will you actually let me get a word in too?”
My lips move against her fingertips but no words come out. Her gaze flickers to my mouth and I watch her face transform. A warm blush pinks her cheeks, her magnetic eyes turning into liquid pools of desire.
When her fingers brush across my lips, I close my eyes to relish in the sensation. The contact couldn’t be more innocent, but my blood is boiling, the hunger for her so strong, I might go up in flames.
I grab her wrist and pull her hand away from my mouth before I give in and start sucking on her fingers.
It takes her a moment to catch up with the motion and her hooded eyes lift to mine. Her chest heaves in quick succession, her breathing growing faster and more audible as we stare at each other.
I push through the lust-covered bubble I’m in and ignore the fever that’s spreading throughout my body. “Baby.”
Her hands tremble in mine, and oddly enough, it gives me the courage I need to keep going.
When I’m sure I have her full attention, I squeeze her fingers. “I love you.”
Em closes her eyes. When she opens them, they are shiny, and she nods almost compulsively. Taking our tangled hands, she lifts them up and presses our connected palms to her heart.
The gesture is too much, and I can’t wait any longer. Extracting my hands from hers, I capture her face, gently caressing her cheeks with my thumbs before leaning in. There’s less than an inch between our lips, and I’m desperate to close the distance.
“I need you to tell me, baby.” Our breaths mingle, her sweet scent filling my nostrils. “I need to hear the words. To know that I can make this right. That you’ll forgive me.”
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