I shook my head. I felt a little off, and I wasn't sure if it was the food or the myriad of doubts attacking me.
The check arrived and David gave it a once-over like he always did, making sure all the details were accurate. Satisfied, he calculated a fair tip and paid accordingly.
He thanked the waiter, giving him a confident smile and turned back to me, sliding his hand across the table and over my fingers. He squeezed my wrist, his dimple appearing.
“I can't have you staying the night, because I really need to get some decent sleep for tomorrow, but do you want to end your evening in my bed?”
No.
That was my first thought.
No?
What the hell was wrong with me?
Pushing a grin over my lips, I nodded. “Of course.”
“What would I do without you, Ella? I'm the luckiest guy on this earth.”
Swallowing down my doubts, I relished the smile he shone me and rose from the table. How could I not want to be with a guy who said things like that to me?
His fingers wove between mine and we walked out of the restaurant. David hailed a taxi quickly and pulled me into his arms, kissing my hair and squeezing me to him.
He no doubt spent the taxi ride thinking about how sweet his life was, while I spent it trying to psych myself up for a sexual encounter that had my mind focused on one man and not three.
*****
“What's the matter?” David pushed back on his arms, peering down at me through the darkness.
“What?” I rubbed my hands up his bare sides, knowing the answer, but never daring to say it.
“You just didn't seem into it.”
“I was.” Not really, because I spent most of that intimate tryst trying not to imagine someone else inside me; a faceless man with a voice that did me in. “I'm sorry, I just feel a little off. My tummy is...”
David let out a sigh. “The wheat thing again?”
“Yeah, I think so.” It was actually starting to hurt, and I had a sinking feeling the next day was going to suck.
David slipped out of me, rolling onto his back and resting his arm on his forehead. “I thought you chose carefully. You need to ask and stop assuming that what you order will be gluten-free.”
There was an edge of annoyance in his softly-spoken words. I couldn't help wondering if it was more to do with the fact we hadn't just repeated our passionate encounter from this morning or the fact I hadn’t been more careful with my menu choice.
“I'm sorry. I didn't see anything in my meal that could have had wheat...unless the fish was coated in flour or something,” I mumbled. Damn it. It would have been that.
My stomach constricted in protest, confirming my suspicions.
I tried not to hunch over. David really hated it when I was careless on the wheat thing. Being a celiac was so annoying, and I tried really hard to never let it affect anyone around me.
In spite of his annoyance, his hand softly skimmed my belly. “You need to be more careful. I should have made you ask when you ordered.”
“I'll try to be more assertive next time.”
He flashed me an adoring grin and kissed my forehead before flopping back down beside me. “Ella Simmons. Assertive.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “Those words don't go together, baby.”
His laughter was sweet and teasing, but it still pissed me off. I hated my timidity. I wanted to be more assertive; I just didn't know how. I think David liked stepping up and playing hero, so he was more than happy to keep me as his quiet, mousy girl.
If truth be told, I preferred it that way, but for the first time ever I had to question if it was actually good for me.
I sat up, reaching for my underwear. “I'm pretty tired from last night. Maybe I should go.”
“What'd you do last night?” David propped himself up on his elbow.
“I went out with Morgan and Brad. Well, I met them at Quigg's, anyway.”
“Quigg's?” David flicked on the lamp. A dimple scored his cheek as he grinned at me, a little confused. “But Cole told me Chaos was playing there last night.”
“Yeah, that's why Morgan invited me.”
“But...” David snickered. “We hate loud bands like that.”
I reached for my shirt, keeping my eyes downcast as I buttoned it up. “I don't mind them...sometimes. They were really good.” Glancing up, I straightened my shirt and tried not to let David's look bother me. “What? You listen to techno. That can be loud.”
“Yeah, but only in the car. I’d never go to a concert.”
“This wasn’t a concert. It was just a band playing in a bar.” I huffed. “Am I not allowed to like loud, rock bands?”
“No, of course not.” He reached for my hand. “I'm just surprised.”
I met his smile with one of my own, knowing that his surprise was my fault. I shrugged. “I know you're not into that kind of stuff, and I'm just as happy going to the movies with you or a nice, quiet dinner.”
“I love that we're into the same things...mostly.” He chuckled, but I know my revelation unnerved him.
Perching on the edge of the bed, I ran my hand up his arm. “It's okay for us to like different stuff too, though, isn't it?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Just don't ask me to ever go to Quigg's on a Friday night, okay?”
“Okay.” I swallowed and looked away.
“I know I sound like an old man, but I know what I like, and I don't see any reason to put myself in a situation I won't enjoy, you know what I mean?”
“I know exactly what you mean.” My forced smile hurt as I leaned toward him for a kiss.
He let out a pleasant moan then pulled back and gently held my neck. “I love you, baby. You make me so happy.”
I grinned, my heart turned to mush by the look in his eye.
“Sleep well. Give me a call tomorrow afternoon, when you're done.”
“Sounds good.” He kissed me again before flopping back onto his pillow to watch me leave.
I waved and closed the door behind me, walking back to my room in a heavy silence. It weighed me down, making me feel small and pathetic. I couldn't help a touch of resentment.
I did stuff for David all the time: sat through his boring chatter about his study group, listened to his endless assignment work and his plans for our future. I went to all his debate meets at high school...and he didn't even take me to his senior prom. Instead, we went out for a quiet, romantic dinner, but...
I tutted. This was my fault. I'd never put up a fight when he'd suggested we skip prom and do something different. I was always happy to just go along with whatever he wanted. I wasn’t afraid to upset him...I didn’t think; I just wanted to make him happy. He took such good care of me that first year we were together, I felt like I owed him.
His confidence made me feel stronger, secure. I clung to that when he was away from me, learning to stand on my own two feet a little, knowing he was over here setting up our future. It seemed to drive me...until crunch time when I actually had to leave my comfort zone and follow him.
Now that I was here and with him again, it felt different. I still loved him, no question, but something inside me was changing, and I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.
Reaching my room, I placed my hand on the knob and grimaced. My stomach clenched with pain, and I bit back my whimper as I entered the room. I hated my gluten allergy. It could be so debilitating.
I also hated my allergy to telling David the truth, which for the first time felt just as crippling.
Leaning against the back of the door, I looked to the ceiling, my eyes glassing over with tears.
I felt like I was stuck in quicksand; a sweet quicksand that was pleasant and secure, but a quicksand nonetheless. I couldn't break David's heart. He loved me. I made him happy.
That was enough, right?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
COLE
I woke the next morning, restless and agitated. Saturday had been a crappy day
walking around campus, trying to avoid my room in case Ella and David were at it again. After three hours of mindless wandering, I couldn't take it anymore and braved my place. It had been mercifully empty, so I slumped on the couch watching a movie and trying to tune out.
Quigg's was once again busy but not as much fun. I got home just after midnight. The place appeared quiet and still, David's door closed. I had no idea if Ella was in there or not, but just the idea made sleeping near impossible.
After a quick, silent shower with no sweet songbird to accompany me, I headed back to my room and dumped my stuff. David's door remained shut, and I didn't want to kick around and wait for the sounds of soft moaning again.
Damn. Another long day.
Nina and Malachi told me to take today off. They opened later on a Sunday, and they could cover the lunch rush without me. Nina would no doubt tell me off if I showed up.
“Get your butt back to school and study,” she'd say.
That was the last thing I felt like doing.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I looked across at David's door and mumbled, “First things first.”
I knew it was only eight, but Morgan seemed like an early riser, and I figured Ella was already in David's bed, so it wasn’t like I'd be waking her. I needed those headphones.
Brushing past a few students, I made my way to room 309 and gently tapped on the door.
A minute later it crept open, and I faced a pale-looking Ella. She clutched the door, slightly hunched over. She squinted at me as if she was trying to hide some pain in her body.
I wanted to ask her if she was all right, but didn't know if she'd find that too intrusive.
“Hey.” I smiled instead.
“Hi, Cole.” She leaned her head against the door. “What's up?”
“I was just wondering if Morgan was here.”
Her thin eyebrows bunched together.
“She was going to lend me some headphones.” I didn’t know why I felt a need to justify seeing Morgan.
“Oh, she's not here right now, but I can go and look for them if you like.”
She winced and her knuckles grew white as she gripped the wood. She looked ready to double over.
“Are you okay?” I reached out for her, worry coursing through me.
“Just a tummy ache.” She whimpered.
“It looks like more than a tummy ache. Do you need me to...call David or take you to the doctor?”
“No.” She rubbed her forehead. “It's...I get this sometimes.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I'm allergic to gluten...wheat...and I think...I know…I accidentally had some last night. The fish, it's the only thing I can think of. It must have been coated in flour before they fried it. It didn't even occur to me when I was ordering it.” She scrunched over for a second, clutching her belly. “It only lasts for a day. I just have to drink a ton of water and take it easy. Compared to some, this is mild.”
“This is mild?”
She looked so miserable, and I was helpless to do anything about it. I hated that.
“Where's David? Do you want me to go and get him?”
“No, he's studying. I don't want to bother him. He needs to focus, and I just need to take it easy for the day. There's nothing he can really do to help me.” Her soft voice was frail. “Let me go and find those headphones for you.”
“Don't worry about it.” I waved my hand. “I can come back another time.”
“Okay.” Her large eyes glassed over as they hit me. Pressing her lips together, she looked like she was holding back the tears. I knew the second I left, they'd fall, and I just couldn't let that happen.
“Can I get you anything? What do you want most when you feel this way?”
“My mom.” Her face crumpled and she closed her eyes, trying to pull herself together.
I swear my heart was going to crack watching her. I couldn't stop myself from gently asking, “Can I come in?”
Her large eyes hit me again, punching through my chest and melting me. Without a word, she pulled the door a little wider and stepped aside. I closed the door behind me, shoving my hands into my pockets and giving her a sympathetic smile. Wrapping her arms around herself, she walked back to the couch and flopped onto it, curling into a ball.
I noticed her empty glass and quietly collected it, going to the mini-fridge and finding a half-empty water bottle. She sniffed as I walked the refilled glass back to her and placed it on the coffee table.
“Thanks,” she murmured.
I pulled the blanket so it covered her feet and sat down on the edge of the couch. Her toes brushed against my thigh, but she didn't move them. She looked like she had a pretty sweet headache to go along with her tummy pain. Her shaky fingers continued to rub just above her right eyebrow.
“Are you sure you don't want me to call David?”
“No, he's studying, and you know him; he's terrible with sick people. When he's sick, he just likes to go into his little man-cave and pretend the world doesn't exist.”
I chuckled, remembering his bout of the flu last year. He was like a grumpy bear.
Fingering the tassels on Ella's blanket, I gave her a small smile. “Let me guess: you, on the other hand, need a little TLC.”
She grinned. “I know. I'm so pathetic.”
“No, you're not.” I patted her leg. “Do you want me to grab your computer? We could set you up on Skype with your mom.”
Her face washed with a heart-crushing sadness, her eyes glossing over once more. “I'm surprised David hasn't told you.”
I swallowed. He hadn't, and I had a sinking feeling I knew what she was about to tell me. Her mother was dead.
“My parents passed away a few years ago.”
My stomach did a belly flop. She was an orphan? Like me?
Her lips pursed to the side as she brushed away a tear. “Most of the time, I'm okay. It's just some days...I don't know. Mom was always perfect when I was sick. I miss her fussing, and her cold hand on my forehead.” Ella's voice wobbled. “She'd rub my back, and we'd sit on the couch together watching Dirty Dancing and The Notebook.” She sniffed and softly chuckled.
My heart constricted. “How old were you when they died?”
“Fifteen.”
“I'm so sorry, Ella.” My eyebrows moved as I said the words, total understanding running through me.
She paused, turning her head to study me. Her eyes narrowed. “You sound like you mean it.”
“I do.”
“No.” She sat up, perching her weight on her elbow. “I mean, you sound like you know what it's like.”
I looked away with a soft sigh. “I do.”
“How'd they die?”
“Car accident.” I cleared my throat the way I always did after saying those words.
Her soft lips parted, surprise flicking through her expression. “Mine too,” she whispered.
My breath hitched and our eyes locked for an intense moment of something I'd never experienced before. I couldn't even label it. There was just this powerful awareness flowing between us.
She finally looked away with a sad smile, pulling one of the blanket tassels straight. “The worst memory of my life was opening up that door to two police officers with pale faces and sad eyes. I just knew the second I saw them...” She licked her bottom lip. “Mom and Dad weren't coming home from their dance class. In fact, they'd never be coming home again.”
“Yeah. It's weird how you know. You just get that feeling.“ I never talked about this with anyone, but I felt like it was only fair after what she'd just told me. Besides, she got it. I mean she actually got it. “I was at summer camp and...” I chuckled and then winced. “Actually, I was getting kicked out of summer camp for putting cherry bombs in the toilets.”
Her eyes rounded and she giggled, before nestling back onto her pillow and shifting her body so she could look at me.
“I was just experimenting. I didn't even know if they would work or not.”
“But they did.” Her laughte
r grew.
I nodded with a bashful smile. “Yep, they definitely did.” I clicked my tongue. “The director was so pissed, he kicked me out that day.” The humor vanished from my tone, sucked into a morbid vortex. “Mom and Dad were coming to pick me up and I was really nervous. I knew they'd be disappointed, and I hated letting them down. Although, I was kinda hoping Dad would find it funny.” My wide-eyed stare went fuzzy, my voice dropping to a near whisper. “The longer it took them to get there the more nervous I got, and then it finally started to sink in. They weren't coming. When the director came through to tell me, I already knew.”
“It's like your innards are being crushed to dust, right?” Ella's voice and tone matched mine. “I thought I'd never be able to breathe normally again.”
“Yeah. Me too.” I looked at her. “I was ten when it happened, and I think I stopped talking for a few months. I just couldn't think past the numb.”
“Do you have any siblings?”
“Nah, it was just me.”
“Such a lonely feeling, isn't it.”
“I'm guessing you're the same.”
“Yep.” She nodded. “Who'd they send you to?”
I shrugged, trying to put on the tough veneer I always did. She was making it damn hard to hold it in place though. “My grandparents didn't want me— they said they were too old, so I went into foster care.”
“Sucked?”
“Definitely; well, until I got to Nina and Mal's. I hadn't lasted more than six months in a place before them, and they had me all the way through high school. I work for them now, actually.”
“Quigg's?”
“Yeah.”
“That's really cool.”
“I know. I'm one of the lucky ones, right?”
“Yeah. I guess.” Her shoulder popped up with a shrug. “I got sent to live with my crazy aunt. She's really weird and her people skills are basically non-existent. I mean, I feel like she cares about me because I'm her dead sister's kid, but she doesn't like me living there. I spent most of my high school years sleeping over at Morgan and Jody's place.”
“You girls do seem ridiculously close.”
“We're family. I don't think I could have survived without them...or David.” Her gaze fluttered away from mine. “We got together after Morgan left for college. Jody was going through this rebellious phase, and he really helped me through, you know.”
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