The Accidental Human

by Dakota Cassidy

  Heath’s hand went immediately to her cabinet, pulling out a mug and pouring some coffee into it. He swung around, holding it out to her, his mouth forming a crooked grin. It made her knees feel weak, and her mouth dry.

  “Morning. Feeling better?”

  Define better.Was it making her feel better that he wasn’t even acknowledging what happened last night? Then, yeah, she was better. But wait, had it been that unforgettable? “I am, thanks.” She took the cup he offered, snatching it from him to avoid touching his fingers.

  He backed away instantly, pulling his jacket from the chair and slipping into it. The ripple of muscle that followed made her mouth water. Her eyes immediately went to the floor to avoid getting caught up in his beefcakey-ness again.

  “I gotta get going, but I’ll call you tomorrow so we can work on my cold call techniques.”

  “About those tech—”

  He was halfway to the front door when he turned to say, “I really have to go, Wanda. I just wanted to be sure you were really okay after last night. You looked pretty pale. Whatever you need to talk about, we’ll take care of it tomorrow. Thanks for the loan of your couch. Oh, and someone named Nina called. I probably shouldn’t have answered the phone, but it happened out of habit. I apologize. I took her number down. It’s there on the pad by the phone. See you tomorrow.” With that, he was gone, followed by a cold rush of air as he pulled the door shut.

  Well. That was that, wasn’t it? He hadn’t even given her the chance to tell him she was going to send him to Linda. She’d at least wanted to do it in person, but now it would have to wait for something as impersonal as a phone call.

  Her throat tightened.This was the last time she’d see him.Why that made her so sad made no sense. She’d known him less than two days. Sipping her coffee, she sank to her couch, noting how he’d folded the blankets in a neat stack. She tugged at them, dragging them to her nose and inhaling his lingering scent.

  Menusha hopped up along the back of the sofa, rubbing against her cheek. “You slept out here with him, didn’t you? Is there anyone, animal or mineral, who doesn’t have lust in their loins for him? And yes, that includes me. I’m chalking it up to where I’m at in my life—I’m fragile, Nusha, verrrry fragile. So I think I should get a hall pass for lusting after this man who’s essentially my employee. I’m not in my right mind.”

  When her phone rang, it reminded her that Nina had called, and she was probably calling back now. And she’d want answers. Lifting the phone from its base, Wanda checked the caller ID.

  Yep. It was time to produce some answers. She squared her shoulders. “Hey, Nina.”

  There was silence for a moment, and if Wanda didn’t know Nina like she did, including that she no longer breathed, she’d have thought no one was on the line. Oh, but she knew Nina, and the kind of momentary silence she was displaying meant she was winding up her tongue for the fastball. “Don’t answer your phone like you’re all innocent,Wanda.Who in the fuck was that man, and what in the fuck was he doing at your house on a Saturday morning at eight a.m.?”

  “He was Heath, and he spent the night,” she offered casually.

  More silence—dripping through the earpiece while she grabbed another metaphoric baseball to hurl. “Ooookay, explain, and do it now. This is not like you. Not even a little. And honestly, you’ve been doing a lot of weird shit lately that I don’t get. No one spends the night at your house but Marty and me. No man has walked through those doors since I’ve known you. Not even the hint of a man.”

  “That’s totally not true. I had you and Greg and Marty and Keegan over just last month for fondue and blood-sicles—or whatever that was you brought. Greg and Keegan are men, in case you’ve forgotten about how often you’ve both told me of their manliness—their manhoods, too, for that matter.”

  “Wanda?”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “Knock off the smart-ass shit with me, okay?You know exactly what I mean. No man that Marty and I don’t know or bump uglies with has ever been in your house.”

  “How do you know no men, strange or otherwise, have been in my house? I might have men here all the time. Maybe you’ve just never seen them.” Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men.

  Wanda heard Nina cluck her tongue. Hoo boy. Now she was pissed. When she cracked her knuckles or clucked her tongue—shit would surely fly. “Wanda—cut it out. Like now. Who was the guy who answered your phone? If you’re doing some guy—cool. You deserve to get laid more than anyone I know. In fact, we’ll yuck it up over at Hogan’s, if you want.You can tell us all about it. Every naughty detail. I’m all in. But if he was like the plumber, and I got in my fucking car in broad daylight to come check on you for nothing, I’m gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild.You know what it’s like for me to come out during the day. It’s an—”

  Wanda yawned, pulling a pillow to her lap. “Event. I know. You remind me with startling frequency.What was the last count? Ten?”

  “Wanda—spill.”

  “Are you really on your way over?”

  Nina’s snort held her usual sarcasm. “When do I ever joke about shit this important? When do I ever joke about slapping on a pound of zinc oxide just to get out the door? Never. I’m halfway to your house, because I was worried. Greg said I was being an idiot, and if you wanted to boink—even if it was the plumber you were slamming—I should mind my own business. But Greg doesn’t know you like I know you,Wanda, now does he? He doesn’t know what lurks behind that pretty smile and those—what the fuck do you and Marty call them? Come—”

  “Come-hither eyes.” Wanda closed her come-hithers to thwart the headache she felt developing.

  “Yeah, those. My man doesn’t know that you’re about as pure as the fucking snow I plowed through in my driveway to get to you. So I panicked, okay? You’ve been bizarre lately, and while I can’t put my finger on it—I will put my finger in your eye if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”

  A ripple of irritation skittered along the surface of her skin. What if she did have a man here? Why was that like the Geneva Convention? “How come you didn’t just fly here, Elvira? It would’ve saved you a ton of trouble. And what were you doing up at eight in the morning?” That Nina could literally transport herself from one place to the other was just one of those magical, mystical, freaky-deaky things about being a vampire Wanda couldn’t dwell too long on. It made her head swirl.

  “I was up because I had an attack of insomnia, and I called because I wanted to see if you wanted to go do karaoke later this week. I didn’t fly because it’s daylight, nimrod. Remember the whole burn to a crisp thing? I’m still not as good as I want to be at this mind-over-matter crap—so I’m not taking a chance I’ll stall, lose my concentration, and end up a pile of ashes in the middle of Hackensack because I lingered too long over the Island—worrying about you.”

  Nina so loved her, Wanda mused. She hated it. She’d never say it out loud, but she loved Wanda. Nina loved Marty, too. It frosted her Wheaties, but it was true, and that made Wanda gulp back a watery response. “Okay, I’m sorry. You can go home now. I’m fine.”

  “You know, lately, I hear a lot of that statement. ‘I’m fine, Nina. Stop treating me like a baby, Nina,’ ” she mocked, taking on the higher-pitched tone of Wanda’s voice. “Now stop yutzing around with me. The man, Wanda. Speak.”

  “He’s a recruit.”

  “Hah! The hell he is.Weak, pal.Very weak. No man sells Bobbi-Sue. No real man.”

  Wanda bristled at that. She’d dare anyone to say Heath wasn’t a real man after that almost-kiss last night. Double dog dare them. But she held her tongue. “No, I’m serious. He’s a new recruit.”

  “Shut. Up. A dude who wants to sell makeup?” Wanda could understand Nina’s astonishment. Been there.

  “Yeahhhhhhhh.”

  “Was that the breathy, dreamy crap you and Marty call the big girly sigh I just heard in your voice?”

  “There was nothing breathy or dreamy in my sigh.” W
as there?

  “Bullshit. I heard it, and we both know if I can do nothing else, I can hear a pine tree fucking fall in Trenton. So explain. And hurry up. All of a sudden, I’m beat.”

  “There’s nothing to explain. I was as shocked as anyone when he answered the ad, because as you well know, it’s only women who answer it. He showed up here two nights ago, ate a bunch of weenies in a blanket like they were caviar, snarfed almost all of my cheese log down with a side of crackers, wowed everyone with his mad color skills, sold twenty-three starter kits yesterday, and spent the night last night. But not because of what your dirty little mind is creating. Because it was snowing and I didn’t want him to drive.”

  “Twenty-three starter kits?”

  “Yep. And no one has backed out yet. But the day is still young.”

  “Dude, doesn’t that beat your record? Shit, that beats Marty’s, too.”

  Yeah, whatever. It still rubbed salt in her wound that Heath had come up with the idea of selling at the transgender pageant in the first place. The salt had a sprinkle of admiration, but it still stung. “It beats everyone’s record. It’s a Bobbie-Sue jackpot. No one’s ever sold that many kits in one day. Not that I ever remember seeing on that board they have in the lobby, anyway.”

  “Okay, so he’s a guy who actually wants to sell Bobbie-Sue? There’s only one conclusion—he’s gay.”

  Wanda’s cheeks instantly lit up with her former guilt about the latter. “Nope.”

  “Nope? You know this how, Wanda? He’s a guy. A guy—selling makeup. Isn’t that like a man-sin or something? So if you know he’s not gay, that must mean you found out through carnal knowledge. Oh, fuck. Tell me you protected yourself.”

  This was only making things worse. Had Heath not yanked the rug out from under her, the last thing she’d have done was sleep last night. “Nina—cut it out! We didn’t sleep together, and I know enough to use protection if we had. There was no sex.” None. Absolutely none. How grim.

  “Okay, fine. What the hell does a guy know about makeup?”

  Wanda had to laugh. “What did you know about makeup, Nina?”

  Nina laughed, too—tension free. “Okay, true that. But still, I’m a woman. I know what it feels like to be a woman—don’t you have to be all relatable and shit to your client? That’s like the cult of Bobbie-Sue’s rule number one. How can he relate to a woman?”

  Oh, he related. “I don’t know. I only know the women at the party didn’t seem to mind. In fact, they loved him.”

  “He’s scammin’.” Nina’s voice said her mind was made up. “And you’re a prime target, because you’re so damned Holly Hobby. And I swear to Christ, if he touched you, talked you into anything, I’ll fucking kill him.”

  “Oh, Nina, knock it off! Does anyone think I can actually take care of myself? What makes you think I can’t take care of myself? What makes you, and Marty, for that matter, think I can’t see a guy who just wants to get in my pants from a mile off?” Jesus. She wasn’t a total social tard. It wasn’t like she hadn’t had the very same thoughts about Heath that Nina was so worried about anyway.

  “Hah! How quickly we forget, Wanda. How quickly we forget the freak at the House of Hwang who was trying to get your phone number while his wife was in the fucking bathroom! Remember that, oh worldly one?”

  Okay. There was that, but he had been really cute. “How was I supposed to know he was married, Nina? Osmosis? Jesus!”

  “Um, because he had a wedding ring on?”

  Okay, there was that, too. “Fine. So sometimes I don’t look closely enough but—”

  “Just hold on a sec—that’s Marty clicking in.”

  Wonderful. Marvelous. Tag team. Wanda rolled her eyes and twirled the length of her hair around her finger in exasperation.

  “Wanda?”

  “Marty . . .”

  “You bet, and what the hell is going on here? Nina texted me about some guy and something about spending the night at your house.”

  Wanda’s sigh was ragged and fed up. “Yes. A man spent the night at Chez Schwartz. Big deal.”

  “And he claims he wants to sell Bobbie-Sue,” Nina interjected pointedly. “I dunno ’bout you, Marty, but dude seems fishy, and our fair Wanda says he isn’t gay. If he’s not gay and he wants to sell chick-shit, I say he’s scammin’ to get in her knickers—especially after she did the girly sigh crap—that’s if he hasn’t already. So you wanna knock the crap out of him, or should I?”

  Wanda huffed into the phone. “Oh, Nina, S-T-F-U!”

  “Ohhhhhhh, harsh, Wanda. Very fucking harsh—what the fuck is S-T-F-U?”

  Marty cut in. “Um, shut the fuck up.”

  Wanda could visualize Nina’s nostrils flaring. Another sure sign her temper had peaked on her anger thermometer. “You did not just tell me to shut the fuck up.You did not.”

  Wanda stuck her chin out as if Nina could see her. “Yeah, super-vamp. Yeah, I did.What in God’s name is it going to take to get you to understand not everyone has malice on their mind and murder in their heart? All this yelling and threatening to beat people up will end. Seriously, why can’t the two of you once, just once, trust that I’m a big girl, and I can take care of myself? How do you suppose I managed before I met the two of you? Did you think I just limped through life, broken and battered until you two knuckle-heads rode in on your white horses and saved innocent, little ole me? I often ask myself what the two of you would do if I weren’t here to order around—or referee your fights!” Oh, God. The gut clench that created held her stomach in an iron grip. But her sense that they’d drift apart if she wasn’t in the picture tore her up.

  Yeah, they fought.Yeah, they lobbed threats at one another all the doggone time, but Wanda couldn’t bear it if they didn’t continue their friendship because she wasn’t around to see to it they didn’t chew each other’s heads off. If she had to leave this world, she’d darn well do it knowing her two best friends would still do all the things they’d once loved to do as a threesome.

  One of the two women whistled. “Wow, honey.” Marty—it was Marty. “We were just looking out for you. It’s only done out of love.We worry.You haven’t even looked at a man with any interest since we’ve known you, and that was almost hot off the heels of your divorce.You don’t date, you read romance novels like they’re going out of print any day now, and then I get a text message from Nina that says a man—unknown, mind you—slept at your house. So can you see where we’re coming from? All I’m saying is, we’ve been exposed to more than you, and we don’t want you falling for some guy’s line of shit and getting hurt. Capice?”

  The guilt.There was always the guilt trip when she called them on treating her like she was their kid sister. And it always worked. She hung her head. “Yes, I capice, okay? I’m sorry I jumped down your throats.”

  “You’re way edgy lately, Wanda. Way. Neither Marty nor me get it, but what the canine says is true. We just want you to be happy, and we don’t want some guy taking advantage of you.”

  Wanda let her head fall to her knees. “He didn’t take advantage, I promise. And, Marty, when I tell you how many starter kits he sold, you’ll flip.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Twenty-three.Yes, you heard me right. Twenty-three.”

  “No way! That puts our sales history to shame. In fact, that’s the best ever. It’s like a record. And he’s a guy . . .” was Marty’s dry response filled with suspicion.

  Wanda closed her eyes, a vision of Heath still behind them. “Yeahhhhhhhh.”

  “See!” Nina yelped. “There it is again.That dreamy sigh shit you two do when you talk about Keegan or Wanda talks about those crazy romance novel heroes named stupid things like Hunter and Colton.”

  “Omigod! Do you like him,Wanda? Is he cute?” Marty prodded.

  She shrugged her shoulders as if she were trying to prove her indifference. “He’s okay, I guess.”

  “Noooooo. No, no, no,” Nina clucked. “That dreamy sigh wasn’t a ‘he’s jus
t okay’ sigh,Wanda. I’m not fallin’ for it. So what I’m hearing here is that this guy is cute, and he spent the night at your house. Wanna tell me if anything happened? Like did you get all crazy and celebrate those twenty-three starter kits by doing him?”

  Hah! If only. As if. Oh. Jesus. “No!You saw how bad the weather was last night, didn’t you? I couldn’t let him drive home in that.”

  Nina’s response was oozing with her cynicism. “Where’s home?”

  “That’s kind of none of your business, Nina,” Wanda said tartly. “But if you just can’t stand the suspense—it’s on Dunlap. At least that’s what he put on his application.”

  Marty scoffed. “You do realize this makes no sense, don’t you, Wanda? No man wants to sell Bobbie-Sue.”

  “I do, but after yesterday, what should I tell him, Marty? No, please don’t sell any more starter kits for me, because I don’t want all that lovely money?” That’d shut her up.

  “Point. Okay, I concede. But if this man does anything suspicious, I’d better hear about it. I’ll have him taken out so fast, he’ll break the time-space continuum.”

  “But wait,” Nina interrupted again. “You still haven’t told us if you like him, you know, in that way.”

  She liked him in all ways—except for the way he’d outsold her. But she couldn’t forget, this was the worst time in her life for even thinking such things. She had a duty to hand him over to someone who was going to live. That that someone was Linda Fisher, as much as it chapped her ass, was neither here nor there. Taking on a new recruit, especially one as compelling and skilled as Heath, man or not, had been wrong, knowing what she knew about her own fate.

  But she couldn’t afford to tell Marty and Nina that, or they’d become suspicious. Especially seeing as Wanda’d often said how much she despised Linda. So she was going to lie. Like big. “He’s nice enough, and yes, he’s cute, but not so cute I’m losing my panties over it. Besides, wouldn’t that be like poor management on my part if I did one of my reps? Either way, the way I see it is, he’s a moneymaker and I’d be stupid to ignore his potential.” There. Very casual, very nonchalant—all about the business.