The Accidental Human

by Dakota Cassidy

  Actually, she had to stifle a yawn.

  Heath had wonked the life out of her—and it had been beyond better than even last night. She was whooped.

  And he was an ex-vampire.

  Booyah.

  CHAPTER 12

  So Heath continued with a strange glance of what some might label the reverse freak. “Okay, so here’s how this went down. Like I said, I’m a vampire,” he reiterated as though Helen Keller had possessed her momentarily, and she hadn’t heard him the first time. “You know, Dracula, fangs, blood drinking, mind control kind of vampire?”

  Uh-huh. She knew.

  He waited.

  Silence became that golden thing.

  “My sire, one of only five of the original vampires, or creators as they’re called, in the world, was killed in a logging accident. He was a logger in Oregon, driving a truck when it happened. Staked through the heart by an oncoming log in another truck and decapitated.”

  Oh, ow. Total and complete bummer. Still, she had nothing. Her eyes sought his, waiting patiently for more.

  “And that turned everyone he’d ever turned, and everyone they’d ever turned, and so on, back into humans. It was like a domino effect.”

  How bloody ironic. A tragic logging incident . . . a logger vampire. Who knew vampires did mundane things like log? Did Greg now knit? Had Keegan taken up quilting or maybe barrel rolling? An odd, fleeting thought occurred to her then. “And how do these vampires get Social Security cards to work jobs like being a logger—or a Bobbie-Sue representative, for that matter? You have one—I know you do, it’s on your Bobbie-Sue application. I thought vampires were off plotting world domination, not driving trucks in Oregon, selling makeup, and applying for Social Security.” And while she knew that was totally untrue—not all vampires wanted to wreak havoc—it sounded way good. It sounded like something someone would ask if she didn’t have a best friend for a vampire. At least that was her hope.

  Heath’s face turned bleak as he traced a pattern between her fingers. “Yeah, when I say it out loud, even I think it sounds like bullshit. And, yep, some vampires I’m sure want world domination, but most of us just wanted to live out our eternities in peace. As to the Social Security card—well, you meet some real characters in a homeless shelter. Ask around, and you’ll find there’s someone who can get you almost anything.”

  Her hand twitched in his. “And this turning into a human thing happened when?”

  “Just over six months ago. Woke up one morning in broad daylight—if you know even a little about vampires, you know the sun can be like death to us. Arch was with me in what used to be our driveway.”

  Now that did leave her puzzled. What an interesting imagination he had. “What used to be?”

  “Most of what our clan had accumulated in the way of monetary gain over the centuries wasn’t created in a way of physical, or real-world work. It was via magic—I’ve always considered that particular gift compensation for stealing my mortality.We—Arch and I—had a mini-mansion in the suburbs of Manalapan for many, many years. Then one morning, we didn’t.”

  Wanda continued to keep the serene facade, but her heart sped up. Nina had said the same thing about Greg and all the stuff he had—like his castle on Long Island. In fact, Heath felt the same way about his David Copperfield abilities that Nina said Greg did. Huh. Maybe Heath read romance novels, too? It’s where she’d gotten most of her information when Nina’d been bitten—he could have done the same. Right?

  Yet her silence didn’t daunt him even a little. He appeared determined to stick to this new life vow he’d made and cleanse himself of his secrets. “When we were all returned our mortality, we were left with the clothes on our back—and Arch’s car—which still baffles the shit out of me, but I wasn’t up to looking a gift horse in the mouth. I think it was because it was one of the few possessions we didn’t conjure up. Arch actually cashed in some old coins and physically bought the Yugo. Wheels are pretty important in this day and age—though you tend to forget that, living the lifestyle we did. And Arch, if you’re wondering about him, has been with my family forever. He was my father’s valet—or manservant, then mine since my birth.”

  “For almost two hundred years now,” she rebutted flatly. That would have put him in the Regency era. Ohhhh, she knew tons about that time in history—she’d spent plenty of late nights with rakes and noblemen. How festive—or insane—but considering what she’d been through with her friends, he wasn’t wowing her. In fact, his tale was comparatively average. Well, except for the human part of it—now that was impressive.

  “So you had nothing? You really believed you’d never have to worry about human things like money—like ever?”

  “Well, when you’ve been a vampire as long as I had and nothing ever changes, you tend to become pretty complacent. However, I did have money that had nothing to do with my magic—real money I’d invested with someone I trusted—or thought I did. But it seems when it rains it pours. Three days after Arch and I were reverted, we went to my bank and what I did have was almost completely gone—so was the person I trusted. Somewhere in the Cayman Islands, I hear.”

  What a shit wreck of bad luck. “But what about your vampire friends? Surely you couldn’t have been the only one who was smart enough to have some kind of tie to the human world—couldn’t you contact them? Ask for help?”

  “I guess I could have if I’d made many friends in my clan.There were very few people I associated with on many levels, Wanda. Unlike some, I was pretty resentful for a long time about being a vampire to begin with.”

  “And now you’re a human . . .”

  Nina was going to shit bats when she told her Heath’s tale. A whole flock of them.

  Heath’s granite face remained impassive, yet curious. He was clearly still waiting for her to flip. “Right.” His voice was hesitant while he eyed her with that infamous stare.

  “And you found out this sire guy was knocked off from who?” Because a thought had just occurred to her—if what Heath said was true, Nina was going to be soooo pissed when she found out there really was a way to get your mortality back. Oh, the fucktards that would zing over that.

  “It took about a month or so, but we eventually ran into a clan-mate who’d fared better than us. His life ma—er, wife is human, and he’d had word from some distant clan members in Oregon. Several of us, those of us without real-world attachments, anyway, are pretty much in the same predicament—sort of wandering around with no roots, no money, no homes.

  “Anyway, getting to where we are now is a long, drawn-out story, but that’s why we’ve been living at the shelter. We couldn’t get jobs anywhere, because we don’t exactly have current job skills or people just weren’t hiring—so when I saw the Bobbie-Sue ad, admittedly I was pretty unsure when I found out what I’d be doing for that three to five K per month, because it was makeup, but we had nothing left to lose. I didn’t care about anything but the cash. It motivated me to get my color wheels in gear.”

  Well, that definitely explained his drive to sell Bobbie-Sue.The strange urgency in his tone when he’d insisted he could pay her back the money for the starter kit—the deal he’d thought up to do it.

  More silence, eerie and still, fanned out between them.

  But it wasn’t because she was in shock, or freaked out—she wanted to know who’d turned him and why. With Nina it’d been an accident, her life mate, Greg, had a much different story about his turning, and it wasn’t pretty—or an accident. “So how exactly did you become a vampire?” Wanda wasn’t sure if she should come off like she was mocking him for his tale, or if she should allow him to see her genuine interest. She had to be careful with her terminology here. She was way more in the know about the paranormal, and sometimes it bled through in her conversations with humans.

  His expression grew hangdog, but his eyes never left hers. “I wasn’t exactly what you’d call a gentleman back then. I had a reputation with women I’m not particularly proud of—but
there it is. I’d left a dinner party in London, where supposedly I’d flirted with a vampire’s mistress. Apparently, a big no-no. I don’t remember it, because I was hammered. I’d had way too much to drink, and Arch was with me. Being the good servant he’s always been, he wanted to make sure I made it back home safely. Horatio, the vampire who turned me, attacked from out of nowhere, bit me, and drained me almost dry. If you drain a human, you can turn them into—”

  “Zombies—soulless creatures.”

  He cocked his head, clearly wondering how she could finish his statement.

  Crap, crap, crap. “Romance novels,” she offered in the way of explanation. “I read a lot of them. Especially paranormals.Ya know, vampires, werewolves, et cetera. Some of the stuff you’re talking about is in the books I read—you’d be surprised how much, in fact. Sorry.” She cast her eyes back down to the sheet. “Please, finish.”

  “Arch interfered to protect me, scuffled with Horatio and wound up bitten, too. If not for Arch, I’d have ended up really dead instead of undead.”

  Now she could see the reason for the attachment between the two. Or could she? Better still, should she? “So how old were you when you were, uh, bitten?”

  “Thirty-six.”

  “Wasn’t that old to be single back then?”

  “I made single an art form back then, yeah.” He didn’t look proud of it, but when she looked back up, his eyes held a sincerity she could almost touch.

  “And what about your family?”

  “Dead.”

  This was the part she always wondered about with Nina and Marty. How did you go on and on and watch the people you love die one after the other? Anyone you ever become involved with outside of your paranormal-ness you’d outlive. She put a sympathetic hand on his arm. “I’m sorry. That much I assumed—you being alive for almost two hundred years.What I meant was, what did they have to say about this vampire stuff?”

  His jaw stiffened, tension formed in the way of the bulge and twitch of his pecs. “They disowned me. They’d been on me for a long time to marry, lay off the booze, settle down. Had I stayed and anyone human found out what happened to Arch and me, they’d not only have hunted me and Arch down, but they’d have killed my family, too. Can’t say as I blame my parents much. I mean, back in the day, vampires weren’t what they are today.”

  She had to be very, very careful here. “And what are they today, Heath?” She let the tone of her voice take on a sarcastic lilt.

  But he surprised her with a grin. “No one believes in them with the kind of connotation they did back in my day—which means no one is hunting you down with torches and ropes of garlic, followed by a good dousing of holy water and a stake through the heart.” He grinned wider when he finished.

  She really shouldn’t be encouraging this conversation, but she had to know. “Are you happy being all human again?” She kept the hint of sarcasm in her tone for good measure, but if what he said was true—what a mind fuck.

  His chuckle was hearty, carefree—like now that he’d told her something most people would find absurd, he’d been left absolved, cleansed. “Yeah.Yeah, I do. Despite the hardships of the homeless shelter and my job situation. I can eat again. I’d forgotten how much I like a good meal. When I tell you food is much better nowadays than it ever was back then, you can trust me. I found I like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at Christmas when there were free samples on a counter of some store in the mall. I could eat bagfuls at a time. Beer—Christ, beer is much better in this day and age, and I knew how much I missed the sun, I just didn’t know how much I missed the sun until I could go out in it without protective measures, you know?”

  Oh, she knew. Nina bitched about it all the time, with colorful words and lewd gestures.

  If she had any other women for friends but Marty and Nina, she probably would’ve called him a lunatic and told him to shove his craziness right up his ass. But it explained a whole lot about Heath. His fancy suit—the only suit he owned. It explained his living arrangements, his complete joy at eating a stupid cheese log or a hot dog, and the Rolex he wore on his wrist. So nope, no explanation required. “Oh, well, then, okay,” she offered with as much no big deal as she could mix into her voice.

  His eyes, wide open now, said it all. “That’s it?”

  “That’s what?”

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  She pretended to be confuzzled, twisting a piece of her hair around her finger. “Well, what else do you want me to say?”

  He rolled his tongue along the inside of his cheek, his eyes growing skeptical. “Shouldn’t you be pitching a full-on hissy fit and calling me crazy?”

  She threw him a nonchalant glance. “Shouldn’t you just be glad I’m all easygoing and accept your explanation minus the histrionics?”

  Heath ruffled his hair. “I just have to ask.”

  “Hit me.”

  “Do you take some kind of medication?That you not only accept my explanation, but haven’t freaked out on me, has me worried.”

  “No meds. I just get it. Isn’t that enough?”

  “No. I don’t think it is.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because that I’m sitting in your bed, telling you I was once a vampire, should make you very afraid that I’m either psychotic or delusional, or at the very least, crazy. Oh, and I live in a homeless shelter—with my manservant.”

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

  He gawked at her. Full-on, eyes round, mouth slightly ajar. God, he had a nice mouth. Great teeth. Fresh breath. Big, girly sigh. In fact, he looked much the way she was sure she had when Marty had revealed she’d been turned into a werewolf. She couldn’t begrudge him the astonished thing—it happened, but by now, after this kind of revelation not once, but twice in her life, it was soooo passé.

  But he deserved an explanation. Here’s where her prior community acting abilities would have to come into play. She couldn’t afford to let him get even a hint that she knew just as much if not more about the vampire lifestyle than he did. “Look, here’s the thing.You shouldn’t have had to tell me anything. I had no business messing in your personal life when I went to the shelter. And when we got, well, involved, intimately last night, I decided I’d just go along for the ride—we enjoyed each other’s company. That’s enough for me. And if you think you were a vampire, but you aren’t anymore, who am I to say you weren’t?” How blasé,Wanda. Who knew you had it in you?

  Heath shook his head, chuckling deep in his throat, as if he were shaking off his disbelief. His dark blond hair wisped over his forehead, his eyes screamed a thousand questions. “If only all humans had been as easy as you—I’d have told everyone I’ve ever known over the past almost two hundred years.”

  She thought about that number for a moment. He was a young vampire—Greg was over five hundred now. “Wow. You were a young one, huh? I think the oldest vampire I’ve ever read about was like almost seven hundred years old. Damn, what was the name of that book . . . Love’s Eternal Bite. Yes! That was it. I think after seven hundred years I’d get tired of drinking blood, too.”

  “Love’s what?”

  “Forget it. It’s a romance novel. I told you I read them, and you can keep your smart remarks to yourself about it,” she said, giving him a teasing smile.

  He put a hand to her very cool cheeks. “Do you hear yourself?”

  “Uh-huh. Do you hear yourself?”

  “I do, and this is crazy.You’re crazy.”

  Wanda made a face at him. “Ahem. I’m crazy? Oh, I dunno about that. I mean, aren’t you the one who’s telling me he was once a vampire? How does my being crazy fit into that equation?”

  “Because you believe me. That’s crazy.”

  “Well, welcome to crazy, then.”

  “Care to explain?”

  Now that she’d processed some of his story, she wasn’t one hundred percent convinced his explanation was fact.While everything fit in his story, that didn’t necessarily mean it
was true. He enjoyed the simplest of foods like no other. Faint sunlight made him lift that rugged face to the sun almost immediately, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t lying.

  However, was it a totally off the wall coincidence that for the third time in her life someone was telling her they were paranormal? Yeah, it sure the hell was. But he had no proof he was once a vampire. He could call vampire all he liked now, as a supposed human, but she knew paranormal. Hell, she shopped with the real thing—she’d even seen the evidence in the form of a tail on Marty’s ass of the real thing.

  But no one knew better than she that the knowledge she had about Marty and Nina was something you just didn’t talk about to anyone but them and those you knew were like them, and she’d never risk endangering two of the people she loved most in the world to prove to anyone she was a believer in the paranormal. So no, she didn’t care to explain. Maybe she should have behaved more surprised, but her sense of “no fucking way” had been dulled by her friends’ experiences. There wasn’t much left that could rock her world.This confession was no exception. “Nope. Not any more than you cared to explain things to me.”

  He nodded like he suddenly got it. “Was that like a nah-nah-nah on you sort of thing? Like backsies?”

  “Nope.”

  “So you’re just going to skip right along as if I didn’t tell you I was once a vampire? Let me repeat, blood drinking, Dracula-like, night dweller.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “C’mon.You don’t really believe me.”

  “Oh, no. I assure you, I believe.”

  “Do not.”

  “Do.”

  “Seriously?”

  Wanda finally giggled. “What do you want? An ovary?” For all the good it would do him. “Maybe something in writing?”

  He barked a laugh. “Nope. I just want to understand.”

  Wanda tugged the comforter tighter around her. “Let’s look at this rationally. Even if I didn’t believe you, is there any way you can prove to me you were once a vampire?”