Once Upon a Wish-Mas

by Laura Barnard

  She smiles, seeming just as surprised as me.

  She beams back at me. ‘See. I am useful occasionally.’

  Ruby

  I got a text from a PTA mum this morning, shortly after finding horse girl Queenie sneaking out, asking me to be at the same address as before, tonight at 8pm. It’s obviously some kind of planned show down with Clementine.

  Whatever, I’m going and I’m ready to stand up for myself. I’m never going to see these bitches again anyway, so I couldn’t care less.

  The agency couriered the new contract over this afternoon. It’s all signed and back with them. No backing out now.

  As I approach the door, I’m half expecting them to be in black capes ready to offer me up to the pagan gods as a sacrifice. Honestly, nothing would shock me anymore.

  I try to remind myself that I’ve told Mrs Dumfy where I am, and they therefore can’t get away with my murder. I knock on the door, my hands still trembling slightly.

  ‘Ruby!’ Clarissa says, swinging the door open, already holding a glass of wine. No cape. So far so good. ‘Our guest of honour!’ She engulfs me in a hug, shocking the life out of me.

  What the hell is happening here?

  I follow her down to the basement kitchen where the others have congregated.

  ‘She’s here!’ she sings.

  I’m expecting them to turn around with pitch forks ready for my public execution. Instead they beam lipsticked smiles at me.

  I look around for Clementine, but I can’t seem to find her.

  ‘Sorry, but... why are you all smiling at me? Where is Clementine?’

  They laugh. ‘You mean you haven’t heard?’

  I shake my head. Are they messing with me?

  ‘She’s resigned from the PTA!’ Clarissa shouts triumphantly raising her wine in the air.

  My mouth almost touches the floor. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘Yes.’ They all nod, their smiles wider than I’ve ever seen them.

  ‘What the hell happened?’ I can’t even begin to process this.

  ‘Well, the police were keen to speak to all of us,’ Juliette explains. ‘Find out what happened at the parade.’

  I nod, waiting for them to continue. ‘And?’ I ask desperately.

  ‘And we all told them that we saw nothing. When the police told her they had exhausted their enquiries, and had no evidence to charge you with, she went ballistic. Asked us why we hadn’t told them the truth. None of us had an answer for her, so she threw a tantrum and said she was done with the PTA.’

  ‘Wow.’ I broke the head bitch.

  I didn’t think she’d ever leave the PTA. They’re her powerhouse, but little did I know they’ve always secretly hated her. They’re immediately more relatable to me.

  Someone hands me a glass of wine.

  ‘So, cheers to you, Ruby Campbell! Ding dong, the witch is dead!’

  Chapter 34

  Ruby

  Barclay comes in at around eleven thirty. I’ve been waiting for him in the kitchen, like a complete psycho, needing some kind of closure. Well, that’s what I decided after all the wine I’ve drunk. He comes in and spots me.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, coolly, loosening his tie, avoiding my eye line. I’m glad to see he’s not drunk.

  ‘Hey.’ I nod, avoiding eye contact.

  He grabs a water from the fridge. ‘Man, what a day.’

  ‘I bet.’ I nod again, wanting to make a bitchy comment but managing to hold my tongue. Probably had a quickie with Queenie in the toilets. ‘Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’ve accepted another job and my last day here will be Christmas Day.’

  His face drops. Obviously been planning on having a few more shags before I left. Well this fun bun is closed, jack arse.

  ‘I won’t let on to the girls until Boxing Day morning,’ I continue in a rush. ‘I don’t want to ruin their Christmas.’

  He looks sombre, his eyes suddenly weary.

  ‘They’re going to miss you terribly.’

  Yep. They’re going to miss me terribly. Not him. Not I’m going to miss you terribly.

  I nod, physical pain clutching at my throat. ‘I’m really going to miss them too.’ Shame he won’t miss me. ‘But I’ve arranged for Louise Enterland to come meet you. She’s a nanny I recommend. I’d feel happy knowing they’re being looked after by someone I know and trust.’

  He nods again. His lips press together in thought.

  ‘Okay. Sure, I’ll meet her.’

  ‘Great.’ I nod, staying professional.

  I stand, spin on my heel and walk out of the room.

  ‘Ruby?’ he calls after me.

  Damn it. Him just saying my name has my already battered heart throbbing in fresh agony. I begrudgingly turn around.

  ‘Yes?’ I meet his face. Wrinkles mar his forehead.

  ‘Am I missing something?’ he dares ask.

  I snort out a laugh. Is he fucking joking?

  ‘Excuse me?’

  He seems serious. ‘Have I done something to upset you?’

  Does he honestly think I wouldn’t mind being used and abused like that? Or maybe his bunk up buddy didn’t tell him I ran into her. He still thinks he’s getting away with it.

  I shake my head. ‘Of course not. Just trying to get this back to what it should be. A professional relationship.’

  He gulps, visibly wounded. ‘Right.’

  I turn just in time for him to miss the traitorous tears spilling from my eyes.

  Barclay

  Fuck. How could that have gone so terribly wrong? Yes, I know I shouldn’t have run away after sleeping with her and then sneaking out the next day, but I was hoping tonight we could talk about it.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about what mum said earlier. After basically doing no work and considering it all day I was going to ask her what she thought about us giving it a go. Quietly of course. I wouldn’t want the girls to know right away, not until we worked out if our relationship was going to progress and be solid. I didn’t want to raise their hopes.

  I was feeling brave until I saw her. The minute I laid eyes on her hard face I knew I was too late. She’d moved on. I thought I might at least have another week to try and win her round, but no. She’s going boxing day. Jesus.

  I know I shouldn’t have got so drunk at that work party. I should have just come home and talked to her then, not left it too late. Instead I got bladdered and can barely remember getting home.

  I need to just let her go. I’d be no good for her anyway. I’m too fucked up and she needs someone with no baggage that can give her the life she’s dreamed of. The Disney fairy tale she deserves.

  It guts me to already see how much I’ve hurt her. I can’t promise not to fuck up again and how can I even really try when I’m still so in love with Claire?

  No nanny will ever compare to Ruby. No one will love the girls as much as I know she does, but I have to look forward.

  How is it I finally find a nanny well suited to us and I go and ruin it? The girls are going to hate me forever for this. I’m going to hate myself for this.

  But it’s too late now. We had a second chance of happiness, but I had to go and ruin it.

  Christmas Eve

  Ruby

  There’s never a good time to have a broken heart, but it sucks extra hard when it’s at Christmas and you have to live with the guy. Having to put a brave face on in front of the girls is torture. Especially when I already miss them.

  I’ve already considered staying just for them again, several times, but I know that I can’t do that to myself. It would be too much of a sacrifice. To have to watch Barclay get a girlfriend, eventually marry her. Have her as my boss and a step-mum to the girls. It’s too much to consider while my heart is shattering inside my chest.

  I’m such an idiot to have fallen for him. It’s Nanny 101. Never fall for your boss. I used to laugh when nanny friends told me they had crushes on the dads. I used to find it so pathetic and strange how they couldn’t
separate their work life from their personal life. Now look at me.

  It’s always hard. We do merge our lives with the family, but I’ve never minded before. Seeing my mum lose her soul mate made me never want that kind of overpowering love that has the ability to break you. I was just happy to make the children’s lives happier and be part of a family. But now I’ve gone and screwed everything up; been shown something I want but can’t have.

  Barclay’s meeting the nanny Louise I suggested today. Thank God she agreed to the interview. I met her a few years back and she seems very loving and affectionate. The children she was looking after at the time looked at her like she was the best thing in the world. These girls only deserve the best.

  And now I’m going to cry again.

  The thought of her getting to see them grown up to be the kick arse women I know they’ll be has my eyes stinging.

  I find myself pacing outside of his office, waiting for her.

  Mrs Dumfy comes around the corner, her chin high and her eyes tight. Uh-oh.

  ‘So, you’re leaving?’ she asks, cutting the small talk and going straight to the point.

  She’s about as subtle as a brick.

  ‘Barclay told you?’

  She nods. ‘Yes and I saw your suitcases out.’

  ‘You were in my room?’ I can’t help but sound like a teenager.

  She huffs. ‘Calm down, I’m in there all the time. I do your washing, remember.’ Her stare turns pained, her skin bunching around the eyes. ‘I really thought you were going to be the one to stay.’

  I hate that she’s disappointed in me. It really is the icing on the heartbreak cake.

  ‘Look, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Me and Barclay, we have... different ideas. Things are... complicated.’

  She sighs and clenches her jaw. ‘You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?’

  Shit, how does she know that? Do I have dickhead that’s fallen for her boss tattooed across my forehead?

  She reaches out and rubs my shoulder. ‘I’ve seen the way you look at each other, when you don’t think anyone is watching.’

  So, she sees it too. It makes me feel less stupid actually, knowing she’s noticed his interest in me. It hasn’t just been me throwing myself at him all the time.

  ‘So, what’s happened to make you want to leave? And don’t give me a rubbish excuse.’

  She’s such a hard arse when she wants to be.

  I motion for her to follow me into the kitchen and sit down around the table. I don’t want Barclay to overhear me.

  ‘Look, I thought it was happening, but then he slept with that stupid horse woman, Queenie. I can forgive a lot of things, but I can’t forgive that.’

  She frowns, aghast. ‘That doesn’t sound like Barclay. He’s never cheated before.’

  Like she’d know.

  ‘Well, we’re not even together properly, so I suppose he’s a free agent,’ I shrug, trying to act cavalier. Instead my chin wobbles. ‘It’s just that I really thought we might have something.’

  She smiles, reaching across to touch my hand. ‘I know you love those girls, but do you love Barclay?’

  I force a lifeless laugh. ‘God, who knows? I’ve never been in love before.’

  Her eyes widen. ‘Never?’

  ‘Never,’ I nod. ‘I mean, I’ve only ever dated two men and it wasn’t anything special. In this job you never really have the time for a relationship. Maybe I’m incapable of loving someone.’

  She frowns. ‘Why on earth would you be incapable of loving someone?’ she asks, studying me with curious eyes. ‘You’re the most loving person I know.’

  I think back to the love my mum and dad shared. The love that basically broke her when he died.

  ‘I guess I’ve always been kind of afraid to fall for someone. To give them that sort of power over me.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  I sigh. ‘My mum and dad were madly in love. It destroyed her when he died. I don’t want that to happen to me. It’s happened to Barclay and look how it’s left him; a broken man, incapable of feelings.’

  She smiles sadly. ‘Ruby, you can’t go through life being afraid of love. Love is the greatest emotion there is.’

  I sob. ‘Then why is it that it also comes hand and hand with potential ruin and heartbreak?’

  She smiles. ‘Because, my darling, the greatest risks in life carry the biggest rewards. Do you think your mum wished she’d never met your dad? Never felt such strong love towards him if she knew she’d lose him some day?’

  I think about it. I suppose I hadn’t ever thought of it like that. I know, without a doubt, she would have taken that heartache twice over if it meant she still got those precious years with my dad.

  ‘What really is life, if we live it without love?’ she pushes.

  I think of Barclay. Do I love him? I’ve only ever thought it was a pathetic crush up until now, but I do already feel bereaved for leaving him.

  ‘I know that I love those girls,’ I say, a fresh well of emotion threatening to creep up my throat. God, I love them so much.

  ‘I know you do.’ She smiles kindly. ‘That’s why I’m shocked you’re going.’

  ‘Even after I told you he slept with that bitch, Queenie?’ I can’t help but sound hurt.

  She sighs. ‘Just think about it for a minute. Why are you so hurt that he did that?’

  Jesus, Mrs Dumfy.

  ‘Because he’s a bastard and he’s led me on. Using me as a little plaything. And worse than that he’s never asked me to stay.’

  She frowns, thinking for a moment. ‘Maybe he’s been waiting for you to offer. Barclay is an incredibly proud, stubborn man. He won’t ask for help.’

  You don’t have to tell me.

  ‘My question is, regardless of Queenie or his actions, deep down in your heart, do you love him?’

  Yes, my heart answers for me.

  It’s true. I’ve been trying to be realistic this whole time, to think with my head, but my stupid heart has fallen head over heels in love with the stupid man.

  ‘I’ve signed a contract,’ is all I can utter through the veil of tears. ‘I’m leaving.’

  ‘A contract might seem binding to you. But nothing binds you to something like the heart does. Trust me. The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.’

  Damn, Mrs Dumfy. This woman is profound.

  She stands up. ‘Just think about it.’

  She leaves me to wrestle with my own feelings. Could I put myself out there? Tell Barclay how I feel, risking the potential and likely rejection? I just don’t know if I can put myself through that.

  Chapter 35

  Ruby

  I don’t have time to consider it right now as I hear Louise emerge from his office. I quickly wipe away the tears and run to greet her in the hallway.

  I raise my eyebrows. ‘How did it go?’ I whisper so Barclay can’t hear me.

  She huffs out a breath. ‘He’s a handful,’ she says with a half-smile.

  You have no bloody idea.

  I nod. ‘He is,’ I agree. ‘The girls are worth it though.’

  One eyebrow shoots up to her eyeline. ‘That’s why you’re leaving, is it?’

  My cheeks heat up. Well she’s got me there. I obviously didn’t tell her the whole story. I didn’t know I loved the man myself until about two minutes ago.

  ‘The reason I’m leaving has nothing to do with the girls.’

  She nods. ‘The agency warned me about his reputation. I’ll give it a go, see what it’s like before I commit to a full contract.’

  Oh, that’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to say she was here to stay, regardless of how hard work Barclay is. What if the girls go through another stream of nannies? I could never forgive myself.

  I say my goodbyes and then start pacing outside his office again. I can’t work out if I want to go in or not.

  ‘Ruby?’ he calls from inside.


  I poke my head through. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Is there a reason you’re pacing in front of my office?’ The bastard has the cheek to ask, looking smug and amused. He has no right to smile. The heart breaking wanker.

  I pull the rest of my body in and fold my arms across my chest. Keep your cool, Ruby. Do not snatch his letter opener and stab him in the chest with it.

  ‘I just wanted to know how your interview went? If you think she’ll be a good fit?’

  He sighs, rubbing his forehead. ‘She’s not you, Ruby.’

  My eyes shoot up to his. Did he really just say that? What the hell does that mean? Is he giving me a compliment?

  ‘You mean she’ll follow the rules?’ I offer, trying to lighten the mood.

  He smiles sadly. If I didn’t know better, I’d think his eyes were sombre. ‘I’ve booked a table for us all tomorrow at Le Traite De Beau.’

  ‘French food?’ I can’t help but shriek. On Christmas day? Just when I think I love the man he goes and does something so utterly ridiculous.

  ‘Oh, you know it?’ he asks, impressed.

  It pisses me off that he assumes I don’t know of it. I’ve walked past it a few times and thought about the pompous arses that must eat in there. And now he wants me to be one of them. On Christmas bloody day of all days!

  ‘You can’t have French food on Christmas day! It’s supposed to be turkey.’

  He clenches his jaw. ‘Well I can’t exactly tell Marge that she can’t have Christmas day off.’

  ‘Then I’ll cook,’ I shrug. ‘Part of the fun of Christmas day is that you get back from the pub and get changed into your pjs and start playing with your toys.’

  ‘The pub?’ he shouts in disbelief. ‘On Christmas day?’

  This man really must have been born on the moon.

  I roll my eyes. ‘Yes, the bloody pub. It’s a well-known British tradition.’

  He rolls his eyes. ‘Honestly, Ruby. Bringing the girls to a pub on Christmas day. You can’t be serious.’