‘I’m deadly serious,’ I insist, leaning aggressively on one hip. Apparently, my last Christmas with the Rothchesters has to be traditional. ‘Look, just relax and let me organise it will you?
At least that way I’ll know it’ll be done right. I can’t let those girls down.
‘Okay,’ he begrudgingly agrees with tight lips. ‘I suppose I’ll indulge you, being as it’ll be your last day.’ Indulge me. What a prick.
I nod, my throat suddenly thick. ‘Think of it as my going away party,’ I manage, sounding defiant but feeling all the while like my world is falling apart.
But I don’t have time for that. Right now, I need to find a turkey on Christmas eve.
I asked Marge where the best place to get a turkey this last minute was. All she did was laugh in my face. Nice, real nice.
So, I gathered the girls and now we’re trying to park in Tesco. We tried the local Waitrose, who also laughed in our faces. But I’m thinking this is a huge Tesco, so they’re bound to have loads of them.
I hurry the girls in with a confident smile on my face.
‘We’re headed to the meat section,’ I say with a determination I’ve never heard in my own voice before.
As soon as we round the corner of the aisle, I see a man dressed in a butcher’s outfit stood in front of the desk. People are firing questions at him, but it’s easy to see from here that there’s no turkeys left. Damn it.
That’s when I have an idea. I can get a frozen turkey. I remember my mum used to get them frozen all those years ago. We run to the freezer department. I look for the poultry section and find one frozen turkey left. I look down at it in wonder. I knew it.
I grab it and lift it out of the freezer, needing both hands, but all of a sudden it is pulled away. I look up to see some old dear with a walking stick clutching on the other end of the frozen turkey. What the hell?
‘I saw it first,’ she has the audacity to say.
I bark a harsh laugh in her face. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m the one who opened the freezer. This is my turkey.’
If I have to take this old lady out I will. I’m here to save Christmas, damn it.
‘It’s mine,’ she croaks, pulling it towards her so hard I go along with it, but manage to keep a hold on its frozen body. ‘You’d do well to remember your manners and respect your elders.’
I look back at the girls, their wide eyes glued on us.
‘That doesn’t mean you let them get away with murder. I believe in justice. And justice is what’s going to get me this turkey.’ I look to the girls. ‘Call someone from the tills, girls.’
They scurry off. Damn, I really shouldn’t be sending two young girls off on their own in a crowded supermarket. What the hell am I thinking? I’m about to go after them when I feel a kick to my leg. I look down to see she’s whacked me with her walking stick. Jesus, woman! Have some self-respect.
‘How dare you hit me! That’s abuse!’ I shriek. ‘I should call the police on you.’
She laughs. ‘I’ll be long gone by then. Along with my turkey.’
The girls quickly re-appear with someone who looks like he’s already over working this nightmare shift.
‘Ah finally!’ I smile, glad we can get this sorted out.
‘Young man,’ old dear begins, ‘this yob has been abusing me, both physically and verbally since I got hold of my turkey.’
I roll my eyes. I can tell the supermarket clerk wants to too. He sighs heavily instead.
‘Come on ladies. It is Christmas. Can’t we come to some sort of arrangement?’
I huff. ‘Go back and watch the CCTV if you like. I had my hands on this turkey first.’
‘Age before beauty!’ the old lady shrieks.
‘I’m saving Christmas for these girls!’ I yell, looking to them both. Lottie’s eyes appear glassy. Shit, she’s about to cry. What the hell am I doing?
I immediately drop the turkey and go to her. I scoop her up in my arms.
‘It’s okay baby. I’m sorry I’m acting crazy.’
‘You shouldn’t have let go,’ Jessica humphs, her hands on her hips. The little fighter.
The old lady is already walking off with a smug smile. Merry Christmas you miserable old bitch. I hope you slip on a banana skin and break a hip. Shit. Where did that come from? I’ve turned into a monster.
The supermarket clerk shuffles awkwardly on his feet.
‘Look, I could get fired for this, but...’ he lowers his voice to a whisper, ‘I might know a guy you can get a turkey from.’
I almost drop Lottie in excitement.
‘Really?’ I ask, far too eagerly. ‘Who? Where?’
Chapter 36
Ruby
So that’s how I find myself waiting in a dodgy car park behind a butcher’s shop later that day. I feel like I’m doing a drug deal, not trying to purchase a turkey. He told me it would be sold for a premium, but that’s fine. I’ve been to the cash point and took out the whole limit of three hundred pounds. I’m sure he won’t want that much, but I’d rather be prepared.
A small blue fiat pulls into the car park, spins round and parks across from me. I twiddle my keys in my pocket nervously. The things I’ll do to save Christmas. Santa Claus better write me a personalised thank you letter. It’s the least I deserve.
A short stocky guy in his twenties gets out, chewing gum and carrying a black sack. Shit, he’s not going to murder me, is he? I get out of the car, trembling with trepidation.
‘You the lady after the turkey?’ he asks with a nod of his head.
Being called a lady makes me feel about sixty.
‘Yep, that’s me.’ I do an awkward wave. ‘Have you got one?’
‘Right here,’ he nods. ‘Frozen one though. Not sure if it’ll thaw out properly in time for tomorrow.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ I nod, quickly looking inside the bag. Make sure it’s not a cabbage in there. ‘How much?’
‘Two fifty.’
‘Bah!’ I balk. ‘Are you serious? For a turkey?’
He rolls his eyes. ‘A turkey on Christmas eve, love. You won’t get it anywhere else. But no skin off my nose.’ He turns to walk away.
‘No, wait! I’ll have it.’
I begrudgingly count out the cash and hand it over.
‘Ta. Merry Christmas,’ he has the cheek to say.
It’ll be a very bloody Merry Christmas for him this year, but the main thing is that I have my turkey. I’m saving Christmas. These girls are going to have a great Christmas day if it kills me.
Christmas Day
Ruby
Christmas Eve ended a lot calmer than it started. Well, after I’d called Marge and pleaded down the phone for her to tell me how to defrost a turkey. I put him in a hot bath to thaw out. I remember my mum doing it one year.
Then it was Christmas PJs, a themed story book and hot cocoa with marshmallows. I managed to busy myself with the girls and avoid any eye contact with Barclay. I hurried off to bed as soon as I put them down.
Christmas morning the girls and Barclay wake me up at 06.30. The girl’s excited squeals are the first thing I hear before Lottie’s snuggled her way into my arms and Jessica’s jumping on the bed. In fact, they’re so excited that they don’t seem to notice the partially packed suitcases on the floor.
‘Ruby, what’s this?’ Jessica asks holding up my vibrator.
My mouth drops open. I look to Barclay and find him staring at me with the biggest grin on his face.
I quickly get up and usher them out.
‘Just my... turkey baster,’ I quickly lie. Barclay barks a laugh.
‘Coffee?’
I nod. ‘Yes please.’ I’ve never needed it more.
We go into the kitchen where the huge tree is; presents from Santa adorning it. At least he got that right.
‘Can you believe how many presents we have?’ Jessica shrieks in delight, her face completely lit up.
This is what I love about them, they might be rich, but they aren�
�t spoilt.
‘It’s because you’re such good girls.’
They start ripping them open and shrieking in joy when they find out they’ve got what they wanted.
Barclay hands me a coffee. He doesn’t mention the vibrator and I’m grateful. We both watch them storming through the presents until they get to mine.
‘Ooh, this one is from you, Ruby,’ Jessica says, shaking at it excitedly.
‘Wait, Jess. Make sure you and Lottie open them at the same time. And remember, its only something small from me.’
Lottie finds her present and sits eagerly next to Jess, her gummy smile beaming up at me.
‘Go!’ I shout, watching as they rip it apart to reveal a box.
They pull out the personalised Christmas decorations I had made for them. Baubles with pictures of their mum in them. Jessica reads the back of hers out loud.
‘Jessica, always in my heart, Ruby.’
They both stop and look at me with so much love and adoration I have to stop and look away. I can’t bear seeing their devotion, knowing I’m abandoning them tomorrow.
I clear my throat. ‘Oh, let me give you yours, Barclay.’
He seems surprised as I hand over the silly present. I bought it before everything went completely tits up so I thought I might as well give it to him.
‘Wow. Thank you.’
I debated not giving him anything, but I couldn’t resist this.
‘You haven’t opened it yet,’ I grin, trying to contain my laughter. I can’t wait to see his face.
He breaks open the paper to reveal the most embarrassing Christmas jumper I could find. It actually lights up.
‘Oh my god,’ he says, his mouth completely turned into a smile.
I love getting that smile from him. It’s such a challenge, but all the more rewarding for it. Not that I get to keep it. I try to lock it into my memory.
‘You have to wear it today,’ Lottie says, clapping her hands in front of her.
He rolls his eyes but reaches behind the tree. ‘I got you something too.’
He bothered to get me a present? Or should I say, he got his assistant to buy something for me on the way home yesterday. Oh well, look pleased with the insincere box of smellies.
I unwrap the ribbon and pull the paper away to find a black photo album that has felt wording on the front spelling out Ruby’s Christmas. He’s made me a photo album?
I open it up, wondering if he’s put any photos in it. Not just one but loads greet me. All the photos I’ve What’s App’d to him over the last month. He’s even got the skating tickets stuck in. Next to some pictures Jessica has written something saying why she loved that day and how I make her feel special and loved.
My eyes fill with tears. He did this, for me.
As a farewell, I have to remind myself. He’s being nice, knowing I’m gone tomorrow; no longer his problem. But still, having something to mark my stay with them feels so special.
‘Thank you, girls, so much.’ I grab them and squeeze them for a cuddle, a few tears streaming down my cheeks.
I look to Barclay. He seems sad but doesn’t say anything. If only he’d say something. Anything at all. I’m sure I’d find a way to stay.
Barclay
She’s going. There was my chance to say how I really felt, to ask her to stay and I couldn’t. Maybe it’s for the best. Not the best for the girls, I know that, but best for me. Best for me to move on and carry on with my life without any complications of romance. Look what it’s brought me. Nothing but heartache my whole life. Some people just aren’t meant to get their happy ever after. And I’m one of them.
Chapter 37
Ruby
We came back from the pub to find my turkey was a bit burnt. Oops, turns out I totally timed it wrong. I cut off the burnt bits and still served it to their horrified faces.
‘Ruby,’ Barclay says as he swallows. ‘Why does this turkey taste like chicken?’
I frown back at him, putting a forkful in my own mouth. It’s obviously dry and burnt, but he’s right. This does taste like chicken.
‘Maybe because I burnt it?’ I offer, not really having any idea.
‘Where did you buy this from?’ he asks suspiciously.
Oh god. The girls look at each other with secret smiles.
‘Um... just at the supermarket.’
That bastard in the parking lot sold me a chicken. I paid two-hundred and fifty quid for a bloody chicken!
Lottie starts giggling. I raise my eyebrows, hoping she understands the universal look of please shut up.
‘Well, I think you bought a chicken,’ he continues. ‘You must have bought it from the wrong freezer department.’
I couldn’t feel more of an idiot.
So, we ended up eating a roast chicken dinner after all that stress. It wasn’t that bad, but I could have hit Barclay with his smug little grin. I can actually cook, it’s just that I’m not used to their oven. Anyway, the girls didn’t seem to care.
We’re all changed into our pyjamas now. Barclay tried to get out of it, but of course the girls bought him some cringe worthy Christmas pyjamas that match theirs. They’re all elves. He hates it but has let me take some photos.
The girls are playing with their toys in the living room while we sip our hot chocolates, heavily dosed with Baileys. The fire crackles, It’s a Wonderful Life on in the background. It’s a perfect moment, one that I feel I belong to deep within my soul. I have to remind myself that this is not my family. Not my man. Not my future.
I’ll learn to open up my heart again and find my own person to have a family of my own with one day. One no-one can ever take away from me. If nothing else me falling in love with Barclay has shown me that I’m capable of giving up my heart to someone. Sure, it’s gone wrong this time, but I’ll find someone I can be happy with. Happy enough.
But I know whatever my future holds I’ll always remember these girls and this moment. Oh, who am I kidding? And I’ll remember Barclay. Screwed up, confusing as fuck, sexy as sin, Barclay.
‘We didn’t get a white Christmas then,’ he says turning to look out of the window.
I shake my head. What I really want to say is that he’s just like snow, beautiful but cold.
He turns to look at me, his eyes dark.
‘You could always stay, you know,’ he whispers, so the girls can’t hear.
I nearly spit out my hot chocolate. ‘Stay?’ I shriek. He’s waiting until the night before to broach this?
‘Stay working here.’ He nods, his face serious. ‘If that’s what you want.’
He says it so detached, as if I’m just any other employee to him. If it’s what I want. What I want is for him to beg me to stay, to tell me that he wants me to stay. To stay as his equal, as his partner, not just the nanny. But I know that’s never going to happen. Not with a heart as closed off as his.
‘What do you want?’ I can’t help but ask, desperate to get a response out of him. Something, anything, to show he wants what I want, or could possibly want it one day in the future.
He looks down at his lap. ‘I just want you to be happy. Wherever that may be.’
My heart sinks.
‘Well, then thanks, but I think it’s time for me to move on.’
Boxing Day
Ruby
When I put the girls to bed last night, I couldn’t help for a few tears slip out. They asked me what was wrong, but I just said I’d had too much baileys in my hot chocolate and was feeling silly. As soon as their doors were shut, I allowed myself to burst into tears.
I practically ran to my flat and let all of the grief and despair take over. I allowed myself some time to wallow face down in my bed. But then I got organised. I packed up all my things apart from the stuff I’d need in the morning.
I barely slept a wink but did go into a deep sleep around 6am. I’m woken by the girls at 08.30. The questions are almost immediate.
‘Why are there suitcases?’
‘Where’s a
ll your stuff?’
‘Are you going somewhere?’
I look into their frightened eyes and pull them close.
‘I’m so sorry girls, but I’m leaving.’
‘Why?’ Jessica shouts, pushing me off her and standing up. She’s chosen to go with anger being her leading emotion.
‘Did we do something bad?’ Lottie asks, her eyes teary. I start crying again.
‘Of course, you haven’t,’ I say between sobs. ‘You’re the best girls in the world.’
‘She’s lying!’ Jessica shouts to Lottie, her arms crossed over her chest. ‘If we were the best girls in the world, she wouldn’t be leaving us, just like the rest of them did.’ She sits to turn away from me.
My heart shatters all the more. This is why it’s so hard. The girls don’t deserve this. They deserve the world.
‘Is it because of Daddy?’ Lottie asks clinging onto my pyjama top. She’s turning back into the clingy koala bear I met when I first arrived. All my hard work has disappeared in seconds. ‘Is it?’
Jeez, what a loaded question. Especially from a three-year-old.
‘No. I just have to go.’ I sniff, deciding it’s easier for them to be angry at me. ‘There’s some boys and girls out there that need me more. You’ve got your daddy and he loves you more than anything.’
Jessica crosses her arms across her chest.
‘Come on, Lottie. Let’s go upstairs. We need to get used to being without her.’
Ouch.
Lottie looks at me sadly before turning and following her out of the room. I throw my head down onto my pillow and sob.
Barclay
Seeing the girls faces and hearing them cry was too much. I was expecting it, sure, but trying to comfort them while attempting to hold my own heart together is too much for me to bear. I excuse myself from the girls and go for a walk, knowing she’ll be leaving soon.
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