This is when I should be there for the girls, but I can barely keep it together myself. I’ll be no good to them until I can get my head on straight.
I walk past the shops and carry on until I stop in front of Hole of Glory. The doughnut place Ruby took the girls after Jessica’s nativity. It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since. So much that has changed forever.
What the hell am I doing? When Claire died, I told myself that I’d never experience love again. And here I am, being offered it by someone who is not only adored by my daughters but someone that lights that spark in my chest again. The one I thought died long ago with Claire.
I can live with the guilt, the guilt of being happy when Claire isn’t around to see it, if it means the chance of some happiness. She’d want me to be happy to fight for her. At that very second a feather falls in front of me. I look around to see where it came from, but there’s nothing around. I look above. Is that you Claire? Giving me your blessing? A snowflake drops on my nose, followed by several more. Somehow, I know it’s a sign.
I’m stopping her. I’m telling her she’s mine and she’s not going anywhere.
I just have to pop into one more shop first.
Chapter 38
Ruby
I can’t believe Barclay isn’t here to say goodbye to me. It hardens my heart just enough to make leaving bearable. Thankfully Marge and Mrs Dumfy are here for the girls.
Jessica is still angry with me, but I can see from her reddened eyes she’s been crying. I bend down and sit on my knees in front of her. She refuses to look me in the eye.
‘Jessica, I know you’re angry with me right now, but eventually you’ll see that this is for the best. I promise you your new nanny is lovely. I used to work near her, and I chose her specifically because I know she’ll love you just as hard as I have.’
‘If you love me so much, why are you going?’ she challenges, her chin high in defiance.
I burst into tears. I can’t help it. I love these girls. Seeing Jessica’s guard back up has made me lose it. I so wanted to be strong in front of them.
‘Baby, I wish more than anything in the world that I could stay. That I could give up my life for you both, but I know that I can’t. I have to be selfish for the first time in my life. Just know that it’s killing me to do it to you.’
Lottie throws her arms around me and I laugh through my tears.
‘I’m going to miss these cuddles.’ I press her squidgy cheek against mine and squeeze her so hard I worry I’ll hurt her. I close my eyes and try to embed her smell into my memory.
I look to Jessica. ‘I know you’re upset, but you might regret not saying goodbye properly later.’
A single tear falls down her porcelain face. She moves Lottie over and puts herself into the group hug.
‘I love you, Ruby.’
I squeeze her hard, my chest shaking from my sobs. ‘I love you both so much.’
‘See you later alligator,’ Jessica says. It nearly breaks my heart straight in half.
‘In a while, crocodile,’ I choke out.
I force myself to pull away and smile at Mrs Dumfy through the tears.
‘Thanks for everything. Please look after them for me.’
She smiles back. ‘I will. I feel like I never stopped looking after Barclay.’
I sniff, confused. ‘What do you mean?’
She smiles as if she’s been hiding a secret. ‘I mean I was his nanny when he was younger. At least, I was the one who stuck around. Been looking out for the man since.’
No way. Mrs Dumfy was the amazing nanny Barclay talked about? That actually makes a lot of sense. The way he trusts her so implicitly. I thought it was just because she’d been working for them a while, but all along she’s been his constant. She stayed.
‘I’m so sorry I can’t stay,’ I say with a deep, chest aching sob.
She pulls me into a hug, patting me on the back. I pull myself away, wanting to at least appear slightly strong in front of the girls. I give Marge a quick squeeze. I turn and lug my suitcases down the stairs towards the waiting car. A snowflake falls in front of me. I smile up at the sky. At least they got one of their wishes. It’s going to snow.
The girls stand with Mrs Dumfy on the doorstep, tears streaming down their faces, not even excited at the snow settling on the pavement. I take one final look at what I’m leaving behind before getting in the car and telling him to drive away as fast as he can.
Barclay
I turn the corner to see a car pulling away. I walk faster to see the girls crying at the door. Shit, I’ve missed her. I run, shouting after the car, skidding on the already snow covered road, but it’s already too far away.
I turn, my head in my hands, to see the girls depressed faces.
I walk up the steps. ‘She left early?’
Mrs Dumfy doesn’t even answer me, she just turns and disappears in disgust. I’ve let her down. My own nanny, the only nanny that I’ve ever really trusted, being so disappointed in me, has my gut twisting.
‘She’s gone, Daddy,’ Charlotte says through snot bubbles.
‘She’s gone and it’s all your fault,’ Jessica snaps, hitting me in the stomach.
‘I know, I know sweetheart,’ I admit, taking the punches. I know I deserve them.
I get my phone out and dial her number. It rings behind us in the hallway. She left her work phone. Shit, I don’t have her other number.
‘I’m going after her,’ I announce, searching the street for my car. I can’t remember the last time I drove it.
‘Yes!’ Charlotte yells, punching the air.
‘We’re going after her,’ Jessica informs me, her face lit up with determination.
I find my keys and eventually the car. The girls get in behind me and plug in their seat belts.
‘Hold on girls. I’m going to try and cut them off.’
I know she’s headed for the airport, but which one? London City? Heathrow? There are a few different ways there, but I’m really hoping the driver goes with the route I have in my head. If I speed and break every speeding law out there, I should be able to cut them off.
The girls squeal in delight as I turn corners like a mad man, completely unsafe in this snow, all the while hoping and praying that it’s not too late. I’m not too late. That I haven’t lost Ruby forever.
I pull out without looking and a car screeches to a stop behind me. I turn to see it’s my usual driver. I’ve done it. I’ve stopped her car.
‘You two, stay in the car. Do you understand?’ I shout. ‘Under no circumstances leave this car.’
‘Yes, Daddy,’ they both say quickly.
I run out of the car just as she’s stepping out, obviously wondering what’s happening.
Ruby stares at me. ‘Barclay?’ she utters in disbelief. ‘What the hell are you doing?’
‘I can’t believe you left,’ I blurt out, walking towards her, so agitated I’m barely able to say anything else. My blood is singing in my veins.
Her already wet eyes pour fresh tears. ‘You never asked me to stay.’
I take a deep breath. ‘Well I know I’m late, but please, stay,’ I beg, all pride out of the window.
‘What?’ She starts walking towards me, like an angel surrounded by falling snow.
‘Stay. Don’t go. The girls need you,’ I blurt out, hoping to God it’s not too late.
She smiles sadly, stopping in front of me. ‘I’m sorry, but that’s not enough for me.’
Shit, she thinks I just want her as the nanny.
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘You don’t understand.’ I take her hands in mine. ‘Don’t stay as the nanny, stay as my wife.’
Her eyes widen to twice the size. ‘Your wife?’
I squeeze her hands with my own sweaty palms. ‘Look, I know I’m shit at this, but I’m in love with you.’
Her wide eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. ‘What? How can you say that when you slept with Queenie the very next night after we
were together? People in love don’t do that, Barclay.’
‘Queenie?’ I shout. ‘What the hell are you talking about? Nothing happened with Queenie.’
She rolls her eyes, dropping my hands. ‘Barclay, I caught her sneaking out the very next morning. She asked me if I could be discreet. Don’t try and bullshit me.’
Queenie asked her to be discreet. That damn bitch made it look like something had happened.
‘Ruby, I swear on the girl’s lives, nothing happened with Queenie. She put me to bed because I was so ridiculously drunk, trying to run from my feelings for you. Nothing’s happened with anyone since you’ve become the one person in my life I can’t live without. You’re the only mother I want for my kids, the only woman I trust with my battered and bruised, fucked up heart.’
She smiles, her eyes glassy. ‘Seriously?’
‘Seriously.’ I nod, wrapping my arms around her waist. ‘Yes, you might annoy me more than anyone ever has, but I want to spend every bothersome minute with you, for the rest of my life.’
She raises her eyebrows, but she can’t hide that giant smile from me.
‘Say yes!’ We both turn to see the girls, having taken the sunroof down, jumping up and down on the leather seats.
We both laugh. Of course, they want to be involved.
‘But...’ I start.
‘But?’ Yeah, it’s hardly the type of thing you want to hear from a man wanting to marry you.
I take a deep breath, needing all doubts to be squashed. ‘But only stay if you love me too. I don’t want you to stay for the girls or because you pity me. I want you to stay for me and you. Even though I can act like a right dick sometimes.’
She grins. ‘You do, but I’m pretty sure I love you anyway.’
She throws herself into my arms.
I kiss her like my life depends on it, like she is truly leaving, and this is the last thing I give her to remember me by.
The girls are doing a victory dance behind us while other cars beep their horns in annoyance. I couldn’t care less. Time has stopped for me. Everything ends with Ruby.
I take the small velvet box out of my inner coat pocket, remove the ruby engagement ring and slide it onto her finger. It fits perfectly. I kiss her ring finger.
‘You’re mine now. You’re not going anywhere without me ever again.’
‘Thank God.’ She presses her lips onto mine.
With the girls going crazy and the horns getting longer I can’t help but dramatically dip her for a kiss for all to see.
She breaks the kiss to smile up at me. ‘I finally got the family I always wanted.’
I can’t hide the grin from my face. ‘Really?’
She nods. ‘It was my Christmas wish. My wish-mas come true.’
Epilogue
18 months later
Ruby
I pin the last of the washing up on the line, baby George asleep in my sling. I wave over at the girls sat on a blanket on the grass blowing bubbles. Life has changed a lot in the last year and a half. Ever since that Christmas that I went to live with the Rothchesters.
We had a long chat that Christmas and decided to sell up and buy in the suburbs. We’re now in Bagshot, Surrey. Still within an hour commute of London but embracing the relaxing village life.
I insisted on putting my savings into the sale, much to his annoyance. Why change the habit of a lifetime? He couldn’t believe how much I’d saved over the years.
I look lovingly at the four bedroom detached character property we ended up buying. It’s on the most beautiful corner plot in a quiet cul-de-sac with the most charming Aga in the kitchen, brick open fireplace in the sitting room.
But the thing that really sealed the deal for us was the garden. With it being a corner plot its huge, actually a third of an acre, with more than enough room for our vegetable garden. It’s also so enclosed by mature shrubs and trees that you feel like you’re completely private.
The girls have settled in so well to their new school and made loads of friends. I have too, with the help of little George being a great conversation starter. Talking of the little devil, he decided to make an appearance on that pregnancy test only a few short weeks after Christmas. That one unprotected night. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant, with me taking my pill religiously, but it seemed that the gods had decided regardless of me leaving, I would always be bound to this man.
It made us take stock of what we wanted. Within a month we’d decided to move and delay the wedding. I couldn’t cope with all that stress together. We’re planning a small garden wedding next year.
Barclay stood up to his dad and resigned. He now works from home as a freelance event planner. He’s in London two to three days a week and it seems to be the perfect work/home balance for us. With no huge mortgage hanging over his head he’s a completely changed person, only taking on events he wants. He’s done a lot for non-profit charities.
His relationship with his father all but ended when he announced he was leaving the company and striking out on his own. Luckily his mum, Freda, is a constant visitor. She even insisted we got a sofa bed in the lounge so she could stay over. Rough it she called.
Mrs Dumfy decided to move with us and bought a little maisonette a few roads away. The girls were over the moon. She still helps with cleaning three times a week, but more than anything she’s a member of our family. Even if she does still insist we call her Mrs Dumfy. She’s been dating a local man for the past six months and seems very happy. I bet she doesn’t get him to call her Mrs Dumfy.
Well, Barclay’s still the pig-headed stubborn man I fell in love with, but he’s a lot calmer. Or maybe he’s just got used to me, who knows. All I know is that I’m happy and I got my Christmas wish; a family of my own.
THE END
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Acknowledgments
Firstly, thank you so much for reading my book! I would absolutely love if you’d take the time to write a quick review on amazon/goodreads. They really do help us spread the word.
I’d like to thank my long-suffering husband, who by now should be used to talking to me and me just saying yeah while completely engulfed in a work in progress.
What can I say about my Mum? Well, the poor woman keeps me alive! If it wasn’t for her coming round, helping with all of the housework and feeding me I don’t know where I’d be. Probably dead!
To my auntie Mad, your continued love and faith means the world to me. Knowing you always have my back is such a safe feeling.
To my Barn-Hards! I love our group. It’s a safe place I can go to moan, post a hilarious and inappropriate meme and get the encouragement or kick up the arse I sometimes need. You ladies work so hard to help spread the word and I treasure each and every one of you. Big shout out to Vicki Roberts for coming up with the beautiful name of the book.
Massive thanks to the bloggers and bookstagrammers that have helped spread the news, whether it be in a cover reveal or a full review. You guys take the time out of your day to help make my dreams come true. It means so much that you’d help little old me.
To my Indie Girls support group – you girls are like a loyal sister hood. I’m never embarrassed to act a tit and ask a question I’m sure sounds stupid. Without your joint knowledge I know I’d be way behind with all of this marketing jazz we have to do.
Tammy Clarke – thank god you were introduced to me through Andie M Long. The cover for this is a one of a kind thanks to you. You know what I want even before I know myself! Your formatting is also super quick and thanks for not whinging about my constant changes.
Bare Naked Words – Thank you for taking me on at one of your busiest times of year and holding my needy hand while I asked a million questions and generally panicked all around you.
Anna Bloom you beautiful woman! Thank you for your editing genius and for telling me off for all of those adverbs ;-) I�
��m sorry I made you cry twice. I lie – give me your tears! But seriously, your comments helped shape the book.
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Once Upon a Wish-Mas Page 21