by JA Huss
She looks out the window at the lights of Boulder up ahead. I expected a little more confidence from her, but lying doesn’t gain you trust. And even though all that stuff I just said was true, the lies are buried underneath them. I hate lying to her. Especially about JD. But I have no choice because he knows. If Lanie is dead—and she most definitely is—then I’ve been played. And the people playing me are playing him right now too.
“Where are we going?” Blue asks as I turn onto a street that takes us back out of town, but in a different direction than the one we came from.
“My office,” I answer.
“Oh,” she says softly. Like I’ve disappointed her again.
We drive for ten more minutes before the industrial park where I rent space comes into view.
“You own a warehouse?” she asks, as we pull into the garage after the door rolls up.
I hit the button on the keychain remote and the door closes behind us, the only light in the whole place coming from the green glow of the dashboard. “I do.” I turn the engine off and the place goes dark. “Stay here until I hit the lights.” She says nothing to that, just sits as I get out and feel my way over to the wall and hit the switch.
The whole place flickers to life as I walk back over to the car and open Blue’s door.
“What do you keep here?” she asks as she accepts my hand and gets out. “Besides cars, obviously.”
I have several vehicles. A panel van. Another Jeep, this one very well-equipped. And a little Mazda, for speed.
“Servers. For the business. You can’t just put porn on a regular web host. They won’t let you. So I bought this building and filled it with servers so we can be our own web hosts. Ray does it too, but he keeps his servers in his Denver building. I wanted ours to be removed from where we live. I didn’t want anyone to know where they were.”
“Why not?”
“Attacks,” I explain, as I lead her up the stairs to the living area. “People are always trying to shut Ray down. We do it all by the book, Blue. It’s one hundred percent legal.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
Her accusatory tone hurts more than I’d like to admit. And why should she be on board with what we do? She was held against her will by a pervert who takes pleasure from enslaving girls as baby breeders. It’s not really the same. But it’s not really different either.
“I know that,” I reply. “I do. I just got caught up in the money and the success. But I’ve got my head on straight now. I swear.”
“How often do you come here?” she asks, walking around the apartment, touching the leather couch, tracing a finger along the granite countertop in the kitchen. “It’s pretty nice for an office.”
And here we go. Lie number one, starting from the top. “I don’t go out of town, Blue. So those trips you thought I was on? I was here. Working on the servers and coordinating contracts with other producers.”
“I thought it was JD’s job to get the producers?” She takes a seat on the couch and leans into the plush, overstuffed arm, bringing her feet up and tucking her hands under her cheek, like she’s exhausted and might fall asleep at any moment.
I sit down on the opposite end of the couch, not quite sure if she wants me close or not. “He gets clients. But only the smalltime ones. He has no idea how big we really are.”
“Because you lie to him?”
I don’t know why I’m shocked at her audacity, but I am. “Yeah,” I answer truthfully. “I lie to him. I lie to Ray. I lie to you. I even lie to me.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for the existential struggle you wrestle with over being the bad guy?”
OK. Right to the chase. “It’d be nice if you did.”
“Why should I? If you’re just a liar who sells sex?”
“Because I’m asking you to trust me.”
“And what about JD? Am I supposed to just forget that I love him? Have you forgotten already that you love him?”
“No, Blue.” I scoot over next to her and place a hand on her shoulder. She’s still all wrapped up in her winter coat, so I can’t get much of a connection. But I need her to understand this part, at least. “Not at all. I’m never going to stop loving JD. And you know, I’d love for all of this tonight to be a misunderstanding.” I let out a long exhale, hating myself for what I have to say next. Hating myself for the lies I have to tell her right now. “I’d love for him to tell me he was making that shit up. That he didn’t sell those films to the assholes who took his kid. Took your best friend and her baby. I don’t want this to end. At all. That’s part of my problem, Blue. I like this life. A lot. OK? I know making and distributing porn isn’t the classiest of jobs, but Ray makes it work. Ray’s a good guy, you know? I love him too. He’s like a father to me. Not everything about this business is bad. Not all of it is dirty.”
“But it’s all tainted.”
“Jesus Christ, OK, yeah, I get it. It’s filled with lowlifes. But—” I stop. Am I really going to defend porn as a way out? I mean, sure, some girls use it that way. Some make money, leave, go to school or whatever. Use it to create an opportunity for a better life. But most don’t. Most get stuck in it. Addicted to the money, or drugs, or even the sex. The lifestyle. Most never get out until they’re forced out because of diseases, or age, or addiction. “Look, I’m not going to defend what I do, and I’m not going to defend the fact that I could live like this indefinitely. I’ve made tens of millions of dollars in a couple of years. It’s not a bad way to pass the time.”
She lets out a long sigh.
“What?” I ask.
She’s quiet for a few seconds and I try my best to be patient and let her think. “I want to believe you,” she finally says. “I really do.” And then she sits up and turns towards me, looking me straight in the face. “I love you. But I love him too. We’re three, Ark. We’re three and you just bailed out on that without even blinking. I can’t walk out on that. Not without a conversation.”
“I get it, but—”
She puts her hand up to stop me. “Just listen to me for once. I’m allowed to have an opinion, Ark.”
“Of course you are.”
“I need to see him. I need to hear his side. You two started this relationship with me. You got me all invested. I don’t fault him for the rough stuff. I know it means I’m sick—”
I reach for her, because filling her with shame about that was never my intention. “Blue, if you really like it like that, it’s fine. But I don’t think you do. I think you’re fucked up from the past year and a half of psychological sex games.’
“I know,” she says quickly. “I realize that it’s all tainted by my experiences. But my point is, it’s not JD’s fault for giving me what I asked for. Even if what I asked for wasn’t good for me. And you know what? Maybe JD’s way wasn’t the right way. But at least he was in the game.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You never touch me unless he’s there. When you’re gone, JD can’t get enough of me. And you never want more. He jokes and laughs. He smiles and makes me smile. And maybe it’s not fair to compare the two of you, but Ark… he makes me feel loved.”
I’m blown away. “You’ve got to be kidding me. After all the shit he’s done?”
“He’s in the game. You’re avoiding it whenever you can.”
“I’m the one who’s here! I’m the one who’s trying to protect you!”
“I know. That’s all you do. Protect me. It’s like… it’s like I’m your job and not your girlfriend.”
I laugh at that one. I scrub my hand down my face and laugh.
“You’ve never had sex with me alone. Ever.”
“We’re a threesome!”
“So now you want to be a threesome? But five minutes ago you were ready to walk away from JD and never look back?”
“It’s not that simple—”
“It is that simple.” She stands up and begins to untie her coat. “May I use your bathroom?”
And I guess she’s right. It is that simple. Because just like that, she shuts me down.
The hot water washes over me as I struggle with what I’m trying to come to terms with tonight. Ark brought me here to save me from JD. Why do I have such a problem with that?
I run things through my head as the steam gathers in the shower and that takes me back to that first day when we were in the tub together. Ark left to take a phone call. JD stayed and held me.
Ark was all business back then, just like he is now. Logical. Calculating. Always keeping things at arm’s length.
JD is messy emotions and heartfelt declarations. He’s easy-going and friendly. And if you asked me on day one which one would hurt me more—the one who wants to slap my face as I suck his dick, or the one who wants to protect me and keep me safe—I’d never have guessed that Ark would have such power to destroy me.
Because JD might be fucked up, but I understood what he wanted. JD shared with me. Not with words. He never told me his story with words. But he told me his story with sex.
Is that wrong?
I shut the water off and wrap a towel around myself. I don’t know if Ark brought me clothes, but I figure the ones I had on are good enough, even if he did. So I put my jeans and t-shirt back on and walk back out to the living room.
Ark is still sitting on the couch, staring at me, when I walk in. He’s got his leg crossed over his knee and one hand over his mouth, cupping his chin. It’s a gesture that defines how different he is from JD. Because that gesture says, How much do I tell you? How deep do I let you into my life?
“You know what your problem is?” I ask him, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch where I was earlier.
He shoots me a perplexed look. “What?”
“Your problem is that you’re not invested.”
He laughs. “Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s the difference between you and JD. You’ve never checked in, Ark. You never asked for the room key. You never made yourself at home.”
“How do you figure? I have done nothing but help you. Nothing but support you—”
“You’re right,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve done nothing else. Because you’re not invested. I’m some kind of project to you. Or a means to an end. Or, I don’t know, a distraction.”
“A distraction?” he asks with one eyebrow raised. “You must be fucking with me. Because you, Blue, are the whole reason I’m checking out.” And then he laughs.
“I don’t even know what that means. What are you checking out of?”
“You’re the one who wants me to check in. You tell me.”
“I’m talking about this relationship we have. What the fuck are you taking about?”
That catches him off guard because his eyes widen and he sits back a little. And this is when I realize something.
He’s lying.
Ark is lying.
I stand up, but he’s got my wrist. “Please, don’t,” he says, pulling me back to the couch. “Please don’t walk away. Because I won’t be able to follow you, Blue. I won’t be able to give you what you’re looking for right now.”
“What do you think I’m looking for? I’d really like to know, because I honestly have no idea.”
“Answers,” he says, pulling me closer to him. “You want answers I can’t give. But I can give you reassurance, Blue.” He lifts me up and places me in his lap. “I can’t tell you things. But I can show you how I feel about you.”
“Why now, though? Why wait until it’s almost too late to show me? Why haven’t you shown me this all these weeks?”
“Is this because I won’t fuck you without JD?”
“That’s part of it. It makes me think you’re only in the relationship for him.”
Ark laughs. “Blue, I’m not gay. I don’t want to fuck JD. I don’t want JD to fuck me. I like watching him fuck you. I like him watching me fuck you. I like him to suck my dick and kiss my mouth. I like his hands on my balls as I pound you from below. I like how he licks your clit when I have you spread open. That moment, when I’m fucking you in the ass, and we’re waiting for JD to put it in your pussy. But then he leans down and licks you. And when he does that, Blue, he cups my balls and slides his tongue up my shaft. And fuck, I cannot get enough of that. But it’s because of you, baby. The reason I love it is because of you. If you’re not there, I’m not interested.”
“And if he’s not there, you’re not interested in me either?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“I realize that, Ark. But that’s how you act. When we’re alone together you want to take pictures of me. Or talk about going out on a date. Or you talk about JD. Where’s the part where you get invested in me?”
He lays me down in his lap and places his hand on my belly. It makes me think of families. Of the family I will never have. It makes me feel sad, and he sees this because he stares into my eyes. “I want you to be there after, Blue. When this life I’m living right now is over. When things are normal, and the filth of what I’m doing is finally washed away. I want you to be there after. I want to marry you, and be your best friend, and make love to you so that it’s so much more than fucking. I want to take you out on dates and not have to worry about the people who might take you away from me. I want kids—” My face must crumple, because he leans down to kiss my lips, whispering, “We can adopt, baby. So don’t worry about it. We can adopt.”
I nod as the tears appear.
“I want all those things that couples have, Blue. The trinity is fun, but it’s not sustainable. Not everything should come in threes. And all the shit I’ve done since the moment I met you was to make sure that when this fun runs out and there’s only two of us left, it will be you and me, babe.”
I swallow hard. “And what about JD?”
Ark sighs with a shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe this threesome stuff lasts for years. Maybe tonight is a big misunderstanding. Maybe we’re all gonna go home tomorrow and make up. We’ll fuck till we’re sore and sleep till we’re refreshed, and eat and laugh, and do all the things we’ve been doing these past two months. And maybe we make it for a long time. But one day, Blue, he’s gonna want more. I know him better than anyone alive. And when he does decide he wants more, that he wants you without the us, he will ruin everything. Because he cannot have you. I saw you first.”
I bite my lip and close my eyes. “How can you say he’ll ruin everything because he wants more in one breath, and claim me like property in the next? You’re such a hypocrite.”
“Do you want him?” Ark asks. “Instead of me? Because if you do, say so. I’ll back off. But if you don’t, if you want us, or even just me, then you need to trust me. Because I know him better than anyone. I know all the dark places inside his head. You see the charming smile and the playful side—”
“I see a hell of a lot more than that.”
“Thanks for reminding me, Blue.” Ark snarls that last comment. “What you see is the act. I know the truth.”
“Then tell me what it is.”
But he’s shaking his head before I can finish the sentence. “It’s not mine to tell.”
“Oh, my God. I can’t win with you. You want me to know these bad things about JD, but you don’t want to be the one to tell me. You want the three of us to be together, but only under your conditions. You make no sense to me. I just want us to be perfect. I just want us to be together.”
“We are together, Blue. He’s the one who left.”
“Maybe he calmed down. Maybe he came back. Maybe he’s just angry about your accusations, because you know what, I’m angry about your accusations. You act like we don’t have a say in what’s normal. You act like we’re the sick ones and you’re the only sane person present. You act like there’s only one way to exist in this relationship. And I’d just like to know, Ark, who the fuck made you the expert in ménages à trois?”
“OK,” he says. “I think we need to take a break. Eat dinner. Watc
h some TV. Or something. Stop this conversation before it gets worse. Because we obviously don’t see things the same way.”
“You’re hiding something from me. I told you why I was here. I gave up my secret. I bared my soul to you. I told you things I will never repeat again. Ever, Ark. When I finally do go home, no one will ever hear that story. You are the only one I told. And yet I know for a fact that you’re keeping secrets. And probably outright lying to me.”
He closes his eyes and lets out a breath of air. “I didn’t really lie.”
“Well, leaving shit out on purpose is the same thing. You’re right. We need to stop talking because I’ve had enough and if we keep this going, I’m going to do something I regret.”
He shoots me a hard look, his eyes narrow and his forehead creased. His jaw clenches like he’s trying to control himself.
But then he gets up and walks over to the small kitchen and pulls the refrigerator door open. He closes it again, holding two beers in his hand. “Blue Moon or Blue Moon?” he asks me, twisting the caps off and handing one to me as he walks over.
I take it. Take a sip. Then another. And let the alcohol warm me for a moment.
Ark puts a hand on my shoulder. “Look, I’m not trying to manipulate you here, Blue. I’m doing my best to be authentic.”
“What does that even mean?”
He takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him. “Come on, just relax for a second.”
I scoot over and accept the offer, but I’m not done with this discussion. Because everything he’s saying points to lies. Like he knows he’s about to get caught in something and he’s trying not to lie, but not telling the whole story at the same time.
It scares me. Because I’ve trusted this man with a lot of shit, and right now I feel like the clueless kid in school who is always last to get the joke.
“Let’s just take a night, OK? One night away from JD. Let him have his space and do his thing. And if he was all talk, fine. We’ll work it out.”
Bu it’s what Ark doesn’t say that scares the shit out of me. “What if he isn’t all talk? What if he does something?”