Black Number Four

by Kandi Steiner

No.

  No, no, no!

  Erin isn’t smiling, she isn’t gloating, her eyes are hollow and sad, but I know what she’s done. Kip swallows hard before turning and making his way quickly through the crowd. I call out after him, my voice shaky in my throat but he ignores me and walks fast until I can’t find him in the crowd anymore.

  I feel it, the same ache from the Valentine’s Day dance. It’s building in the pit of my stomach, climbing up through my throat, pounding in my ears. I storm over to Erin, tears stinging my cheeks as I try to rein myself in. “What did you do?! What did you tell him?!”

  She swallows, but holds her head high, her chest back. “I told him about our deal, about everything. He needed to know, Little. It wasn’t fair for him to think what you have is real.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?! Why would you do this to me?!” I scream the words at her, not caring if we’re causing a scene. The tears come rapidly now and I don’t even bother wiping them away. “What we have is real, Erin. I’ve never felt anything more real in my life. It was real before I knew you dated him that summer and it was real the whole time I was trying to play your stupid game,” I spit the words at her, my body hot despite the shivering.

  Her eyes soften and I see the tears gather in them, but they don’t fall. “He needed to know,” she repeats, just above a whisper.

  I shake my head, backing away. “I hate you. How dare you call yourself my Big. A Big is someone who loves their Little, sets an example for them, cares for them, guides them.” I shake my head, disgusted. “All you did was use me.” She flinches at my words and I immediately regret them, but refuse to take them back. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

  Turning, I race toward my room, tearing through the crowd and ignoring the hands reaching out to stop me. When I find the elevator, I push the button repeatedly as arms wrap around me from behind. I thrash wildly, but they hold me tight, a calm voice soothing me.

  “Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, Sky. I’m here.”

  I recognize Adam’s voice and stop fighting, letting him keep his arms around me until the door of the elevator opens. He lets me loose and we both climb in. When we reach my floor, Adam follows me to my room and as I fall face first onto my bed, my face buried in my arms, he sighs, sitting on the bed next to me. Slowly, he places his hand on my back.

  “Are you okay?”

  I don’t answer, but the tears come harder now and I feel all the breath I had left leave me as the weight of everything crashes in like the harsh waves of a hurricane.

  It’s the definition of a bad beat. I had it, all the cards were in my hand, I had everything under control, and then WHAM! I lost it on the last card, the one I wasn’t expecting, the one that wasn’t supposed to happen, the one I could never prepare for.

  Adam curses under his breath. “I know, stupid question. I’m here, Skyler. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  As much as I wish his words comforted me, they only make me ache more. Adam is my friend, but he’s not Kip. And Kip is the only person I want right now.

  There’s a soft click of the room key sliding in and out of the door before it opens slowly. “What are you doing here?” I hear my Little’s voice ask.

  Adam swallows. “I just came to check on her.”

  “Of course you did,” Cassie murmurs and I roll over, leaning up on my elbow to face her. Her eyes are locked on Adam’s, her face just as furious as Kip’s was just moments ago. I eye her questioningly, but she doesn’t glance my way. “Can you leave us alone, please?”

  For a moment, I think she might be talking to me, but Adam slowly moves from the bed toward the door. He looks back at me, offering a sad smile before Cassie rolls her eyes and pushes him the rest of the way out. She turns to me and I wait for her eyes to go soft, for her to pull me into a hug, but she doesn’t.

  “What the hell are you doing, Skyler?”

  My face drains. “Me?”

  “Yes.” She huffs. “You. What the hell are you doing?”

  “Um, I think you’re confused. Did you not just see what happened?” I feel myself growing defensive, unsure of where she’s coming from.

  “Yeah, I did. Erin blew your secret. The one you should have revealed to Kip two months ago.” Her words hit me hard and I go to respond, but nothing leaves my lips. She’s right, but I don’t want her to be. She rolls her eyes, stomping over to the closet and kicking off her wedges. “And, of course, you let Adam follow you back here. You let him pick up the pieces and you messed with his head. Again.”

  Whoa. Wait a second.

  “Little, I’m not messing with Adam’s head,” I say, standing and wiping the tears from my face. The ache in my stomach is slowly turning to a nervous pit as I stand up to my Little. We’ve never fought before, and I have no idea what is going on right now.

  “Are you serious? Are you really that blind?” She scoffs, shaking her head. “Of course you are. You’ve been so caught up in this stupid game that you haven’t even seen how you’re affecting the people around you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Adam!” She yells, her chest heaving. “Me! Erin! The girls! Kip!” Her eyes are wild, her breaths ragged. “You think this is all about you? I care about Adam, Big. I like him. And maybe he could let himself like me if you would stop toying him around!”

  “I thought you liked Kade?” I ask, confused.

  Cassie rolls her eyes again. “I used Kade as a code name for Adam. Everything I’ve said to you about Kade has been about Adam. I was waiting to tell you once you figured out all your shit with Kip. But then you dragged him back into your stupid game and we took ten steps backward. I’ve been trying to get us back on the right track and, until tonight, I thought I was close. But I’m sure now you’re going to use him to get back at Kip or something and, once again, I’ll be put on the backburner.”

  I stare at my Little, disbelief laden on my face. Slowly, I sit on the edge of the bed, my hands finding my lips. “Little, I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry.” I glance up at her, trying to make her believe me. “I swear, I didn’t know. I know it’s no excuse, but I didn’t. I would never hurt you, Little.”

  She looks like she’s going to yell again, but instead she sighs, running her hands through her hair before falling down to sit next to me. “I’m sorry, Big. I didn’t mean to come scream at you. I came to see if you were okay. But then I saw Adam and…” She shakes her head. “I don’t know, I just snapped.”

  We both sit there for a moment, silent but for the soft buzz of the bathroom light. I think her words over, letting them sink in. Had I really been so selfish that I couldn’t see Cassie falling for Adam? What else have I missed?

  Finally, Cassie turns to me, her eyes softer now. “Listen, I love you, I do. I’m not mad at you. I’m just… frustrated.” She smiles a small smile. “The you I’ve seen this semester? It isn’t my Big. My Big is fearless, hardcore, unbeatable. When Erin brought up this stupid plan of hers, I was so sure you’d turn it down. But then you didn’t, and then things just got crazier and crazier. It was all we ever talked about and I just watched as it slowly tore you apart. And you know what? I’m glad Erin told Kip tonight.”

  My eyes jump to hers. “What? Why?”

  “Because.” She stands, facing me. “Now it’s done and over with. He knows what happened, you’re no longer playing this stupid game, and you can finally move forward. And so can Erin.” She pauses. “And Adam, too. We all can.”

  I chew my lip. “There’s one issue with that theory,” I point out. “Kip ran away from me tonight. He’s done, he knows everything now. He’s never going to talk to me again and I don’t blame him.”

  My Little smiles, shaking her head and pulling me up to stand with her. “Damn, is the sad, deflated Skyler still hanging around? I thought my old Big was back. Because my old Big would know that she didn’t lose anyone, especially not Kip.” I eye her curiously as she continues. “So what if you played a stupid game? Lik
e you told Erin, everything between you and Kip was real. Do you still believe that?”

  I nod.

  “Do you think he believes that?”

  I start to shake my head but stop, moving from chewing my lip to the inside of my cheek, but then stop. I know Kip is hurt, I know he’s upset, but I know he feels what I feel. He has to know that every word, every touch between us was real. Is real.

  “Yes.”

  Little smiles, releasing my hands and gesturing toward the door. “Then go find him and talk to him. Stop running from this secret, from this stupid game. Explain what happened and then move on. If you do, everyone else can, too. Make him understand. Show him how you really feel.” She pauses, shrugging. “Something tells me you won’t have to try very hard. I see the way he looks at you. He isn’t done, Skyler. He’s not going anywhere. Don’t give up on him. Have faith.”

  Her words weigh in on me, squeezing my chest as I fight against another wave of tears. I have no idea if he will believe me, if he’ll even listen to me, but I can’t walk away knowing I didn’t at least try.

  Without another word, I fly out the door and down the hall, my feet carrying me fast as I weave in and out of the small groups of people gathered. I pass Clinton and he calls out for me but I keep running, my heart pounding in my ears. Each thump drills it into me more.

  I can’t lose him.

  I won’t lose him.

  Before I can stop myself, I slam into Kade, knocking us both off balance. My eyes are wild, my breathing frantic. He doesn’t even ask, he just points.

  “He went up to the top deck. He’s a mess, Skyler. He wouldn’t listen to anything I said.”

  I swallow, nodding before taking off again. My legs are weak, the tears still drying on my face as I sprint through the ship and up the stairs four decks to the top. When I reach the top floor, I run even harder, my ribs aching, my chest moving rapidly as my legs pump faster and faster. The wind whips my hair around wildly, the moonlight casting an eerie glow on the water. I have no idea what I’m going to say when I reach him, words won’t form in my head. All I know is I have to find him, I have to explain.

  I won’t lose him.

  I can’t lose him.

  This game ends tonight.

  The brisk wind on the top deck of the ship does nothing to cool my hot skin. My body is desperately trying to move air in and out of my lungs but it seems to hover instead, filling my chest with an excruciating tightness. My forearms are resting on the railing, my fists clenching and loosening methodically as I stare out at the stream of light casted on the water from the moon. It’s beautiful right now, cool but not cold, clear sky, stars everywhere. And yet, it might as well be raining. Storming. Hurricaning.

  I’m fucking pissed.

  I’ve played games with girls before. Hell, every relationship I’ve had has all been part of the game. But Skyler was different… is different. Or so I thought. Everything between us has been real, non-scripted, not perfect but perfect to me.

  But she played me.

  Even worse, she played me at the command of my fucking ex.

  None of it was real and I know I have no right to be pissed off or hurt but goddamn it I’m both. Here I am, giving up everything I’ve ever wanted, risking the relationship with my father thinking maybe Skyler is worth it. No, knowing she is.

  What a fucking idiot I am.

  Leaning over the railing, I push air from my chest and try counting backward.

  Ten… nine…

  Fuck!

  Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair just as I hear footsteps approaching from behind. I turn and once again, my breath is locked in place, making me want to scream to force it out and be able to breathe again.

  Skyler is running.

  Straight toward me.

  Shaking my head, I turn back toward the water and rest my arms on the railing, preparing myself to be cold. Preparing myself to shut down. I know the power Skyler wields over me and I’m not stupid enough to think I can stand my ground while looking into those fucking ocean eyes of hers.

  Her footsteps slow as she reaches me until she’s no longer moving but I know she’s there. Her breaths are loud and ragged and the air around us is so fucking heavy I feel like we might both die from the pressure. I know she’s waiting for me to turn around, but I refuse, angling my head even further from her view.

  “Kip, please, let me explain.”

  I laugh, which is exactly the opposite reaction of what I feel like I should be having. If anything, I feel closer to a punch or maybe even a cry, but laugh? No, not even close to what I feel. But nevertheless, a laugh escapes my throat and I shake my head.

  “Don’t bother, Skyler,” I say the words low, but firm. “You played your game and you played it really fucking well. Are you sure you’re sold on the poker world? Because with the performance you gave, I think you might want to move to Hollywood.”

  It’s silent for just a small second before Skyler huffs and grabs my arm, pulling me around to face her. I could shrug her off if I wanted to, but I let her turn me, I let her force me to face her because I’ve decided I want her to see what she’s done.

  “Okay, you’re mad,” she assesses, taking in my features. “And you deserve to be. But don’t you dare treat me like that. You’re going to let me explain myself and you’re not going to say a word until I finish and then you can make up your mind about me.”

  “I don’t have to –”

  “Damn it, Kip!” Skyler’s voice is louder than I’ve ever heard it, a desperate high pitch when she says my name. “Let me fight for you! If you don’t want me after you hear me out, I’ll let you go.” She swallows those last words, her eyes shifting and my heart aches at the thought even though I know it’s what I have to do. “But I’m not going to do that until I know I’ve fought to keep you.”

  I tense my jaw, not saying anything but not turning back around either. I’m giving her the chance to speak. She takes a deep breath at the realization and moves closer, but I take a step back and she halts, her eyes hurt.

  “It’s true,” she finally says. And even though I knew it was, hearing it from her makes the anger roar through me again. “But it’s not what you think.” She clarifies quickly. “The night I met you, Kip, I wanted you. For me. You completely captured me. And then when I saw you in class, I knew it would only be a matter of time before you would be mine.”

  “Cocky, are we?” I mean to say it as a joke, but my voice refuses to lighten and I sound like an asshole. I wish I was sorry.

  She gives me a piercing look and purses her lips before continuing. “Right after that, I went back to the sorority house and Erin called us all into her room. She told us the story about you guys that summer and then she dropped the bomb that you were here. And when she said your name, everything changed. She came up with this…” she waves her hand in the air. “Sick game, and like a fool I agreed. But Kip,” she pleads. “I tried to get out of it. I gave Bear’s Little money to buy me at the auction. I tried to stay away from you. I tried to make you not want to be around me but the more I tried to avoid you the more I fell for you. And that? That was not a game. That wasn’t fake, it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t pretend.”

  She pauses for a moment, her breathing still just as hard. Her hands are shaking and her eyes are glossing over. The combination absolutely fucking wrecks me and I instantly want to reach out and pull her into me, but I can’t.

  “Kip,” she pleads, stepping closer and this time I don’t move away. “That night at the dance, it broke me, too. And seeing you with Erin? It.” She stops, shaking her head, tears finally sliding slowly down her cheek. “I can’t even explain what it did to me. I’ve never cared about anyone the way I care about you. I would have just let any other guy go without so much as a second glance. But you have changed me. You’ve opened up the side of me that I have tried so desperately to hide and I’m not even sure why. You like me when I’m being me, no matter what I’m wearing or who I’m with or w
hat I’m doing. You care about my love for poker and no one has ever taken the time to appreciate what I love the way you have.”

  When she brings up poker, my breathing suddenly picks up again, my heart beating hard in my chest. Shit…

  Here I am, pissed off and hurt by what she did to me, knowing that what I did to her was way worse. In fact, as of now, my dad doesn’t even know that the plan is off. I still have her file on my computer and printed out, stuffed in box under my bed. I still have the video of her tournament. And yet with all of that, whether it was before I decided I was done with his plans or after, everything between me and Skyler has been real for me.

  And that’s exactly what she’s telling me now.

  “You made it impossible to play Erin’s game because you came at me so fiercely and without apologies and you made me love you, Kip.” She chokes, the words bringing me back to life and murdering me all at the same time. “And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for what I’ve done. But I’m not sorry for loving you.”

  Without hesitation, I reach out and pull her hard into my chest, wrapping my arms around her as she melts into me. I feel the tension in both of us disperse at the touch, each of our bodies reacting to the same charge that’s been there since the very first kiss.

  “I’m so sorry,” she repeats, her tears soaking through my shirt as she grips me tighter.

  I kiss her hair. “Stop, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

  She shakes her head, pulling back to look up at me. “It’s not okay. None of it was okay and I knew it then just as much as I know it now. But it’s over and I promise I will never lie to you again. I don’t want to keep anything from you. Ever. You’ve always given me nothing but honesty and that’s what I want to give to you. I’m sorry. Please, please forgive me.”

  My nose flares and I pull her back into me, looking up to the sky to stop the tears I feel coming. Men don’t cry. My dad taught me that at a young age and so far it’s worked against broken bones and bullies at school, but I don’t think Dad could have ever prepared me to feel the weight of the shit I’ve piled on myself now.