Black Number Four

by Kandi Steiner

  Cassie smiles. “It’s all good, Big. People make mistakes and it’s all over now. Speaking of which,” she says as my phone pings. I look down and frown when I see the message from Kip. “How are things with you and Kip?”

  - I can’t hang out tomorrow night, forgot I have a huge project due Tuesday. Want to sleep over Wednesday night and we can go to class together Thursday? I’m sorry for bailing… -

  I sigh, letting my phone drop to the bed and looking back up at my Little. “Well, to be honest, I don’t know.”

  Her brow shoots up and she leans up a little straighter, looking over to see if Jess and Ashlei are listening. They’re both focused on the TV again, Jess shoveling popcorn into her mouth at a rapid rate. Cassie drops her voice a little lower. “What’s going on?”

  “He says he’s fine, but ever since we got back from the cruise, something’s been off. We were supposed to hang out that night after spa day and he bailed on me. Then again the next day. And the next. And I literally haven’t seen him since he kissed me goodbye at the dock.” My stomach drops a little when I say it out loud. In my head and in the texts we’ve sent back and forth, it didn’t sound that bad. He was tired, he had school work, his friend back home had a crisis – it all seemed plausible. But when I say it out loud, I realize the truth I should have already known. He’s avoiding me.

  The question is, why?

  Cassie’s mouth pulls to the side. “Are you seeing him this week at all?”

  “Wednesday. I’m staying over.”

  She grins and waggles her eyebrows. “Well, I’m sure he’ll make up for all the time lost.”

  I nudge her hard but can’t help but smile. I hope she’s right. I hope I’m overanalyzing it and we’re fine. He seemed like he had completely forgiven me. We had an amazing night together after I confessed everything and our last day of the cruise in Key West was perfect. But maybe being on his own gave him time to think.

  Maybe he doesn’t forgive me, after all.

  - Yeah, that’s fine. -

  I try to focus on the show and enjoying the time with my sisters, but I can’t stop thinking about Kip. I need to hear more from him than an excuse not to hang out with me. That’s all I’ve had for almost a week now and I can’t handle it anymore. I like to think I’m stronger than I was in high school, but my insecurities sneak back up on me when I least expect them. And when they do, they grip me like the jaws of a lion and I can’t shake them loose.

  - Kip, are we okay? -

  - Of course we are. Why would you ask? -

  - Seriously? -

  - I know, I’m sorry. I promise, you and I are fine. I’m just dealing with some home stuff right now. -

  - Let me help you. Let me come over. We can talk about it. -

  - I just need some time to think right now, Skyler. I promise it has nothing to do with you, but I’m not ready to talk to you about it. I’m not ready to talk to anyone about it. –

  I sigh, debating the next text. We said that we loved each other that night on the boat, but not again since then. As petty as it sounds, I really need to hear it from him right now. My fingers are shaking slightly when I press the send button and wait.

  - Okay, I understand. I love you, Tommy. ;) -

  - I love you too, Ella Mae. -

  An infectious smile spreads to my cheeks and I bite my bottom lip. It’s crazy that a simple text can make my stomach flip like this, but it’s exactly what I needed. I place my phone on my bedside table and plug it into the charger. Just as I settle back down against the pillows for more Netflix binging, our door swings open.

  Erin.

  We all sort of stiffen when we see her, but no one says a word. The other girls have still been hanging out with Erin, they haven’t shunned her or anything, but I think it’s easy to pick up on the fact that no one is okay with what she did. It feels like an hour passes before she finally says something.

  “Little, can I talk to you?” She asks the question softly, holding her one arm crossed over her front and clinging to the elbow of her other arm. The bags under her eyes have slowly gotten worse over the past few days and I can’t help but ache a little for her, even though I’m pissed enough to punch her in the nose right now.

  “About what?”

  Erin gives me a pleading look and I sigh, throwing back the covers a little more dramatically than necessary. I follow her out of our room and down the hall to hers, but I don’t move far inside. I stand near the entrance with my arms crossed over my chest, waiting.

  “Come sit down.” she gestures to her bed.

  “I’ll stand.”

  Erin sighs, rolling her eyes a little. “Leave it to you to make this even harder than it already is.”

  Before I realize what I’m doing, I make my way swiftly across the room and slap my Big hard across the face. Her head moves with the hit, her hand flying up in shock to cover the place where mine just made contact. Erin nods a little, her eyes watering slightly as she turns back around to face me.

  “Fair enough, I deserved that,” she says, still rubbing her cheek. “But I’m not the only one at fault here, Little.”

  I let out a mock laugh and turn to leave. Forget this, I didn’t sign up to listen to her tell me how her being a shitty person is my fault.

  “Wait!” She chases after me and against my better judgment, I stop by the door again. “Please, let’s just talk about this. I’m not saying it was all your fault, I know it’s mostly mine, but just let me speak. We have to work this out. You can’t be mad at me forever.”

  “The hell I can’t,” I say, turning back to face her. My hand still stings from hitting her face. I wish I felt sorry, but I don’t. The anger I was trying so hard to keep under control is raging through me now. I’m Skyler fucking Thorne. I don’t take shit from any guy, yet I’ve taken more than a heap from the girl standing in front of me. I’m done.

  “You’re a bitch, Ex. I’m your Little. Your Little. You’re supposed to take care of me, to help me through college, to be my mentor in all things. Instead, you wrapped me up in this twisted game that you knew I was uncomfortable playing and when it was all finally over and we could move on, you gave me one last jab with your knife like the last thing you wanted to see was for me to come out of this whole mess alive. I don’t owe you anything, Erin. Nothing.”

  “I know that, okay?!” Erin screams, taking a few steps toward me. The tears in her eyes start to pool feverishly, glossing over her chocolate irises until just one blink sends them cascading down her cheeks. “You think I don’t see that what I’ve done is pathetic and disgusting? I can’t even talk to anyone I know about how I feel because I’m ashamed to admit what I asked you to do. And on the cruise? Yeah, I made one of the worst choices of my entire life, Little. I fucked up.” She chokes a little, succumbing to her tears. “And I am so, so sorry. I’m sorry for what I asked you to do, for the way I’ve treated you, for what I did earlier this week. I’m sorry for all of it. I love you, Little.”

  I swallow back the emotion rising in my throat and try to focus on my breathing. I still love my Big, even if she did pull a colossal bitch move, but I still don’t have words to say.

  She wipes the tears from her face, soaking the sleeve of her shirt in the process. “But you hurt me too, Little.” She sniffs, looking me straight in the eye now. “You could have stopped this. You could have told me from the beginning that you couldn’t do it, that you didn’t want to. At the auction, I told you before it even started that we didn’t have to do this. You could have stopped it. And when I was getting caught up in Kip and thinking everything was working, you could have warned me that it wasn’t. You could have told me the truth. But instead, you snuck behind my back and pulled him back to you. You played your own little game so that you could come out of this whole thing unscarred.”

  “You threatened me with the presidency!”

  “And you knew that with or without me, you could get elected! Stop trying to make it sound like you were defenseless i
n all this, Sky. You didn’t stop it, and you damn sure didn’t do anything to make it right in the end. You would have never told Kip. Yeah, it wasn’t my place to tell him, but he deserved to know. If you two are going to be together, he should be able to choose to be with you knowing the truth.”

  “God, do you hear yourself?” I throw my hands up, exhausted with the conversation. I’m sure half the house is listening to us behind the doors of their rooms by now. “You manipulated me, Erin. You know what, I will give you one thing – I should have stopped it. But I couldn’t, I didn’t have the strength – not until after Kip made me realize to stop caring so much about what you and all the people on this campus think of me.” I shake my head, realizing how big of a mess this whole thing truly is. “I don’t know if I want to be president next year. But if I run, it will be because I want to. Not because our family has been in this room for as long as anyone can remember, not because everyone would talk if I didn’t run, and damn sure not because you want me to.”

  Erin nods softly, the tears slowly drying on her face. “Look, I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for everything. I know it’s not going to be like a light switch for you to forgive me, but please just tell me you’ll try. I’m human, I made a mistake. But I love you, Sky. And whether you think I do or not, I love you regardless of what you wear, who you’re with, or what position you hold.” She gestures to the other rooms down the hall. “We all do. We’re your sisters, Skyler. You may think we judge you based on those things, but we don’t.”

  I swallow, fighting back tears of my own now. “I love you, too, Big. And I forgive you. I’m not ready to move back to where we were before, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

  Erin smiles, more tears flooding her eyes as she nods.

  “But don’t ever put me in this kind of position again, Ex.”

  “Never.”

  I pause, nodding for a moment. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” Erin says, still smiling.

  I turn and leave her room without saying another word. When I open the door to mine and Jess’s room, the girls all scramble to get back into bed without me noticing.

  And they fail miserably.

  “You guys didn’t hear any of that, did you?” I ask, smiling.

  “Nope.”

  “Not a word.”

  “What?”

  They all speak at the same time, trying to keep an innocent look plastered on their faces. I shake my head and laugh as I jump back into bed with my Little. Hitting play on the remote, I settle in and try to block out the thoughts in my head for a while.

  “We really do all love you, Sky,” Jess says, leaning up. “Regardless of everything else Erin said and did, that part was true. I don’t care if you wear pearls and a dress or a muumuu, you’re still one of my best friends and I’ll always be there for you.”

  “Ditto,” Ashlei says.

  “Me too,” Cassie agrees, pulling me in for a hug.

  I smile, hugging her back. “I love you girls, too,” I say, looking at all of them. Reciting a line from our symphony, I put two fingers over my heart. “My sisters are there always, through harmony and strife. KKB forever…”

  They all return my smile, placing their fingers in the same placement as mine as they finish it out.

  “KKB for life.”

  Kip is different.

  I don’t know how else to describe it. He’s physically here – he cooked me dinner, held me close while we watched a movie, kissed me just as slow and sensual as ever before loving me between his sheets – but mentally, he’s gone. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out how to pull him back to earth.

  “Are you sure we’re okay?” I ask for what has to be at least the tenth time. I’m sure it’s annoying, but it can’t be half as frustrating as him avoiding whatever it is that’s bothering him.

  We’re still lying in bed, our bodies tangled up together. He pulls me in a little closer and kisses my forehead. “We’re fine, babe.”

  “Just fine?” I lean up to look at him. He sighs, gently moving me off of him as he stands and pulls on his boxers. I watch as the muscles in his back ebb and flow with the movement, pulling me in a trance.

  “Sky, please, I’m asking you to just not push right now.”

  My stomach aches at his words. I hate this. We’re not fighting, but something is off and he won’t tell me what. We’ve never been here before. We’ve been pissed at each other, sure, but all those times we’ve been apart. Now we’re together and something is wrong, but what?

  “Are you still mad at me? For the Erin thing?”

  He laughs a little, running his fingers through his tousled hair. “No, Skyler. I told you I forgave you for that and I meant it. I’m not even thinking about it anymore. It’s done.”

  I swallow, hating the possibility of his answer to my next question. “Are you done with me?”

  His eyes grow wide and he crosses the room to sit on the bed with me again. “What? No, baby. Are you kidding me? You’re the only thing keeping me grounded right now, the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” His eyes are pained and his jaw tense. “I don’t deserve you, Skyler.”

  “I don’t understand, why do you keep saying that?”

  He opens his mouth to say something, but then stops himself, shaking his head. “I can’t get into it tonight, okay? I love you, Skyler.” My stomach still flutters at those words. “I do, so fucking much. But I’m going through a lot right now. And I want to tell you, I will tell you, but I can’t tell you tonight. I know that’s not fair, but I’m asking you to be okay with it. For me.”

  Kip lifts my hand in his to his lips and kisses my fingers, waiting for me to reply. I nod softly. “Okay.”

  He smiles and pulls me in for a long, slow kiss, making my thoughts go fuzzy. “I’m going to jump in the shower real quick. Want to join?” He winks and for just a second the playful Kip is back, but even still he’s hidden behind sad, hooded eyes.

  “I have to turn in that paper before midnight. Let me finish and submit it real quick and then I’ll be there.”

  “Don’t keep me waiting too long.” He leans up and kisses me again before turning toward the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

  I sigh, leaning over the bed for my bag and retrieving my laptop. I don’t like that he won’t tell me what’s going on, but whatever it is, it’s something he’s not ready to deal with just yet. I can respect that. When he is ready, I’ll be here.

  When I open my laptop and click the power button, nothing happens. I try a few more times and curse under my breath when I realize it’s dead. I didn’t bring my charger with me and this paper is due in twenty minutes. I scan the room for Kip’s laptop and find it set up on the small desk pushed against the far wall. Quickly, I grab my computer and take it to the desk, pulling the cord from his laptop and trying it in mine.

  Nothing.

  Shit. I knew it was a long shot that it would work for mine, too, but it was worth a try. I have the paper in my email, I just need to format it and add a few sentences in the conclusion. Why didn’t I just do this before I left the house? Idiot.

  Can brunettes have blonde moments?

  “Kip?” I call out over my shoulder, opening his laptop. “What’s the password on your laptop? Mine’s dead and I forgot my charger.”

  He doesn’t answer, the shower muting my question. I go to open the door to ask him again when his home screen pops up without asking for a password.

  “Perfect,” I murmur, double clicking the Internet Explorer icon. I log into my email and pull up the paper before quickly formatting it and typing out my final thoughts. By the time I send the email to my professor, there’s less than two minutes left until midnight.

  Talk about a close call.

  “Sky?” Kip calls over the shower.

  “I’m coming!”

  I exit the browser window and start to close the laptop screen again when a folder in the right hand corner of the desk
top catches my eye.

  It’s labeled with my name.

  I glance back over my shoulder at the bathroom, but the door is still closed, the shower running. I know it’s wrong, snooping through his stuff, but my curiosity overwhelms my conscience and I double click the folder until a list of documents pops up. There are a few photos of me playing poker and the video that he took that night I blew the tournament downtown. I breathe a sigh of relief, it’s just the research he’s been doing to help me prep for May.

  Wow, he made an entire folder for me. He wasn’t kidding about wanting to help.

  I click on the Word document labeled FILE and when it fills the screen, one large photo pops up. It’s the headshot I took for a blog site last year. Written above my head in bold letters is my name in all caps.

  This is weird.

  I scroll through the file, reading the text under each category.

  CLASS SCHEDULE.

  PAST RELATIONSHIPS.

  HOME LIFE.

  HOBBIES.

  TOURNAMENT STANDINGS.

  BLOG ARTICLES.

  SOCIAL MEDIA.

  VIDEO RESEARCH.

  LIVE FEEDBACK.

  The more I scroll, the faster my heart races. Under the regular text in each category, there are short notes written out in red.

  Wears sunglasses to hide eyes – possible tell? Lip quivers slightly when she has a pocket pair. Easily distracted by emotions – work her up before tournament? Bothered by blogs referring to her looks. Pay blogger for racy interview/find pictures? Main reason is for family – parents not well off. Cares a lot about what other people think.

  What the hell is going on?

  I scroll and read and scroll and read until I feel I might throw up. When I reach the end of the document, there’s a small line of text written in bold.

  Remember, Son – head in the game. Get her close, but don’t get caught up. Break her down, find her weaknesses, and beat her in May or give it hell trying. You help me with my dream, I help you with yours. UCLA is waiting. – Dad

  I stand so fast I knock the top of my thighs on the bottom of the desk, but the pain is masked by the panic racing through me. I cover my mouth, shaking my head as tears rush to my eyes. No.