Nex

by Cheryl Douglas

  She sobbed, covering her mouth with her free hand. “That’s the first time you’ve said that to me.”

  I’d implied I loved her before, but I’d never had the courage to say those words to any woman before. “I should have said it a hundred times. I’ve thought it at least a thousand since I first laid eyes on you.”

  “I love you too,” she whispered, watching me slide the ring on her finger. “It’s so beautiful. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” I kissed her softly, savoring every second of this indescribable connection. “Can I still come visit you this summer?”

  She nodded, offering me a shaky smile. “I was hoping you would.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jaci

  I’d only been home three days, and I was already beginning to wonder how I’d ever believed this life would be enough to make me happy. It felt like a light went out when I walked away from Nex and I’d been living in a state of perpetual darkness ever since.

  “Well, doesn’t this look nice?” my mama said, ambling toward the table.

  She shuffled a little more than I remembered, often using the banister for support when she went up the stairs or using furniture to support her weight when she’d been standing too long.

  “I hope this is still your favorite,” I said, setting a platter of French toast on the table with a side dish of fresh blueberries and raspberries alongside her favorite maple syrup.

  “You know it is.” She looked delighted as I poured her a cup of coffee and prepared it just the way she liked it. My mother always enjoyed being taken care of, especially by me.

  I sat down next to her, placing two slices of toast on my plate with a few scoops of berries. I wasn’t hungry. In fact, I hadn’t been since I arrived, but I’d been trying to eat, to avoid my mama’s concern.

  “You’re going to be helping your aunt out at the diner today?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” As promised, my aunt had come through for me, guaranteeing me thirty hours a week waiting tables for the duration of the summer. Or as long as I chose to stay.

  “I know how happy she is to have you back here where you belong,” she said, curling her hand over mine. “Just like I am.”

  I smiled, not wanting to stir up any trouble. I knew we’d have to discuss the future soon, but this didn’t feel like the right time.

  “Has Scott been in to the diner to see you?”

  “No.” And I hoped he wouldn’t go out of his way to pay me a visit. After our last conversation, I wanted to believe he was getting on with his life, as I had.

  “Oh, I’m sure it won’t be long before he does. I ran into him at the post office yesterday. He said he’s been helping his daddy rebuild the barn.”

  “Hmm,” I said, slicing my toast with more care than necessary. I didn’t know why mother still assumed I would care what my ex was up to.

  “Have you called any of your old friends yet?” she asked, reaching for the small glass of juice I’d poured for her. I noted her hand didn’t tremble until I looked up. “Or how about Lacy? I know she’d love to see you.”

  “I’ve only been back a few days, Mama. I haven’t had time. Been tending to things around here.”

  While Mama had a lady from the church who came in to help with heavy cleaning once a month, I went through the place my first day back, scrubbing every surface in the old house until it sparkled. The second day, I’d pulled weeds in the yard before and after work and tended to the gardens. Today when I got home, I planned to clean all the closets. Staying busy helped to keep my mind occupied. Without those menial tasks, I would have been bothering Nex all the time, calling just to hear the sound of his voice or texting to tell him how much I missed him.

  “Sure is nice to have you tendin’ to things again.” She laughed. “I swear, this old place would fall down around me without you to help keep it up.”

  “Maybe you should think about selling it, Mama. Move in to one of those nice new apartments they built. The money from the sale of the house would give you a nice little nest egg.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “I think I’d go crazy in an apartment all day. What would I do?”

  Same thing you do here, I wanted to say. Watch TV and crochet for the church. “Well, it’s something to think about.”

  “That sure is a pretty ring,” she said, gesturing to my right hand with her fork. “Is that one of those cubic zirconias? Mable at the church has one, and I swear you can’t even tell the difference. Makes you wonder why people would pay good money for the real thing, doesn’t it?”

  “Actually, Mama, Nex gave this to me.” And I can assure you this baby could cut glass.

  Her jaw dropped as she grabbed my hand. “But that must be worth a fortune!” She let my hand fall to the table as her eyes narrowed on me. “Just what kind of relationship do you have with this boy?”

  I didn’t know if I should tell her the truth—that we’d been living together. I would no doubt get the lecture about how living together outside of marriage was a sin, but she had to understand this was my life to live as I saw fit, and I was going to start making my own decisions, whether she agreed with them or not.

  “Nex is not a boy. He’s a man,” I said, concentrating on my food to avoid her scowl. Believe me, he’s all man.

  “You didn’t answer my question. What kind of relationship do you have with him?”

  The moment of truth. I could downplay what we had to put her mind at ease or come clean and unburden myself. “I’m in love with him.” I knew she’d be stunned. According to my mother, it took years, not months, to be able to claim such a thing.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “You’re just infatuated. I’m sure he’s very handsome and successful and you’re blinded by—”

  “You’re not listening to me,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. It would be easy for me to lose my temper with my mother, but I tried not to since I always felt so awful when we argued. “I said I’m in love with him. And he feels the same way about me.”

  She pursed her lips. “You think you know someone until you live with them, young lady. Then everything changes. You see them for who they really are.”

  While things between Nex and I had been strained since Mac made me that offer, I’d enjoyed the time I spent living in his house more than I ever had living in my mama’s. “I have been living with him.”

  She gasped before flattening her hand over her heart. “You have not!”

  “Yes, I have,” I said calmly. “It started out as a professional arrangement of sorts, I guess you could say.”

  She blanched as her hand curled around the old wood table. “What are you saying?”

  I would have rolled my eyes at her dramatic behavior had I not known that would only make matters worse. “Nex asked if I would move in and cook for him. He knows how much I love to cook, and I couldn’t go on working while I was preparing for exams, so it seemed like the best solution.”

  “Jacqueline, I cannot believe you were living in sin with a man. What would our pastor say?”

  “I really don’t care what he would say, Mama.” I knew this was hard for her to hear, but it had to be said. “All my life I’ve been the dutiful daughter, the good student, the reliable employee, and the faithful girlfriend. I did what everyone else thought was right, what was expected of me. When do I get to start living my life for me, doing what makes me happy?”

  Looking appalled, she pushed her untouched plate aside, probably to punish me. “You cannot tell me you weren’t happy with Scott. We both know you were.”

  “You’re right. There was a time I was happy with him, until I wasn’t anymore.” I sighed. “But you can’t seem to accept that my feelings for him have changed. Scott isn’t a part of my life anymore, and he never will be again. I’m in love with someone else now, and you’re just going to have to learn to live with that.”

  “You never disrespected me this way before,” my mother said, glaring at me
. “This is his influence, isn’t it? I’ll just bet he’s a Godless—”

  “Careful, Mama,” I said, returning her glare with one of my own as I held my finger up to silence her. “You’re talking about the man I love. I’m not going to let you disrespect him in my presence.”

  “How can you talk to your own mother this way?” she asked, on the verge of tears.

  I may have felt bad had I not been privy to her waterworks show too many times when she failed to get her own way. “How can you talk about a man you’ve never met this way? A man, by the way, who has been nothing but wonderful to your daughter.”

  “Why?” she asked, slicing her hand through the air. “Because he can buy you fancy rings? Scott would’ve been able to buy you a nice ring eventually. He’s making decent money now—”

  “You should know I don’t care about stuff like that.” I caressed the flashy diamond on my hand. “I love this ring not because it’s big or expensive, but because it’s a symbol of how much Nex loves me.”

  “Oh, dear Lord,” she said, wrapping her thin hand around her neck. “Please tell me that is not an engagement ring? Were you just wearing it on that hand until you worked up the nerve to tell me you’d agreed to marry him?”

  I couldn’t believe my mother would be so disturbed by the notion that I may have found a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. “No, it’s not an engagement ring. We’re not there yet. We’re going to take this slow, make sure this is right before we make any long-term plans.”

  “This is nonsense,” she said, shaking her head, her dark bob swinging back and forth. “You can’t have a future with this man. You belong here.” She pointed at the table with her index finger. “With me. Right here, in this house, where you grew up. I knew letting you go to Tampa was a mistake. You’ve got all kinds of crazy ideas in your head.”

  I couldn’t believe she was so out of touch with reality. “You didn’t let me go anywhere. I’m a grown woman, and I’ll make my own decisions.”

  As though I hadn’t even spoken, she said, “There’s an option we never even considered. Online classes. You could get your degree from anywhere. You don’t have to live there. In fact, think how much cheaper it would be to live here and—”

  “I’m well aware I can get my degree online,” I said through clenched teeth. “But a big part of the reason I wanted to go to Tampa was so I could have a different experience.” To be out from under your thumb so I could breathe without the weight of your expectations stifling me. “You’re only young once, Mama. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I let the best years of my life slip away while I was living someone else’s dream.”

  I stood as I started to clear the table. Neither one of us had eaten, but I wasn’t hungry and I knew she would refrain from eating just to punish me.

  “What are you saying, Jaci?”

  “I need to get to work.” I’d said enough for today, given her enough to think about. The rest would come in time.

  ***

  I was walking through the park on my way to work, clutching my cell phone in my hand, trying to work up the nerve to call. I hadn’t spoken to Nex since I left. We’d just exchanged a few brief texts to let him know I was getting settled in and keeping myself busy.

  I finally sank down on the bench, unable to resist the temptation any longer.

  He answered on the first ring. “Hey, beautiful. How’ve you been?”

  He sounded happy, at peace. Of course he didn’t have anyone trying to tell him how to run his life. “I’m okay, I guess. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too, sweetheart. Hold on just a sec.” He covered the phone and exchanged a few words with someone before he returned. “Sorry about that. My painter just had a question for me.”

  “You’re busy. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you at work.”

  “You can call me anytime, day or night.”

  I closed my eyes, realizing how much I needed to hear that. I’d been worried he would feel differently with hundreds of miles between us. “Thanks.”

  “Tell me what’s got you so down.” I heard the smile in his voice when he said, “Aside from missing me, of course.”

  “I kind of got into it with my mama this morning.” I sighed, knowing he had enough of his own problems without being burdened with mine. But sometime over the past several months, without even realizing it, Nex had become my go-to guy. The first person I thought to call when I needed to talk.

  “About?”

  “My right to live my own life. You.” I needed him to know that while she may not approve, I didn’t care. I was willing to go to the mat to defend him and our relationship.

  “Me, huh? She thinks I’m trying to corrupt her baby girl, does she?”

  I knew Nex didn’t care what other people thought of him. I thought that was one of his most admirable qualities, but I’d spent most of my life trying to please my mother, so it would take some time before I was able see things from his perspective.

  “I guess I just saw her in a different light today.”

  “How so?”

  “She’s really controlling and manipulative, Nex.” Talking about my mother like that didn’t feel good, but I couldn’t go on living in denial. “If I’m not doing what she wants me to do, living my life the way she thinks I should, it’s like she withholds her approval, her affection. It’s crazy. I’m a grown woman. Why can’t she just be happy that I’ve found happiness with an amazing man who loves me?” He was silent for so long, I wished I could retract my rant. “Nex?”

  “Is that what you told her?”

  “Yeah, pretty much. Why?”

  “I guess I was just curious what you were going to tell her about us. Part of me was afraid you’d try to downplay our connection.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Like you said, when she’s not happy with you—”

  “I don’t care about that anymore,” I said, cutting him off. “I’ve lived my life to please her too damn long, and I’m done!”

  “Baby, I know how you feel. But she’s still your mama. You need her just as much as she needs you.”

  I couldn’t believe he, of all people, was defending her given what I’d just told him. That just reinforced the fact that family came first with Nex, even when that family member’s love was conditional. “I’m sorry to unload on you like that. I know you’ve got enough going on without having to worry about my problems.”

  “Hey, your problems are my problems. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  I groaned when I looked up and saw Scott walking toward me. “Ugh, speaking of problems, my ex is headed this way.”

  “Have you seen him since you’ve been back?” he asked, sounding more guarded than he had before.

  “No.”

  “What’re you going to tell him?”

  “Depends on what he wants to talk about.” If he’d accepted everything I told him during our last conversation, he may very well have moved on by now. If he was still holding out hope for a reconciliation, I’d tell him the truth: that I was in love with someone else.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Babe, can I call you back? He’s here.”

  “Uh yeah, sure. I’ll talk to you later. Love you. ”

  “Me too.” I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, that I was counting the minutes until I could see him again, but I didn’t want to be cruel by rubbing Scott’s nose in the fact I’d moved on.

  “Hey, I heard you were back in town,” Scott said, sitting on the bench beside me. “I would have come into the diner to see you, but I’ve been busy helpin’ my daddy rebuild the barn.”

  “I know. I heard.”

  He nudged my shoulder with his, grinning. “You been checking up on me, girl?”

  “No, nothing like that,” I said, spinning the ring Nex gave me around on my finger. “My mama just happened to mention it at breakfast this morning.”

  “Huh.” He glanced at the light reflecting off the diamon
ds adorning my hand. “That’s some ring you got there.”

  I took a deep breath, steeling my courage to tell him the truth. “My boyfriend gave it to me before I left Tampa.”

  “Oh, wow.”

  “Yeah.” I lowered my head before folding my arms.

  “I guess I don’t have to ask if it’s serious then.”

  “It is.” It felt good to be honest with Scott even though I suspected my words still hurt him.

  “What happened to your plan to spend four years in Tampa living it up, enjoying the single life?”

  “I met Nex.” It really was as simple as that. Meeting Nex changed everything for me. “I never expected to meet someone like him, but I did. And I just got tired of fighting what we had, pretending to him and myself that I could be happier without him than I would be with him.”

  “Then you’re happy, Jaci?”

  “With Nex?” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, trying to gauge his reaction. He seemed almost serene, as though he’d seen this coming. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Good.” He nodded. “That’s all I ever wanted, for you to be happy.”

  “Does that mean you’ve found someone too?” I hoped he had. I wanted him to be happy too, to find someone else so everyone would abandon the ridiculous notion that we belonged together.

  “I guess you could say that.” He shrugged. “The night of my birthday, after our talk, I was feeling pretty crappy, so I went out with my friends and tied one on.” He smirked. “Believe me, not one of my finer moments.”

  “We’ve all been there,” I said, smiling.

  “Yeah, well, I met Andrea that night. She just moved to town. She’s going to be a teacher at the local elementary school in the fall.”

  “That’s great,” I said, squeezing his forearm. “I hope it works out for y’all.”

  “Thanks, I hope so too.” He waved at an old-timer walking his dog through the park. “One thing’s for sure though, this’ll send the message to our families and friends that it’s definitely over between us. I guess that’s a good thing, right?”