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Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

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by Bathroom Readers' Institute




  Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

  Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  * * *

  * * *

  Uncle John’s

  CURIOUSLY

  COMPELLING

  BATHROOM

  READER

  By the

  Bathroom Readers’

  Institute

  Bathroom Readers’ Press

  Ashland, Oregon

  OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

  “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader has added a new dimension to my bathroom visits. Thank you.”

  —Mitchell A.

  “I have never in my 71 years had a book that I carry with me at all times. Since I’ve had a copy of the Bathroom Reader, I don’t even watch a lot of TV!”

  —Robert T.

  “I would just like to thank you for making me laugh. Since discovering your great series, I find myself visiting my bathroom more often. There is need of a new invention: Armrests in the toilet!”

  —Caroline Q.

  “I think these books are the best in the world. I take them to school and show all my friends. Thank you for making my visits to the bathroom fun.”

  —Bobby R.

  “You guys are the funniest I’ve ever read!”

  —Suzanne P.

  “Just thought I’d let you know what a great job you’re doing. My whole family enjoys your books and our tradition has been to buy one, then two books at Christmastime for reading the next year. You’ve become so popular that we now have at least three new books in the bathroom, and it’s only June!”

  —Martha O.

  “I absolutely love your books. But oddly, I’ve never read them in the bathroom. As soon as I get one, I have to read it cover to cover. Keep up the good work!”

  —Leanne P.

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  CURIOUSLY COMPELLING

  BATHROOM READER®

  Copyright © 2006 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  “Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc.

  For information, write:

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

  P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

  www.bathroomreader.com

  888-488-4642

  Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

  San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)

  Special thank you to Gary Martin, M.O. (Master of Origami)

  BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp

  Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader® by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

  ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-607-4

  E-book edition: February 2012

  Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!

  THANK YOU!

  The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

  Gordon Javna

  John Dollison

  Thom Little

  Brian Boone

  Amy Miller

  Jay Newman

  Julia Papps

  Malcolm Hillgartner

  Jahnna Beecham

  Michael Brunsfeld

  Angela Kern

  Sharilyn Hovind

  Jeff Altemus

  Gideon Javna

  Sydney Stanley

  JoAnn Padgett

  Jolly Jeff Cheek

  Scarab Media

  Jef Fretwell

  Connie Vazquez

  Kristine Hemp

  Nancy Toeppler

  Dan Schmitz

  Kyle Coroneos

  Sheila & Rad

  Gary Martin

  Claudia Bauer

  Jennifer Thornton

  Jennifer Payne

  Melinda Allman

  Laurel Graziano

  Mana, Dylan & Chandra

  Maggie Javna

  (Mr.) Mustard Press

  Rick Overton

  Steven Style Group

  Kristen Vanberg

  John Burns

  Shobha Grace

  Matthew Furber

  Jo Scheer

  Eddie Deezen

  Alan Nathanson

  Keziah Veres

  Michelle Sedgwick

  Maggie McLaughlin

  Raincoast Books

  Chris Olsen

  Porter the Wonder Dog

  Thomas Crapper

  * * *

  “If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”

  —Oscar Wilde

  CONTENTS

  Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.

  Short—a quick read

  Medium—2 to 3 pages

  Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required

  * Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Does Fiona Eat Apples?

  Medium

  Uh, Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Microphone Is On

  Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part I

  Diva of the Desert

  Gentleman George

  Long

  Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part II

  Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part III

  BATHROOM LORE

  Short

  More Bathroom News

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Bathroom News

  Toilet Tech

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Know Your Produce

  We All Scream

  What’s in Your…

  Mmm…Candy

  Medium

  Food Origins

  Spicy Stories

  Peruvian Punch

  Long

  The Nutmeg Wars

  *The Über Tuber

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  A Few Dogs Short of a Kennel

  Medium

  Oops!

  It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

  Hello, 911?

  Bad Press

  Taking the Low Road

  Vote For Me!

  Ethically Disabled

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Animal Houses

  Natural Gas Report

  That’s Amore?

  Revenge!

  Modern Mysteries

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Rare Conditions

  Medium

  Too Risky for Guinness

  Just Plane Weird

  Lottery Row

  High Anxiety

  Amazing Luck

  I’ll Trade You a…

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  The Doctor Is Out (of His Mind)

  Shockers!

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  Forgotten Firsts in Robot History

  Let’s Do a Study!

  Medium

  Aaaah! Robots!

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z

  Bamboo: One Incredible Plant

  The Cure for What Ails Ye

  How to Build an Atom Bomb

  It’s Radioactive!

  Death Defiers?

  Why Your Mom Says, “Wa
sh Your Hands!”

  Q&A: Ask the Experts

  Why You Get Motion Sickness

  Long

  Bathroomio Readerus

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Medium

  The Pilgrims, Pt. I: A Church Divided

  What Won’t They Tax?

  Upside-Down Pangborn

  The Pilgrims, Pt. II: Exodus from England

  The Reivers

  The Pilgrims, Pt. III: Sailing to America

  Long

  Betty Freeman’s Day in Court

  Bingham’s List

  *The Pilgrims, Pt. IV: The New World

  WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS

  Short

  Word Origins

  Medium

  Jargon.com

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  Deliciously Familiar Phrases

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  State v. Big Hair

  Medium

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  Dumb Kops

  The Black Panties Bandit Strikes Again

  Creative Crooking

  Strange Lawsuits

  Legally Speaking

  I’ve Got a Cunning Plan

  Dumb Crooks

  SPORTS & AMUSEMENT

  Short

  Pig Out

  Medium

  Life’s a Gamble

  Long

  Card Sharks, Part I

  Roller Derby

  Card Sharks, Part II

  AMERICANA

  Short

  $pirit of ’76

  Forever Mankind

  Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Easy)

  Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Medium)

  Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Hard)

  Medium

  Beulah Land, Part I

  State Nicknames

  Beulah Land, Part II

  Lincoln’s Duel

  Long

  Building the Wall

  The Great Boston Fire

  *Vaudeville

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Died on the John

  Death Customs

  Exit, Stage Right

  Medium

  When You Gotta Go…

  Reading Tombstones

  The Two Graves of Mad Anthony Wayne

  Long

  Talk to the Sword

  The Niagara Falls Mummy

  INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

  Short

  What World City…?

  False Friends

  Medium

  Tha Fas Bouketo

  Turkmenbashi

  When in Rome…

  Flag Trivia

  The Culture Club

  Rally ’Round the Flag

  Long

  The Glomar Explorer

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Dumb Jocks

  Famous Last Words

  Feelin’ Lazy

  Colbert’s Retorts

  Washington’s Posts

  Believe!

  He Slud Into Third

  Pema Chödrön

  Everybody’s a Critic

  Matt’s Musings

  More Dumb Jocks

  BUSINE$$

  Short

  Bennies from Heaven

  Zero-Sum Expansion

  Weird Pitches

  Medium

  Inventive Advertising

  Office Personalities

  Sneaky Corporations

  CANADIANA

  Short

  Canadian Namin’

  Medium

  The Avro Arrow

  War Plan Red

  Weird Canada

  Destination: Canada

  “The Greatest Canadian”

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Research Shows

  A Punch in the Arm

  Life Imitates Art

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  Nudes & Prudes

  LOL (Love On-Line)

  Medium

  Lost Attractions

  The Mustache Report

  Make Your Own Origami Rubber Duck

  Mile-High Comedians

  Is It Art?

  Collect It? Protect It!

  Class Acts

  Beauty Secrets From the Good Old Days

  Long

  The 1¢ Magenta

  Make Your Own (Origami) Toilet

  *How to Find Your Way Home

  FADS & FLOPS

  Short

  Odd-O-Mobiles

  Medium

  Toy Fads

  Like, Totally ’80s Fads

  Dude, Your Pants Are Falling Down

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Bierce-isms

  I Toast You!

  I Curse You!

  Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers

  He’s a Curly Wolf

  Movie Review Haiku

  Amazing Anagrams

  Riddle Me This

  Honk if Anything Falls Off

  Geezers and Rodneys

  Tom Swifties

  Medium

  Boodle and Bingo

  MUSIC

  Medium

  It’s a Hootenanny!

  The Who?

  The Music Man

  Sing Along With JFK

  Behind the Hits

  Hey, Ho, Let’s Go!

  Long

  The Bristol Sessions

  CREATURE FEATURES

  Short

  Divine Bovine

  Cute…and Evil

  Medium

  Snakes On A…

  Weird Animal News

  Odd Dogs

  REEL LIFE

  Short

  Ben Kingsley’s Hair

  Medium

  Box Office Bloopers

  Making The Godfather, Pt. I

  Video Treasures

  Lebowski 9:29

  Superman, Starring James Caan

  Making The Godfather, Pt. II

  Oscar’s Bloopers

  Long

  *Making The Godfather, Pt. III

  MYTHS AND LEGENDS

  Short

  Weird Ghosts

  Myth-Conceptions

  Medium

  Modern Mythology

  THE PRINTED WORD

  Short

  Warning Labels

  Flubbed Headlines

  The Naked Truth

  Medium

  Ghostwriters

  Power of the Pen

  POLITICS

  Short

  Poli-Talks

  Bureaucracy in Action

  Medium

  If Elected, I Promise To…

  Acts of Sedition!

  The Rankin File

  Long

  More Acts of Sedition!

  TV OR NOT TV

  Short

  Game Show Goofs

  TV of the 1940s

  Medium

  G.E. College Bowl

  Weird Star Trek News

  G.E. College Bowl

  Long

  America’s Most Wanted

  SCAMS & HOAXES

  Medium

  “Bunga Bunga!”

  April Fools!

  Oh, Martha!

  Scam-o-Rama

  Long

  The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part I

  The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part II

  ON THE RADIO

  Short

  10-4, Good Buddy!

  Got Your Ears On?

  Shake the Trees and Rake the Leaves

  Medium

  The Golden Age of Radio, Part I

  The Golden Age of Radio, Part II

  Audio Treasures

  Audio Treasures

  Long

  Join the (Citizens) Band

  ORIGINS

  Short

  Random Origins

  Mothers of Invention

  Medium

/>   Random Origins

  Founding Fathers

  Boxers or Briefs?

  Random Origins

  Long

  Dustbin of History: Al Gross

  The Ice Age

  Answer Pages

  * * *

  DO NOT CALL IN EVENT OF EMERGENCY

  The Office of Homeland Security operates a secret emergency hotline that connects to the governors of all 50 states. In 2006 the number was placed on the national “Do Not Call” registry. Reason: the line was being barraged by telemarketers. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle says the phone rang once during the early days of the Iraq War. In a panic, he grabbed the phone, thinking he was about to hear instructions or grave news. Instead, he was asked if he was unhappy with his long distance service.

  GREETINGS FROM “CURIOSITY CENTRAL”

  Annnnnnnnd…we’re back!

  Wow! It’s hard to believe it’s time to write another introduction, but here it is—Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader, our 19th edition (we’ve already rented our tuxes for next year’s 20th anniversary celebration).

  But there’s plenty of reason to celebrate this year. Our insatiable curiosity has taken us to new heights in our continuing quest to bring you obscure knowledge and eye-popping trivia.

  If you’re an old friend, welcome back. If you’re new, welcome to the family. And speaking of family, our little team at the BRI is tighter and happier than ever. We truly had a great time putting this Bathroom Reader together. Sure, it was a lot of work, what with all of the researching and compiling and writing and revising we’ve done over the last 12 months. But every single day one of our crackpot staffers would crack the rest of us up. That’s especially important during the final push to get the book to press, or “crunch time,” as we affectionately call it. Our little red schoolhouse becomes a bunker: the kitchen table is covered with (somewhat) healthy junk food; we drink gallons of coffee; John D. brings his cot to zonk out on in the back room; and Uncle John groans a lot.

  So what compelling topics do we have in store for you? Too many great ones to list, but here are some of our favorites:

  • Long-lost history: Lincoln’s duel, the first trans-Pacific flight, and roving gangs of robots.

  • Music, music, music: the two weeks in 1927 that put country music on the map, and the shrieking birth of punk rock.

  • Follies, flubs, and fabulous hoaxes: stupid campaign promises, the college kids who beat the Vegas casinos at their own game, and “Bunga Bunga!”

  • Humanity’s fascination with food: how nutmeg brought the world together and how the potato nearly ripped it apart.

  • Canadian lore: The United States government’s top secret plans to invade its friendliest neighbor. (Really!)

  • Helpful hints: how to store your collectibles, why you should wash your hands, and how to get home safe if you’re stranded in the wilderness.

  And now, before I sign off, let me send a big Bathroom Reader thank you—

 

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