Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  NEARLY EVERY BOOK BY V.C. ANDREWS

  “Written” by: V. C. Andrews

  Details: Andrews took up writing late in life, publishing her first horror novel, Flowers in the Attic, in 1979. It was a huge bestseller, later made into a popular movie. She wrote four sequels that also sold well, then died in 1986. Fans wanted more books, and Andrews’s family wanted the money the books brought in, so they hired a writer named Andrew Neiderman to write more horror novels in the same style, under the name V. C. Andrews. Interestingly, while Andrews herself wrote just six books, Neiderman—as Andrews—has written more than 40.

  TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

  “Written” by: Harper Lee

  Details: The jury’s still out on this one. In 1961 Lee’s novel won the Pulitzer Prize, but aside from a handful of short essays, she never published again. Why not? Editor Pearl Kazin Bell, who worked with Lee, claims it’s because Lee didn’t write To Kill a Mockingbird—her prolific friend, Truman Capote, did. But defenders of Lee point out that Mockingbird is not written in Capote’s style. And since Capote was a relentless self-promoter, they say, he would have taken credit for Mockingbird once it won the Pulitzer. Capote died in 1984…so we may never know for sure.

  How about you? 54% of American kids ride the bus to school.

  PANGBORN UPSIDE-DOWN

  It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a forgotten page in aviation history, from Bathroom Reader test pilot Jeff Cheek!

  TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW

  On May 20, 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from New York and flew his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis, 3,500 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to Paris. His goal: to win the $25,000 prize that a French newspaper had offered for the first solo New York-to-Paris flight. “Lucky Lindy” landed in the French capital, claimed his prize, and came home an international celebrity.

  But what about the first trans-Pacific flight? That feat came four years later. It was longer, more dangerous, and complicated by international tensions. And while Lindbergh’s trans-Atlantic success was the result of careful planning, the men who crossed the Pacific basically blundered their way into the history books.

  Soon after Lindbergh’s historic flight, Tokyo’s largest newspaper, Ashi Shimbun, offered a $25,000 prize for the first nonstop flight over the Pacific, but it required the pilot to start in Japan and then land in the United States. The Japanese airstrip closest to the U.S. was a sandy runway near the town of Misawa on the northern tip of the island of Honshu. Four previous trans-Pacific attempts had begun there, but none had succeeded. One plane developed engine trouble and had to turn back; the other three were lost at sea.

  THE BARNSTORMER

  Clyde “Upside-Down” Pangborn, a former World War I pilot and now a county-fair barnstormer known for his daring, low-level slow rolls, wasn’t interested in the Ashi Shimbun challenge—he had his sights set on a different goal: the round-the-world speed record. In July 1931 he and his navigator, Hugh Herndon (whose mother financed the trip), took off from New York, flying east across the Atlantic in his single-engine Bellanca monoplane, the Miss Veedol.

  They were making good time, too…until they tried to refuel in Siberia during a rainstorm; the Miss Veedol slid off the runway and got stuck in the mud. That ended their dream—they were stranded for three weeks getting the plane unstuck and waiting for spare parts. That’s when Pangborn decided to salvage something from the trip by trying for the Asahi Shimbu prize instead.

  Hey, Julia! About 1/3 of Spongebob Squarepants fans are adults.

  ROUGH LANDING #2

  But they soon ran into more trouble. Pangborn flew low over the picturesque Japanese seacoast so that Herndon could snap some photos. There happened to be a Japanese military base nearby, so Herndon snapped a few shots of that, too. Bad idea: When the Miss Veedol landed, Pangborn and Herndon were immediately arrested for spying. (The aviators were unaware that while they were in Siberia, Japan invaded Manchuria, severely straining U.S.-Japanese relations.) They spent seven weeks under house arrest until the American Embassy negotiated their release…and got permission for them to attempt the trans-Pacific flight from Misawa. But they had only one chance to leave Japan: if they returned, the Miss Veedol would be confiscated and destroyed.

  The reception in Misawa was much warmer. Pangborn and Herndon were given food and shelter while the town’s school-children swept the runway and cut the tops of trees for a safer takeoff. (The townspeople were eager for someone to break the record and make Misawa famous.) At dawn on October 4, 1931, the two adventurers readied the Miss Veedol. Just as they were boarding, a Japanese boy ran up and gave them five apples. Pangborn was touched, and felt good about their chances.

  ROUGH TAKE-OFF

  As the plane lumbered down the runway, it was so overloaded with fuel—915 pounds of it—that they couldn’t break free of the moist sand…and a pile of logs was getting closer and closer (the same pile left by the kids). Pangborn was literally rocking the plane back and forth trying to get it airborne. “I was determined to get off, or crash into those logs,” Pangborn later recalled. “We had permission for only the one attempt and in no way was I going to spend any more time in Japan.” The plane made it over the logs, over the trees, and then started climbing. Japan was finally behind them.

  The Miss Veedol was still too heavy, but Pangborn was prepared. The previous day, he had unbolted the landing gear and reattached it with clips that could be released by pulling a cable. So he pulled the cable…but only part of the landing gear fell away—the struts were still dangling. With no other options, while flying at 100 mph, Pangborn climbed out onto each wing, barefoot, held on with one hand, reached underneath, and yanked off the struts.

  Strange but true: Fax machines have been around longer than telephones.

  The two men then settled in for the two-day journey, their only food being those five apples, fried chicken, and some tea. They flew above the clouds at 17,000 feet to avoid turbulence, but that also made it cold. “Our water, and even our hot tea froze,” recalled Pangborn. They shivered, slept in shifts, and talked about all of the things they would do when they became rich and famous.

  After 40 hours in the air, fatigue caught up with them as the plane finally reached landfall. Herndon was sound asleep. They missed Seattle completely, had to turn around, and then found that Seattle was covered by fog. So were Spokane and Boise. Pangborn was dangerously low on fuel (and furious at his navigator), but he found his way to Fancher Field in the small town of Wenatchee, Washington, near where he grew up. At 7:14 a.m. on October 5, 1931, the Miss Veedol made a bumpy but successful “belly landing.”

  INTO THE WILD BLUE OBSCURITY

  Lucky Lindy got a ticker tape parade when he returned, but hardly anyone noticed Pangborn and Herndon’s feat. They received some press—mostly focused on the two men’s bickering over Herndon’s navigational skills. Then Herndon’s mother gave Pangborn only $2,500 of the $25,000 prize money. She’d financed the trip, so she kept the rest as “reimbursement.” The two men never spoke again.

  Herndon became a stockbroker; Pangborn went back to brainstorming and then served in Britain’s Royal Air Force during World War II. He flew 175 missions, piloting bombers and transport planes. Pangborn was buried with full military honors in Arlington National Cemetery when he died in March 1958. He was never bitter about not becoming famous, and was always grateful to the Misawa townspeople. As thanks, he sent them some “Richard Delicious” apple tree saplings. Today, at the abandoned airfield on Honshu stands a billboard with a faded painting of the Miss Veedol and the message “The First Trans-Pacific Flight—She Took Off Here.” And near the billboard is a grove of Richard Delicious apple trees, which now grow all over Japan.

  Every year, about 2,500 people go to the emergency room with “toothbrush injuries.”

  THE CURE FOR WHAT AILS YE

  Modern medicine may not be perfect, but at least we have basic knowledge of nutrition, and we’ve stopped using earwax as Chapstick. Want proof that
we’ve got it good? Pick up a book of 19th-century home remedies, read the health tips, and be glad you weren’t born 200 years ago.

  To prevent consumption (tuberculosis): “Let not your breast touch the table or desk on which you write, for leaning the breast hard against the edge of the table hath brought many young men into a consumption.”

  —The Young Man’s Companion (1775)

  For alcoholism: “The prescription is simply an orange every morning a half hour before breakfast. Take that and you will neither want liquor nor medicine. The liquor will become repulsive.”

  —Dr. Chase’s Recipes (1884)

  To prevent influenza: “Children should be instructed to run with the mouth shut for the first block or two after going outdoors in cold weather.”

  —The Guide Board to Health, Peace and Competence (1870)

  To recover from being struck by lightning: “Shower with cold water for two hours; if the patient does not show signs of life, put salt in the water and continue to shower an hour longer.”

  —The Canadian Home Cookbook (1877)

  During pregnancy: “Those who have not been accustomed to bathing should not begin the practice during pregnancy. The mother should avoid looking at or thinking of ugly people or those marked with disfiguring diseases.”

  —The Physical Life of Woman (1872)

  To prevent asthma: “Asthmatics find that missing a meal at night usually will prevent an attack; that hearty meals or certain foods produce attacks; that constipation is very likely to cause the trouble, while a clean bowel helps one to avoid it. Nude sun- and air-baths should be taken daily or as frequently as possible.”

  —Home Health Manual (1930)

  41% of Americans say they believe in extraterrestrials who are “much like ourselves.”

  To treat asthma: “A pipe of tobacco (or a cigar) has the power of relieving a fit of asthma, especially in those not accustomed to it.”

  —Cassell’s Household Guide (1880)

  To treat epilepsy: “It has been said that a black silk handkerchief, thrown over the face while the fit is on, will bring the person ‘to’ instantly.”

  —The Guide Board to Health, Peace and Competence (1870)

  To cure stuttering: “Let him who stammers, stamp his foot on the ground at the same time that he utters each syllable and stammering is impossible.”

  —Fun Better than Physic (1877)

  “Nothing is better than ear-wax to prevent the painful effects resulting from a wound by a nail, skewer, etc. It should be put on as soon as possible. Those who are troubled with cracked lips have found this remedy successful when others have failed.”

  —The American Frugal Housewife (1832)

  To cure a toothache: “Dissolve a piece of opium, the size of a small pea, in spirits of turpentine. Put in the hollow of the tooth upon cotton. It does not stop the pain at once, but if well applied, and frequently changed, will soon cause it to never trouble again.”

  —Dr. Chase’s Recipes (1884)

  “Do not give opium to children under the age of one year except on the advice of a physician.”

  —The Practical Home Physician (1892)

  “Do not make children cross-eyed by having hair hang about their foreheads where they see it continually.”

  —The American Frugal Housewife (1832)

  Homeland Security allotted Colchester, Vermont, $58,000 for a rescue vehicle designed to bore into collapsed concrete buildings. (Colchester has no concrete buildings.)

  MAKE YOUR OWN ORIGAMI RUBBER DUCK

  The Japanese art of folding paper, BRI style. (More-igami on page 363.)

  First, photocopy the pattern below onto a piece of yellow paper. Enlarging it 200% will fit it onto a standard 8 ½" × 11" sheet. Then cut along solid edges to make it a square. Now follow the folding steps on page 118. Step 1: Fold along the dashed lines as shown. Steps 2–4: Turn the paper over and fold under as shown. Step 5: Fold along the center crease, printed side out. Steps 6–9: Fold along the lines, then reverse the folds, pushing down while lifting up, making the tail, then the head, then the beak. Color the beak with an orange marker and voilà—you’re done!

  Odds that a baby sea turtle will survive to adulthood: 1 in 1,000.

  LOTTERY ROW

  Want to win the lottery? Some words of caution: It ain’t always a “win.”

  WINNER: Christina Goodenow of White City, Oregon

  PRIZE: $1 million

  WHAT HAPPENED: On October 12, 2005, Goode-now played the Oregon Lottery’s Million Dollar Jackpot Scratch-It game…and won. Two weeks later she was arrested. It turned out that she’d purchased the ticket with a stolen credit card—her deceased mother’s. Whether she gets to keep her million-dollar prize has yet to be determined by the court. (But here’s a good indication: a warrant for her arrest was issued after she failed to show up for her first court appearance.)

  WINNER: Johnny Rae Brewster of Dallas, Texas

  PRIZE: $13 million

  WHAT HAPPENED: Brewster won the Texas Lottery jackpot in 1995…and died 10 months later of a heart attack. His will stipulated that his sister get his lottery winnings, but she inherited something else: his $3.5 million tax bill. Under Texas law, the estate has to pay all taxes owed by the deceased in full immediately, even though Brewster’s annual lottery payments were only $460,000. Fortunately, the sister and the state struck a deal: she could pay $482,000 a year for 10 years, which meant she actually lost $12,000 a year because her brother won the lottery.

  WINNER: Michael Carroll of Norfolk, England

  PRIZE: £10 million (about $18 million)

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 2002 Carroll, a 19-year-old garbage collector, won the National Lottery prize. The Telegraph reported that he wouldn’t be celebrating at a pub—because the repeat offender was wearing a court-imposed electronic tag for a recent drunk-and-disorderly conviction. They also said he shouldn’t bother buying a new car—because his driving privileges had also been taken away. “Don’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor,” a police officer told the paper. Carroll went on to become known as “The Lottery Lout” after alienating his neighbors by holding demolition derbies at his home in the middle of the night. In 2004 he was ordered to take drug tests after being caught with cocaine, and ended up with a five-month jail term—for not showing up for the drug tests.

  John Lennon recorded and produced under 15 different aliases.

  WINNER: William “Bud” Post III of Pennsylvania

  PRIZE: $16.2 million

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 1988 Post had less than $3 to his name. He pawned a ring for $40 and gave it to his landlady to buy some state lottery tickets. When he won, he went on a legendary spending spree: He bought a car lot, a restaurant, a mansion, and an airplane (which he didn’t know how to fly). Within a few years, his wife had left him, his brother was arrested for hiring a hit man to kill him, and Post himself was arrested for firing a shotgun over the head of a bill collector. On top of that, his landlady sued him, saying that he’d promised her half of the winnings. She was awarded a third, but Post didn’t have it—he’d spent it all. He had to sell his house, and in 1992 auctioned off his 17 remaining lottery payments ($500,000 a year) for $2.65 million. He then proceeded to lose that sum in a series of business blunders and finally declared bankruptcy and lived the rest of his life on a $450-a-month disability check. He died in 2006 at the age of 66, having said, “I was much happier when I was broke,” and adding that he was sorry he had ever won the “Lottery of Death.”

  WINNER: Jody Lee Taylor of Collinsville, Virginia

  PRIZE: $4.3 million

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 1992 Taylor won the Virginia Lottery. Three years later he was arrested after having set fire to his girlfriend’s Ford Thunderbird and firing 15 shots from a .45-caliber pistol into the floor of their double-wide trailer. He was sentenced to a year in jail. Then in 2003 Taylor was spotted driving a brand-new pickup truck down Route 58 on the wrong side of the road…with his lights off…while naked. He ref
used to stop for police and during the chase tried to run down a deputy. His father later told reporters that he wished his son had never bought the lottery ticket. “Out of 10,000 people, there might be one who could handle the money,” he said. “The rest, it’ll push them over the edge.”

  Q: How many sides does a STOP sign have? A: Two…front and back.

  THA FAS BOUKETO

  Idioms are expressions whose meanings cannot be understood by literal translation—there’s nothing about “blow your top,” for example, that suggests it means “get angry.” Every language has them.

  PANTOFFELKINO (Germany)

  Translation: “Slippers cinema”

  Meaning: Television

  ECHARSE FLORES (Spain)

  Translation: “Throw flowers to yourself”

  Meaning: Toot your own horn; sing your own praises

  AKI GA TATSU (Japan)

  Translation: “The autumn breeze begins to blow”

  Meaning: A passionate love affair is beginning to cool off

  CAVOLI RISCALDATI (Italy)

  Translation: “Reheated cabbage”

  Meaning: An old love affair you’re trying to rekindle

  AT HAVE TØMMERMAEND (Denmark)

  Translation: “To have carpenters (in your head)”

  Meaning: To have a hangover

  THA FAS BOUKETO (Greece)

  Translation: “You’re going to eat a bunch of flowers”

  Meaning: I’m going to hit you in the face

  IN BOCCA AL LUPO (Italy)

  Translation: “Into the mouth of the wolf”

  Meaning: Good luck!

  ESPRIT DE L’ESCALIER (France)

  Translation: “The spirit of the staircase”

  Meaning: The clever comeback that you think of after it’s too late to do you any good; e.g., after you’ve left the room and are climbing the stairs. The Germans call it a Treppenwitz (“stair joke”).