Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

SEBASTIAN S. KRESGE

  In 1899 this Pennsylvania native purchased two five-and-dime stores in Detroit, Michigan. By 1912 the SS Kresge Company had 85 stores in the Midwest. In his day, the wealthy Kresge was a well-known philanthropist, but today we know him only by his last initial. After Kresge retired in 1959, a former newspaper reporter named Harry Cunningham took over the company and wanted to expand the dime stores into larger markets, or “marts.” He opened the first one in Detroit in 1962. Believing that “Kresge-mart” was too hard to pronounce, Cunningham shortened it to Kmart.

  First person to make a solo flight from Hawaii to the mainland: Amelia Earhart.

  OL’ JAY’S BRAINTEASERS

  Supersleuth and BRI stalwart Jay Newman has come up with another batch of his simple yet compelling puzzles. Answers are on page 519.

  1. BRIGHT THINKING

  Uncle John gave Amy this challenge: “In the hallway there are three light switches,” he said. “And in the library there are three lamps. Each switch corresponds to one of the lamps. You may enter the library only once—the lamps must be turned off when you do. At no time until you enter can you open the door to see into the library. Your job is to figure out which switch corresponds to which lamp.”

  “Easy,” said Amy.

  How did she do it?

  2. MYSTERY JOB

  Brian works at a place with thousands of products, some of them very expensive. People take his products without paying for them—as many as they can carry—and then just walk out. All that Brian requests of his customers is that they keep their mouths shut.

  Where does Brian work?

  3. SIDE TO SIDE

  Uncle John stood on one side of a river; his dog, Porter, stood on the opposite side. “Come here, Porter!” said Uncle John. Although there were no boats or bridges, Porter crossed the river without getting wet. How?

  4. SPECIAL NUMBER

  Math usually stumps Thom, but when Uncle John showed him this number, he knew right away what makes it unique. Do you?

  8,549,176,320

  5. TIME PIECES

  “Everyone knows that the sundial is the timepiece with the fewest moving parts,” Jay told Julia. “Do you know what timepiece has the most moving parts?” She did. Do you?

  6. WORD PLAY

  “Weird Nate sent me this list of words,” said Uncle John. “He says there’s something unusual about them. But what?” Ol’ Jay figured it out. Can you?

  revive, banana, grammar, voodoo, assess, potato, dresser, uneven

  Sliced bread was banned during WWII. (The slicers were melted down for the war effort.)

  HIGH ANXIETY

  We’ve all had those moments—when something completely unexpected scares the c**p out of us. It gives us something to laugh about…later.

  HE GOT TOO HIGH

  A student from the Gloucestershire College of Arts and Technology in Cheltenham, England, woke up one morning in May 2006…and found himself 100 feet up in a pine tree. He had no idea how he got there, but apparently he’d climbed the tree the night before while drunk (and barefoot). Luckily, he had his cell phone with him. It took firefighters two hours to get him down. “He was a bit quiet when he came down,” officer Nigel Limbrick told The Sun, “and a bit embarrassed.”

  THE FUR WAS FLYING

  The pilot of a passenger plane en route from Brussels to Vienna had to turn the plane around and return to Brussels after he was attacked by a cat. The cat apparently escaped its travel bag in the cabin (small pets are allowed as carry-ons), became agitated, and ran into the cockpit when a flight attendant opened the door. Once inside, it “ran wild,” according to the crew, attacking the pilot and leaving multiple scratches on his arms. A spokeswoman for the airline said the pilot did the right thing in returning to Brussels, noting that the cat took a long time to capture and could have hit one of the delicate instruments in the cockpit. She also said there were unconfirmed reports that the cat had been “kicked by someone in business class.”

  NICE HEADLIGHTS

  In 2004 Dave Alsop was driving through the West Midland Safari Park in Worcestershire, England, when he stopped to take a picture of two mating rhinoceroses. The next thing he knew, the male rhino, who at more than 4,000 pounds weighed considerably more than Alsop’s Renault, was trying to mount the car. From the side. “He sidled up against us,” Alsop said. “Suddenly he’s banging away at the car and it’s rocking like hell.” Alsop sped away…with the rhino in hot pursuit.

  An octopus lays about 100,000 eggs at a time.

  BEAR-LY SURVIVED

  In June 2006, Debbie Yates was getting ready for work in her Nevada City, California, home when she heard noises coming from her kitchen. She assumed it was her cats playing. It wasn’t. “I came around the corner and into the kitchen,” she told reporters, “and instead of seeing cats, I saw a big, brown bear coming in through the kitchen window.” Fortunately, the bear was too big to get through the window, and ran away when Yates screamed.

  PLANES ON A PORSCHE

  In June 2005, a German man got permission to drive his Porsche on the runway at a small seldom-used airport in the town of Bitburg. The man was traveling at about 100 mph when a small private plane landed on the roof of the car. The startled driver slammed on his brakes, which sent the plane crashing onto the tarmac. Both vehicles were badly damaged, but the pilot and the driver were fine. “They probably couldn’t have done it that well if they had tried,” said local policeman Klaus Schnarrbach. The pilot was cited for making an unscheduled landing (on a car).

  RAINING CATS AND…

  A man in the Polish town of Sosnowiec was walking down a street in July 2006, when he heard a noise above his head. He looked up and saw a Saint Bernard falling from the sky. That was the last thing he saw before the dog fell on top of him. The 110-pound canine, named Oskar, had been pushed out of a second-story window by its drunk owner. Luckily, both man and dog were unhurt. A police spokesman said that “the dog had a soft landing because it fell on a man.” He added, however, that the man was “in a psychological state of shock.”

  NOT AN URBAN LEGEND

  In 1999 a woman in England went to her doctor after having headaches for three sleepless nights, accompanied by “a strange noise” in her right ear. The doctor examined her ear—and told her there was a spider “snuggled up right against her eardrum.” He removed the spider with a syringe, and there was no harm to the woman. But, according to Reuters, “the doctor raised an unsavory possibility—that the arachnid was a female intent on laying eggs.”

  Bob Hope was jailed as a youth for stealing tennis balls.

  If you’re like Uncle John, over the years you’ve collected a lot of stuff—photos, records, clothing, comic books—maybe even an old guitar. Here’s a guide to preserving your precious keepsakes.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED

  Here are the basic supplies you’ll need to protect collectibles and keep them safe for years to come.

  • Cotton gloves. Many of the things you want to protect can be damaged by the oils, acids, and dirt on your fingers. Get into the habit of wearing white gloves when handling your treasures.

  • A can of compressed air. Dust can be damaging, but so can wiping it off. Use compressed air to blow the dust away.

  • “Archival quality” packing and storage materials. Do you keep your old papers and photographs in manila envelopes? Is the family silverware rolled in saran wrap? Is everything packed away in cardboard boxes? You may be doing more harm than good. Use “archival-quality” packing supplies that are made of acid-free paper, plastic that does not leach chemicals or other inert materials. Pack your keepsakes in the proper material, then put them in those big plastic tubs made of polyethylene or polypropylene. They’ll keep the mice and bugs away and also protect against dampness and flooding.

  • A cool, dry, dark place to store your things. Attics get too hot in summer and too cold in winter. Basements can get damp and moldy, but if you must store items there, raise the storage bins
at least one foot off the floor.

  PHOTOGRAPHS. A good rule of thumb with any media: Make duplicates. Make copies of your photos, and put the originals away for safekeeping. If you store your photographs or slides in plastic sleeves, make sure the sleeves are polyester, polypropylene, or polyethylene. Don’t use PVC—it contains substances that damage photos. Photo albums are also good but again, be sure to look for archival-quality or acid-free albums. Photos can also be scanned and transferred to CDs, but there may come a day when CD players are obsolete, so it’s a good idea to put a CD/DVD player into storage, too. Then, as new recording and playing devices evolve, you can transfer your pictures to the new formats.

  20% more antacids are sold the day after the Super Bowl than on an average day.

  HOME MOVIES. Do you have 8mm movies on plastic reels? The tiny hub on small reels can cause the film to curl, which can eventually damage it. One way to protect your movies is to splice them together (splicing tape is sold at camera stores) and then store them all on a single large film reel instead of many small ones. Home movies can also be preserved by transferring them to DVDs.

  SPORTS CARDS. There are plenty of specialized products to make caring for sports cards easy. Invest in some clear polyester sleeves, store them one to a sleeve, then place them vertically (that lets you find the card you are looking for with a minimum of handling) into an archival-quality box. Don’t overstuff the box—you may damage them when you try to take them out again.

  COMIC BOOKS. Most comic book stores sell “L-fold polyester sleeves.” Slip each comic book into its own sleeve, then place them in an archival-quality box or plastic tub that is large enough to hold them flat. Be sure to use sleeves made of polyester or mylar, not polyvinyl chloride (PVC)—which can damage your comics.

  QUILTS AND OLD CLOTHING. Always clean fabric items thoroughly before putting them into storage. Dirt, stains, mold, or mildew can be damaging in their own right, but they may also attract bugs, mice, and other pests. Gently vacuum cloth items with a brush attachment to avoid damaging the fabric. Wrap each item in acid-free tissue paper and insert extra sheets inside folds to prevent creasing. To keep bugs out of a storage box, wrap a few mothballs in a clean handkerchief. Close it with string, not a rubber band (mothballs do almost as much damage to rubber as they do to moths). Then put the pouch in the box with your cloth items. If you store your items in plastic tubs or plastic bags, make sure they are made of virgin polyethylene. Other plastics can give off chemicals that stain or discolor cloth. Also, don’t use cedar chests—they don’t repel insects. Not only that, the wood can stain fabric, and cedar’s distinctive smell (from natural oils evaporating out of the wood) can be absorbed by cloth items.

  If you don’t believe us, ask a Sherpa: Mt. Everest is 5.5 miles high.

  BASEBALL MITTS. If you’re not using your old mitt anymore, stop oiling it: that stuff will just make a mess without protecting the leather. To spot-clean it, try a Q-tip or clean sponge dipped in distilled water (which contains no minerals) and dry it immediately using a soft cloth. If you display your mitt, protect it from light, dirt, and dust, by putting it behind glass or acrylic in a display case.

  POSTERS. Because clay was often used in the printing process, posters can get stuck together over time, especially if they’re stored in damp or humid areas. And once they’re stuck together, the damage is permanent. Keep your posters separated from one another by placing each one in an oversized acid-free folder, and store them flat in a large plastic box.

  VINYL RECORDS. To minimize wear and tear on old LPs, invest in a record-cleaning kit and clean your them before and after you play them. Better yet, to keep your original LP of the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine undamaged, buy a CD and listen to that instead. To further protect an LP, remove it from its original sleeve and replace it with an acid-free sleeve. Then slide the record back inside the album cover. The original inner sleeve can go back in, too, if there’s enough room for it (if not, store it in a mylar bag). Store your records upright, and not so snugly together that you can’t take an album off the shelf without damaging it. Store a record player along with your records so you’ll always be able to listen to your original LPs if the technology ever disappears.

  YOUR OLD GUITAR. Moisture is a guitar’s biggest enemy—too much or not enough can damage it. The simplest way to protect your guitar from the elements is to keep it in its case when you’re not playing it. If you live in an especially humid or dry environment, keeping the guitar case in a giant sealed polyethylene bag will protect it even more. Your guitar strap may be made of materials that can damage the instrument’s finish over time, so before you put your guitar away, remove it. Get in the habit of un-tuning the guitar after you finish playing it, too. Loosen each string at least a half-turn to reduce the stress on the instrument. And if the thought of all this guitar maintenance is giving you a headache, here’s some good news: Wooden musical instruments actually age better if you take them out and play them several times a year.

  Blue? Black? According to Johns Hopkins University astronomers…

  AMAZING LUCK

  There’s no way to explain luck—some folks just have it. Here are a few examples of people who really had it.

  WELCOME TO OKLAHOMA

  Oklahoma started running a state lottery in 2006. The first prize: $25,000, won by Caronell Allen of Bethany. Allen had moved there just a few months earlier from New Orleans because he had lost everything he owned in Hurricane Katrina.

  IT ALL COMES OUT IN THE WASH

  In 2005 a German woman on welfare bought an old laundry basket at a flea market for about $5. When she took it home, she found two savings account books worth $60,000 and another $10,000 in cash. She could have kept the money, but she turned it in to police because she “wanted to sleep with a clear conscience.” A police investigation found that the money belonged to a woman who had died two years earlier and left nothing to her family. They assumed she’d died destitute. The mystery woman’s relatives got an unexpected inheritance, and the woman who bought the basket got what she wanted, too: the knowledge that she’d done the right thing. (She also got a $3,000 reward.)

  DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING

  One evening in 2001, 97-year-old Gladys Adamson of Cambridge, England, was struck with a coughing fit so severe that it lasted for several hours. The next morning, she went to her bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. What’s so amazing about that? Adamson had been blind for five years. Doctors link the coughing fit to her miraculous recovery, but don’t really understand it.

  A QING-LY SUM

  In 2006 a London man read about a Chinese vase that fetched a fortune at a recent auction. The description sounded very similar to a red, white, and blue vase he’d inherited from his grandmother, who had received it as a retirement gift. Good luck: He had the piece appraised and discovered it was a lost treasure of the Qing dynasty, which ruled China from the 1600s until the early 1900s. It sold at auction for $175,000. Bad luck: the man’s grandmother had polished the vase so hard that she’d rubbed off the gold enamel. If she hadn’t, the vase would have been worth $2 million.

  …the color of the universe is beige.

  WHAT A CATCH

  At a San Francisco Giants game in May 2006, Andrew Morbitzer left his bleacher seat to get peanuts from a concession stand behind the centerfield wall. While he was waiting in line, he heard the crowd inside the stadium let out a tremendous roar. What was going on? Barry Bonds had just slammed his 715th home run, passing Babe Ruth on the all-time list, with the second-most home runs ever hit. The record-breaking ball sailed over the wall and landed…right in Morbitzer’s hands. He sold the ball for $220,000.

  * * *

  RANDOM FACTS

  • Thirty-five percent of personal ads are placed by people who are already married.

  • How many seeds are there on the average strawberry? 200.

  • Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, its chances of surviving are about
30% less than a cat that falls off the 20th floor. Researchers figure that it takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, then relax and prepare itself.

  • French scientists use trout to test water. The fish can detect one billionth of one gram of pesticide in a liter of water.

  • Poll results: 40% of nurses said they would not want to be treated at the hospitals in which they work.

  • By 2007, there will be more than 7,000 hotel rooms in Las Vegas’s Venetian Hotel—more than are in all of Venice, Italy.

  • Top three producers of bananas: India, Brazil, and China.

  “The best mind-altering drug is the truth.” —Lily Tomlin

  SING ALONG WITH JFK

  Uncle John is an avid music fan and record collector. But over the years he’s discovered that for every great album out there, there are lots that make you wonder, “What were they thinking?” Here’s a random sampling of some of the worst albums ever made.

  BEATLE BARKERS. A collection of 12 early Beatles hits (“Love Me Do,” “Can’t Buy Me Love,” etc.) with dogs barking the vocal parts. Cat, chicken, and sheep noises are added in…presumably to break up the monotony.

  MUSIC TO HELP CLEAN UP STREAM POLLUTION. An album of nature sounds and classical music distributed by chemical manufacturer Union Carbide.

  SING ALONG WITH JFK. No, it’s not President Kennedy singing—it’s snippets of Kennedy speeches spliced into songs. For example, the president’s spoken words, “Ask not what your country can do for you,” is echoed by chorus boys cheerfully singing, “Ask not! Ask not!” This record actually reached the Top 20 in 1963.

  POITIER MEETS PLATO. Actor Sidney Poitier delivers the Dialogues of Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher. The speeches are backed by loud, manic bebop jazz.