Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  WITH BATED BREATH

  Meaning: Waiting with great anticipation

  Origin: “It’s so common to see this phrase written as baited breath that there’s every chance it will soon become the usual form. Bated and baited sound the same, and we no longer use bated, or its verb, to bate, outside this one phrase, so confusion is almost inevitable. Bated here is a contraction of abated meaning ‘reduced or lowered in force.’ Bated breath refers to a state in which you almost stop breathing through terror, awe, extreme anticipation, or anxiety.” (From Ballyhoo, Buckaroo, and Spuds, by Michael Quinion)

  FINE KETTLE OF FISH

  Meaning: Sorry state of affairs

  Origin: “A kiddle is a basket set in the sluice ways of dams to catch fish, a device well known from the 1200s. Royal officials had the exclusive right to trap fish in kiddles, but poachers often raided the traps, frequently destroying the kiddles in the process. Perhaps an official came upon a destroyed trap and exclaimed, ‘That’s a pretty kiddle of fish,’ or something similar, and the phrase was born. Over the years, kiddle was corrupted to kettle, giving us the expression as we know it today.” (From Facts on File Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, by Robert Hendrickson)

  JURY-RIG

  Meaning: To create a temporary solution

  Origin: “The term comes from jury-mast, a makeshift mast that was made out of whatever the sailors could find around after a powerful storm ripped down the original mast. No one is really sure where ‘jury’ in this sense came from, although it could have been a corruption of injury and been a sailor’s way of making light of the ‘ouch’ received by the mast. Regardless, the use of the word jury spread aboard ship, and by the middle of the 17th century, it was being used in conjunction with anything makeshift. Eventually the term came ashore, in the sense of fixing something or making it ready to go.” (From Scuttlebutt, by Teri Degler)

  Aww! Elephants show affection for each other by entwining their trunks.

  THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER

  Meaning: Countless opportunities are available

  Origin: “It comes from Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor, which revolves around Falstaff’s attempts to gain access to two family fortunes. He is accompanied by a loud braggart named Pistol, who asks to borrow some money. When Falstaff refuses, Pistol boasts, ‘Why, then the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.’ In other words, he’ll take what he wants, whenever he wants it, by force. While most who use the phrase today don’t have the same dishonorable intentions as Pistol, they do have his boastfulness in common.” (From Inventing English, by Dale Corey)

  TO THROW THE BOOK

  Meaning: Issue a severe punishment

  Origin: “During the 1920s, most U.S. cities caught a wave of violence so severe that strong public sentiment was generated. In response, many states enacted strict laws aimed specifically at habitual criminals. In several instances a fourth conviction carried an automatic sentence of life in prison. Many judges searched for the maximum penalty when given the opportunity to sentence an old offender. Underworld gossip warned thugs to stay out of such courts because these crusaders might ‘throw everything in the statute book’ at the prisoner.” (From I’ve Got Goose Pimples, by Marvin Vanoni)

  TO HAVE A CHIP ON ONE’S SHOULDER

  Meaning: To be resentful and looking for a challenge

  Origin: “Under the rules of a game of distance and skill popular in the United States in the 1800s, one person would challenge an opponent to knock a block of wood from his shoulder—whether with an instrument or by hand is unknown—and would then measure the distance the block traveled. As the game grew more heated, the expression carried its quarrelsome connotation.” (From Tenderfeet and Ladyfingers, by Susan Sperling)

  George Clooney originally wanted to be a professional baseball player.

  LIKE, TOTALLY ’80s FADS

  Uncle John sure looked rad as he drove his DeLorean to the Wham! concert, wearing his single white glove and brand-new Members Only jacket with the collar turned up.

  LASER TAG

  George Carter got the inspiration while watching Star Wars in 1977. It took him years to work out the technology, but in 1984, he opened Photon, a laser tag arcade in Dallas, Texas. Played in a futuristic, cavernous arena, Photon let players shoot light beams at each other while climbing on catwalks surrounded by smoke, lights, and sound effects. Receptors on the players’ chests recorded “hits”; three hits eliminated a player from the half-hour match. Laser tag became a local phenomenon, and soon Photon arenas sprang up all over the United States. They were riding high when a home version of their game hit stores in 1985. Then came the competition. Worlds of Wonder—the company responsible for the Teddy Ruxpin doll—released Lazer Tag, a rip-off of the Photon set that sold better than Photon. Nearly 20 other competitors followed…and they all flopped, except for Lazer Tag, which became the hot toy for Christmas 1986. Only problem: Worlds of Wonder couldn’t make Lazer Tag sets fast enough to keep up with demand. By the time the company ramped up production, kids had moved on to the next thing. The fad was over, and Worlds of Wonder went bankrupt in 1988. The Photon chain closed in 1989.

  SWATCH WATCHES

  In 1983 Switzerland’s two biggest watchmakers were on the verge of bankruptcy because of competition from cheap Japanese watches. The companies decided to merge, and they needed to come up with a big new idea…quick. Their idea: the Swatch (short for “second watch”)—a brightly colored, casual watch available in a variety of patterns to match the wearer’s outfits. Swatches weren’t cheap: They cost over $30, a lot for a plastic watch that you’ll have to throw away eventually (one of the “features” was that there were no serviceable parts). Still, they were a hit. Teenagers, many of whom wore two or more Swatches at once, bought over 3 million in the first two years and over 100 million by the end of the 1980s.

  First video by a black artist on MTV: “Billie Jean,”…

  GARBAGE PAIL KIDS

  In the 1970s, the Topps Company made Wacky Packages, trading cards featuring takeoffs on well-known consumer products (example: “Boo-Hoo” and “Cap’n Crud” instead of Yoo-Hoo and Cap’n Crunch). In 1985 they hired comic-book artist Art Spiegel man to revive the series, and he came up with “Garbage Pail Kids,” a parody of the massively popular Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. Each card depicted a character doing something disgusting (Heavin’ Steven was a vomiting baby; Fryin’ Brian was a boy getting shocked in an electric chair). Topps liked the cards so much that they made it a separate line. They were gross, revolting…and a smash hit. Topps sold more than 200 million packs. But parents objected to the dark subject matter, and, because of the complaints, a planned cartoon series never aired and a 1987 movie bombed. When Coleco, makers of the Cabbage Patch Kids, sued Topps for copyright infringement in 1988, that slammed the lid on the garbage pail. By the time the two companies settled the suit later that year, sales had dwindled so low that the cards went out of print. (Fun fact: Art Spiegelman also wrote the Pulitzer Prize–winning graphic novel Maus.)

  FANNY PACKS

  Based on a clip-on utility pouch worn by soldiers, fanny packs were first sold to the general public at camping-supply stores in the 1960s. By the early 1980s, they had caught on with Norwegian tourists, who wore them in the United States to keep their valuables safe (they thought America was full of pickpockets). The packs’ popularity grew until they were the fad of 1988—Adweek called the fanny pack “the hottest product of the year”—and the pouches were suddenly everywhere. There were $2 nylon packs with pictures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on them for kids, Day-Glo packs for teenagers, and even $200-plus leather models. By the early 1990s, fanny packs, along with most other 1980s fashions, were passé. (But they remain popular with tourists.)

  OTHER 1980s FADS: Rubik’s Cube, the Walkman, Miami Vice, Chia Pets, Trivial Pursuit, leg warmers, Monchichis, calculator watches, acid-wash jeans, Max Headroom, the California Raisins, Pogo Balls, the Noid, Hulkamania, aviator s
hades, break dancing, He-Man, hair crimping, bare midriffs for men, Trapper Keepers, Lee Press-On Nails, jelly shoes, and Big League Chew.

  …by Michael Jackson (1½ years after MTV started).

  THE PILGRIMS, PT. II: EXODUS FROM ENGLAND

  Here’s the second part of our story of the Pilgrims’ treacherous journey to the New World in 1620. (Part I starts on page 44.)

  REBELS

  At the turn of the 17th century, secret congregations of Separatists—Protestants who wanted to worship outside the jurisdiction of the Anglican Church—lived all over England. William Brewster led a congregation in the town of Scrooby…and he was a wanted man. King James and the Church of England had mounted a campaign of oppression against these rebels and others who did not comply with the Church’s rules.

  William Bradford was another Scrooby Separatist, and years later he would write History of Plimouth Plantation. Most of what is known about the Separatists, or the “Pilgrims” as we call them today, comes from Bradford’s History. Here is his account of their decision to leave England:

  They were hunted and persecuted on every side, so as their former afflictions were as flea-bitings in comparison of these which now came upon them. For some were taken and clapt up in prison, others had their houses besett and watcht night and day…. Yet, seeing themselves thus molested, and that there was no hope of their continuance there, but a joynt consent, they resolved to goe into the Low Countries, where they heard was freedom of religion for all men.

  The “Low Countries” he referred to were the Netherlands. Brewster and the other Separatists had relocated to Amsterdam, where there was no oppressive church rule and where, because the Dutch were frequent trading partners with the English, the Separatists felt they would be welcome. And they were…at first.

  REFUGEES

  After a short time in Amsterdam, the Separatists settled in Leiden, Holland. But life wasn’t much better there. The few educated “Saints,” as the Separatists were called in Holland, found work at the university; most of them, however, settled for low-paying laborer jobs. In addition, the Leiden Separatists were often ridiculed for their devout faith by the local Dutch people (some Saints were even stoned in public). Many also feared that their children were losing their English identity. On top of all that, the Dutch were preparing to wage war against Spain. So after a decade of struggle, most of the Separatists chose, as Bradford later wrote, to “return to the prisons of England rather than endure the hardships in Holland.”

  Hi, Mom!

  A NEW WORLD

  King James, they knew, would not welcome them back. In fact, when he learned that several Separatists were returning, James threatened them with exile…unless they pledged allegiance to the Church of England. They refused.

  But where else could they go? John Robinson, pastor of the Leiden Separatists in Holland, spoke of a place across the ocean, an English settlement called Jamestown. The colony had been established a few years earlier, and those who returned told of millions of unclaimed acres of fertile land. But there were dangers: lawlessness and anarchy in Jamestown, a few unprovoked Indian attacks, and heretofore unknown diseases. Bradford recalled the group’s hesitation as well as their resolve: “It was granted the dangers were great, but not desperate; the difficulties were many, but not invincible.”

  Ultimately, emigrating was the only move that made sense. They were a people without a place, and this “America” was a place without many people. So in the spring of 1620, the decision was made—a small group of Separatists would make a pilgrimage to America and build a town that would welcome more of their brethren in the future. A delegation of Separatists asked King James to give them a charter and free passage to America; James refused, but promised not to arrest them if they left on their own. The first order of business: Find a ship.

  THE MAYFLOWER

  The first historical reference to the Mayflower is found in a 1609 Port of London record. The entry indicates that she was a merchant ship traveling between England and the Baltic ports of Northern Europe, transporting “hats, hemp, Spanish salt, hops, vinegar, and Gascon wine” to Drontheim, Norway, and returning with “tar, deals [lumber], and herring.” The ship’s master was Christopher Jones. (Only British naval ships had captains; merchant ships had masters.) The Mayflower was just one of hundreds of similar British sailing vessels. Even the name Mayflower was a common moniker for ships back then.

  Coca-Cola slogan from 1906: “The Great National Temperance Beverage.”

  Although this Mayflower would become one of the most significant ships in history, to the Separatists she was little more than a ship for hire. And to Master Jones, the Pilgrims weren’t pioneers, they were paying customers…he hoped.

  Jones named a price that was beyond the Separatists’ means. But they were determined to go to America, so they offered Jones and his crew food and valuables to make up the difference. The deal was done. But if Jones had even an inkling of the trouble that awaited him, he might have stuck to shipping cargo.

  PRESSURE TO LEAVE

  Time was of the essence. Midsummer was already approaching, and the Separatists needed to leave before the late summer storms began. They also needed to reach America by autumn to ensure sufficient time to build shelter before winter set in. Adding to the time crunch, they had to take the longer, northern route to avoid the tropical shipping lanes that were commonly patrolled by pirates. And at this point, most of the group wasn’t even in England—they were still in Holland.

  It soon became evident that the Mayflower wasn’t large enough to carry the 140 passengers and everything they needed to build a town. So the Separatists hired a second, smaller ship called the Speedwell. After Pastor John Robinson’s farewell sermon, they set sail for America, wondering if they would ever see England again. They would…and soon: Shortly after they reached the open sea, the Speedwell sprang a leak.

  Both ships had to return to port, where most of the passengers and their belongings were combined onto the Mayflower. There was now so little room on board that some of the Separatists who lived in England volunteered to stay behind and remain in hiding for another year. The rest jammed their families onto the already packed Mayflower. It was going to be a long trip.

  How would they fare in the North Atlantic?

  To find out, turn to Part III of the story on page 396.

  Go, Charlie, go! By the age of 15, a tuna may have swum over one million miles.

  BAD PRESS

  Anyone who’s ever worked on a newspaper, newsletter, magazine, or other publication (including a Bathroom Reader) has made these kinds of goofs. They’re not fun…but they’re funny.

  AFINE METH

  City Pages, a Minneapolis weekly newspaper, ran its annual “Best of the Twin Cities” article in April 2006. Along with such categories as Best Newscaster, Best Museum Exhibit, and Best Theater, they listed Best Cheap Thrill. The winner: “Crystal meth, the drug methamphetamine.” Despite a firestorm of protest from readers and law-enforcement officials, editor Steve Perry wouldn’t apologize, and explained that it was just a joke: “Though it may come as a shock to talk-radio tubthumpers and even a few of our readers,” he wrote, “every ‘Best of the Twin Cities’ issue we’ve ever done has contained items that were mainly satiric in intent. This is one.” That provoked even more of a firestorm; Perry apologized the next day.

  WE’RE NOT STOOPID

  The University of Dayton’s newspaper, Flyer News, ran an article by a communications major decrying the unfair portrayal of communications majors as unintelligent. The headline: “Communications Majors as Smart as Anyone, Stigma Is ‘Ignorant’ and Rediculous.” (They misspelled “ridiculous.”) A popular Internet site caught the gaffe and brought the paper some unwanted ridicule. Flyer editor-in-chief Jerry Martin was quick to point out that the article’s author, junior Lauren Caggiano, did not write the headline and added, “Every newspaper makes mistakes. Most of them just aren’t as ironic as that one.”

  THEY’RE
COMING TO GOT US?

  In 2004 The New York Times ran a front-page article headlined, “In Tape, Top Aide to Bin Laden Vows New Strikes at U.S.,” and quoted what they claimed was a transcript of a newly released tape in which an al-Qaeda aide said, “Bush, reinforce your security measures,” and warned of impending and devastating attacks. The only problem: The transcript was from a tape sent seven months earlier that had received wide publicity at the time. Two days later the paper printed a correction and an apology.

  Terminal velocity of a golf ball: 90 mph. Bowling ball: 350 mph.

  ANOTHER FINE METH

  In early 2006, the weekly New Times of San Luis Obispo, California, ran a cover story entitled “Meth Made Easy.” The story included an interview with a longtime meth user, a section titled “What You Can Expect from Your Homemade Meth” (example: “Meet, greet, and sleep with more people than you ever imagined”), and “Meth Fun Facts.” In addition to some gruesome facts about meth use, there was this: “A simple meth recipe can turn a $50 investment in cold pills and chemicals into an $8,000 to $10,000 profit.” The outcry was so great that in the following week’s issue, Editor Jim Mullen, who had given a staff writer the assignment and approved the story, wrote a 1,335-word “explanation and apology.” Not good enough: A week later he resigned.

  JUSTICE SAMUEL ASSASSIN

  In January 2006, during the Senate confirmation hearings for Samuel Alito’s nomination to the Supreme Court, the Purdue University student newspaper, The Exponent, ran a front-page brief. See if you can spot the error:

  Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito told senators Monday that good judges don’t have an agenda, don’t look for partisan outcomes and always “do what the law requires” as the Senate opened hearings on President Bush’s choice for the high court. “A judge can’t have any agenda. A judge can’t have a preferred outcome in any particular case,” Alito told the Judiciary Committee in a brief statement in which he made a distinction between judges and attorneys working for clients. His motive for shooting Pope John Paul in the abdomen on May 13, 1981, remains unclear.