Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  “Rejoicing in ordinary things takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.”

  “This body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now—with its aches and its pleasures—is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.”

  World’s smallest island nation: Nauru, with a total area of 8.2 square miles.

  EVERYBODY’S A CRITIC

  Even revered artists get bad reviews (and some go out of their way to give them).

  “He is as unacquainted with art as a hog with mathematics.”

  —The London Critic, on poet Walt Whitman

  “He might have been a great composer if his teacher had spanked him enough on his backside.”

  —Ludwig van Beethoven, on Rossini

  “I like his music better than any other. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says. That is a great advantage.”

  —Oscar Wilde, on composer Richard Wagner

  “Never have I read such tosh. As for the first two chapters we will let them pass, but the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th—merely the scratchings of pimples on the body of the bootboy at Claridges.”

  —Virginia Woolf, on James Joyce’s Ulysses

  “He sang like a hinge.”

  —Ethel Merman, describing Cole Porter

  “Take from him his sophisms, futilities, and incomprehensibilities and what remains? His foggy mind.”

  —Thomas Jefferson, on Plato

  “Howl is meant to be a noun, but I can’t help taking it as an imperative.”

  —Partisan Review, on Allen Ginsberg’s poem Howl

  “Composition indeed! Decomposition is the proper word for such hateful fungi!”

  —Dramatic and Musical World, on the work of Franz Liszt

  “As a piece of good taste, it ranks with that statuette of the Milo Venus with the clock in her stomach.”

  —Dorothy Parker, on an essay by Upton Sinclair

  Puppy love: 3% of pet owners give Valentine’s Day gifts to their pets.

  VOTE FOR ME!

  Do political campaigns bring out the best in people? Apparently not.

  GRASSROOTS CAMPAIGN

  In 2005 Edward Forchion, also known as “Weedman,” ran for governor of New Jersey on the slogan “Take a Toke, Then Vote!” The self-proclaimed leader of the “Marijuana Party,” Forchion had also run in 1998. About the 2005 campaign, he said, “It’s a whole angrier thing.” He was angry because he’d spent five months in jail in 2002 for filming a TV ad promoting the legalization of marijuana, which prosecutors said was a violation of his parole. (He was on parole after serving 16 months for distribution of marijuana.) When a federal judge freed Forchion, finding that the arrest violated his right to free speech, Forchion wanted revenge. “My whole reason for running for office is to specifically give the finger to the attorney general,” he said. (Forchion got 8,271 votes, coming in 6th out of 10 candidates.)

  CANDIDATE FROM CELL BLOCK C

  In November 2005, Randy Logan Hale won one of three available seats for the Romoland School District board in Riverside, California. People in the district were confused: They had never seen Hale at any board meetings, and he hadn’t attended any of the candidate events, either. A call to his wife, Penny, cleared it up: He was in jail. The school board candidate had been incarcerated since September for parole violations stemming from a 1998 spousal-abuse conviction. Penny Hale said that her husband had run for a school board seat because “he cares about kids.” When he won, she said, “He’ll be glad.” But you have to be a registered voter to run for office, and convicted felons aren’t allowed to vote. In May 2006, Hale was charged with perjury, forgery, and voter fraud.

  HEART OF THE MATTER

  When California farmer and businessman Tom Berryhill entered the Republican primary for assemblyman in 2006, he probably didn’t expect his “heart” to be questioned quite the way it was. His opponent, former Modesto City Councilman Bill Conrad, sent out a mailer with the red-lettered headline, “Tom Berryhill doesn’t have the HEART for State Assembly.” What was he referring to? The fact that Berryhill was a heart transplant recipient. Conrad’s letter continued with “Heart Transplant Facts”:

  Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, is the Troll Capital of the World.

  • The Average Lifespan of a Heart Transplant recipient is seven years. (Berryhill’s heart transplant was six years ago.)

  • Heart Transplant patients take anti-rejection medications for life, which weaken the immune system making the recipient more susceptible to illness and death

  • Severe stress SIGNIFICANTLY shortens the life expectancy of Heart Transplant recipients.

  The ad continued, “Can you imagine the costs to taxpayers for a special election when poor health renders him unable to fulfill the duties of office?” The letter was condemned, mocked, ridiculed, and lambasted by the press (and voters in the district). “He’s set a new low,” said Berryhill. “This is the type of thing that keeps good people from running for office.” (Happy ending: Berryhill won.)

  MORALLY BANKRUPT

  In early 2006, Arizona resident Mike Harris argued in court that child-support payments to his ex-wife were putting him “near bankruptcy.” The judge cut the payments in half, from $2,000 a month to $1,000. But just months after the case, Harris, a candidate for Arizona governor, somehow found his financial situation improved—he donated $100,000 of his own money to his campaign. Questioned by reporters, Harris said he was simply doing better…but he wouldn’t be increasing his payments to his ex-wife.

  OTHER STANDOUTS

  • George W. Bush didn’t win in 2004. Neither did John Kerry. It was Green Party candidate David Cobb. A survey of dentists by the California Dental Association said Cobb had the “most attractive” and “most trustworthy” smile.

  • In June 2006, Republican Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave of Colorado received an unusual “gift” at her office. The package, wrapped in one of the reelection campaign mailers that had been sent to her constituents, was full of dog poop. Using the address on the mailer, police tracked the package back to Kathleen Ensz, a prominent local Democratic party official, who was cited for criminal use of a noxious substance (the dog poop).

  Before the Rockies or the Alps were formed, the dinosaurs were already extinct.

  REVENGE!

  A dish best served cold. These people must have had theirs in the freezer.

  PHOTO FINISH

  In February 2006, a man who gave his address simply as “Wales” offered 200 photos of his sexily attired wife for sale on eBay. “She was playing away with my so-called best friend,” he wrote, “and now it’s payback time.” He asked £4.99 ($8.75) each and sold them all in less than 24 hours. An eBay spokesman told reporters, “We saw no reason to take the listing off.”

  HE WAS FRAMED

  In the 1950s, Greek shipping magnate Stavros Niarchos commissioned Salvador Dali to paint his portrait. The price: $15,000. But Dali was incensed when Niarchos got up and left the sitting after just the face was done, telling Dali he could finish the painting without him. Dali did—he drew a very unflattering naked body to go along with the pompous man’s head…and then sold it to Niarchos’s rival, Aristotle Onassis, for $25,000. Years later, Onassis had Niarchos over for lunch one day, just so he could show him the embarrassing portrait hanging on his dining room wall. (Onassis finally agreed to let Niarchos buy it back…for $75,000.)

  NAUGHTY NEIGHBOR

  In September 2005, Darren Wood began work on a new home for his family in Riverton, Utah. That started an ongoing feud with his neighbor-to-be, Stan Torgersen, who thought Wood was building too close to his existing home, endangering the foundation of his house and ruining his view. Torgersen tried to get the city to stop construction of the new home, which cost Wood time and money to plead his case. Wood got his revenge when, almost a year later, the house finally went up. It had a large, specially made
window that directly faced his neighbor's house. Wood said it was a piece of art, made to look like a “beautiful cactus.” Torgersen—and just about anybody else who saw the window—thought it looked a lot like a hand…with its middle finger raised.

  Try to hold it in until then: October 12 is International Moment of Frustration Scream Day.

  THE CULTURE CLUB

  Do you know what pukana is? How about a “walking marriage,” or bhoonda? Neither did we, until we saw these news stories and decided to take a look.

  CULTURE: Maori people of New Zealand

  IN THE NEWS: In 2005 Michael Walker, one of New Zealand’s leading jockeys, was ordered by racing officials to stop celebrating racing wins in his preferred way: by rolling his eyes and sticking out his tongue as he continues to ride around the track. They said he was being disrespectful of the other racers.

  BACKGROUND: Walker is Maori, one of New Zealand’s indigenous people, and he was performing the ancient ritual of pukana. “I am very proud of where I come from and my heritage. People probably thought I was doing it to be cheeky,” Walker told the New Zealand Herald. “That is not the case.”

  “Pukana is an action derived from times of war, to make your face fierce and warlike,” explained Pita Sharples of the nation’s Maori Party. “Over time the fighting aspect had been modernized to now demonstrate solidarity with the Maori culture. It is now a sign of pride. He is saying, ‘Hey, I am Maori and I have won.’”

  Walker vowed to continue celebrating his wins with pukana. “I don’t think it puts a bad image on racing,” he said. “If anything, it has brought a bit of color.”

  CULTURE: Mosuo people of China

  IN THE NEWS: In 2005 PBS’s Frontline aired a TV program called “The Women’s Kingdom.” It told the story of the Mosuo people who live around Lugu Lake in the Himalayas of southern China, and are one of the world’s few remaining matriarchal societies. Women are in charge in every aspect, including family finances, raising children…and the bedroom.

  BACKGROUND: The Mosuo practice what is called “walking marriages.” A woman gives a man a signal, either subtly or by simply telling him that he will be “walking to” her room that evening. In the morning the man goes home to his mother’s house. The woman may choose the same man night after night for years, or she may choose another whenever she wants; it’s up to her. Any children that result from a union are raised in the mother’s house and are taken care of by her brothers. The father will have little to do with the child; his duties are at his own home, where he helps to raise the children of his sisters.

  An Arctic woolly bear caterpillar can live 14 years before it turns into a moth.

  Some other peculiarities of the Mosuo: The religious script (Tomba) used by their priests is the world’s only true ideographic (picture-based) language still in use today. Also, the Mosuo language contains no words for “murder,” “rape,” or “war,” and they have no jails.

  CULTURE: Hill towns of Himachal Pradesh, northern India

  IN THE NEWS: In 2005 people in the town of Shimla in the Indian Himalayas strung a thick rope across a mountain gorge, one end higher than the other. A saddle was placed on the higher end of the rope. Thirty-five-year-old Kanwar Singh was then brought to the site. Sandbags were tied to his feet (to help him keep the balance he was going to need), he was placed on the saddle, a shroud was put over his head—and he was pushed down the 600-foot length of rope. His wife “readied herself for widowhood, already loose haired, wailing, breast-beating as death was certain,” India News reported.

  BACKGROUND: Singh was performing a ritual known as bhoonda. Experts say the ritual’s origins are unclear, but it dates to at least medieval times. Traditionally, a man from the local community was chosen three months before the ceremony. While living in the village temple during this period, he wove a rope made of grass, approximately 500 hath long (a hath is the length between the elbow and the tip of the middle finger). On the appointed day, the man and his wives made a ceremonial march to the top of the hill in a “procession of the gods.” There the rope was strung across the gorge and a woolen saddle laid on the rope. The man was then seated and at a signal from the priest, pushed downhill. His survival, according to historians, “depended purely on chance.”

  India outlawed bhoonda in 1962 because of its obvious dangers. But 10 years later it was made legal again after protests by people in the region. As for Singh, he had the gods on his side in 2005, and calmly stepped off the saddle after his hair-raising ride. “It was amazing. He was so calm when he slid down the rope,” one spectator said. “He is truly a hero.”

  So that’s why they’re not allowed in church: Glow sticks contain an ingredient called luciferin.

  SUPERMAN, STARRING JAMES CAAN

  Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that it’s hard to imagine that he or she wasn’t the first choice for the part. Can you imagine, for example…

  TOM HANKS AS JERRY MAGUIRE (Jerry Maguire—1996) Cameron Crowe wrote the movie and created the role of a shallow sports agent specifically for Tom Hanks. But Hanks turned him down—he was too busy filming his directorial debut, That Thing You Do. Tom Cruise was reluctant to do the movie (he didn’t want to be anybody’s second choice), but did it and was nominated for an Oscar. Hanks’s movie bombed.

  JOHN TRAVOLTA AS JIM MORRISON (The Doors—1991) John Travolta was the front-runner for the Morrison role. He met with the surviving members of the Doors in 1986 and impressed them so much that they gave director Oliver Stone their approval to go ahead with Travolta. They even considered going on tour with him as lead singer. Ultimately, though, they decided Travolta was “too nice” to replace Morrison, both onscreen and off.

  JADA PINKETT-SMITH AS TRINITY (The Matrix—1999) Readers of Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader may recall that Will Smith turned down the role of Neo in The Matrix. But it could have been a family affair: Smith’s wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith, went on multiple auditions for the female lead and thought she had nailed the part. Then little-known actress Carrie-Anne Moss auditioned once…and got it. But the film’s directors, Larry and Andy Wachowski, did like Pinkett-Smith—so much that they cast her in both sequels, The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions.

  SYLVESTER STALLONE AS AXEL FOLEY (Beverly Hills Cop—1984) The script was written in 1977 as an action movie for Stallone. But by the time production started in 1983, cop movies were stale. Producers wanted to make the film more of a comedy, but Stallone actually wanted more action and violence. Two weeks before filming, Stallone quit. Producers decided to play up the comedy, ordered a rewrite, and hired Eddie Murphy.

  Don’t touch! The “warts” on a toad are actually toxin-filled glands.

  CHARLIZE THERON AS NOMI MALONE (Showgirls—1995) Theron auditioned for the role of the criminal-turned-stripper, then took herself out of the running. The part went to Elizabeth Berkeley. The movie, one of the most notorious bombs of all time, flopped, and pretty much ended Berkeley’s career. Theron later called her decision “a blessing.”

  JAMES CAAN AS SUPERMAN (Superman—1978) After starting off the 1970s with a starring role in The Godfather, by 1977 Caan was in a career slump. Director Richard Donner was working on the first Superman movie and offered Caan the lead. At the time, action-movie roles were mostly the territory of TV stars, and Caan, a serious actor, didn’t want to be lumped in with those guys. He told Donner, “There’s no way I’m getting into that silly suit.” The part went to TV actor Christopher Reeve.

  JODIE FOSTER AS PRINCESS LEIA (Star Wars—1977) Carrie Fisher got the part—she was director George Lucas’s first choice. But Fisher was more interested in pursuing a career as a writer than as an actress, and Lucas feared she might drop out before filming began. So he had another actress ready to go: Jodie Foster, who was only 15 at the time. (Lucas had seen her act in the role of a child prostitute in Taxi Driver and was convinced she could do it.)

  HENRY WINKLER AS DANNY ZUKO (Grease—1978) It’
s not too hard to imagine Winkler in this part. The role of a tough, leather-jacket-wearing 1950s greaser is pretty similar to Fonzie, the character Winkler played on Happy Days. And that’s exactly why Winkler didn’t do it: He didn’t want to be typecast.

  GARY COOPER AS RHETT BUTLER (Gone With the Wind—1939) Cooper was the producers’ first choice, but he’d hated the book and thought a movie was a bad idea. “Gone With the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history,” he said after Clark Gable had been cast, “and I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”

  Yellow fever: The average American eats 28 pounds of bananas a year.

  NUDES & PRUDES

  News of the scantily clad and the folks they make mad.

  NUDE: In February 2005, an Auckland, New Zealand, man charged with indecent exposure arrived at the courthouse to answer the charges…naked. Simon Oosterman, 24, had been arrested a week earlier for taking part in the Auckland Naked Bike Ride, which was organized to protest dependence on automobiles. Now he was protesting the arrest. “There has to be a distinction,” Oosterman said, “between people flashing young girls and simple public nudity.”

  PRUDE: In June 2004 Oleg Shlyk, the deputy governor of Kaliningrad, Russia, ordered female government employees to stop wearing short skirts and sexy makeup to work. His reason: The women were arousing the “animal instincts” of male government workers. But by trying to encourage public modesty, Shlyk ended the object of public ridicule. “If short skirts and makeup distract him and he cannot control himself to direct his energy correctly,” said Yuri Matochkin, a deputy of the regional parliament, “he ought to change his job.”