Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
Page 39
In Sweden, it’s against the law to teach a seal to balance a ball on its nose.
Violence raged for the next 16 hours. Bands of whites drove through the streets of Greenwood, shooting any black person they saw. One black man tried to escape by running into a theater; the mob caught and murdered him on the stage. Many blacks fled the city. Those who stayed behind were rounded up and placed in internment camps. When the National Guard finally restored order, Greenwood was in ruins. At least 150 people were dead and 1,200 homes and businesses had burned to the ground. Aside from the loss of life, property damage was estimated at $1.5 million. The black community never recovered from the disaster. No arrests were ever made, and some months later the case against Dick Rowland was dismissed when Sarah Page chose not to press charges.
SURVIVORS
The financial crash of 1929, followed by the hard times of the Great Depression and agricultural losses of the Dust Bowl, brought an end to those early glory days of black self-sufficiency in the Midwest. Many black township residents fled west to California or north to Chicago, looking for work or a better way of life.
Today only 13 of the 29 predominantly black towns in Oklahoma still exist: Boley, Brooksville, Clearview, Grayson, Langston, Lima, Redbird, Rentiesville, Summit, Taft, Tatums, Tullahassee, and Vernon. They remain a living testimonial to the courage and grit of the former slaves who founded them, and the American Dream they hoped to find out West.
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MORE SPICY FACTS
• Cinnamon and cassia were essential ingredients in the embalming methods of the ancient Egyptians, as were anise, marjoram, and cumin.
• The famous legal code of King Hammurabi contains numerous regulations controlling the use of spices in Babylonian medicine.
• When the Visigoths besieged Rome in A.D. 408, they demanded (and received) a ransom of pepper, along with gold and silver, to call off their attack.
Chewing gum can help improve your memory (but you have to remember to buy the gum).
MODERN MYSTERIES
Even in a world of science, some things still can’t be explained.
POISONOUS PRIEST
According to the United News of India, Hindu priest Biswanath Kanwar of Jharkhand was bitten by a king cobra in 2005…and the cobra died. The priest was feeding milk to the 3½-foot-long snake, something he did regularly at the Nagdevata temple, when it suddenly bit him on the hand. The cobra immediately became very still, started vomiting, and then died. Kanwar was taken to a local hospital, where doctors said he was fine.
DON’T GO IN THE GARAGE
In November 2005, remote garage door openers in a section of Ottawa, Ontario, suddenly stopped working. Hundreds of them. “It affects a 25-mile radius,” said J.P. Cleroux of Ram Overhead Door Systems. “That’s huge.” According to Cleroux, there was a powerful radio signal—at 390-megahertz, the same as the signal used by the remote door openers—interfering with the devices. Where did it come from? A rumor quickly circulated that it emanated from the American Embassy, but the embassy denied transmitting the signal, and two weeks after it began…it went away. And, just as mysteriously, the doors started working again.
A LIGHT MEAL
Hira Ratan Manek of Kerala, India, claims he hasn’t eaten since 1995. Manek says he started studying “sun-gazing” after retiring in 1992 at the age of 55—and now gets all his nourishment from it. “Every evening, I gaze at the sun for an hour without batting an eyelid. This is my main food.” From 2000 to 2001, an international team of doctors and scientists observed Manek as he went for 411 days without food; NASA scientists observed him at Thomas Jefferson University in Pennsylvania as he fasted for 130 days. They verified that Manek went the entire time—more than four months—with only water and his sun-gazing technique. They now identify the mysterious technique with Manek’s initials, calling it the “HRM” phenomenon.
Venice gondola rule of thumb: If it isn’t painted black, it belongs to a high official.
READING TOMBSTONES
If you’ve ever walked through a cemetery, you’ve probably noticed that many tombstones, especially older ones, are decorated with flowers, animals, and other symbols. Here’s a look at what some of them represent.
Butterflies: The three stages of the butterfly’s life—caterpillar, cocoon, and butterfly—represent life, death, and rebirth.
Daisies: Innocence. Daisies are frequently found on the graves of children.
Sheaf of wheat: A long and productive life. Frequently found on the graves of people who lived past the age of 70.
A woman holding a candle, lamp, or cross: Faith.
Pomegranates: Holiness, unity, love, and hope of immortality and resurrection.
Two hands clasping each other: A married couple. Look closely at the hands—one hand will be masculine, the other feminine.
Curtains, doors, or gates: Transition to the next world.
Elephants: Strength and happiness. Sometimes it just means the deceased liked to travel to exotic places.
Pine cones: Immortality.
A crane standing on one leg: Vigilance; these birds are often found perched atop mausoleums and other monuments. (Legend has it the birds sleep standing on one leg while holding a small stone in the claw of the other leg. If they sleep too deeply, they drop the stone onto the other leg, which wakes them up.)
A human foot: Humility (it’s the part of the body that touches the ground).
An empty chair, often with a small pair of shoes nearby: The death of a child.
A broken Roman column: A life cut short.
Acorns: Prosperity.
An angel, a lion, an ox, and an eagle: The authors of the four gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, in that order.
Coins: Charity.
Chrysanthemums: Longevity, immortality. (The plants are hardy and their flowers last well into winter.)
How’d they get there? Ancient Roman coins have been found in America.
A closed book: A completed life.
A candelabra: It’s lighting the way to the next world.
A woman holding a bottle: The bottle is a tear bottle and represents the sadness of those who mourn the deceased.
Oxen: Patience, humility, and hard work.
Snails: Often used purely for decoration; sometimes they represent self-sufficiency. (Snails carry their houses with them wherever they go.)
A woman nursing an infant: Charity. She can also be depicted carrying food or clothing for the needy.
Hummingbirds: Purely decorative, they mean absolutely nothing, except perhaps that the deceased liked hummingbirds.
A crescent hanging from a scimitar: The deceased was a Shriner.
An elk: The deceased was a member of the Elks Club.
An ear of corn: Fertility and rebirth.
Pelican: Self-sacrifice. People used to believe that a mother pelican fed her young her own blood, taken from a gash she tore into her own breast.
A pair of dice: The deceased was a Christian. After Jesus was crucified, the Roman soldiers cast dice to see who got to keep his undergarment. (Either that, or the deceased liked to gamble.)
A “Buddhist” or backwards swastika: Sometimes seen on Japanese gravemarkers. Christianity was banned in Japan in the 17th century, so Christians who wanted a cross on their tombstone often disguised it by making it into a swastika.
A coffin and some shovels: A sexton, whose duties included digging graves in this very cemetery, is buried here.
A nude figure: Innocence. You’re born naked and you don’t get to take anything with you when you die, either.
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“Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
The letter combination “ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways.
MATT’S MUSINGS
Matt Groening (rhymes with raining) majored in philosophy in college…and then went on to create the world’s most popular cartoon, The Simpsons.
“I grew up completely overwhelmed by TV, and part of the reason I went into television is as a way to justify to myself all those wasted hours of watching TV as a kid. I can now look back and say, ‘Oh, that was research.’”
“Of all the Simpsons, I like Homer the best because he is basically free of guilt. He loves what he loves, hates what he hates with every fiber of his being, but his addiction to heavily salted snacks and unrepentant laziness is something that I certainly relate to.”
“Animation is like being God, creating these living beings out of pen and ink and making them do your bidding and punishing them for their folly.”
“I think it’s a mistake for cartoonists to demand cartoons be treated as art. Cartoons are cartoons. I don’t care if you call them art, literature—they’re cartoons! They’re the most fun things out there! So what if you don’t get respect?”
“The Simpsons’ message over and over again is that your moral authorities don’t always have your best interests in mind. Teachers, principals, clergymen, politicians—on The Simpsons, they’re all goofballs, and I think that’s a great message for kids.”
“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.”
“It’s always fun to tell a joke that makes all the kids laugh but which confuses and annoys the teacher. And that’s what I try to do as a grownup: entertain part of the audience and annoy another part.”
“The history of TV has traditionally been not to do anything that would scandalize grandma or upset junior. Our solution on The Simpsons is to do jokes that people who have an education can get. And the ones who don’t, it doesn’t matter, because we have Homer banging his head and saying, ‘D’oh!’”
Hugo’s Les Miserables contains one of the longest sentences in French literature—823 words.
LEGALLY SPEAKING
So you’re watching Law and Order on TV, or maybe you find yourself in court (we won’t ask why), and you suddenly realize you have no idea what the judge and lawyers are talking about. Ta-da! Here’s a handy legal-phrase guide.
Litigant. A participant in the trial or hearing.
Plaintiff. The side that filed the lawsuit.
Defendant. The person on trial (or being sued).
Prosecutor. The lawyer who represents the state (or city) in a criminal case.
Defense attorney. The lawyer who represents the defendant.
Brief. A document written by each side that outlines and supports their arguments.
Deposition. Testimony of a witness taken outside the courtroom, usually in a lawyer’s office.
Arraignment. The first court appearance of a person accused of a crime, usually when a plea is entered.
Writ. A legal paper filed to start various types of civil suits.
Affidavit. A written statement made under oath.
Bail. Also called “bond.” Money accepted by the court for the temporary release of a defendant, given as a guarantee they will show up for trial.
Statute of limitations. The window of time during which someone can be charged with a crime.
Bench warrant. If a defendant out on bail doesn’t show up for trial, the judge issues this to order that person’s immediate arrest.
Cross-examination. Questioning by the other side’s attorney.
Contempt of court. Being disrespectful in court or disobeying a judge’s order. It often comes with a punishment of a night in jail.
Felony. A criminal offense carrying a sentence of more than one year in prison.
Misdemeanor. A minor crime with a maximum penalty of a year in jail or a fine of no more than $2,000.
The naked truth: Men are four times more likely than women to sleep in the nude.
Subpoena. An order to appear in court to testify.
Infraction. A minor offense, like a speeding ticket. It doesn’t require a court case.
Criminal case. A lawsuit in which the government charges a person with a crime.
Civil action. When one party sues another, not involving the government, such as a divorce or child-support suit.
Testimony. A witness’s oral account, presented as evidence.
Jury trial. A group of citizens hear testimony and evidence presented by both sides, and decide the winner of a lawsuit, or whether a criminal act was committed.
Bench trial. Trial by a judge, not by a jury.
Grievance. A complaint filed by litigants against an attorney or judge.
Habeas corpus. A court order used to bring a person physically to court.
Voir dire. The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses. It’s Latin for “to speak the truth.”
Continuance. The postponement of a case to a date in the near future.
Tort. A civil injury or wrong to a person or their property.
No contest. A plea in a criminal case that allows the defendant to be convicted without an admission of guilt.
Plea bargain. An agreement the defendant makes to avoid a trial, usually involving pleading guilty to lesser charges in exchange for a lighter sentence.
Hung jury. When a jury cannot agree and reaches no verdict.
Capital crime. A crime punishable by death.
Damages. Monetary compensation paid for a legal wrong.
Injunction. A court order to do (or not do) something, like pay child support or attend drug counseling.
Appeal. Asking a higher court to review a previous court’s decision (or sentence).
Trial de novo. A new trial or retrial.
You cannot burp in space.
DESTINATION: CANADA
Why visit the CN Tower and Edmonton Mall when you can see Joe’s Scarecrows and Happy Rock?
Attraction: Happy Rock
Location: Gladstone, Manitoba
Story: High atop a building the size of a storage shed sits the Happy Rock (nicknamed “the Canadian Ambassador of Smiles”)—a 15-foot-tall fake rock wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and white gloves. Why a “happy rock”? Because it’s the city of “Gladstone” (get it?). The rock was designed by a 10-year-old boy in 1993 and built specifically to draw visitors to this tiny town of 900 people. According to the Chamber of Commerce, if you get your picture taken under the Happy Rock, it will bring you good luck.
Attraction: Joe’s Scarecrows
Location: Cheticamp, Nova Scotia
Story: In 1946 someone told Joe Delaney not to bother putting a garden in his yard—the area was too close to salt water for anything to grow—so Delaney decided to raise scarecrows instead. At first he just put in a few and dressed them up to look like actors and politicians. Tourists started stopping to look at them, so Delaney started adding more. Today more than 100 scarecrows occupy his yard.
Attractions: The World Famous Gopher Hole Museum
Locations: Torrington, Alberta
Story: The Gopher Hole Museum showcases real gophers (dead, stuffed, and dressed like people) in dioramas depicting life in Canada, past and present. Scenes include gophers hunting, playing hockey, eating dinner, going to church, and perhaps strangest of all, attending the Gopher Hole Museum. But wait! Canada is a big country—big enough for two tourist attractions featuring stuffed gophers. The other one, sadly closed now, was Gopherville in Langenburg, Saskatchewan—a miniature Wild West town where the gophers were dressed like cowboys, sheriffs, and frontier prostitutes, posed in Wild West situations like saloons and gunfights.
First Canadian in space: Marc Garneau (1984).
Attraction: Criminals Hall of Fame Wax Museum
Location: Niagara Falls, Ontario
Story: Many museums around the world display wax statues of famous, familiar people. This is the only one that exclusively features criminals (most of them American). Outside, a police car parked in front sets the mood. Inside are notorious murderers rendered in wax, including old-school criminals such as Al Capone and Bugsy Siegel, and modern creeps like cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer (getting a “snack” from a refrigerator) an
d Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh in an orange prison jumpsuit. At the end of the tour, visitors can have their picture taken in an electric chair that buzzes when you sit in it.
Attraction: World’s Largest Hockey Stick (and Puck)
Location: Duncan, British Columbia
Story: For the 1986 Vancouver World Fair, the Canadian government commissioned this, the ultimate symbol of Canada. The world’s largest hockey stick—made of Douglas fir and steel—measures 205 feet (five feet longer than an NHL rink) and weighs 61,000 pounds. The giant puck which, like the stick, is 40 times life size, sits atop a pole next to the stick. After the Fair, both stick and puck were moved from Vancouver to Duncan, where they currently sit in front of the Cowichan Community Centre.
Attraction: Funomena Mobile Museum of the Weird and Strange
Location: Regina, Saskatchewan
Story: Calling itself the “world’s smallest museum,” it features 13 exhibits, a souvenir shop, and a tour guide, all inside a 10-foot-long camper trailer. Exhibits include a set of silverware that supposedly belonged to Satan, a weeping statue, artifacts of Bigfoot, a half-human half-fish creature, a “miracle healing chair,” and a portrait of Elvis Presley made with Presley’s own hair.
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MARK TWAIN ON BOOKS
“I like a thin book because it will steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor, and a heavy book because it can be thrown at the cat.”
For more than 600 years, the official language of England was…French.
MAKING THE GODFATHER, PT. II
Is this part two of our story of the making of The Godfather: Part I… or is it part one of our story of the making of The Godfather: Part II? Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. Read on and see for yourself. (Part I is one page 91.)