The Recognitions

by William Gaddis

  —She . . . she didn’t mean anything, Stanley said putting a hand out.

  —Well Chrahst nobody means anything, Feasley drew away muttering, and stood rubbing the floor with his shoe.

  —But you . . . you’re all right, about money? you did have plenty of money, if you could buy an airplane . . . ?

  —That thing, it crashed in Florida. Were you ever in Tampa? I mean to Chrahst what a lousy town that is, Tampa. They were nasty as hell about it.

  —You crashed? in a plane crash?

  —I was taking off, I hit this flock of lousy birds.

  —But you got out all right? you weren’t hurt?

  —Chrahst no, I never knew what happened after I saw those white birds right in front of me. I was drunk. I mean Chrahst, what a Chrahst-awful mess everything is, everything at once.

  Ed Feasley stood watching his toe rub the floor board, grinding a cigarette stub there into the wood, and would not look up until their continued silence provoked him. He looked up, and they looked down.

  —I mean, my old man, Chrahst I never liked the old bastard, but I . . . I hate like hell to see him like this, just . . . just sitting there and he can’t move a thing, he just sits there.

  When Hannah started to speak, Stanley looked at her apprehensively as though he expected some note of acid triumph (and she had, at that, been referred to in a news item on her arrest the night she was doing her laundry in the subway washroom, as a Stalinist, or Trotskyite, or the parent that combined them both, some such); for each of these two seemed to feel that they had suddenly lost a friend, or at the least an affluent acquaintance upon whom they could call in some moment of extremity, as indeed they had: or say that someone of those dimensions had simply gone out of their lives, and someone else, bearing superficial resemblances, come in. So Stanley was surprised to see the same expression on Hannah’s face that he felt on his own; and her tone, which could not help but be bitter, perhaps the more so for all this, was a relief for she changed the subject abruptly with, —Do you remember that fucking faggot that knocked me down at Max’s party that night? Have you heard about him?

  —Herschel . . . what?

  —He’s a movie star.

  —Him?

  —He’s a movie star. He’s the new most eligible bachelor in Hollywood.

  —Good Chrahst.

  —He’s going to be Saint Sebastian in a movie about the Virgin Mary.

  —But he was . . . Saint Sebastian was third century . . . Stanley complained feebly.

  —Good Chrahst. I mean, this is like a post mortem, like the night that Otto and I . . . Chrahst. I don’t know. Ed Feasley looked round him. —I mean when I come down here all these people remind me of parts of me that never grew up.

  —We live in a country that never grew up.

  —We live in a whole God damn world that never grew up, said Ed Feasley. —And everybody’s leaving. I mean, he looked round again, —everybody’s gone. Where are they going? What are they going to do when they get over there?

  —Bildow’s going over to get laid, said Hannah.

  —I mean Chrahst, I almost don’t blame him. You know? The only use I ever found for a condom was to fill it up with water and roll it around on the floor. We used to do that in college. I mean you’d be surprised how tremendous they get. It’s like a big piece of water with nothing around it rolling around.

  —Do you think there would be so many queers around if there were a few good whorehouses in town? Hannah demanded sharply. —No, here they’d rather see their boys go to bed with a picture of some movie star with big boobs, and go on a five-fingered honeymoon like Anselm used to say, with a movie star.

  —I know. I mean Chrahst, every time I’ve gone out to bars looking for a girl I end up drunk talking to some old man.

  All three of them stood staring at the floor.

  Don Bildow left, looking as vengeful as plastic rims would allow. He had just learned that someone he knew had been arrested trying to charge a three-hundred-dollar suit to the account of someone neither of them knew. Someone else discovered that the old man in black coat, black hat, black rubbers, and black umbrella, was not the art critic for Old Masses at all, but had been hired to go round to galleries because he looked the part (and could keep warm this way); the columns were written by someone in Jersey City, who mailed them in because she never came to New York. The old man left, carrying a glass of beer with him. And down the bar, the Big Unshaven Man was offered a job writing the lonely-hearts column for a newspaper in Buffalo.

  —What I get a kick out of is these serious writers who write a book where they say money gives a false significance to art, and then they raise hell when their book doesn’t make any money.

  —Here, put this in the juke-box. Play Return to Sorrento.

  —That’s what’s playing.

  —Play it again.

  —Chrahst I wish they’d stop playing that and play On the Sunny Side of the Street.

  Stanley had been simply standing there dumbly, staring at the dirty floor, until Hannah asked him what he was going to do next day.

  —Well first I, I guess I’ll go over to Bellevue, he said. —Why?

  —I thought maybe you’d go with me to get a passport.

  —But you, you’re going too? To Rome?

  —Rome, for Christ sake? I’m going to Paris. All he could say was, —But . . . looking at her. Hannah looked straight up into his face; and then as suddenly as he had turned, she stood on her toes and kissed him. —Because I may not see you again, she said, and was gone. He stood there, his mustache trembled, and he pressed a finger against it where she had kissed him.

  —You know? said Ed Feasley beside him, —I mean I feel like I’ve left little parts of me all over the place. Like I could spend the rest of my life trying to collect them and I never could. These pieces of me and pieces of other people all screwed up and spread all over the place. I mean there are people you . . . do something with and then you never see them again. Like Otto, you know? Where the hell is he?

  —I don’t know, Stanley said clearly, but he continued to stare at the floor.

  —I mean he’s probably raising hell and having a good time somewhere, you know? But Chrahst, a good time! I mean like the night we went to that party up in Harlem with all the queers, that seems like ten years ago, that little nigger in the lavender dress standing at the next urinal. And then there was this blonde, a woman, I mean I can still hear her singing, If you can’t get Maxwell House coffee by the can get Lipton’s tea by the balls, I mean Chrahst I can hear it now. I never got over that night somehow, it got me somehow, I even remember what the soap smelled like, this kind of medical smell, I mean why does the soap always have a medical smell in a place like that? You’d think it would be scented. Where you going, you leaving already?

  —It’s late, Stanley said. —I’m going home.

  —Yes but home, I mean late, and then there was this marathon walker, but I mean Chrahst I mean, how long?

  —Half an hour, Ellery said thickly. —I’ll meet you there.

  —One of us better go with you, Morgie said. —You can hardly walk.

  —I told you, like I told you, I told you I’m just going to drop up there alone for a minute, I’ll meet you at the whatever the nightclub I’ll meet you.

  They helped him into a cab, which got him to Esther’s address before he went to sleep in the back seat. He had difficulty getting out, but he managed, staggering into the doorway, and pushed the first button his thumb found. Then he climbed, stopping every now and then to try to count the number of flights he’d come up, and finally knocked at the door halfwa down the hall. There was no answer. He put his hand on the knob, it turned, and there stood a little girl with a fly swatter.

  —Rose? She stared up at him. —What’s the matter, is she asleep?

  —Yes, the little girl said. —She’s still asleep.

  He followed her in mumbling, —Rose, Rose, you’re like a kid, Rose. There was a strange smel
l in the place. It became stronger as he approached the bedroom.

  —See? She’s still asleep. The little girl pointed with the fly swatter at the figure in the bed, and repeated, —She’s still asleep.

  The smell was overpowering. Ellery almost fell on the bed; but he steadied himself and stared. He got out a cigarette, but dropped it.

  —She’s still asleep, and I’m keeping the flies off her.

  —Rose. Christ. Jesus . . . He turned away heaving.

  —They say at school there aren’t flies in winter, the little girl went on, while he was sick over the back of a chair, —but there are, and I’m keeping them off her.

  He hung there for a minute, and then pulled a dresser scarf close enough to wipe his mouth on it.

  —Because there are flies in winter, here there are . . .

  He turned slowly holding his head in his hand, staring at her, and then pulled himself up and started for the door, where he fell against the door frame turning to look at her again. —Rose, listen, Rose . . . Breath was pouring into him and out of him. Then in one motion he turned himself out the door and reached the stairs. He stopped three or four times on the way down, to prevent himself from falling headlong, and finally did fall about three steps at the bottom. It was enough noise to bring out the janitor, who helped him up and demanded, —Do you know anything about fifty tons of sugar?

  Ellery just stared at him. Then he raised a hand and pointed up the stairs.

  —Somebody’s been trying to deliver fifty tons of sugar here all day.

  Ellery let his weight go back against the wall, still pointing up the stairs. Then his hand dropped as though too heavy a weight to hold suspended so, and he got out the door, found a cab, and finally got to the nightclub, where some of the movie people had also come, for it was still comparatively early.

  —My, that really was a verklärte Nacht, said Mr. Schmuck’s musical director. —It was bad publicity.

  Mr. Schmuck was tapping his fingers impatiently on the table, waiting for his order while beside him Mr. Sonnenschein engaged a Baked Alaska. Mr. Schmuck had simply ordered filet de mignon.

  —I told you we’d ought to have just bought our pictures and gotten out of there, said Mr. Sonnenschein, blowing a delicate meringue filigrane across the table through the word pictures.

  —A real Walpurgis . . . Mr. Schmuck’s assistant commenced.

  —Shut up, said Mr. Schmuck, —so I could see the lady singing.

  —Si-hilnt nite. Holy-y nite. Alll is calm . . . she sang, in a blue gown with sequin-studded bolero jacket to match, filling a selective circle of blue spotlights with a song which had proved such a favorite Christmas Eve that she was singing it again.

  In the reverent shadows, the Alabama Rammer-Jammer man salted a steak with Venus de Milo. Morgie pushed a glass over to Ellery. —Drink that and you’ll bounce back.

  Ellery mumbled, staring blearily into nothing. From a mouthful of steak across the table came, —Come on, if you can’t eat you got to . . .

  From a nearby table came, —We were here Christmas Eve too. We tried to get into Saint Pat’s for the High Mass but you should have seen the mob.

  And from the floor,

  hea

  —Slee pin vun peece . . .

  lee

  —What happened this morning? It’s like it was a thousand years ago, Morgie said, and added to Ellery, —It’s the first time I ever knew you were so goddam sensitive.

  —And that, Ellery mumbled, going on despite the floodlit applause. —His face, I just keep seeing those beads of sweat on his face, understand? like a God-damned wreath of . . . beads of sweat around his forehead, do you get me?

  —Tonight we have with us that famous star of stage and screen . . . Spotlights fought each other over the surface of blank faces. —It’s a little late, but I know everybody still has some of the Xmas spirit . . . how about a word of Xmas cheer for everybody . . . ?

  Hanging onto the microphone, the star entertained: —Merry Xmas everybody. Glad to see everybody making merry. Just watch out Mary don’t go home with somebody else. He paused for laughter, and breath, swaying. —It was the most beautiful Xmas I ever saw . . . when I got up Xmas morning . . . it looked so nice out I left it out all day . . .

  —That bastard!

  —I’ve got a broad waiting for me down at the Fritz-Carlton . . . the star babbled on.

  —That bastard! He killed it! said the Alabama Rammer-Jammer man, but neither of his companions appeared to notice. Ellery was trying to sit up straight and drink. Morgie stared dully into his glass.

  —Look, what did Schmuck’s number-one boy want over there, when you stopped and talked to them.

  —They made me an offer. Ellery’s shoulders sagged again. —The life of the Virgin Mary. They’re shooting it in Italy. They want me on publicity.

  —Look Ellery, for Christ sake, you’re a swell guy. I’d hate like hell to see you get mixed up with the movies.

  —What the hell, Ellery said. —You have to make a change once in a while.

  —A change? You think it’s going to be any different out there? It’s the same goddam thing only it’s worse. Here at least you know the people you work with, they know who you are, you got friends. Out there nobody knows you. Morgie was staring at the same blank place on the tablecloth where Ellery was staring. —You got to stop trading in some time. You trade in your goddam car, you trade in your goddam wife, and the minute you get used to the goddam thing some bastard puts out a new model. Just go to the goddam bank. Eye-bank. Blood-bank. Bone-bank.

  —That’s a nice idea for a show, the old Alabama Rammer-Jammer man interrupted. —Banks as a symbol of progress. Money-banks. Bone-banks. Eye-banks. Blood-banks.

  —We just bought a canned show on the march of science, Morgie said, speaking slowly. Neither of them had raised his eyes. The plaintive quality in Morgie’s voice was that defiant disappointment in the radio voice which has predicted clear only hours before, and returns to admit the possibility of scattered showers unhumbled by the fact that his listeners are staring through closed windows at driving rain. —Did you know that a handkerchief and a cannonball fall at the same goddam speed in a vacuum? Well that’s where we are, in this great big goddam vacuum where a handkerchief and a cannonball fall at the same goddam speed, you know what I mean?

  Their companion was watching the floor, the hollow plastic figurine clutched in his hand. His thumb moved from one salt vent to the other and the lights dimmed again and went out. A ghostly emanation took their place, withholding reality, as an undelineated naked woman came forth, a pair of pink hands described in phosphorescence cupping her buttocks, which she ground at her audience as though the heavy hands of love (fleeting, groping, failing under other tables in the darkness) were kneading them in orgiastic violence.

  —He’s on, said Mr. Schmuck’s assistant to Mr. Schmuck. Then he turned to Mr. Schmuck’s musical director. —You’re right. Verklärte . . .

  —You’re right. Walpurgis . . . Mr. Schmuck’s musical director commenced.

  —Shut up, said Mr. Schmuck, —so I could see the lady dancing.

  Out there, she turned and bobbed an undulant front, blossoming at its tips in phosphorescent roses.

  —What do you want to get mixed up in that for? It’s the same goddam handkerchief and the same goddam cannonball in the same goddam vacuum.

  —Travel, Ellery muttered. —See why the other half lives.

  Six months: Elmira was one postmark, and her lips formed the words silently. The marking on the other letter was indecipherable, though the stamps were Spanish, and she held it up to the light, lips tightening as nothing interrupted the translucency but the jumble of a florid hand. There was no return on it. She put it aside, and took the first letter with her on her trip across the room, there to press it up under her armpit as she adjusted the radio with one hand, and tuned in her new hearing aid with the other. Then she sat down, resting her head back, lips twitching again on “six months,” t
he letter gripped still unopened in her hand as the radio warmed up to Sweet Betsy from Pike sung in Yiddish, and she stared at a crack in the ceiling.

  By daylight, the crack appeared to have just lengthened another whole inch or even more, and Stanley almost bounded out of bed for his string measure. Then he sank back under the blanket (his sheet was packed), closed his jaws tight on the throbbing tooth to hold off the image it conjured as well as the pain, and then lay waiting, as though for instructions from above on something near at hand which he could not quite grasp, and with little time remaining him to do so. His forehead creased with the effort of trying to think clearly what it might be, and as the effort rose to that part of his face his jaws relaxed and immediately the pain in the tooth penetrated him sharply, and the image, close upon it, intruded.

  Within the half hour, he was wandering among hospital corridors.

  —But baby, taking that one to Ischia would be like taking an ow-wel to A-thens, he heard, approaching her door, and he stopped. —And don’t permit me to leave without the key to my box, all those brrrr-beautiful things, I just couldn’t show up over there na-ked.

  He heard someone say, —Agnes, I’m glad you’re all right . . . and then,

  —Baby do you call that all rwight? all strung up like an exhibibition in a shop window! Cru-wel boy!

  Stanley stood there, after a glimpse at the group round her bed, pressing the deep pain in his jaw, listening.

  —Arny baby you must try to stand up, or they’ll put you in a little box here and you’ll never never never see the normal outside world again. Arny-marney-tiddley-parney, what have you got in your pocket?

  Then he heard her voice, giving someone an address, her mother’s address, on the Via Flaminia in Rome.

  —Rubbing alcohol! You should be spanked!

  Stanley turned away with sudden resolution: he had heard of there being a chapel in Bellevue, and set off to look for it, rescued from the prospect of actually seeing her, by the more abiding, and surely more prudent reflection, that he might burn a candle for her recovery. And he was well on the way to doing so, moving through the corridors with apprehension, as though afraid of being hustled into a ward, or a straitjacket, himself. But as he came down that hall, where the three western faiths have their depots, he was stopped dead by an apparition in a red and white candy-stripe bathrobe emerging from the synagogue, her face so abruptly familiar, delicately intimate in the sharp-boned hollow-eyed virginity of unnatural shadows, like those priestesses of Delphos in subterranean silence transfixing what might have been fear on a face in the light but there paralyzed in prophecy (until one of them was raped: then they were replaced by women over fifty). —Hello, Stan-ley, she greeted him as she had always, as a stranger whom she knew.