by S Yvonne
Pepper didn’t like how her friend was in a daze; she hated it and wasn’t used to it. When she looked in her almond eyes before they were always bright and full of life no matter what she was going through; but as she sat across from her now, she didn’t know what she saw… she would say… emptiness. All the life had been sucked right out of her.
She stayed for a couple more hours until Lyric fell asleep but then she had to go home and get herself together for work. She had officially started working at Wal-Mart and although Tru didn’t agree with it, she was doing it for her. Pepper had never been independent about anything in her life. When she was living with her mama; her mama paid the bills, Tasha stole her clothes and made sure she had money in her pocket, Tasha fought her battles and kept her filled with confidence. When she got put out, it was Tru who took her in and supplied her with everything. She didn’t know shit about taking care of herself so it felt good to go to work and make her own money.
When Tasha started getting tired, Pepper stood up and grabbed her things. “I’ll be here tomorrow to check on you…”
“Okay.” Was all Tasha said as she threw the covers over her head on the couch. “Lock the bottom lock. She tossed and turned all night long after that. She had demons on her back riding her and the shit wouldn’t stop. She wanted to scream. She woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The only thing she could do was drink a cold cup of water and go get in the bed. The clock read 3:25am.
For some odd reason. Eli ran across her mind prompting her to call him but she wasn’t surprised when he didn’t pick up. She only wanted to check on him, not wait until it was too late like she did with Cleo cause the time with him she could never get back. She looked at Lyric who was sleeping without a care in the world and she checked her pamper to see if she needed to be changed and she was fine so she lay there until she was able to fall back to sleep. An hour later she was right back up and going to lay back on the couch. She realized her condition was getting worse and she was now suffering from insomnia and she was suffering badly.
She had to pass by the bathroom to get to the living room and she caught a glance of all of her pills. She wished she could just toss them all down the toilet. Some days those pills made her so sick. It was just too many got damn pills to be taking in her opinion. She often wondered how long her life span really was but she was so tired of searching it up on the net looking for answers. “Fuck all this shit.” She lay there mumbling until she was able to get some sleep.
Eighteen
The morning came quickly and the only reason Tasha had the energy to get up was because Mr. Stern called with some news. “Tasha are you sitting down?” He asked.
Her heart immediately dropped as she scoot to the edge of the couch. “Just tell me.”
“Well they had a private hearing this morning and he was sentenced.” He paused. “He was sentenced to 50 years with the possibility of parole in 15 to 20.”
Tasha felt a stabbing in her heart as she grabbed her chest rubbing it. She felt like she was having a heart attack. “Okay.. okay…” She whispered and hung up to catch her breath. What was all this for? She wondered… why did God have to punish her? What had she done so bad in her past life to deserve this? If Tasha ever believed in God… on this day, this moment, June 7th, 2002 she no longer believed in God… or that anything good would ever happen to her for that matter.
She picked up her baby girl and held her for a long time watching the clock hit 3pm… that’s it was time for Pepper to get off. Tasha bathed Lyric and sang to her while she did so. “I want you to always remember my voice… I’ll always be with you.” She kissed the bouncy baby. Next, she fixed Lyric some scrambled eggs and sausage cutting the sausage up in little pieces. She played with her in the middle of the floor until she went to sleep and then she stared at her some more.
Tasha put Lyric in her playpen and then went to shower herself. She styled her hair the way she liked it, she lotion down real good and she pulled out a pretty dress. When she was satisfied with her appearance she took her necklace off along with the ring QUA gave her; she attached the ring to the necklace and then placed then necklace around Lyric’s neck. When she was done with that, she pulled out a piece of paper and sat at the table writing a note to both QUA in which she stuck in the mailbox, and then one to Pepper, which she stuck inside of Lyric’s playpen right next to her along with a picture. She then called Pepper, “where are you?”
“I’m like 15 minutes away, I’m coming. See you when I get there. I brought some stuff to make tacos.” She told her before hanging up.
With a shattered heart and soul that was long gone, she grabbed a long belt from the closet and walked in the bathroom where she closed the door and hung herself. She was tired of hurting, she was tired of the pain, she was tired of living. Her entire childhood flashed before her eyes. Everything and everybody who hurt her came into play as her eyes rolled in the back of her head. Death was painful… but the other side was much better. In a matter of minutes everything was dark and Tasha took her last breath.
Tasha knew she’d probably hurt a lot of people with this one; including her daughter, but she could never be the person she needed her to be, she was too damaged and too much had happened. She was peaceful knowing that Lyric would surely be taken care of. The world was a better place without her and her misery.
Pepper
“This girl is really trippin’ foreal.” Pepper mumbled as she opened the door. “She left the damn door open.”
Walking in the apartment it was really quiet. Too damn quiet for her but when she saw that Lyric was sleeping she was relieved. She put the bags down and leaned down to kiss her and that’s when she saw the letter. What the hell is this? She thought to herself. “Tasha yo ass left the door open!” She yelled over her shoulder just as she started reading.
Dear Pepper,
First I wanna say I know you gon’ be too mad at me when you read this, but I don’t care cause there is nothing you can do about it. I just want you to know I love you so much. You’ve always been my sis. I’ve always looked out for you and I love how you looked out for me. A long time ago I always felt like this day was coming; I just simply didn’t know how to cope. I lost everything… even my life cause technically the day I found out I had HIV is the day I truly died no matter how much I tried to cover it up. Remember I told you if anything ever happens to me that I want you to take care of my baby? Raise her with the love and care that I couldn’t give her? Well now is the time; you got this baby… from the heavens to earth; I love you sis.. take care of you… and Lyric. Love always, Tasha.
Pepper’s hands trembled as she finished the letter throwing it down on the floor. “TASHA! TASHA! WHERE YOU AT?!” She ran to the room and then the bathroom. Before she opened the door the tears were cascading down her face. There Tasha was hanging lifeless, skin turning purple and cold. Her eyes were closed and a pee puddle was beneath her. Pepper ran to her body trying to get her down. “NOOOO! Why Tasha! Whyyy?” She cried.
It took her a minute before she was even able to dial ‘911’ or call Tru for that matter. She couldn’t even watch them as they removed Tasha’s body. She just couldn’t. What she did know was she had to figure things out. It took an entire day for crime scene to take pictures and call child protective services. Because Pepper wasn’t of kin they wouldn’t let her take Lyric right away, however, she wasn’t letting her be a product of the system; she just wasn’t.
2 days later
QUA opened the mail excited to see a letter from Tasha. He knew she’d gotten the news cause Mr. Stern had told him all about it. He missed her and Lyric like crazy and after finding out he was about to be transferred to Mississippi… some better news was good to him right now. Opening the letter, he read it.
Dear Qua,
I want you to know I love you so much and I always have. It amazes me how strong you are and how you keep your sprits up the best way you can while being in there dealing with the way they’re tr
eating you. Me on the other hand, I haven’t been doing so well and I’ve truly put up a big fight the best I could. They say only the strong survive but I guess I just wasn’t strong enough Qua, cause Lord knows I can’t do this no more. I want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate how you’ve stuck by my side and loved and protected me. I appreciate most of all how you remained ‘you’ and a man true to your words. Word is bond and you’ve proven that. This will be my last letter to you, my final wish is that you find happiness and peace and blessings. Make sure to always check up on Lyric and make sure when she’s old enough she comes to visit you. Bars will never get in the way of you being a father and the way you two love each other is undeniable. Don’t be too mad at me, just pray for me. Pray for eternal peace. From the heavens down to earth… I send my love. Love always, T.
QUA closed his eyes with a face soaked of tears. All he could see is her sweet face, that beautiful smile, the scent of her sweet body sprays and the last time they made love. He wanted to call home and find out was going on but he knew exactly what the letter was saying and he knew in his heart, she was gone. When he looked up, the warden was coming to his cell. Right then… he knew. Long live his Tasha, she would forever be in his heart and his life would never be the same. They knew not to even fuck with him after this news. His days became harder and his temper even came back. As soon as he got transferred he found himself in the hole once again for a nigga wanting to try his patience. The only thing kept him going now was Lyric, and the fact that he knew Tasha wouldn’t want him to be acting out this way; he just couldn’t help it. He lost his only true love and if he was home he felt like she would’ve never killed herself.
Tasha blamed herself for him being locked up and he blamed himself for not being there to stop her from doing that shit. Had he not gotten locked up she would’ve never went over the ledge when he knew for a fact she really cant take anything else on the heart. He just really couldn’t control himself when he did what he did… he lost his temper and she took her life. That was something he knew he’d have to deal with forever. Even when he didn’t want to face it.
Nineteen
Pepper couldn’t fathom the thought of even having to bury her dear friend but she was thankful for Tru because he truly helped her and took care of everything. He even had a private funeral with nobody besides she and him there. Tasha looked so peaceful to her. Her makeup was perfect and her soft pink lipstick went well with her pink and white dress. They both shed a few tears standing next to her casket. The hood had been buzzing from the news of Tasha’s death. They had even set up a memorial in front of her old building on the stoop where teddy bears and flowers swarmed the stoop. They had candles and cards and balloons too. See, Tasha thought she never mattered much to anybody but in reality she touched many people just for her being who she was and Pepper wished she could’ve saw that.
“Damn T baby… you fucked the hood up with this one.” Tru shook his head just staring at her.
Pepper leaned into him as her tears fell. She was gonna miss her friend so much, she never had to live without Tasha. From the school house to the trap house, from diapers to panties, from girls to young women, they’d always been together. “Fly high Flyy girl… I’ll love you forever.” Pepper whispered. “You can rest now.”
Her and Tru stayed a little longer before they walked out and went home. Pepper changed her clothes and looked around the one bedroom apartment thinking about Lyric. “We gotta get that baby.” She plopped down next to him.
Tru knew this conversation was coming. He didn’t know what to say cause he truly wasn’t ready for any kids. “Not now Pep.”
“Then when Tru? Cause time is running out.” She went on. “With our without you; I’m getting her even if that means leaving you and getting my own place.”
“You serious? You’d leave me?” He frowned.
“For her… in a heartbeat. Try me.” She fold her arms across her chest. Kneeling down in front of him, she looked in his eyes. “Tell me what’s the real problem Tru… why you making this so hard?”
Tru sighed taking a deep breath, he wasn’t just this cold hearted nigga… he just had his own reasons and he saw she really wasn’t gonna let this go. “It’s not that I don’t want to baby. I just ain’t never been scared of shit in my life, not even death scares me. When it’s my time it’s my time… but being a father… that shits scares me like nothing else cause I’ve never had a father and the last thing I wanna do is fuck up at being one.”
Pepper loved him even more for admitting that to her. “I’m glad you admitted that cause I was two seconds from walking out, but I do understand what you’re saying. I want you to know you don’t have to worry about what will come natural. If anything that will make you a better father cause you wouldn’t want a child to experience what you did and I know you’d give Lyric the world. Instead of a fast ‘no’… I’m just asking for a slow ‘yes’… please bae, we can do this.”
Just by the look in his eyes, she knew she had him and he was gonna come through. He took a long deep breath. “Aiight what we gotta do?”
She looked around. “First we need to move, into a house… no more projects. We need a two bedroom and she had to have her own things because CPS will check for that. I have a job and you have your landscape business to show your legit money. You don’t have a record and neither do I… we can do it.”
“Aiight…” he told her pulling out some money. “Here use this to get whatever she needs and find a place.” He pulled out a little more money. “When you do, put that shit in your name. I don’t want these crackers asking me all my business.”
“I got you.”
Within a week time, Pepper had found a place in a good neighborhood. A nice two-bedroom house that she decorated and put together the room for Lyric. She had to go through the courts and CPS to start the process to get Lyric but it was looking good so far. One last thing she needed to do was go to Tasha’s apartment before they put a lock on the door and pack up her belongings. She didn’t want to throw anything away. She wanted Lyric to have access to it when she got older and then she could decide what to do with it. In the meantime, it went to storage.
The hardest thing for her to do was be back in that apartment but Tru stayed by her side the entire time. She was so blessed to have him. She knew that QUA was blessed to even have a friend like him as well. They’d spoke to him a couple of times and he wasn’t doing so well but he was hanging in there. They made a promise to him that Lyric was gon’ be straight and they’d make sure of that.
The day came when it was finally time for them to get Lyric and they couldn’t be happier although they were nervous. It was a difference when you were visiting a child or a child wasn’t visiting you that you could give back to the mother or father but this was a totally different ball game because she was now their full responsibility. Wouldn’t be no going home to mommy or daddy. She would be with them full time. “You ready for this?” Tru asked Pepper.
She nod her head. “Yep, it’s only right. Time for us to grow up and get our shit together cause Lyric needs us. She’s gon’ have a much better life than we did.”
Tru agreed as the case worker walked up with Lyric and her belongings. She was wearing a chain around her neck with Tasha’s ring and this was the first time Pepper had noticed that. Lyric’s eyes lit up when she saw then and she could tell the baby was happy to see some familiar faces but her heart broke for her cause she knew one day all the questions about her mother were coming.
The first night didn’t go so well. Lyric walked around cranky and fussy all night. No matter what they tried to do she just didn’t want to be bothered. It’s like she was looking for someone or somebody and was getting frustrated because she couldn’t find them. “Tru I don’t know what to do.” Pepper sighed. At only 18 she didn’t know what to do.
He sat on the couch watching TV… “She wants her mama bae… that’s what she’s looking for. I mean, I’m not
no rocket scientist but it don’t take one to kinda figure it out.”
Pepper was starting to feel so bad cause she just wanted Lyric to be happy, then she had an idea. She ran to the trunk of her car and rumbled through the rest of the boxes that she had to take to storage until she found what she was looking for. “Bingo!” She rushed back in the house with a throw blanket. It was Tasha’s favorite blanket, the one she always used when she was lounging on the couch. It still smelled like her.
She picked Lyric up and lay her in her bed giving it another try but this time she put Tasha’s blanket over her. As soon as she smelled that scent she immediately calmed down. The tears got slower and softer and next thing they knew, she was sleeping. Pepper snuggled up on the couch next to Tru where she soon fell asleep too. She never realized how much hard work it was being a parent, especially to a small child, but she was gonna get it together and she put that on her life. She didn’t care what it took… and if she got it right; maybe one day she’d have a child of her own.
She prayed it would get better and it did. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. Before they knew it time had passed them by and a better time was ahead of them. Pepper went from a scared young lady to a praying woman.
Twenty
‘17 Years later’
The Year of 2018