Geronimo (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  “You know you’re not supposed to be in here, right?” I tried to give her a reprimanding look, but it disintegrated the second she explained why she was breaking the rules.

  “I can’t think straight with all the noise outside, and no one really understands why I have to do this.”

  Running my finger along a royal blue pencil, I rolled it back and forth across the lab table, thinking of Harry and the way he’d spoken to Brandy.

  How much she’d softened since that short conversation. She was leaving for Chile in just over a week. I was going to miss her.

  Picking up an olive green pencil, she started shading a tree. “Want to talk about it?”

  “No.” My voice sounded so lifeless.

  I didn’t want to go back to being that person again.

  But I didn’t want to have to dredge up my life list either.

  Everything just seemed like hard work. My shattered heart, which I’d somehow managed to glue back together, felt fragile again, on the brink of total decimation.

  Opening her sketchpad, Brandy ripped out a fresh sheet of paper and placed it down in front of me. “Draw it. I swear it works.”

  Her kind smile was doing a number on me. When her surly face had appeared in my doorway at the beginning of the year, I was worried I’d never grow to like her.

  But she’d really opened up, somehow accepted her parents’ divorce and the impending departure. I wished I could have adapted that easily.

  “Go on, Miss B. Draw.” She tapped my paper.

  After a reluctant pause, I picked up the blue pencil and started with a swirl in the middle of my page that soon became a thick question mark, dominating the sheet of paper.

  Was Harry right?

  Could we overcome this barrier between us?

  Could we let it go and move forward together?

  The bell rang, making me flinch. Brandy gasped and started gathering up her belongings, shoving the loose sheets into her sketchbook and jamming the pencils and sharpener into her case.

  I held out the blue pencil, but she shook her head with a lopsided grin. “You keep it.”

  “I’ll give it back to you before you leave.”

  “Okay.” She nodded then rushed out the door.

  The corridor started to fill, the noise rising in a swift crescendo. I had to get back to my classroom, but I wasn’t ready to move. I just kept staring at that question mark and wondering.

  Could I do it?

  My forehead wrinkled, and I wrote over the top of my question mark in capital letters… TOO HARD!!

  Scrunching the paper in my fist, I walked to the trash and threw it out before entering the busy corridor and trying to get into the right headspace to teach a fifty-minute English class… and get over Harry Tindal.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Harry

  “See You Someday” was torturing me as I ran along the edge of the cliff. I looked out across the ocean, the morning sun only just breaching the horizon. The dark mass of sea was growing light at the edges while the sky turned a pale peach color. I’d left in the dark and I’d planned to return the same way, but my jog took me off my usual course and I ended up on the cliffs, running through the cool morning grass and trying to escape the emotions coursing through me.

  My music choices were of no help at all, but shuffle play seemed determine to pick every melancholy love song Tammy had added to our playlists when we first set up our Spotify account. I should have switched the damn thing off and run in silence, but for some sick reason, I was compelled to listen to them.

  Sweat poured from my hairline as I raced up the hill to the lone tree that sat along the path. I’d walked past it so many times before. Tammy and I used to picnic beside it in the summer. When I reached it, I stopped to catch my breath, resting my hand on the trunk and sucking in lungfuls of air.

  I hadn’t run that far in a long time. My body was complaining bitterly.

  Please don’t do this to us, Harry. First the liquor and the sex, then the work. Are we now falling into a running phase? God help us.

  My tired muscles whined as I leaned against the tree, gazing out at the vast ocean and wondering what it’d feel like to just run and jump into it.

  The fall would kill me, but imagine the sheer ecstasy…the thrill before I hit the water.

  Drooping my head, I concentrated on the beads of sweat running down my cheeks. I’d never be able to do it. I couldn’t take my own life.

  So what the hell was I supposed to do with it?

  When Tammy died, I figured I’d just find a way to survive…and I did.

  But then I met Jane and she showed me how to live again.

  And that’s what I wanted.

  To live.

  With her.

  Pushing off the tree, I got ready to start running but was hindered by a heart-shaped carving I’d never noticed before. Running my finger into the grooves, my heart hiccupped to a stop then took off.

  “Jane plus Blake. One thousand years,” I murmured, still tracing the letters.

  My Jane.

  His Jane.

  “Is that how long you expected to love her, mate?” I looked up at the branches above me. The leaves were starting to yellow for the autumn. Soon the tree would be standing bare, watching over the cliffs like a winter soldier.

  I wondered if Jane had seen it. I had to assume Blake carved it. No doubt a romantic gesture before they got married.

  Digging my fingers into the trunk, I let myself relive that day from Jane’s perspective. Since she’d fled my house I’d researched her story, and I could only imagine the horror of finding out that her groom was lying dead on the roadside while she waited for him in her wedding dress.

  It was no wonder she was so afraid to let me in.

  The fact she’d even let me near made me admire her so much.

  I thought of her loneliness. That desolation that I understood so well.

  I would never forget returning home to our little flat and the oppressive silence that followed me into every room. I’d tried to fill it with music, women, parties…but it’d never worked. The aching loneliness plagued me until I moved out and in with my nan.

  Living with a loved one softened the blow.

  Living with Jane revived me again.

  And it revived her too.

  I checked my watch and calculated the time. It’d be eleven p.m. in LA. She’d be lying in her bed, all alone in her quiet little apartment.

  Impulse pulled the phone from my running belt, and I pressed her name before I could think better of it.

  I waited three rings before a voice I didn’t expect answered, “Hello, Harry.”

  “Uh, Jane?” I frowned.

  “No, it’s Sarah.”

  “Oh, hi. Um, I’m sorry to call so late.”

  “That’s all right. Jane’s in the shower. She wasn’t answering her phone, and I just had to pop in to see if she was okay.”

  “Is she?” My eyes stung. I wanted to be there. I didn’t want Jane to be worried, anxious…not answering her phone. I wanted her to be happy again.

  “She was making pretty good headway through her second bottle of Merlot, so I’m glad I stopped by.”

  I closed my eyes and shuddered. “I can’t…do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Just stand back while she suffers.”

  Sarah didn’t say anything at first. Then after a soft breath, she murmured, “How are you holding up?”

  Running a hand through my sweaty curls, I gazed at the peachy sky. “It’s been a shock.”

  “I couldn’t believe it. At first Justin and I just didn’t know what to say. We couldn’t talk about it for like a week, but the more time passes, the more we wonder if…”

  “If what?”

  “Do you love her, Harry? Even in spite of what you’ve found out.”

  “Of course I do. I don’t blame her for Tammy’s death. I can’t even blame Blake anymore. It was an accident, and if it had never happene
d, I never would’ve experienced what I have with Jane. I’d still be cruising along, pissing off my girlfriend and trying to avoid any conversation that involved the words love or commitment.” I winced. “Please, don’t get me wrong. I wish Tammy had never died, and I of course wish the same for Blake, but the truth is, they have…and somehow life has sought to bring Jane and me together. I can’t help feeling like maybe it’s a sign that we’re destined.”

  Another pause that made me hold my breath.

  Then Sarah softly snickered. “You’re a good man, Harry Tindal.”

  I smiled sadly at the sunrise. “Do you think she’ll ever be able to move past it? When I spoke to her a couple of days ago, she seemed rather adamant.”

  “I think she’s just shocked and scared. She was nervous enough falling for you, and this is like a slap in the face. She’s right back to where she was after Blake died, worried about her future and getting hurt again.”

  “I understand.” I tucked my hand beneath my armpit and leaned against the tree. “I guess I just have to give her time.”

  Sarah scoffed. “I don’t know. Jane has the ability to be extremely stubborn.”

  “If only I could see her. It’s impossible doing this kind of thing over the phone.”

  “So why don’t you come?”

  “I can’t just show up on her doorstep. I don’t want to upset her.”

  “Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, Harry. If she chooses not to jump with you then so be it, but you have to give her the chance.”

  My chest expanded with a hopeful breath, and I stood tall and nodded. “All right.”

  “Okay, then.” Her voice sounded brighter, like she was sitting straight and smiling.

  “Well, I guess I’ll get going.”

  “Keep me posted on your plans. I’ll do what I can from my end.”

  “Thank you, Sarah.”

  We said our goodbyes, and once I’d hung up the phone, I just stood there staring across the ocean. Did I do it? Did I spent my last few pennies crossing an ocean so I could tell Jane I’d move past this mountain for her…that I loved her no matter what?

  It was a risk. The chances of her shaking her head were bloody high.

  Slowly turning back for home, I lost the willpower to run, instead trudging through the grass while I thought it through. The early morning light was touching my back, pushing me home when the phone in my hand started ringing. Glancing at the screen, I felt my breath hitch.

  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer or not. What if it was a warning not to come…a swift rebuttal before I spent the last of my funds?

  Clenching my jaw, I prepped my argument and cautiously raised the phone to my ear.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Jane

  The shower was scalding, just the way I needed it to be. I stayed in far too long, hoping Sarah would be gone by the time I got out. It had been so sweet of her to pop in and check on me, but it was so late. I was exhausted and I didn’t feel like talking it through. Besides, my head was still kind of spinning from the wine, and although the shower had helped to clear it, I didn’t think I was up for any kind of coherent conversation.

  Switching off the spray, I let the drips slowly run down my body before snapping out of my stupor and reaching for a towel.

  Soft music was still playing from my speakers in the kitchen and I sighed. Sarah was obviously still there, waiting to tuck me in like a mother hen.

  I took my time drying off, and when I finally exited my poky bathroom it was nearly midnight. I paused in the doorway and scanned the apartment.

  “Sarah?”

  Peeking around the fridge, I gazed at my speakers and realized she was gone. It was a relief…albeit a lonely one.

  “You Matter To Me” filtered through the apartment, only adding to my silent despair. The beautiful duet didn’t fit into my life. It couldn’t.

  I wouldn’t let myself matter to anybody again.

  The thought sliced through me, brutal and swift.

  Did I really want to be that way?

  “I have to!” I shouted. “I can’t do this anymore!”

  Sucking in a breath, I pressed the towel against my lips and fought the tears. No more. I couldn’t cry or think or feel anymore.

  So where did that leave me?

  Robot mode.

  I promised myself I wouldn’t go there either.

  “This is too hard!” I yelled at the ceiling. “How can I be with someone who killed…” I bit my lips together then shuffled across to my bed, flicking the curtain aside and flopping onto the mattress. “He didn’t kill anybody,” I whispered. “Blake killed himself.” My eyes snapped back to the ceiling, my voice hard and bitter. “Didn’t you? No helmet! What were you thinking?” I screamed and thumped the bed, crying out in hopeless frustration. “You selfish bastard! How could you leave me on our frickin’ wedding day!” I let out another scream and pounded my fist against the mattress until I was a panting, exhausted mess.

  I’d never let myself get angry with Blake. I’d always made him the victim, directing all my venom at the speeding driver…Harry’s sweetheart.

  The thought crushed me all over again and I curled onto my side, clutching my knees. “I miss you so much,” I whispered to Blake. “But now I miss him too…and it hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

  The song shifted to “Marry Me” by Train. I closed my eyes, fresh tears burning me. It was a cruel joke. A song so beautiful was a punch in the face.

  Struggling off the bed, I kicked the curtain aside, ready to storm across the room and kill the music, but I ended up catching my foot in the fine netting and tearing it. I let out a hopeless whimper as I fingered the gaping hole, then growled and fisted the fragile material. It tore easily and was soon lying on the floor in a sad, pathetic heap. Just like me—broken, torn, lifeless.

  Kicking the fabric aside, I marched to my phone, set on switching off the music. I snatched it up and pressed pause, then noticed a text from Sarah.

  Sorry I had to split. Something’s come up. Check your email.

  I was too tired to check my email, but curiosity got the better of me and I opened my inbox right away.

  Sarah’s address popped up and I opened her message.

  Sorry I had to take off. I’m working with an overseas client and it’s turning out to be a big ordeal!

  Anyway, I know you’re hurting right now and I know you’re confused. But as a friend who can step back and see things with a little more perspective, I just want to say that you should trust your heart on this one. Stop worrying about the future and embrace the now. Be the Jane Harry taught you how to be. Whether you take him back or not almost doesn’t matter. When you left for England in July, you were on a mission to find yourself, to figure out how to live again. And you did that. Don’t let this roadblock stop you from taking a chance at life. Be brave. Keep jumping down rabbit holes and see where they take you.

  Love you always, my precious friend,

  Sparks

  I stared at the message until my eyes lost focus.

  “Jump down rabbit holes,” I grumped. “Is she kidding? I’m not after an Alice adventure. I just want…” I sighed. I didn’t know. What did I really want?

  To feel safe again.

  To be happy.

  Dropping the phone on the table, I shuffled back to my exposed bed. I flicked off the lights, crawled beneath the covers, and pulled them up to my chin. My little apartment was drenched in darkness and quiet. I used to find this time of night so peaceful, but it’d become a torment. Sliding my hand across the empty sheets beside me, I lamented the fact it was empty, cried for the fact I didn’t have the courage to call Harry and ask him to be mine again.

  I didn’t want to see where that rabbit hole led. I just wanted to stop crying and figure out how to live like a normal person.

  *****

  The days continued like they always did. Life moved on.

  Breakfast was eaten. Classes were taught.
Papers were graded, and my students neared the weekend with growing agitation. It was always that way. Thursdays and Fridays were my most challenging.

  Checking my planner, I quickly went over what I wanted to achieve by the end of the day. Part of me wanted to scrap it and just play games, but I had assessments we were working toward, and with Thanksgiving less than a month away, I couldn’t really slack off.

  The morning bell was due to ring in half an hour. I had my music playing while I prepped, but I could still hear the early morning bustle outside. Teachers and students were already arriving.

  I doubted any of them would disturb me. With the anti-social vibes I’d been generating lately, I figured I’d be left alone…which was why I was so surprised when my door clicked open.

  I spun from the whiteboard, my lips parting as I spotted my visitor.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be at the airport?”

  Brandy’s smile was sad yet accepting. “We’re leaving in a couple of minutes. Dad’s driving us.”

  “Wow, okay.” My eyebrows shot up in surprise.

  “I know. Hopefully he can keep it together. Mom and him had good chats last night and she gave in, said he could see us off.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “Good.” She nodded, her smile growing genuine. “I, um…think we’re in a good place. He’s gonna come visit for Thanksgiving and Mom said I could come up for Christmas.”

  I smiled. “Well, that’s really positive.”

  Brandy shuffled further into the room, closing the door behind her. “I, um, wanted to give you something.” She held out a small handmade notebook. “Actually, it’s not for you. It’s for that guy who told me to draw how I felt.”

  “Harry,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, him.”

  My hands quivered as I took the book from her. If she noticed, she didn’t say anything.

  The cover was a stunning drawing of three dragons. The daddy dragon was blue, Mom was red, and the baby was a stunning purple.