The Black Dagger Brotherhood Novels 1-4

by J. R. Ward

  “You have so much more—”

  “I do not.”

  “You’ve been kind to me. You’ve taken care of me. You’ve washed me and held me—”

  “You don’t want me inside of you.”

  “You already are, Zsadist. Your blood is in me.”

  There was a long silence. “Do you know my reputation?”

  She frowned. “That’s not relevant—”

  “What do people say about me, Bella? Come on, I want to hear it from you. So I know you get it.” Her despair was palpable as he pushed her, but he had to snap her out of whatever daze she was in. “I know you must have heard about me. Gossip reaches even your social level. What do they say?”

  “Some…some think you kill females for sport. But I don’t believe—”

  “Do you know how I got that rep?”

  Bella covered her breasts and stepped back, shaking her head. He bent down and handed her the towel, then pointed to the skull in the corner.

  “I murdered that female. Now tell me, do you want to be taken by a male who could do something like that? Who could hurt a female like that? You want that kind of bastard on top of you, pumping into your body?”

  “It was her,” Bella whispered. “You went back and killed your mistress, didn’t you?”

  Z shuddered. “For a while I thought it could make me whole.”

  “It didn’t.”

  “No shit.” He brushed by her and walked around, pressure building in him until he opened his mouth and the words just shot out. “A couple of years after I got out, I heard she…shit, I heard she had another male in that cell. I…I traveled for two days straight and snuck in close to dawn.” Z shook his head. He didn’t want to talk, he really didn’t, but his mouth just kept moving. “Christ…he was so young, so young, just like I was when she got me. And I didn’t have any intention of killing her, but she came down right as I was leaving with the slave. When I looked at her…I knew if I didn’t strike, she was going to call for her guards. I also knew that eventually she would take another male and chain him down there and make him…Ah, fuck. Why the hell am I telling you this?”

  “I love you.”

  Z squeezed his eyes shut. “Don’t be a tragedy, Bella.”

  He left the room in a rush, but couldn’t go more than fifteen feet down the hall.

  She loved him. She loved him?

  Bullshit. She thought she loved him. And as soon as she got back to the real world, she was going to realize that. Christ, she’d come out of a horrific situation and was living in a bubble here at the compound. None of this was her life, and she was spending too much time with him.

  And yet…God, he wanted to be with her. Wanted to lie side by side and kiss her. Wanted to do even more than that. Wanted…to do it all to her, the kissing and the touching and the sucking and the licking. But where exactly did he think all that was going to lead to? Even if he could get past the idea of penetrating her for the sex, he didn’t want to risk coming inside of her.

  Not that he’d ever done that with any female. Hell, he’d never ejaculated under any circumstances. When he’d been a blood slave, it wasn’t as if he’d ever been sexually excited. And afterward, when he was with those few whores he’d bought and fucked, he hadn’t been after an orgasm. Those anonymous interludes were just experiments to see whether sex was as bad as it always had been for him.

  As for masturbating, he couldn’t stand touching the damn thing to take a piss, much less when it stood up for attention. And he’d never wanted to relieve himself, never been all that aroused, even when the it was hard.

  Man, he was so whacked with the sex shit. Like there was a short in his brain.

  Actually, he had a lot of them, didn’t he?

  He thought about all the holes in him, the blank places, the voids where others felt things. When it came down to it, he was really just a screen, more empty than solid, his emotions blowing through him, only the anger catching and holding.

  Except that wasn’t entirely true, was it? Bella made him feel things. When she had kissed him on the bed before, she had made him feel…hot and hungry. Very male. Sexual, for the first time in his life.

  From out of a sharp desperation, some echo of what he’d been before the Mistress had had him started looking for airtime. He found himself wanting again that feeling he’d gotten from kissing Bella. And he wanted to crank her up, too. He wanted her gasping and breathless and starved.

  It wasn’t fair to her…but he was a son of a bitch, and he was greedy for what she’d given him before. And she would be leaving soon. He had this one day now.

  Zsadist opened the door and went back inside.

  Bella was lying in the bed and obviously surprised he was back. As she sat up, the sight of her brought back a lick of decency. How the hell could he be with her? God, she was so…beautiful, and he was nasty, a nasty bastard.

  His momentum lost, he stalled in the middle of the room. Prove you’re not a bastard by bailing, he thought. But explain yourself first.

  “I want to be with you, Bella, and not to fuck you, either.” As she started to say something, he silenced her by holding up his hand. “Please, just listen to me. I want to be with you, but I don’t think I’ve got it in me to give you what you need. I’m not the right male for you, and this is definitely the wrong time.”

  He released his breath, thinking he was such an asshole. Here he was telling her no, playing the gentleman…while in his mind he was yanking back those sheets and replacing them with a blanket of his own skin.

  The thing hanging from the front of his hips pounded like a jackhammer.

  What would she taste like, he wondered, in that soft, sweet place between her legs?

  “Come over here, Zsadist.” She opened the covers, baring herself to him. “Stop thinking. Come to bed.”

  “I…” Words he’d never spoken to anyone hovered on his lips, a confession of sorts, a treacherous unveiling. He looked away and let them go for no good reason he could think of. “Bella, when I was a slave things were…ah, things were done to me. Sexual shit.” He should stop. Right now. “There were males, Bella. Against my will, there were males.”

  He heard a little gasping sound.

  This was good, he thought, even as he cringed. Maybe he could get her to save herself by revolting her. Because what female could stand being with a male who’d had that kind of thing done to him? Not the heroic ideal. Not by a long shot.

  He cleared his throat and stared a hole right through the floor. “Look, I’m not…I don’t want your pity. The reason I’m telling you this is not to sap you out. It’s just…I’m scrambled. It’s like my wires are all crossed when it comes to the whole…you know, the fucking thing. I want you, but it’s not right. You shouldn’t be with me. You’re cleaner than that.”

  There was a long silence. Ah, shit… He had to look at her. The moment he did, she rose from the bed as if she’d been waiting for him to lift his eyes. She walked to him naked, nothing on her skin except the candlelight from the single wick that burned.

  “Kiss me,” she whispered in the dimness. “Just kiss me.”

  “God…what is wrong with you?” As she winced, he said, “I mean, why? Of all the males you could have, why me?”

  “I want you.” She put her hand on his chest. “It’s a natural, normal response to the opposite sex, isn’t it?”

  “I’m not normal.”

  “I know. But you’re not dirty or contaminated or unworthy.” She took his shaking hands and placed them on her shoulders.

  Her skin was so fine, the idea of marring it in any way froze him. So did the image of him pushing the it into her. Except he didn’t have to involve the lower half of his body, did he? This could be all about her.

  Oh, yeah, he thought. This could be for her.

  He turned her around and drew her back against his body. With slow sweeps he ran his hands up and down the curves of her waist and hips. When she arched her spine and sighed, he could see the
tips of her breasts over her shoulder. He wanted to touch her there…and realized he could. He moved his hands over her rib cage, feeling up the pattern of delicate bones until his palms enveloped her breasts. Her head kicked back farther and her mouth parted.

  As she opened for him like that, he had a screaming instinct to get inside of her any way he could. On reflex, he licked his upper lip while he rolled one of her nipples between his thumb and forefinger. He imagined himself thrusting his tongue into her mouth, going in between her teeth and fangs, taking her in that way.

  Like she knew what he was thinking, she tried to turn and face him, but it seemed too close somehow…too real that she was giving herself to him, that she was going to let someone like him do intimate, erotic things to her body. He stopped her by grabbing her hips and pulling her hard into his thighs. He ground his teeth at the feel of her ass against that stiff thing straining his shorts.

  “Zsadist…let me kiss you.” She tried to turn around again and he stopped her.

  As she struggled in his hold, he kept her in place easily. “It’ll be better for you this way. If you can’t see me, it’ll be better.”

  “No, it won’t.”

  He put his head down on her shoulder. “If I could just get Phury for you…I used to look like him once. You could pretend it’s me.”

  She yanked her body free of his hands. “But it wouldn’t be. And it’s you I want.”

  As she looked at him with feminine expectation, he realized they were headed for the bed right behind her. And they were going to get down to it. But, God…he had no idea how to make her feel good. He might as well have been a virgin for all the shit he knew about pleasuring a female.

  With that happy little revelation, he thought about the other male she’d had, that aristocrat who undoubtedly knew so much more about sex than he did. From out of nowhere, he was struck by a totally irrational urge to hunt down her previous lover and bleed him out.

  Oh…hell. He closed his eyes. Oh…shit.

  “What?” she asked.

  This kind of violent, territorial impulse was characteristic of a bonded male. The hallmark of one, actually.

  Z lifted his arm, put his nose to his bicep, and breathed in deep…. The bonding scent was coming out of his skin. It was faint, probably only recognizable to him, but it was there.

  Shit. Now what was he going to do?

  Unfortunately, his instincts answered. As his body roared, he picked her up and headed for the bed.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Bella stared at Zsadist’s face while he carried her across the room. His black eyes were narrowed into slits, a dark, erotic greed glittering in them. As he put her on the bed and looked down at her body, she had the distinct thought that he was going to eat her alive.

  Except he just loomed over her.

  “Arch your back for me,” he demanded.

  Okay…not what she expected.

  “Arch your back, Bella.”

  Feeling oddly exposed, she did as he asked, craning her body off the mattress. As she moved on the bed, she glanced at the front of his shorts. His erection gave a mighty jerk, and the idea that it was going to be inside of her soon helped loosen her up.

  He reached down and brushed one of her nipples with his knuckle. “I want this in my mouth.”

  A delicious greed of her own took root. “Then kiss—”

  “Shh.” His knuckle traveled in between her breasts and down her stomach. He stopped when he got to her belly button. Took his forefinger and ran a little circle around her navel. Then paused.

  “Don’t stop,” she moaned.

  He didn’t. He went lower until he brushed across the top of her cleft. She bit her lip and eyed his body, that huge, warrior frame with all that stark, hard muscle. God… She was really getting ready for him.

  “Zsadist—”

  “I’m going to want to go down on you. And I won’t be able to stop myself.” With his free hand he rubbed his lips, as if he were imagining the act. “You prepared to let me do that?”

  “Yes…”

  He fingered the distorted side of his mouth as he stroked her slit. “Wish I had something better-looking to offer you. Because you’re going to be perfect down there. I know it.”

  She hated the shame that came through his pride. “I think you’re—”

  “You’ve got one last chance to tell me no, Bella. If you don’t right now, I’m going to be all over you. No stopping, and I don’t think I can be gentle about it.”

  She held her arms out to him. He nodded once, as if they’d made some kind of pact, and then went to the end of the bed.

  “Spread your legs. I want to see you.”

  A nervous flush came over her.

  He shook his head. “Too late, Bella. Now…it’s too late. Show me.”

  Slowly she cocked one of her knees up and gradually revealed herself.

  His face melted, the tension and the harshness bleeding out of him. “Oh…God…” he whispered. “You’re…beautiful.”

  Leaning down onto his arms, he prowled up the bed to her body, his eyes fixated on her secret skin as if he’d never seen anything like it. When he got in range, wide hands smoothed their way up the insides of her thighs, opening them even farther.

  But then he frowned and looked up at her. “Wait, I’m supposed to kiss you on the mouth first, aren’t I? I mean, males start at the top and work their way down, don’t they?”

  What an odd question…like he’d never done this at all?

  Before she could reply he began to move back, so she sat up and captured his face in her hands.

  “You can do whatever you like to me.”

  His eyes flashed and he held his position for a split second.

  Then he lunged at her, taking her down onto the bed. His tongue shot into her mouth and his hands tangled in her hair, pulling on her, arching her, trapping her head. The hunger in him was ferocious, a warrior’s thick-blooded need for sex. He was going to take her with all the strength he had, and she was going to be sore when he was through using her. Sore and utterly blissed out. She couldn’t wait.

  Suddenly, he stopped and pulled back from her mouth. He was breathing deeply and had a flush on his cheeks as he looked her in the eye.

  And then he smiled at her.

  She was so surprised she didn’t know what to do. She’d never seen that expression on his face before, and the lift in his mouth did away with the distortion in his upper lip, showing off his gleaming teeth and fangs.

  “I like this,” he said. “You underneath me…You feel good. You’re soft and warm. Do I weigh too much? Here, let me…”

  As he propped himself up on his arms, his arousal pressed into her core and his grin faded quick as a gasp. It was as if he didn’t like the sensation, but how could that be? He was aroused. She could feel his erection.

  With a lithe move he repositioned himself so her legs were closed and his knees were on either side of them. She couldn’t guess what had happened, but wherever he’d gone in his head was not a good place.

  “You’re perfect on top of me,” she said to distract him. “Except for one thing.”

  “What?”

  “You’ve stopped. And lose the shorts.”

  His weight came down on her immediately and his mouth went to the side of her neck. As he nipped at her skin, she pushed her head back into the pillow and bared the column of her throat. Gripping the back of his head, she urged him against her vein.

  “Oh, yes…” she moaned, wanting him to feed.

  He made a noise that was a no, but before the rejection could ripple through her, he was kissing his way down to her collarbone.

  “I want to latch onto your breast,” he said against her skin.

  “Do it.”

  “You need to know something first.”

  “What?”

  He lifted his head. “The night you came here…when I bathed you? I did my best not to look at you. I really did. I covered you with a towel eve
n though you were in the water.”

  “That was kind—”

  “But when I took you out…I saw these.” His hand captured one of her breasts. “I couldn’t help it. I swear. I tried to allow you your modesty, but you were…I couldn’t stop my eyes. Your nipple was tight from the chill of the air. So small and pink. Lovely.”

  He moved his thumb back and forth across her hard tip, scrambling her mind.

  “It’s all right,” she mumbled.

  “It wasn’t. You were defenseless and I was wrong to look at you.”

  “No, you—”

  He shifted, and his erection pressed into the top of her thighs. “This happened.”

  “What hap—Oh, you got aroused?”

  His mouth tightened. “Yeah. I couldn’t stop it.”

  She smiled a little. “But you didn’t do anything, right?”

  “No.”

  “So it’s okay.” She arched her back and watched as his eyes clung to her breasts. “Kiss me, Zsadist. Right where you’re looking. Right now.”

  His lips parted, and his tongue led the way as he dipped down. His mouth was warm on her flesh, and so very tentative, kissing, then sucking her nipple inside. He tugged, then ran a languid circle around her, then drew her in again…and all the while his hands stroked her waist and her hips and her legs.

  How ironic that he’d worried he wouldn’t be gentle. Far from brutal, he was positively reverent as he suckled, his lashes down against his cheek as he savored her, his face worshipful and rapt.

  “Christ,” he murmured, moving to her other breast. “I had no idea it would be like this.”

  “How…so?” Oh, God… His mouth…

  “I could tongue you forever.”

  She grasped his head with her hands, pulling him closer. And it took some wriggling, but she managed to split her legs and get one out from under him so that he was almost lying in the cradle of her body. She was dying to feel his arousal, except he just hovered over her.

  When he pulled back she protested, but then his hands went to the insides of her thighs and he moved down her body. As he spread her legs, the mattress began to quiver underneath her.