Longing for the Impossible

by Tiara L Giles

  My classmates began to whisper to each other causing a nervous hum in the room. Some girls had their fingers crossed, and some dudes were shaking each other’s shoulders.

  Mr. Brunswick unfolded a sheet of paper. “I noticed that Serena was quite popular.”

  Laughter is scattered across the room, and Serena’s cheeks turned as red as the Wendy’s sign. She tucked her hands into her sleeves, balling them into fists, and covered her face. Keirsten patted her on the back. The teacher explained that he sorted this with some weird matching mechanism. If the person I chose picked me than I’d most likely be placed with them. If all three of them picked me, then it would be based on who picked me as number one. He finally began to name off partners.

  Keirsten and Trinity got placed together. Alana got placed with some guy sitting at a table in the front of the room, and Keith got placed with one of the other cheerleaders.

  “Serena. You’ve got the new guy, Brandon.”

  Serena nodded. She didn’t seem surprised. “You were my third pick.” She said as if it were a no-brainer and tugged at her sleeves. Keirsten was above me, Trinity wasn’t there at all, and they picked each other as number one.

  “I picked you as my first.” The surprise showed on her face this time. She didn’t seem upset, but she did seem worried. “I’m not a bad partner to have.”

  “It’s not that.”

  Mr. Brunswick ordered us to go back to our watercolor pieces before I could ask her what she was thinking.

  “I expect you to figure out how you all will meet after class. I will hand you your assignment sheets when the bell rings. Now, let’s get to work.”

  SERENA

  “So how are we going to do this project stuff?” Keirsten asked as we met each other during lunch.

  “I call dibs on my place,” Trinity said, and Brandon groaned. She stuck her tongue out at him, and he poked her shoulder.

  “We can work at my place. My mom already said we had to.”

  “We have to?” Brandon seemed like he wanted to fight his sister over using their place as a project spot. Nobody had ever been to Keirsten’s place. She seemed pretty satisfied with the idea of working at Trinity and Brandon’s place. She gushed about her awesome mom often, but like me, she didn’t like to talk about her home.

  “Yeah.” It was better than not being able to work on the project at all. It was either working at my place or not working at all. I wanted that scholarship. I wasn’t going to piss my mom off and lose my chances.

  “Does your mom have to be home?”

  “No. But we have to be where she can see us.”

  “Ugh. That woman is asking for way too fucking much.” Trinity’s mouth was full of cornbread as she shook her head. “Would she feel better if all four of us worked at your place?”

  “Probably.”

  “But the assignment sheet says we can’t talk to any outside sources until week three.” Keirsten had the packet flipped open to the page with the criteria for it. “Wouldn’t it be breaking the rules to spend the whole project together?”

  All of us nodded together. Trinity rolled her eyes. She didn’t care about breaking rules. “Well if your mom starts being an ass we’ll come over anyway.”

  “We’ll be fine.” I doubted we would be, but Keirsten looked terrified of going against the project rules. I didn’t feel like giving her a panic attack over it.

  “We’ve gotta do this on our own, anyway, Trin,” Brandon said, and she turned down her lips, but her eyes accepted the decision to not let her barge in. “So, when do you want to start, Serena?”

  “We can start today.” We had been given a list of starter questions, and I didn’t mind getting thoseover with. The questions seemed easy enough, and I already knew most of them. They were questions like, ‘Where were you born?’, ‘When’s your birthday?’, ‘Do you like TV?’.s Stupid easy stuff. We didn’t have to make our own list unless we wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make my own list. It would be nice to get to know him again, but I was afraid of doing that. I was more afraid of him knowing things about me. He’d probably be afraid of me or find me weird. Maybe look at me like I had some boil or something.

  “I can’t wait to see how this goes though.” Keirsten clapped her hands together. Her eyes beaming with excitement. “I already have so many ideas. It’s going to be fantastic!”

  “You don’t even know me yet to have so many ideas.” Trinity seemed amused by her enthusiasm. Keirsten shook Trin’s shoulder.

  “Don’t judge my greatness. I’m already planning to bring some food.”

  Trinity looked at her food and then at Keirsten. “Only a little. I don’t want my mom complaining about me getting fat.”

  “I got you.” Keirsten winked. This was probably going to be more interesting than exciting. Who knows where this project would take us.

  8

  Serena

  I WASN’T READY. COULDN’T I just wait another day before I started on my project with Brandon? He was a guy. A really attractive guy. Why did he have to become so cute? He wasn’t like this before and these butterflies weren’t here. I know my mom agreed to let us do the project, but my mom hated boys. Especially attractive boys. Attractive boys were her least favorite. They intimidated her and screamed “bad influence”. Any influence that wasn’t hers was bad.

  I placed my books in my locker and pulled out my backpack, stuffing the night's homework inside the bag. You can do it, Ree. It’s just a project. Another step to getting out of here. I closed my locker. A hand tapped my shoulder, and my soul jumped out of my chest. Brandon had a huge smile on his face, and his eyes danced with amusement. Dammit.

  “Did I scare you?” He tilted his head to the side, assessing me.

  “No.” I waved my arm like I was flinging a dead fish and he laughed. I felt an awkward laugh trying to force itself out, but I swallowed hard instead. I didn’t remember acting like this around Brandon. Maybe I just needed time to get used to him again. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about running into that trash can up ahead of us. I quickly side stepped it as we headed out the door.

  “So, are you ready?” He asked as he glanced at the trash can behind us. His eyes were still sharp. He knew I was avoiding potential embarrassment.

  “No. I mean yes.”

  “If you want to start tomorrow-”

  “Today’s fine. We’ve gotta start at some point, right?” And the awkward laugh escaped. He lifted an eyebrow, and I looked away. God, I’m so weird. “I’ll see you at my place.”

  I took off towards my bus, hoping Brandon couldn’t see the clumsy fool I was becoming.

  Brandon’s car was already parked in my driveway. He was leaning against it with his cellphone in hand, the wind catching his dark hair. I stepped off the bus, and Keirsten’s car swerved into Trinity’s driveway blasting loud music out the windows. I could hear them screaming the lyrics to a pop song as I approached Brandon. I loved those girls. They were crazy, and I was really going to miss our trio. Keirsten danced when she got out the car and Trinity formed a circle around her mouth with her hands. “Remember you’re related to me, Brandon.”

  Brandon and I laughed and turned to my house. As soon as I closed the door behind me my nerves crawled from the tips of my toes to my fingers gluing me to the spot. I know my mom said it was okay, but I didn’t believe her. I expected her to appear from a random corner at any minute. The urge to inspect every inch of the house was strong. I opened the heavy dark brown curtains in the living room and piles of dust floated off of them. I coughed and waved my hand in the air to get the dust out of my face.

  “When was the last time you opened those?” Brandon said, he was dropping things beside the front door as I walked past him to the other blinds.

  “I don’t know. It’s been too long to remember.” If she could see me through the window. She’d know I was behaving, and I wasn’t keeping a boy in my room.

  “So, where can work?” Brandon’s voice pulled me from
my thoughts.

  “The living room and the dining room, but I think the living room is better since we’re not actually creating anything right now.”

  “Sounds good to me.” He dropped his body on the couch and unzipped his backpack. I removed my coat and followed suit, sitting on the opposite side of the couch. I placed a pillow on my lap, before pulling out the assignment sheet and a notebook. “So, this is supposed to be like twenty questions. We only get two passes, and we both have to ask each other all of the questions. Do you want to go first?”

  “I don’t mind.” He flipped open his notebook and clicked his pen. I quickly scanned the questions. A lot of these were deep. We really had to ask all of these. Jesus fucking Christ. “Okay, introvert or extrovert?”

  “Introvert.” People sucked and books were better. “You?”

  “Extrovert.”

  “Really? When did that happen? You used to be the Silent Soccer Boy.”

  He shook his head and smiled lightly. He hated that nickname. “And you used to be friends with everybody.”

  “Yeah . . .” My smile became sad. I loved being around people. People were the charger to my cellphone. But now people scared me. They could see inside of me and take all of the life out.

  “You still keep a journal?” He looked between me and the paper.

  “No. I wish. I can’t do stuff like that anymore.” Not with my mom going through my things every chance she got.

  “That sucks.” His voice was low and I nodded. “I still don’t keep journals.”

  I chuckled. “I was beginning to think you completely changed on me.”

  “A lot of the old me is still here, but there’s a lot of the new me, too.” He said, tapping his chest. I was curious to know this new him. Would I like being around him as much as I did with the old him?

  He lifted the paper to his face and set it on his lap. “If you want kids, what kind of parent do you want to be?”

  “Oh that’s a pretty deep question . . .” My lips twitched as I turned the answer over in my head. I had thought about this many times. About who I wanted to be when I finally left this house. Who I wanted to be when I got through college. I looked at Brandon. His eyes were patient. “I don’t want to be anything like my mom. I can’t help that I look like her, but I don’t want to act like her. I want to be better than her.”

  “Damn.” He said and leaned back. It was his turn to answer and every second he took to answer made me feel more and more vulnerable. An eternity was going to pass before he opened his mouth. I was afraid I would say more. “I just don’t want my kids to think I don’t love them if they aren’t perfect. My mom’s always telling Trinity to lose weight, to get straight A’s and not be useless.”

  “That’s the only thing about your mom that rubs me the wrong way.” I said and he nodded.

  “I know she loves Trinity. Trinity just doesn’t know it.”

  Did my mom love me? I saw the love Anne had for Trinity and Brandon, but I didn’t feel it or see it from my mom. I felt like I had to run after it. If she loved me it was because I did something right. It was convenient. My cellphone made a ding noise.

  “Speaking of parents . . .” I flashed my phone at him before reading the text message.

  MOM: I’ll be home at 5:30 and I want him out of my house by the time I’m back. He better not be in your room or sitting anywhere near you.

  So much for opening the blinds. Proving to her that I wasn’t a terrible child would have to wait another day. I looked at the clock. 5:30 was in five minutes. Jesus.

  “You gotta go. My mom’s going to be home in five and she wants you out.” I closed my small notepad and stuffed it at the bottom of my backpack. I never explained to her what the project was about, and I didn’t want her freaking out.

  “Like now?” He stood and I nodded.

  “Yeah now. I’m sorry.” I stopped moving and placed my hands on my hips and stared at the floor. “I guess we’ll have to finish this next week.”

  “Yeah. It’s okay.” His voice was kind and it surprised me. I expected him to be angry for pushing him off like that. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.” My lips were stretched apart into a fake smile. I watched him pack his things and followed him out the door. My Mom pulled in just as he entered his house. “Hi mom.”

  “Serena,” she said in a business like fashion. She had on a long black skirt, black boots, her thick down jacket with draw strings and a fluffy hoodie with leather brown gloves. She pulled her briefcase, lunch box, and purse out of the backseat and flung them at me as she walked past me.

  I followed her into the house, locking the doors and watched as she steaked every corner of the living room. She even looked behind one of her fake ferns. She walked to the kitchen, and I heard her slamming cabinet doors and the pantry door. Walked down the hall, and I followed her as she entered her room, checking every corner, the closet and her bathroom. She made her way to my room and ducked under the bed. She threw my clothes on the floor in the closet to get a better look before making her way to the bathroom I used. She frowned when she found nothing, tapping her foot on the seventies styled tile flooring.

  “There’s no one here. Is there any place I haven’t looked?” She scanned me as if I was hiding Brandon in my body. “Move.”

  I stepped aside and allowed her to fly past me. I dropped her things off in her room, before meeting her in the kitchen.

  “I want you to make one of those instant meals for dinner with a side of steamed broccoli. You’re momma is tired and has had a long day at work.” I didn’t even know what my mom did at work. It’s not like she ever talked about it. “I don’t want to hear your voice. I don’t want to see any expression on your face other than happiness. Matter of fact, just go to your room after you make dinner. I just want to eat, relax, and go to bed.”

  I nodded and headed towards the kitchen.

  "So, why are you going to Mama Deen's, again Kay?" I said after Trinity, and I met Keirsten outside of the library.

  "Because Keith told Keirsten to go, and Keirsten wants to see Keith." Trinity bounced her head from one side to the other as she stretched out each name. It was hard enough to get Keirsten to even agree to have lunch with us every Wednesday without her boyfriend. She was always with him, and although they were cute together, she was still our best friend. Keith was not.

  “It’s Wednesday, Kay. You went with him yesterday.” I leaned against the nearest wall.

  Her lips twisted down. She lifted and dropped her shoulders allowing a puff of air to escape her mouth. "I know. It's just . . . you guys get mad when the Lunch Trio is compromised. So, maybe you guys could come with me?"

  "Look, Kay. I don't like messing up our thing either, but we don't want to be third wheels, and we know there won’t be seats for us."

  "Shit, or even a fourth wheel." Trinity rolled her eyes and looked into the library.

  "I'm not fourth wheeling you!"

  "Could've fooled me."

  "Guys!" I put my hand up in the air. We didn't need another argument.

  "We only have a few months left together. You’re fucking leaving us, Kay." Trinity’s eyes fell and she stuffed her hands in her pockets. "I'm just trying to keep us together since you're going to college with Keith, and we’re going to school together."

  "I know. I'm sorry." Keirsten brought her hands together. "I promise I won’t cancel next week."

  Trinity took a deep breath and placed her hands on her hips. "Alright."

  BRANDON

  Mrs. Tricia had us completing writing exercises to keep our minds off of the upcoming pep rally. Most of the students were talking to each other and laughing. A loud smack jumps off the walls.

  “I told all of you to focus on your work and keep it down.” She said dropping the ruler she had in her hands and adjusting her multi-colored vest. “I understand, you all are excited for the pep rally. However, you are still in class until the announcement is made on the intercom. Keep
it down or you will have to turn in two papers this week.”

  Everyone mutters apologies and collective “Yes ma’am’s” as Mrs. Tricia returns to her seat. She snatches the ruler from her desk and grips it in her hand, threatening everyone with her eyes.

  The school was throwing a pep rally for the basketball team, and I needed to find a way to sit next to Serena. Sven already had the upper hand by being seated next to her in class.

  He propped his legs on his desk and placed his notebook in his lap. Serena smacked his legs, but he crossed them instead of dropping them. My view of her was only from the back of her head. All I could see were her shoulders shaking from stifled laughter. Sven gave her this stupid wide smile before he dropped his feet back down and resumed his work.

  The intercom finally popped on and the principal's voice came through. “Teachers, you may direct your students to the gymnasium at this time.”

  “Okay, let’s go.” Mrs. Tricia clapped her hands together, and everyone exploded out of their seats. I had to act fast. They were already trying to climb over each other to get out the door. “Calm down or I’m not letting anyone out of this door!”

  All the kids closest to the door froze and shut their mouths. I took that as my opportunity to move closer to Serena. I climbed over a couple of desks and squeezed between people until I made it to her.

  “Hey.”

  She turned, her look of confusion melted into a smile that made my chest swell. “Hey. You sitting with us?”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Cool.” She grabbed my arm and shoved me between her and Sven before placing me in front of her. I was pretty sure my expression of shock matched Sven’s. I was surprised she actually touched me. “We’ve gotta do the buddy system, or we’re going to get swallowed whole once she opens that door.”