Longing for the Impossible

by Tiara L Giles

  She threw the blanket at me. “Clean this blanket and steam clean the couch.” She made a disgusted sound and shook her hands in the air as she walked past me. “I thought I raised a better child than this. I am so disappointed. You had so much potential, and I have shown nothing but good towards you. I don’t know what to do with you anymore.”

  I didn’t do anything wrong but I couldn’t prove her wrong. “You’re not getting this pizza tonight. Pizza is a luxury and offsprings like you don’t get luxuries.”

  I bowed my head to cover up the sadness. How could one moment ruin her trust in me like that? I had no idea what my mom was like during her childhood. Was she the perfect daughter? Did she do everything right? “I’m sorry, mom.”

  “You should be.” She turned her back to me and began tapping her foot. “Go and clean.”

  I gathered the blankets and blinked rapidly to prevent tears from falling. Tears would only make her angrier. I didn’t want that.

  10

  Serena

  “It was cold as fuck last night,” Trinity said as she, Keirsten and I sat at our usual lunch table. Trinity had gotten back shortly after my mom got home.

  “How about that shower though?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I felt like a fucking ice cube, and I was so mad when the power came on after I got out the shower. Ever felt like a fucking ice cube, Kay?”

  Keirsten shrugged, taking a bite of her French fry. “Plenty of times. Cold nights are easier if you live in one of those old houses with gas stoves.”

  “What do you do?” I leaned forward.

  “You heat up the water, duh.” She giggled. Keirsten didn’t have a gas stove in her current house. She rarely talked about what happened when she lived in her old city. Her stories always seemed dark whenever she did talk about it.

  “So, my brother stayed at your place until your mom got back.” Trinity smirked. She had the same expression on her face Brandon had after the pep rally. Wasn’t she the straightforward twin?

  “We both know I’m scared of the dark. He was just being nice.”

  “Oh please. I bet you two cuddled.” I rolled my eyes as a blush covered my face. Keirsten squealed. “You did, didn’t you?”

  “Shh.” I looked around. Keith and Brandon were still standing at another table not far from us. “They could hear us.”

  “But you think he’s hot, right?” She poked my shoulder, and I smacked her hand away.

  “Stop.”

  “Trin, she’s got the hot’s for your brother.” She continued to poke me, and I wanted to swing at her.

  “I’d say ew because he’s my brother, but . . . ew.”

  Keirsten laughed and I shook my head. At least they didn’t ask how my mom felt about it. That was a bridge I didn’t want to cross.

  Sven walked towards us with Alana practically tripping behind him.

  I leaned over to Trinity. “Is she ever going to stop chasing him?”

  “Hoes like hoes, girl.” She tapped my shoulder. Alana always wanted what she couldn’t have. Sven left her a long time ago, and she still wanted to get back with him, but he didn’t want her in that way.

  “Sup, beautiful.” He ruffled my hair before wrapping around the table to sit across from me. Alana sat next to him and attempted to bore her eyes into my skin.

  “Hi, Sven.”

  Brandon and Keith joined us shortly after. Brandon sent me a warm smile, and my neck warmed as well. I remembered his fingers on my cheek and in my hair and how good it all felt, and I looked away. I needed to hide those feelings. Letting him get close to me like that got me in trouble.

  “So,” Sven said loudly, raising a fry in the air. “As the last member of the Moretti clan . . . I’ll be throwing the annual senior V-day party in a couple of weeks. Be on the lookout for dates.” He pointed the fry at everyone at the table. “Bring dates, too. You know the rules. Cool kids only. No one is single.”

  Sometimes I wanted to throw a rock at Sven. Cool kids only meant barely anyone was invited to the party. Just a bunch of jocks, cheerleaders, and whoever else was considered popular by association, like me. Alana looked at Sven with large hopeful doe eyes, but Sven was looking at me.

  Shit.

  He wasn’t going to ask me was he?

  “So, Serena . . .” Dammit. “Are you going?”

  “I don’t know if I can.” I couldn’t. We both knew that.

  “Let me know if you do. I’d love to take you.” He winked. Oh my god.

  Alana looked like her eyes were going to melt out of her head with how hard she was glaring at Sven and I. She focused her attention on Brandon sitting on the other side of her and blasted the sultriest smile I had ever seen her wear.

  “You want to go with me, Brandon?” She flipped her hair and touched his shoulder. Gross. Brandon looked at me and then back at her.

  “Um . . .”

  He could go with her if he wanted to. I didn’t care. I couldn’t go anyway.

  “Sure.” He shrugged and she smiled, clapping her hands together.

  “Great!”

  Yeah. Okay, let me be honest. I may have looked like I didn’t care, but the raging sea inside of me cared a lot.

  My mom was home early this time. She cooked us lasagna and hummed as she placed the food on the table. I hadn't seen her this happy in a long time.

  “So, how was everyone’s day? I want to hear all about it,” she said in Italian and took her seat. She looked between my sister and I with bright eyes. “It doesn’t matter who goes first.”

  “Brandon has a crush on Serena.” Trinity had an evil grin on her face

  “Dio santo.” I threw a napkin at her and she cackled. “Dammit, Trinity.”

  “Oh, I knew that already.” My mom waved a hand at Trinity. “He’s been pining after that girl since he could walk. You know he bought her flowers and a book once.”

  “Mom!”

  “He did?” Trinity put her elbows on the table and gave me a larger open mouthed sarcastic smile. She already knew about the book and flowers. Everybody knew about the book and flowers. Serena only saw it as a friendly gift. Like flowers were for the friend zone.

  “He did. It’s true. Of course I would’ve preferred for you to do things the Italian way, but your father had his own plan. He doesn’t really like Italian things.” She shook her head and the corners of her mouth fell heavily. My father used to hate hearing her speak in Italian to her parents. After I moved in with him, he avoided everything Italian. Food. Clothing. Art. You name it. He wasn’t interested. “Is she still dating that Italian stronzo?”

  “Mom!” Trinity yelled.

  “I’m your mother, I can curse all I want to.”

  “He is a stronzo,” Trinity mumbled.

  “Trinity!”

  “You let Brandon curse!”

  “Well it’s unlady like for you to do so,” my mom said, before a curious smile creeped on her face. “Are there any boys that you are interested in, dear?”

  “No. I’m staying single until college.” Trinity stabbed her food and took a large bite.

  She took Trinity’s fork and cut off a smaller portion and glared at her before handing the fork to her. Trinity’s lips twitched, and she flipped the fork around before setting it on her plate. “But prom is in April, tesoro.”

  Trinity’s voice was soft this time. “I don’t mind going alone if I want to.”

  “Okay, dear,” my mom said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll respect your decision, but I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “Okay Mom.”

  BRANDON

  “Why the fuck are you going to Sven’s party with Alana if you still like Serena?” Trinity asked, leaning against my bedroom door.

  “I’m doing homework, Trin.” I waved the stack of papers on my desk at her.

  “Fuck your homework.” She sat on my bed. “Answer the question.”

  “She can’t go, Trin.” I swiveled my chair back around. “Let me finish my homework.�
��

  “Shit like that, is how you lost her the first time.” I could hear her climbing off the bed. “I have my ways, but if you want to date Alana instead, be my guest, bro.”

  The door slammed behind her as she left. She knew me better than that. I didn’t want to pursue Alana. I wanted Serena. I wanted the old her. The new her. All of her, but I wasn’t going to get her into trouble. Not unless she wanted me to.

  SERENA

  Alana was sitting in Chemistry class talking to her fucking lab partner about how she got Brandon to go to Sven's party with her.

  "I bet it was my hair that got him to say yes." She pointed her hair, and her partner smiled like she was the smartest person on the planet. Shallow was more like it.

  She had pin straight blonde hair. It was shiny. That was it. That was as far as it went. She was pretty, sure, but how did hair get a guy to say yes to her? He didn't even say yes. He said 'sure'.

  "Normally, I'd ask Sven, but Brandon was a better option."

  "I bet he was her only option," my partner said, nudging my arm and I snickered.

  Alana turned around and shot arrows at us with her eyes. "What was that?"

  “Talk to your partners. Not across tables.” Our teacher walked between us and motioned for us to get back to work. I went back to writing the results of our experiment.

  I guess Alana was the better option. She was cool. People wanted her. She could leave the house. She had freedom.

  I didn’t think Brandon would fall for bitches though. Why did I care so much? Why did I want to call her a bitch? I mean, she is, but I didn’t need to be mean. He must have gotten to me because I was jealous that she could go to a party with him. Was I starting to like him?

  I compared my results with my partner, and we submitted them to my teacher. Liking Brandon would be dangerous.

  11

  Brandon

  “Let’s discuss the next portion of your project . . .” Mr. Brunswick sat on his desk, face and apron covered in paint. Somehow the paint missed his Khaki pants. “You won’t have to meet again for a couple of weeks unless you choose to do so. I’m pretty sure all of you love your partners.”

  I heard Serena sigh next to me. Relief seemed to flood her face. Did she not want to see me? She caught me watching her and smiled. Maybe it was something else. She scribbled on a sheet of paper and slid it to Trinity. Trinity gave me a strange look before writing something back. I was confused, but I didn’t want to just assume they were talking about me.

  “Each of you will need to list things that make you look good to other people. This could be objects, personality traits, it doesn’t matter. Since I believe there is good in everyone, this is the part where you can shine in the midterm paper if you and your partner hate each other’s guts.” Mr. Brunswick jumped off the desk and grabbed a stack of papers. He walked to the table closest to him and asked the kid to pass the copies around. “You’ve got two weeks and then you meet about it to make sure they put what you want in their papers. Understood?”

  Everyone mumbled responses.

  “Great!” he said and the bell rang. “I’ll see you all next class. We’re going to talk about the wonderful working of Jackson Pollock!”

  “I hate Jackson Pollock,” Serena said and stood. My sister and Keirsten swooped around her and drug her out of the room so fast, I didn’t get to talk to her.

  “We’ll see you males at lunch.” Keirsten waved as she shoved Serena out of the room.

  “Must be some secret trio stuff, bro.” Keith patted my back and walked past me.

  SERENA

  “Is that normal for a mom to say stuff like that?” Trinity said as she joined me on the bus.

  “You’re still on this?” I sat at the front of the bus and placed my backpack in front of my feet.

  “I just want to know if it’s normal for a mom to call their child stupid?” I waved my hand up and down looking around at the people piling onto the bus and she lowered her voice. “Did Sophia really call you stupid?”

  “Yeah.” It’s not like I would lie about that. If I had said my dad called me stupid she wouldn’t have questioned me. Maybe it was because my mom used to be nice to everyone including me. Now she’s just nice to everyone except me. “It’s not the first time.”

  “What the fuck?” she yelled, and I shushed her. “When was the first time?”

  “Remember Jace?”

  “The really cute one from the church?”

  I nodded. “He asked me to go to his homecoming dance, but my mom had me back out at the last minute. She said I was too stupid to realize guys only wanted me for one thing.”

  “Ugh.” She slumped in the seat. “He was like the nicest guy at that church. He wouldn’t have tried anything. Is that why you stopped going?”

  “No.” My mom stopped going because some people started asking her about her personal life. All they wanted to know was how she was doing and how she and Anne were doing. Apparently those questions were too much for her. I thought that was stupid.

  “And your mom thinks you and my brother are having sex?” she asked and I nodded. She grimaced and placed a hand on her forehead. “Does he know?”

  “No. And I don’t want him to. We’ve got to at least get through this project.”

  “How?” She waved her arms around at something that wasn’t there. “How are you going to do that, when your mom practically thinks you sitting in the same room equals sex by the fire?”

  “I haven’t figured that out yet.” We could go to my mom’s job and sit outside her office, but what if she thought I was mocking her? Wouldn’t that just make her angrier? “We don’t have to meet until after Sven’s party.”

  “You sure you don’t want me to tell him? He could help.”

  “Or he could make things worse.” The bus stopped in between our houses, and we both got out. Trinity’s face was solemn as she walked up her driveway.

  What about me is interesting anyway, I thought as I looked over the assignment sheet my teacher gave us. I couldn’t think of anything. It had been so long since I had paid any attention to myself.

  I paced my room, staring at everything I owned. What did I have? Maybe my collection of historical fiction? No. That wasn’t cool. That was kinda lame. I might come off as one of the snobby English nerds. People already think I’m a snobby English nerd.

  “Okay. Maybe something less nerdy.” I looked at my lantern lights hovering over my bed. The tiny cacti on my windowsill. I was about to go through the files on my computer when it hit me. I shouldn’t have to try and be something I wasn’t. I wasn’t a cheerleader anymore, so if all I have to show is a bunch of books than so what.

  I liked dancing too. That seemed to come hand in hand with being a cheerleader. Dancing was fun. I haven’t danced in a while. Not in public that is. I smiled to myself. I had found something. It may be boring to Brandon and everyone else, but I liked it.

  A loud knock sounded on my door and I shoved my assignment sheet under my pillow.

  “Serena what are you doing?” My mom peeped her head in.

  “Homework.”

  She pushed the door opened and began moving things around in my room. “Your room looks like trash.”

  My room was spotless. I had vacuumed earlier when I got home. I wiped down the counters and dusted everything. The bed was made so well you would think I was a nurse at a hospital.

  “Mom.”

  “What is it?” She picked up the plants and curled her lips as if she had seen something horrific.

  Be careful, Serena. “I have this assignment for . . . English . . . I have to find something interesting about me. Do you know anything?”

  “I don’t know, Serena.” Her shoulders fell and she picked up my trash can. “I don’t really pay that much attention to you . . . You make good grades and your favorite color isn’t very interesting. You want to be like me when you grow up. Of course I appreciate that. But you have a long ways to go. You’re stubborn . . . you don’t li
sten to me . . . you’re way too aggressive to meet a good guy. I highly suggest you stay single. You don’t want to lose focus.”

  “So I’m not interesting?”

  “Not really. You’re really pretty. You at least have that going for you.” Dark circles seemed to magically appear under my mom’s eyes as she placed my garbage can back on the floor. “But it would be shallow to talk about that. I love you, but talking to you about your silly homework assignment is making me tired. I’ve got bigger problems than this. Ask your teacher for another assignment.”

  She exited my room taking what was left of my self-esteem with her. I shouldn’t have asked her. I knew shouldn’t have. I wanted to know if my mom actually cared enough to notice anything positive about me. Everything she said was all I had been hearing for months and months. I wanted to know if maybe I was doing something right. That I was doing something my mom had finally approved of. I wouldn’t get there any time soon.

  12

  Serena

  Trinity, Kiersten, and I sat outside on the school’s courtyard in the sunniest spot possible. Trinity thought it would be a great idea for us to freeze to death. Maybe she was planning to cut up our bodies and sell them on the black market, because she wasn’t cold at all. I was freezing. My jacket felt like a thin piece of fabric. My hands were ice cubes as I tried to lift my sandwich. My hands were shaking. I lost a piece of lettuce before it hit my mouth. She had better had a good reason for bringing us out here, or I was going to kill her. Keirsten looked equally unhappy about our current situation, but at least she had a thermos full of hot tea. I didn’t have shit.

  “You should go to the party on Friday, Serena.” Trinity wiped her face and hands. She threw the empty wrapper at the trash can and pumped her fist in the air when it landed inside.