Longing for the Impossible

by Tiara L Giles

  “But don’t take the old man’s advice, I chased your grandmother for a century.” He patted my shoulder again and stood. “Don’t forget to eat dinner, son.”

  SERENA

  I sat on the couch flipping through channels on the TV. Nothing was on. Everything seemed boring and bland. Not even the movies on the shelves. Most of them were family friendly movies anyway. My mom did this huge purge of anything she felt was damaging to a five year old. That was most movies, and I wasn’t five.

  I grabbed a pillow and laid down. I could sulk. At least I could do that.

  This semester had some good moments, right? Some with my friends and some with Brandon. The good moments, weren’t meant to last though. I still had to finish that stupid project. I had to think about Brandon the entire spring break in order to finish the project. I didn’t want to finish the project. I didn’t want to think about the good moments and I really didn’t want to think about the bad. I just wanted to sit here and think about nothing. I wanted to feel empty on the inside. Dream none of this ever happened. Nothing ever changed.

  I hated myself for the decisions I made here. I could’ve made better ones, right? Maybe I could have run away? I could have called the cops, but they take forever to show up in our town. In a life or death situation, I’d be dead by the time they showed up or they’d put me in jail right along with her.

  It was a lost cause.

  I moved from the couch and forced myself to walk outside. I couldn’t run. I didn’t have anywhere to go. All of my friends were gone and we lived so far away from family that it would take forever to get to them. The mailbox would have to be my destination. I popped it open and found an envelope from Triton State University.

  I ripped it opened and unfolded it.

  We are happy to inform you that have been offered the Triton Scholars Grant. Upon accepting this offer, we would like you to enroll in our Triton Scholars summer program that will begin on June 7th. Please log onto your student account to get accept and get started.

  I didn’t bother with reading the rest of the letter. I got all of the information I needed. I ran into the house and found my mother’s computer. I logged on and hit accept so fast I probably didn’t take a breath. I got the scholarship, and I could leave the house early. I could leave early!

  I had to find a way to talk to Trinity. Trinity was my roommate for the fall. We were supposed to share an apartment together. Maybe I could write a quick note and run it across the street. That would work right? My mom wouldn’t be home until lunch. I could do it now, but I’d have to make a run for it.

  I ran into my house and into my bedroom, scribbled the news onto a sheet of paper and asked her to talk to me, in art class when spring break was over, before we presented our projects. I checked the clock it was 11:30. I didn’t have much time.

  I ran across the street, stuffed it in the mailbox, and ran back inside. My mom came home five minutes later.

  Spring break was over, and I was back in class with living breathing human beings. It was great. I didn’t know how much I wanted to be around people until I had to spend an entire week with just my mother and I.

  “So you got the scholarship? That’s fucking awesome!” Trinity gave me a big hug when she met me at the school's entrance. “How’d you get that note to me anyway?”

  “I ran.”

  “Your mom seems happy about it. She posted it on Facebook and was talking about how much she was going to miss you.”

  “Ugh. She was completely unhappy about it when I told her.” Of course she would tell the world about my accomplishments. Her friends were probably congratulating her for the scholarship, as if I wasn’t the one who received it. They said happy birthday to her on my birthday. They congratulated her for me getting the honor roll. As far as the internet knew, I was the perfect daughter, and it was all because of her.

  “Your mom has some serious issues,” she said as we walked into the building and I nodded. “You ready for this presentation?”

  “Not at all.” I had written my speech with so many emotions I was afraid to look at it again. I wanted to change it. Make it easier for my classmates to stomach and not be so obvious about my feelings, but the words were just too scary to look at. Getting them out was already hard. Everyone else would tell what each part of the portrait represented. Mine was so much more than that.

  “Kay and I got you.” Trinity wrapped her arms around me. “No matter what. We got you.”

  BRANDON

  Sitting next to Serena and not talking to her or looking at her was weird. It was painful. I hated not holding her hand, or call her mine. I hated it more than anything. She and I didn’t have to present on the same day, and I didn’t do a good job with my project. I got a few things. Painted some parts and put things together. The project was all about her. The one person I wanted to keep my mind off of.

  Keirsten went first. Her project was funny and nice. A few other people went after her and Serena was last for the day. She grabbed a large board, covered in newsprint paper, from the front of the class. Her shoulders were tense, but her head was high. She pulled a large sheet of paper from her pocket. She handed the piece to Mr. Brunswick.

  “You ready?” he said to her, and she mouthed her answer. He flipped the newsprint over, revealing a large piece with bright and dark colors. Fake snow was covering the background. There was a small road peaking from behind things and a tiny car flipped upside down. Holy shit.

  Two large figures that looked like my parents stood on opposite ends of each other. My mother looked alive. My father looked dead. I knew the bright blue dress was Trinity. There was a small cage tied to a tree. Was that her?

  “Your ten minutes starts whenever you’re ready, Ms. Richards.” Mr. Brunswick’s finger hovered over the timer on his phone. She nodded and he started the clock.

  “When I got Brandon as my partner I thought ‘This project’s going to be easy. I grew up with this guy.’” She shook her head as if to say ‘she was wrong’ and smiled when she got a few laughs. “Apparently two years is long enough to fall behind on knowing everything about a person.”

  She shifted in her spot, her fingers tightening around the paper.

  “I knew you had a thing for British rock bands, but I didn’t know you finally started liking hip-hop.”

  I felt myself grin at that and she grinned too.

  “Somehow you became an extrovert, but you still hate parties and somehow you always liked me, and it took me forever to see I liked you too.” I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I knew she liked me. She wouldn’t have kissed me if she didn’t. She wouldn’t have gotten herself in trouble if she didn’t. But why was she saying this now? When we couldn’t even be anything?

  Keirsten squealed, Alana grimaced, and Trinity lifted her brow at me. I swear whatever she had to say I didn’t want to hear it.

  “But the point is. Everything I knew about you sits at the foundation of this piece and everything new is brightly colored. That’s kind of all I have, but I hope things get brighter for you after high school.” She handed the sheet of paper to the professor and placed the newsprint paper back over the piece. The room was silent as she made her way back to her seat. She covered her face with her sleeves, refusing to look at me. All of our friends looked at her with sympathy. They all knew. They all knew our relationship was through, and there was nothing they could do about it.

  18

  Serena

  Five Months Later . . .

  I scribbled in the last bubble for my final exam. It was August. My scholarship class was finally over, and I had been on my own since high school graduation. Nice didn't describe how good it felt to be on my own. Fantastic didn't even describe it.

  I handed my test to the teacher's assistant.

  "Have a nice freshman year, Serena," he whispered and winked as he returned my student ID.

  "Later." I skipped out of the class and headed towards the coffee shop on campus. Trinity was supposed to move
in today and call me when she got to our apartment.

  I took a left down a tree-lined pathway. A few metal benches were spread out on the path with flower beds sitting between each bench. The campus was beautiful, and I got to walk it whenever I wanted to. Day or night.

  I entered the log cabin looking coffee shop and walked towards the counter. The coffee shop was the only building on campus that looked out of place. Every other building was brick and concrete.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I stepped away from the line.

  "Hey!"

  "Okay, so like, where are you right now because I'm ten minutes away," Trinity was yelling in my ear, and I rolled my eyes.

  "I was just about to get coffee."

  "Get me some too. I'll pick you up. Which coffee shop are you at?"

  "Beanie Treats." The line began to get a little longer, and I inched my body closer.

  "I hate that name. Who names a coffee shop Beanie Treats?" she mumbled. "I'm on my way."

  She hung up and tucked my phone into my pocket and hopped to the back of the line. I felt a tap on the shoulder.

  "What'cha getting?"

  I felt my heart leap out of chest, and I turned around to see my teacher's assistant laughing at me. I frowned and his blue brown eyes twinkled.

  "Sorry about that.” He let out another chuckle and ran his fingers through his dirty blonde hair. “Everyone got done early, so Dr. Pratt sent me on a coffee run."

  “It’s fine.” I smiled back, and the line moved forward. “My roommate wants me to get her coffee too.”

  “Great! So we’re both running errands for people.” He patted me on the shoulder and I laughed. This is so awkward, I thought.

  It was my turn to order my coffee, and I got Trinity and I iced white mochas.

  Tristan ordered and marched over beside me as I waited for my coffee. He grabs the loops of his belt and straightens his back. He had been staring at me all summer. Asking me if I needed extra help on assignments and if I wanted to meet for coffee to talk about being here without parents. I wasn’t sure if he was flirting or just being nice. If he was, he definitely couldn’t try anything with me. He was basically an employee.

  “So, did you come here with a boyfriend or . . .” He nudges my arm like he’s trying to crack a joke, and I shake my head. My phone buzzed.

  TRINITY: I’m outside female!

  “Serena!” The barista slid me my two coffees and I turned towards Tristan. Tristan was really cute. He was toned, had one of those cute hipster hairstyles, and with the way he’s dressed, with a brown leather briefcase and oxford's, Trinity would have called him a coffee shop hoe. I’d say he was hot but the awkward I’m-training-to-be-a-teacher-thing was something I wasn’t into. I didn’t want to try a secret relationship. If I was going to date someone, I wanted to be out and proud about. “No, but good luck with those coffees.”

  “Bye, Serena.”

  I lift a cup as I head out the door.

  It took us five hours to move all of Trinity’s stuff. Five whole hours. Her dad had helped her move out of her house and a u-haul was attached to the back of his truck. The woman was acting like she was living in the whole two bedroom herself.

  We were sitting in the living room eating cheap store bought pizza and watching crappy television.

  “I'm so happy to be away from home. I'm going to do everything.”

  “You’re going to do everything?” She gave me teasing look, and I rolled my eyes at her.

  “But how does it feel for real?” She turned towards me on the couch, her mouth full of pizza. “We get to be roommates. You get to use the fucking internet. You get to fucking have friends and date boys!”

  “It feels great, but it feels weird.”

  “How?”

  “Sometimes I forget I’m not at home when I wake up.” I clutched the couch pillow to my chest. “It’s kind of scary, waking up thinking you’re going to get caught for doing something you shouldn’t have done, but then you remember that you’re here and not there and that everything is okay.”

  Trinity nodded. She didn’t know how I felt, but she could sympathize. Sometimes I woke up in cold sweats. I’d feel like I was back in my room, and my mother was standing over my head, ready to beat me with anything she had. You would think just being away from her would make me feel better but it didn’t. I still had nightmares. I was still afraid, and it would take forever for me to be okay. I wasn't sure if I would ever be okay.

  “I got a therapist.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. After the last anxiety attack I called you about, I decided to go.”

  “They’d probably do a better job at helping than I could and maybe teach me how to be a better friend.”

  “You’re not a bad friend.”

  “But I wasn't there for you and that’s bad enough. If I can help, you can get help you get through this . . .” She bit her bottom lip. The sorrow was heavy in her eyes.

  “You’re not a bad friend, Trin.” I patted her on the shoulder and she nodded. Her face was still sad but she cracked a smile. My cellphone dinged, and I made a small noise when I saw Brandon’s name. Brandon Eliot has sent you a friend request.

  “Did you really just make a new profile?”

  “I was paranoid!”

  “Has she sent you a friend request?” Trinity pulled out her phone, and my cell dinged again with a friend request from her. “Dammit. Keirsten beat me to being your friend.”

  “This is not a competition and no, she hasn’t added me yet.” I was grateful she hadn’t found me but also surprised. Didn’t she have my friends as her friends? Wouldn’t my name have popped up by now as a suggestion? “I might block her if she finds me. I might block her. I'm not sure if I should yet.”

  “She doesn’t have your new number so that's up to you.” Trinity sat up straight and began tapping rapidly away on her phone.

  “How is he?” Trinity was quiet for a moment, and I wanted to take the question back. I hadn’t asked about him at all. I was afraid she was going to ignore me. What if he had a girlfriend now? I could look online, but I didn’t want to. He could’ve found somebody else. Somebody with a lot less baggage. Somebody prettier. Somebody better.

  “Ask him yourself. I know you still have his number.”

  Just the thought of sending him a message put my heart into overdrive. He could ignore me. We were friendly before graduation, but it was so hard. It was so hard not to want him and not to touch him, and it was definitely hard for him. Neither of us said goodbye. We were both too afraid of the word.

  Now Trinity wanted me to talk to him. She wanted me to ask him how he was as if that wouldn't give him bad memories of my existence. I wasn’t ready. He could’ve started hating me.

  “I can’t. I can’t just ask him.”

  “Okay, Ree. Baby steps then.” She patted my head and stood, exiting the living room.

  BRANDON

  “Alright boys, hit the showers!” Our coach yelled as we ran off the soccer field. Keith jogged up alongside me as we made it to the locker room. Our locker room was huge, with blue and white everywhere. It smelled like sweaty balls, mustard, and armpits. We smelled gross.

  “Serena’s got a new Facebook account. She got a new everything, bro.” He slapped me on the back and hopped over to his locker. I began to undress and grabbed my towel. He waltzed back over to me with his cellphone in hand. “See.”

  Damn. I hadn’t seen her face in so long. Her hair was much shorter than before. It stopped just above her shoulders making her curls tighter and more pronounced, but still wild. She looked good. She looked alive and I bet she’d look even better in person. “I’ll add her later.”

  “I think she’s still single, bro, but that hairdo makes her look fine as hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody snatches her up soon. I’d go crazy if Keirsten looked like that, but she's got this innocent look going on.” Keith tossed his phone back in his locker and grabbed his towel.

 
“You got a problem with Keirsten’s look?” I stuffed my dirty clothes into a duffle and dropped the duffle on the floor.

  “Nah. It’s just . . .” He threw his towel over his shoulder. “You fucked all these girls over the summer and I got her.”

  I tilted my head and his face fell.

  “I’m sorry, man. That came out wrong. This virgin thing is killing me.” Keith was okay with Keirsten’s choice to stay a virgin until whenever she felt like it, but sometimes I worried if he was cheating on her. “All I’m trying to say is . . . If you still want her. You gotta work fast. She’s single now, but she won’t be single forever.”

  I nodded. He was right, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go down that route again. Accept who she is now. I heard Trinity’s voice in the back of my head. I still loved her, but if she still wanted me, I’d have to take her and all of her baggage. I pushed the thought out of my mind and headed towards the shower. I’d worry about that another day.

  19

  Serena

  “I know you aren’t in our sorority, but you’re going to the dance with us, right?” My friend Francesca said, hopping on the bed behind Trinity. She yanked Trinity’s hair into a ponytail and Trin squealed. Francesca was one of Trinity’s sorority sisters and my classmates. She had a tendency to come over and experiment with hairstyles.

  I spun around in my desk chair. “I don't really have a reason to go.”

  “Yeah, and Tristan didn’t just send you an invite to an invite only party,” Trinity said and I blushed.

  Tristan had asked me a week before and wanted me to think about it. I thought about it for a while. I thought about whether I liked him enough to go out with him or if he was just being nice. I definitely thought about him still being my teacher's assistant. “I'm not sure if I want to go with him or not.”