Longing for the Impossible

by Tiara L Giles

  “Got a lot on your mind?” Tristan glanced at me as the light turned green. A small smirk rested on his lips.

  “Nah. I’m still waking up.” I smiled, tapping a finger on my forehead.

  “Well that coffee should wake you up completely.”

  “I hope so.”

  We sat beside a window for what felt like an eternity but was only five minutes, glancing at each other, sipping our coffee, and looking outside. This guy wanted me to think about being his girlfriend. If I was going to at least consider being his girlfriend, I needed to know something else about him besides his job, his major, and his fraternity.

  “What do you like to do outside of school and your frat?”

  “I prefer to work out.” He grabbed his bicep and grinned. “I’ve been on this healthy train, and I don’t think I’m getting off. Do you like to work out?”

  “I work out. Probably not the same way you do, but I work out when I have time.”

  He slid his coffee away from me and pointed at me. “I totally get what you mean about time, but you’ve gotta make time.” He placed his hands together and his eyes turned serious. “Do you want to have kids one day?”

  My face dropped, and he chuckled before leaning back in his seat. “We’re still on the topic of working out. Don’t worry.”

  “Oh. Good.” I didn’t want to think about kids right now. At least not with him. I just got here. I needed to get my life together before I even thought about babies.

  “But do you want to have kids?”

  “Someday.”

  “I want to have kids as soon as I graduate.” He pressed his finger on the table after almost every word. Isn’t he supposed to graduate next year? Shit, he wants to start having kids in a year? “But if I’m going to marry a girl and give her kids, I want both of us to be in tip top shape. My kids deserve healthy parents. You understand that, don’t you Serena?”

  “Well yeah.” I straightened in my seat and placed both hands around my coffee cup. Something about that question rubbed me the wrong way, but I tried to ignore it. “You want to be around to see your kids hit every milestone.”

  “Exactly.” He pointed his finger in the air and beamed. “See you get me. My parents were great people, and I want to be like them. What do you want for your kids, Serena?”

  I barely knew this guy. I didn’t even know if I could trust him with anything. Not even with the coffee I had in front of me. He seemed like the type of guy to introduce you to his family after the third date and discuss wedding vows after three months. With this being the second date and us already talking about babies we’re almost on the way to meeting his parents. Besides, did I even want to tell him what I wanted for my kids? Telling him what I wanted for my kids would bring up my mom and bringing up my mom would open wounds that haven’t fully healed yet.

  “My kids need to know I care about them.” But I wasn’t ready for kids yet. He nodded. The approval danced off of him.

  “That’s a good answer,” he said and took another sip of his coffee. “I like that answer, but you should stay healthy. You look amazing, and I want to do amazing things with you.”

  His eyes scanned my body, even the parts he couldn’t see under the table. I squirmed. The longer he stared the more it seemed as if he was going to eat me and put the rest of me in the fridge for later.

  “You want to get food somewhere, then head back to my place?” He saw something between us that I neither saw nor felt. If it was so obvious that I didn’t like this guy why did I put up with him? Was it because he was practical? “We could watch a movie or do something else on my couch if my roommates aren’t back.”

  “I’m good.” The words slipped out without thinking. “I think we’re moving a little too fast here with the talk of babies, and I’m a freshmen. I don’t want to be pregnant in a year.”

  “Oh.” His face fell, and I felt a little bad for him. This guy was so eager to have a girlfriend. “Are you sure? I could give you a lot. We’d look great together.”

  “I’m sure.” He’d look like a ten foot John Cena next to me.

  “So you want me to take you home?”

  “That would be nice.”

  He sighed and stood from his chair, and I followed him to his car.

  23

  Brandon

  I heard loud banging on the door to my dorm, and I rushed to see who was there. Keirsten was standing on the other side with her arms folded and feet tapping. She looked like she wanted to burn a hole in the door with as hard as she was staring at it. I almost wanted to pretend I wasn't home. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it.

  “If you want to kill him, I know a great place to hide the body.”

  She stopped on her way in and glared at me before cracking a smile. “I’d take you up on that if I didn’t love him.”

  She stomped down the short hallway and dropped her backpack beside the couch. She fell onto the couch and groaned, placing her hand over her eyes. I sat on the arm of the couch, placing my feet on the cushion. “What did he do this time?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t . . .” She groaned again and sat up straight. “How many times has he bailed on me since we got here? We’ve been here for almost two months. Almost two whole months, and I’ve only seen him twice. Twice! And then he asks me to come here, and he’s not even here. What kind of sh-. . .”

  She moves her hands up and down in the air as she breathes deeply to calm herself.

  “Just whatever you do, if you get a girlfriend, don’t make her feel like she’s a stalker for wanting to at least fu- . . . for at least talking to you.” She turned in my direction and pointed at me. “And if that girl happens to be Serena, I will destroy you.”

  I’d never make her or any other woman feel like I’m unreachable. “Are you still on that no cussing kick?”

  “I’m trying to use better words. I don’t know if it’s working.”

  “Curse words are always better.” Keith walked in with a large smile on his face. Keirsten jumped from her spot, and I sent him a warning look. His smile dropped when he realized he was in trouble. “I’ll catch you later. Is Trin still coming for her fall break?”

  “Yeah, I think she’s bringing someone with her.” She gave me a small smile and placed fists on her hips. “Why haven’t I heard from you, Keith?”

  “Baby. I’m sorry.” Keith walked up to her with his arms open as I made my way out of the suite, but she didn’t budge.

  SERENA

  I sat in front of my computer trying to figure out this stupid algebra homework when I heard my phone ding. I had three more problems, whatever was on that phone could wait for at least fifteen more minutes. I knocked out another problem, thanking the heavens that it was right. My phone dinged again. It must be a group message. Keirsten, Trin and I had a group chat together in order to keep up with each other. That and our weekly skype chats. We were like a bunch of clingy girlfriends that couldn’t get enough of each other.

  I brushed off the notification. If it was important Trinity would burst into my room at some point, or Kay would call us.

  I finally got through the last two problems when my phone chirped three more times. I slid my desk chair over to my bed and picked up my phone. My heart sank into my stomach, and I felt like I was dying.

  “Oh shit.”

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: Why haven’t you been keeping in touch with me? I thought you were going to keep your number but it says it’s out of service.

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: It would be in your best interest if you accept my friend request. Being friends with me could make you look good. You’ve lost your mind with some of these pictures on here? And who’s that blonde boy with his arms around you in that one picture?

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: I really miss you. You’re my only daughter and I love you very much. I just want to keep in touch with you.

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: You’re blessed.

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: Make sure you’re keeping your legs closed. These men will try to take t
he only good left in you.

  SOPHIA RICHARDS: When are you coming home?

  I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to respond or if I should respond. Part of me wanted to respond so I didn’t feel like a terrible daughter. So maybe she could say nice things to me and tell me she cares about me. However, another part of me knew she wouldn’t care. Knew it was better to just cut her off completely, but good daughters didn’t do that, right? Most daughters had great mothers. Mothers I didn’t have.

  If I didn’t drop my phone and take a breather I’d start hyperventilating. I stood and knocked on Trinity’s door. “Trin. You in there?”

  “It’s open!”

  I walked my way in. Trinity was lying on her bed with a book on her lap. I sat by her feet and handed her my phone. She scanned it and her face filled with discuss and flashes of borderline hatred. “I think she’s lost her shit.”

  Her features softened as she handed me back the phone. I clutched it tightly, afraid to turn the screen on. “You okay?”

  I nodded. I would be okay even though I wasn’t at that moment. I was worried she was on her way here, and it would only take a matter of seconds before she came banging on my front door, breaking down my window, and dragging me out of the house.

  I would be okay.

  “You don’t have to answer her if you don’t want to,” Trinity said, picking up her book. “It’s completely up to you.”

  “I know.” I wasn’t planning on responding to her, but I didn’t have the heart to block her. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Baby steps.

  “I have an idea.” She sat her book down and got on her knees. “Since its fall break for us, we should go see Kay tomorrow. We already wasted Friday away.”

  “I don’t know.” I was perfectly fine with spending the break hiding in my bedroom with a nice book.

  “Come on.” She grabbed my arm. “I know you probably don’t want to see certain people right now, but Kay’s cousin has room for us to crash, and she’s fun to be around.”

  “I’ll be fine if I see him.” He didn’t do anything wrong, and I had been wanting to see him again ever since he left my kitchen. Visiting Kay would make me feel better anyway. “Besides, Tristan sent me a text earlier about coming over to talk to me about our potential friendship, and I’m positive he’ll show up.”

  “Ugh, I thought he was done talking to you.” I shook my hand and she shivered, sticking out her tongue. “We’re leaving early tomorrow, or I’ll have to stab him.”

  “Stop napping, hoe!” I jumped in my bed at the voice and groaned when I noticed Trinity standing with a duffle bag in her hand. “It’s time to go!”

  “Did you pack my stuff?” I rubbed my eyes and flung the covers off of me.

  “With as long as you take to get ready? Someone had to.”

  She threw the bag at me, and I almost fell catching it. “You’re not a morning person either though.”

  “That doesn’t matter. Let’s go.” She grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room. I was wearing red shorts and a white tank top. My hair was in two bear shaped buns. I probably looked like a twelve year old.

  “I can’t go outside looking like this!” Trinity dragged me out the front door and was locking it. “I don’t even have shoes on.”

  “There’s flip flops in the car. You’ll be fine.” She threw my duffel in the back seat, and I sat in the passenger's seat with a large frown on my face.

  “I didn’t even brush my teeth.”

  She handed me a tiny bottle of mouthwash from her glove compartment. “Here.”

  “Why do you have this in here?” I opened the bottle and swished the liquid around in my mouth before spitting it out the window. She only smiled and pulled out of the driveway.

  BRANDON

  "Are these girls even here yet?" Keith and I were standing outside of Keirsten's cousin Henley's apartment, waiting for them to answer the door. It had been almost five minutes. It looked like the girls weren't back from whatever they decided to do, before we had to leave for the football game.

  "Ah, you beat us here!" Henley screamed from behind us. Her arms flailed around like on of those blow up machines you see outside of car dealerships. Trinity and Keirsten came stumbling after her with large grins on their faces.

  "Sup, bro." Trinity patted my shoulder and then Keith's. "Hey Keith."

  "Hey Trin."

  Henley leaned over the balcony. "You coming or what?"

  I heard the sound of a slamming trunk and Serena appears. She had on short red shorts, a white tank, and a duffel bag over her shoulders. She had her phone to her ears. Her brows knitted together and her lips were shut so tight, they almost looked glued together. She moved her way towards the staircase stopping every now and then to let out an angry sigh.

  "Her mom found her profile and used the app to call her," Trinity whispered. The others were already inside, and it was just us standing there, watching Serena. "I'm gonna go in. You coming?"

  "I'll wait."

  "Okay." I wanted to make sure she was okay. Be there if she needed someone to talk to. If she needed support. I couldn't understand why she didn't just block her. Her mother seemed to play this game of push and pull, and Serena looked exhausted on the phone.

  She finally made it over to me and leaned on the balcony beside me.

  "Mom, I've gotta go." She pulled the phone away from her, and I could hear her mom yelling about her life not being important enough to stop talking to her mother. Serena hangs up and turns off her phone.

  "You could block her, you know."

  She stretched her arms out over the railing and put her head down. "I know." She lifted her head and put her hands together. "There's just this stupid part of me that hopes she'll go back to her old self. I know she won't, but I can't help wishing she would.”

  “I don’t think that’s stupid. I think it’s normal,” I said. “Why wouldn’t you want your mother to actually love you?”

  “And then you realize she doesn’t, and you think it’s your fault.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Yeah. That’s what I have to tell myself.” She turned around and leaned her back against the rails. She sucked in air, long and slow before letting it pour out. “These five months away from home have been a lot of work. I’m pretty sure this’ll take a while.”

  “I bet.” I wondered if she was ever this vulnerable around my sister and Keirsten. She didn’t seem afraid to be vulnerable. What people would normally see as a weakness, she made a strength. “But I know you’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah.” She gave me a small smile. “We should get inside. I haven’t been able to change since I got here.”

  “I don’t know.” I rubbed my chin and squinted my eyes at her. “I think the pajama look works for you.”

  She blushed and began walking past me. “Shut up. I look like an awkward teddy bear.”

  24

  Brandon

  I circled my fingers around the belt loops of Serena’s jeans, pulling her so close that nothing could fit in between us. Her hands were on my chest and her lips parted into a sweet smile only meant for me. I felt everything in me explode when she leaned her head against my chest. A loud knock sounded around us. We looked around and I heard her call my name, but her mouth didn’t move.

  “Brandon?” Serena disappeared into a cloud of smoke. I blinked and I was in my room.

  I rolled over and placed my pillow over my head. I hated being woken when I didn't need to be, especially when I was having a good dream. The knock came again, and I made up in my mind to kill the person. It was the weekend, and I wanted to sleep. My friends knew not to wake me.

  “Brandon?” Dammit. It was Serena and no matter how angry I was at being awake, she had this ability to make my name sound like good ass music you’d pay front row seats for. I heard the knob on my door twist. Light snickers and a quiet “good luck” passed behind the door.

  I rolled out of bed and crawled towards my door, pulling at the knob a
nd she squealed. She tumbled into the room, catching herself on all fours. Fear and worry creased her face as she sat on her knees and smoothed her skirt. I moved swiftly in front of her and she yelped.

  “What are you doing in here?” A bright red color paints her cheeks as I speak. Her breath stuttered. I was affecting her with just the sound of my voice, and it felt good. It took everything in me not to grin. I wanted to be serious. She was so fucking cute and that skirt of hers, sexy. “You’ve interrupted something very important to me.”

  “I-I think you let me in.”

  “But you didn’t leave.” I crawled towards her. She swallowed hard, and I stopped when our faces were leveled with each other. Her eyes never left mine and her cheeks reddened. “What do you want?”

  Her voice was quiet and she spoke fast. “Our friends want to go somewhere, and they told me to wake you up.”

  “They asked or did you volunteer?”

  “I…um.” She looked from my lips to my arms. My skin ignited where her eyes touched. She lost her words, taking in every part of me instead. I grabbed her waist, pulling her towards me. Her brown eyes filled with surprise as her hands landed on my chest. I hovered my lips over hers, drawing circles on her back. Touching her woke me up faster than a cup of strong coffee. She was intoxicating. She was wonderful. She smelled and felt good. I was going out of my fucking mind. These months without her sucked. I wanted her then and still wanted her. I knew by the droop in her eyelids and the small part of her lips that she still wanted me. “You’re in a lot of trouble, Serena.”

  “Brandon?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Are you trying to seduce me?”

  I moved my lips against hers and grinned at the small sigh she released. “Do you want me to?”

  “Maybe.” I buried my fingers into her hair and grazed the side of her neck with my lips. I was trying to keep my cool. Trying to keep her from noticing my racing heart, but then a soft whimper fell from her lips, and I almost died. Holy shit. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to throw her on my bed.