Yes, let’s pick a night, I texted. I shuddered in pleasure just thinking about it.
You two are becoming very special to me, texted Mel. I love being with you. You make me feel good. Thank you for including me in your group.
Amelia and I decided to keep the thing between us a secret for now. Is that okay with you? I asked.
Sure. I’m down with that. It’s our thing anyway. We don’t need to invite people into our thing.
So it sounded like we were all on the same page.
Good night, loves, texted Amelia. I need my beauty sleep.
Don’t get too much, Ames. You’ll be too pretty to want to mess with me anymore.
Sure, she responded. I’ll sleep just enough to keep the pretty on.
The texts stopped, and Amelia and I said good night.
I couldn’t wait to see them soon.
Chapter Eleven
Amelia
I KNEW Raine thought I was pretty. Maybe even Mel did too. But that next morning when I looked in the mirror, all I could see were my flaws. I pinched the fat at my stomach and shook my head. I couldn’t go see them like this.
I didn’t even wait for the check-in. I knew what it would show. Somehow, even though I’d been as careful as I could possibly be, I’d gained weight again. The small slice of pizza had settled in and would plague me for days.
The tile was cold as I knelt on it and looked at my toilet. The ipecac was easily within reach, and I downed some. More than some, actually, but I didn’t pay attention. I needed to lose the weight. I needed to look good. I couldn’t go to school looking like this. I couldn’t show my face like I was now. It was so embarrassing, and I felt like such a freak with all this extra fat on me.
Once I’d puked up everything possible, I sat there and wiped my mouth off. The pizza tasted so much worse coming back up than it had going down. It was time for my shower, but as soon as I started to get up, I got light-headed and had to sit right back down again. I hated this. I tried so hard, and I barely ate. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t skinny enough.
After a few minutes, I was able to get up and push myself into the shower. The hot water helped some, but my stomach twisted, and I still felt weak as I stood there trying to get clean. By the time I had washed the conditioner out of my hair, my hands shook as I held long strands of loose hair in my fingers.
I stumbled out of the shower and had to grab for the wall before I fell down. I had so much to do at school, but there was no way that was going to happen. Not when I couldn’t even stand. I slid back into bed and groaned as I started to feel sick again. It wasn’t the kind of sick I got when I had food poisoning. This was the acrid taste of stomach acid building in my throat and the hard knot of my stomach climbing into my chest. I whimpered and pulled the blanket up around me.
It wasn’t long before my mom came to check on me. I felt like crap and even more so when she shook her head and looked disappointed in me. “What are the other cheerleaders going to think if you lay here in bed all day? Now come on, get up, you can’t be late for school.”
“I can’t go to school. I don’t feel well,” I whined. I didn’t even have the strength to get dressed, let alone go to school. I didn’t feel good. I was sick, and I wanted to stay home.
My mom put her hand against my forehead, checking me for a fever. Then she shook her head. “You don’t have a fever, so get up. You’ve got five minutes and not nearly enough time for breakfast.”
That was fine since I couldn’t have kept anything down anyway. It seemed like I didn’t have a choice, so I went slow as I got dressed. I was dizzy and sometimes I could barely keep myself upright, but I managed to get dressed. I was late, though, and there was no way around that. By the time I left the house, Raine would have already been at school, and I had six missed texts from her, all asking me where I was since I hadn’t been at the usual spot where she picked me up.
Ran late this morning. Be there ASAP, I texted back. I hadn’t wanted to go at all, but I was stuck plodding down the road and trying to get to my classes. I barely got to school by the time the bell for first class rang, but I still wasn’t feeling great. I wasn’t going to be in any shape for class, so I headed to the nurse’s office. Since my mom wouldn’t let me stay home, then maybe the nurse would let me lie down for a little bit, or maybe she’d order me to go home.
I sat down in one of the super uncomfortable plastic chairs and waited for her to get done with whoever she was talking to behind the closed curtain in front of me.
I’m at the nurse, I texted Raine, not feeling great. Hoping to get sent home.
Her reply was instant, even though she should have been in class. What’s wrong?
Lots, but that didn’t explain why I was missing first period. Feeling dizzy. Did you get here late too?
I heard her coming down the hall. I knew her walk anywhere, that soft, confident thud of her sneakers on the linoleum floor. I got up and left the nurse’s station so I could say hi to her. I hadn’t expected Mel to be with her too, but I wasn’t upset about that at all. Raine hugged me first and then Mel. The way they were smiling at each other and the way they kept touching each other’s hands told me that being late hadn’t been on their minds that morning. I was bummed that I’d been sick and missed out on some alone time with them.
“We looked for you,” Mel said.
I nodded. “Sorry. I was running late.”
Raine looked between us, as if something might have been wrong, but there definitely wasn’t anything for her to worry about. It didn’t occur to me to be jealous. I was okay with them kissing on their own. If I hadn’t been sick, I could have kissed them both too, instead of having to come in by myself and be all miserable about it.
Raine got a little closer to me and then wrapped her arm around my waist. The closeness felt so good when I felt so bad. I leaned into her. “You don’t look so good,” she said, tightening her hold on me and pushing my hair behind my ear. I almost moaned at the gentleness of her touch.
“That’s why I’m at the nurse’s office. I think I’ve got the flu or something. I didn’t feel like coming here today, except to see you two. But my mom wouldn’t let me stay home. I was hoping the nurse would tell me to take off.”
Mel shook her head. “What’s really going on? Is there something you’re not telling us? You seem to be fading these past few weeks.”
“Nothing’s going on,” I snapped, which I hadn’t meant to do. Raine stiffened up a little. She stepped self-consciously away from me, and I hated that even more than how I’d treated Mel. I missed her warmth next to me and wanted to cry. “Sorry,” I told them.
Neither of them looked convinced.
A guy I vaguely recognized from seeing him in the halls, probably a freshman, emerged from behind the drawn curtain and slipped by us. And a minute later, the nurse’s head appeared around the curtain.
“I gotta go,” I said, giving Mel and Raine a look that I hoped supported my apology for being so defensive just a minute ago. They both reached out to touch my arm as I turned toward the nurse.
“Let us know how it goes,” Raine said.
I nodded over my shoulder as I opened the curtain.
The nurse washed her hands at the sink next. I sat down on another hard-plastic chair next to a cot I longed to lie down on.
“What can I help you with?” the nurse asked, drying her hands and looking at the tablet on the counter. “Amelia?”
“Yeah. I don’t feel well. I was wondering if I could lie down for a little while,” I sighed. What is it about school nurses’ offices that make you feel like a whiney little kid?
She lifted her eyebrows at me. She seemed to be thinking, school has barely started this year and already you’re trying to get out of class. But she only said, “Okay, then. What are your symptoms?” Why did adults immediately think you’re faking it? It wasn’t like I was a regular there. Plus, I hadn’t missed a day of school since sophomore year when I got strep throat.
&
nbsp; Staring at the tiled floor, I counted symptoms off on my fingers. “Feeling weak, I’ve got no energy, and my stomach hurts.” I’d almost said that I’d thrown up that morning, but that was on purpose, so I didn’t go there.
“You also barely eat, and your hair is falling out,” Raine added quietly. I hadn’t heard her pull the curtain back. I looked up, and she and Mel were standing there.
I shot her a look. I ate all the time. Maybe not as much as they did, but they didn’t have to stay as skinny as I did either.
The nurse no longer looked like I was making this up. She had a pen in her hand and she twirled it as she pursed her lips.
“Who are you?” she asked Raine.
“We’re her friends,” Mel supplied when Raine gave me an apologetic look. It was hard to be mad at her, but I was annoyed they were getting into my business.
“We’re worried about you, Ames,” said Raine.
“How’s your appetite?” the nurse asked me.
That had nothing to do with anything. “I’m fine. What I eat or how much or how often or anything else, really isn’t the issue here. I don’t feel good, and I want to go home.”
The nurse put down her pen. “I hear what you’re saying, but I’m going to call one of the school’s counselors first. I’d like you to talk to them for a bit before we do anything else. Is that okay with you?”
That would be such a waste of time. I got up and shook my head. “I don’t need to talk to anyone. I’m just tired, and I needed more sleep. It’s not a big deal. I’ll get through the day on my own.”
I barely glanced at Mel and Raine as I pushed the curtain away and left the nurse’s office. The bell had sounded, ending first period, and I headed toward my second-period class. I heard footsteps behind me, and Mel grabbed my arm. “Hey,” she said. “Raine and me, we’re worried about you. Why don’t you go talk to someone?”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything,” I snapped. I pulled my arm out of her hold and stormed away. Raine had had no right to say those things to the nurse, and I couldn’t see why no one believed that I had the flu and needed to go home. It seemed like I had no choice in the matter at all, which sucked so much.
Chapter Twelve
Mel
GETTING THROUGH school that day was painful. I kept wanting to go gather Amelia in my arms and tell her I was there for her and how everything was going to be okay if she would start eating and stop worrying about things. Raine and I made sure to walk her from class to class, even if one or both of us had to rush from the class we were in to get to her. She was moving like a ghost, hardly the girl we’d both kissed the day before.
At lunch Raine and I both glared at people who tried to sit with us while we did our best to get some kind of nutrition into Amelia.
“It’s just orange juice,” Raine said as she put a glass down in front of Amelia. “It’ll help. Trust me.”
Amelia pursed her lips. “My stomach’s too upset for something like that.”
“How about some bread?” I put the roll from my lunch in front of her. “It might help absorb some of the acid in your stomach and make you feel better.”
She curled her lip and shook her head. “No carbs. Jeez, Mel, don’t you know anything?” She started to get up, then sank back into her chair and put her head down on the table. “Can you two wake me in time for me to get to class? I can sleep through math too if Mel promises to help me with the homework tonight.”
I ran my hand through her hair and didn’t care if anyone saw me do it. Amelia was hurting. She was sick, and she needed us more than we needed to stay in the closet. “Of course I’ll help you with your homework. We can even work on it over at my house. Dad’s going to be late again tonight.”
Raine pouted slightly. “I wish I could be there, but Teddy has some kind of thing that Mom wants the whole family to go to so all I can do is drop you two off.”
“I really wish you could be there too.” I glanced over Amelia’s head and gave Raine a weak smile. Even after the evening we’d had the day before, things were sad, and I didn’t know what to do to make them better. I’d lost a friend back in Texas to an eating disorder, and I didn’t want to lose Amelia too. I’d just found her, and she was special.
“Me too,” Amelia mumbled but didn’t move.
Raine and I finished our lunch in silence as we continued to ignore people who tried to sit near us. I wanted to keep things quiet for Amelia, and I think Raine was having the same thought. If a little sleep would help Amelia, I was going to make sure she got it. The thing was, a good lunch would do her a lot more good than a nap.
“OKAY, SO are you ready for math homework?” I asked as I carried a couple cans of soda into the living room. “I figure that’s a good place to start.”
Amelia patted the couch next to her. Our bags were on the floor next to the coffee table. “Math homework can wait a little bit, don’t you think?” Amelia smiled shyly. “I’m still a little off since this morning, and I’d like to relax a little bit. Mom’s not expecting me home until dinner. We don’t have to rush today, do we?”
I set the cans on the coffee table, suddenly realizing what she was suggesting. I couldn’t believe my luck. This morning Raine and I had had a steamy make-out session before school that had actually made us late to class, which was a good thing since that had allowed us to meet up with Amelia when she went to the nurse.
“I guess we can put homework off for a little bit,” I responded, sitting down next to her on the couch.
When I put my arms around Amelia, she shuddered, and her lips were cold when I kissed them. I pulled back a bit. “Are you warm enough?”
She ran her hands over her arms. “What? Sure.” She pulled me close and her fingers were cold even through my shirt.
I broke our kiss fairly quickly and shook my head. “Let me go turn down the AC a bit.” I stood and hurried down the hall to the thermostat. I couldn’t remember Amelia being cold to the touch the day before, but then a lot of the day before was a blur of hands and lips.
Amelia’s frown had deepened when I got back to the couch. “Mel, do you think I could have water?” She pointed at the cans on the coffee table. “I can’t do soda. I don’t think my stomach could handle it.”
“Okay.” I turned and went into the kitchen. I’d been hoping she’d drink the soda. She needed calories and water wasn’t going to help her much.
When I brought the water to her, I sat close and wrapped my arms around her as she took a shallow drink. My chin rested on her shoulder. She looked at me and smiled as she took another drink. How could a girl make drinking water look so good? God, I wanted her to be healthy. I couldn’t bear to see her fade away. Suddenly, I was scared. How could the moment switch so quickly? Neither of us had said anything to make it happen.
“How long have you had an eating disorder?” I whispered. Raine and I had been dancing around the subject with her for several days, and I just couldn’t do that anymore. I felt like I had to take the bull by the horns and ask her. Raine probably wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure Raine had any experience with people with eating issues.
Amelia lowered the water glass and pulled away. She stared at me. “What are you talking about?”
I touched her arm. “Amelia, anyone who has eyes can see that you’re not healthy.”
“I’m fine.” She jerked away. “It’s the flu. You guys are totally overreacting. I thought you liked me. Am I that hideous?”
“I do like you, a lot. You’re far from hideous.” I reached for her, hoping to pull her into a hug and get her to listen.
Amelia surged to her feet, putting the coffee table between us. She looked so small hugging herself. I ached to still be holding her. “But you don’t think I’m pretty.”
I wanted to go after her, close the few feet separating us, but she was starting to look like a trapped animal. I didn’t want to make things worse by not giving her some space. “I think you’re stunning. That’s not the problem here.” God,
why were some girls so brainwashed to think that their looks were the only redeeming quality they had. I wanted to tell her that her kindness, humor, and personality were what attracted me to her. But then again, I’d acted like her being a cheerleader was a turn-on to me. I cringed inside to think that I was as much the problem as everything else.
My guilt was pushed aside when she frowned, closed her eyes, and swayed slightly. It looked like she might faint. She was so weak standing there. “If you think there’s a problem, then you think I’m ugly. All I want is to be thin and pretty.” She sounded like a five-year-old. It was pathetic and endearing at the same time.
In my heightened concern, I almost laughed. I always laughed in the worst situations. But I knew laughing would make things a thousand times worse. “I don’t think being too thin is pretty.” She glanced at me and looked like she was going to cry. I reevaluated my approach. She needed encouragement, not me commenting on her looks. I could have smacked myself. “You’re beautiful, Amelia. Truly. But do you only like me for my looks?” I tried a different tactic. “How about Raine?”
“You’re both gorgeous. Prettier than me. I wish I could pull off the short hair like you. Raine does too, but I think I would die if Raine ever cut her hair. I love her long dreads.” She stopped hugging herself and put her hands in her pockets. Her jeans were loose enough they slid down slightly before she jerked them back up.
“Me too. I love your hair too.” I ached to touch her and make her feel how much I liked her, but she hadn’t relaxed enough. I wanted to tell her that her hair wouldn’t look nice for much longer if things kept up like they were. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk her feeling worse about herself. It seemed to be on her mind. Amelia came back and sat down next to me. I wanted to hug her, but I simply rested my fingertips on her hand that lay between us on the couch cushion. I was afraid she’d get up and leave at any time.
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