Fatshionista

by Vanessa McKnight

  I had only traded emails with Daniel since our last meeting. They were always business-related, but he never failed to slide a little something personal in to it, something to make me laugh or an anecdote about something that happened back home. His family was planning to come out here for the show, and this was the biggest thing to happen to them since his sister’s wedding last year, so he was keeping me up to date on all that drama.

  I couldn’t wrap my head around what was actually happening with us. The working part of my brain clearly identified that this was a gay man and he would not be interested in having a romantic or purely hot sexual relationship with me. But getting that message from my brain to my body was proving impossible. I almost asked my cab driver to let me sit up front this morning because he wore the same cologne as Daniel and had the same café au lait skin tone.

  Thankfully I kept my mouth shut and listened to him tell me about his four kids that were back in India. I closed my eyes and listened to him speak. It was only halfway there that he realized he was speaking in Hindi and apologized and switched to English. I said back to him in Hindi, “No problem, Uncle, I understood every word.”

  He turned full around and stared at me and almost caused us to rear-end the stopped traffic at the light. It never ceased to amaze me how shocked Indians were when a white person spoke Hindi. One of my friends in India described it by saying that a white person speaking Hindi was like a horse talking to you. Ever since then I had always felt a strange affinity with Mr. Ed when I amazed an Indian with my language skills. I wondered what Daniel would do if I started speaking Hindi to him? I wondered if he spoke Hindi. It was surprising how many Indians didn’t. Many of them could understand it, but they couldn’t speak it, which I always thought was bizarre.

  Thankfully the office was fairly quiet when I got there. Scarlett was in California drumming up new business and had gone as far as pitching the creation of a satellite office in LA. My hunch was she wanted to move there and was looking to create a job to move into, not for the money, but to be able to say she was a fashion producer. LA was all about the name dropping and the elbow rubbing, and our company’s name at the top of her business card would go a long way toward establishing street cred.

  I stopped in the break room and poured myself a cup of ambition (I normally had the theme song from 9 to 5 in my head at least one morning a week). Unfortunately my ambition leaked out of my plastic to-go cup and dribbled down the front of my camel-colored sweater set. I had been dabbling in some vintage clothing of late—no undergarments, just a few sweater sets and shifts. I even had a vintage sweater clip holding it together. Now it would be tossed in a drawer since I had to button the sweater to hide the coffee spillage.

  I was still mopping off my chest when I walked into my office and ran face first into a sandalwood-scented chest. For a moment I just wanted to stand there and breathe it all in, fill my lungs with that spicy scent that was unique to this one man. But then I realized I looked like I was massaging my breasts with my napkin, as the coffee stain had almost disappeared.

  I sighed, destined to have yet another embarrassing spill conversation. I plastered a smile on my face and looked up from my chest but froze when I saw where he was looking. Daniel was staring at my breasts. And not staring in that wow-there-was-something-on-those-things kind of way, but in the yes-that-was-what-I-wanted-to-have-for-breakfast kind of way.

  In an instant I had gone from hapless klutz to a tingling mass of nerves. His eyes finally met mine and I couldn’t look away. I felt him take the napkin out of my hand, the back of his hand brushing against my hardened nipple. He leaned in a closer. All I could think was, Yes, yes, you are cleared for landing, please for God’s sake plant one on me.

  “Millicent, Daniel called he said he wanted to see you first…oh, looks like he has already found you.” Lizzie paused for a moment in the door. Thankfully my back was to her, so she couldn’t see me blushing like a schoolgirl. Daniel stepped back and smiled at Lizzie, then took a seat in the spare chair.

  I turned toward Lizzie, “Yes, he was just helping me clean myself up. I had another battle with my coffee cup, and once again it was the victor.” Ahh, humor, my old friend. With you I could extricate myself from any awkward situation.

  “Well, at least you’re wearing something to compliment the stain instead of clashing with it!” And with that, Lizzie bounced back out of the office.

  I took my time rounding my desk, avoiding eye contact with Daniel while I buttoned up the cardigan.

  “You don’t need to cover yourself.” Well, that was something; maybe he was finally ready to admit that he liked staring at my ample bosom. “The stain has settled in and blends well with the camel; I don’t think anyone will even notice your chest.”

  And maybe not. How quickly this rollercoaster took me up and then down. I wanted to get off…the rollercoaster. I wanted to get off the rollercoaster, not get off…well, yeah.

  I took my seat behind my desk and tried to put as much room as possible between me and the rollercoaster. The gorgeous, sexy, sandalwood-scented rollercoaster.

  I was a little more focused with a nice solid piece of 1970s American construction between us. “So, what brings you to the office first thing in the morning?”

  Was he going to fire me? He had the grimmest look on his face. “I had dinner with one of your colleagues, and she had some rather interesting things to say. I wanted to come in today and discuss some of them with you and get your input. Do you mind if I close the door?”

  That couldn’t be good. I knew Scarlett had said TT made an appearance at their dinner. Surely that wasn’t what brought him here.

  “Sure, you can just reach behind you and push it closed—one of the benefits of having a tiny cubbyhole for an office.”

  He uncrossed his legs and stretched back over his shoulder to snag the door. The stretching created some pulling and tightening in the general area of his lap, and I admit it: I was mesmerized.

  Daniel cleared his throat and my eyes flew up to his face, his face that was now turned back toward me, staring at me staring at his crotch. The heat of my blush crawled up my chest and into my face. If TT’s comments didn’t send him running out of my office, I was sure my blatant ogling would.

  “Sorry, my mind was wandering.” Was it ever. “What can I help you with, Daniel?”

  “Scarlett asked me to dinner, and as she is a close friend of my sister’s, I felt it would be rude to refuse the invitation. Also, I recently learned she was at this company and that was where my sister, McKenzie, had received the recommendation. After I was told to look here, I did my research, and I feel confident that even without Scarlett’s connection, this is the company I would have selected.”

  “That’s good to hear.” Daniel shifted in his chair and picked imaginary lint from his dress pants. “Look, Daniel, if you have something to say, the easiest thing is to just blurt it out. I know we have only known each other for a short while and are still new in our working relationship, but please know that whatever you say to me, I will keep in confidence. Although Scarlett and I do work at the same company, it will not impact my ability to listen and, if need be, act on what you are going to say. So please, continue.”

  He finally looked up at me and paused for a moment. He sighed and said, “Scarlett spent most of the evening implying that you were only going to be working on my show for a limited amount of time and that she would become the primary contact for me, and for most other designers with whom you work, for that matter. I know we’ve only worked together for a short time, but I like you, Millie, and I wanted you to be aware that someone within your own organization seems to be targeting you.”

  Maybe I should have let loose with that ninja-style letter opener throw. Then the problem would be solved. Jail certainly might throw a wrench in my career, but it seemed easier to deal with than bull crap like this.

  “Daniel, I appreciate you sharing this with me. I have no intention of abandoning you or any of my
other clients, for that matter. Scarlett just recently joined our company and is certainly…well, I guess the polite word would be ‘ambitious.’ I don’t know where she’s getting her information from, but I assure you I stand behind everything I do, and if I start something I finish it. Unless you are unhappy with the work we’ve done so far, I think we can chalk this up to young ambition and continue to move forward with the planning of your show.” I couldn’t believe that after five years at this company I had to convince a client that I would be around to complete their show. Where the hell did Scarlett get off?

  Daniel held my gaze for what felt like hours. It was as if he were trying to see into me and find…something. I wanted to reach across the desk and grab his hands and assure him that I would always be there for him. Finally, he smiled and relaxed back into his chair.

  “I’m relieved to hear you say that, Millie, and I’m extremely pleased with the progress we’ve made so far. I think we see eye to eye on many things, and I think you have a true understanding of my aesthetic and what I’m trying to say as a designer. But you can understand my concern when only a few weeks into our professional relationship another colleague is implying that for whatever reason we will not be continuing our relationship.”

  I liked hearing the word “relationship.” Focus, Millie. I smiled back and agreed with everything he said. “Absolutely. I don’t start things without knowing that I’ll be the one to finish them, so no matter what happens, your show is my priority.”

  “Wonderful,” he said as he shifted forward and leaned his arms on my desk. “I almost hesitated to come and speak with you about this because it felt very gossipy. Scarlett has been a friend of our family for years, and I usually pay her no mind. I accepted her dinner invitation because of her position here at this company, not because of any personal affinity I have for her.”

  Good, so he didn’t like her either: That made me feel a little better. I still couldn’t believe she would run off at the mouth about me and assume it wouldn’t get back. I had a knack for finding out things, but thankfully this one fell into my lap.

  “Well, since you’re here, would you like to go over the mock-up I have for the show? I was going to call you this morning and see if you were free this afternoon, but if now works for you?” I really hadn’t planned on showing it to him this early, but I felt as if I needed to prove that I was the one who could give him what he wanted.

  “Brilliant. I would love to clear my mind of this gossip and focus on what you have for me.”

  I had any number of things planned for him. Hmmm. I pulled the design board out from behind my desk. I paused with it halfway in the air, still facing me.

  “You know, on second thought,” I said as I lowered the board back behind my desk, “I think instead of showing you the board, I want to take you somewhere. You up for that?”

  Daniel grinned and said, “Millie, my dear, after that painful conversation, I’m up for anything.”

  Oh, but if that were only true, I would take you and all your up parts home with me. Sigh. I plastered on my Suzy Sunshine smile and said, “Wonderful, let’s go!”

  ****

  “I had expected a museum or a boutique or maybe even the top of the Empire State Building. I have to say I’m completely at a loss for what we’re doing here.” Daniel had stopped dead in his tracks when we arrived at our destination.

  Even me sitting down on the brightly colored bench did nothing to assure him that we were in the right place. “Daniel, sit and let me explain.”

  “Yes, right. Please do; I cannot imagine what this particular location has to do with either fashion or my upcoming show. I’m all ears.”

  With the noise coming from all around us, he had to sit fairly close to me. I was instantly aware of his thigh next to mine and his scent mingling with the spring air. I used the excuse of leaning in so he could hear me to inch just a little closer to him. Pathetic, yes, but at this point, I had to give my body something to focus on so I could use my brain.

  “Tell me what you see when you look around.” I wanted to hear his impressions before giving him mine.

  “Chaos. Complete and utter chaos. Mayhem, destruction. Total, utter bedlam.”

  I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard I snorted, and then I couldn’t stop laughing about having snorted. I know I was continuing to impress him with all my ladylike skills, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. He did not seem amused.

  “I’m sorry; I’m not laughing at you.” I could barely get the words out between my chuckles.

  He raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow. “Really? It kind of feels like you are when immediately after I speak you’re overcome with laughter so powerful it comes out of your nose.”

  Nice to know he didn’t miss the snort. The man didn’t miss a thing.

  “I’m not laughing at you, Daniel. I find it amusing that when presented with what can only be described as a lovely children’s playground, you chose words more befitting a battlefield.”

  He continued to look around at the groups of children and the numerous pieces of traditional playground equipment with disdain. “I am not very comfortable with children or the noise and complete disregard for clean clothing they bring with them. Even now I’m in fear of one of them running up to us and planting a muddy hand on my pants.”

  “Oh, Daniel, lighten up; they couldn’t care less about you and me sitting here. They’re playing, they’re having fun, and they are in no way secretly planning an attack on your pants.” My body, on the other hand, had big plans for those pants.

  “Millie, you have thirty seconds to explain A, why you brought me here, and B, what in the world it has to do with my show.” He turned toward me and patiently waited for my explanation. I was struck every time by the beauty of those dark brown eyes. They were so much more interesting than the fake blue ones. The brown was like aged brandy, and I was getting drunk on the idea of seeing those eyes light up with passion the way they did in my dreams.

  I mentally shook myself out of my daydream and focused on his question. “I brought you here because I wanted you to experience the feeling of the playground. Most adults never go back to a playground after childhood unless it’s with their own children, and then you’re so busy parenting them that you lose the ability to take in the whole scene. Look around you, Daniel. The color of the equipment, the colors of the clothing, the myriad of skin tones and hair color. A playground is like a living, breathing rainbow, especially when it’s chilly and you add the jackets, hats, and gloves.”

  I was determined to show him the beauty within this chaos. “But more important than the colors is the feeling of joy. The mini life triumphs and disappointments, comedies and tragedies, that are played out in this little lot in the middle of this giant city. Look over there at the little blond girl with the Sikh boy. They’re working together to navigate the rope climb up to the slide.” The little girl was tugging and pulling the boy along with her, her blond hair in contrast to the black cloth covering his hair. Her sturdy little legs were slightly longer than his, and she was telling him where to put his feet.

  “She seems rather bossy to me,” he said, smiling. “I don’t know if he had any intention of climbing that when he got here; he looks as if he’s still unsure of this journey she has led him on.”

  “See? It begins on the playground, girls leading the merry chase, but I would also like to note that it’s just as possible that this was his brilliant idea but he overestimated his abilities and halfway up she had to take charge because she knew they were never going to make it if he kept himming and hawing.”

  “Himming and hawing? Is that another of your colloquial Southern sayings?” He had to stop turning those eyes to me; they were derailing my train of thought every time.

  “Hmmmm? Yes, that’s a Southern term.”

  I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. And I think he had moved closer since we started our conversation; I didn’t remember his lips being quite so close to mine when we st
arted this chat.

  “Millie?”

  “Hmmm?” was all I could manage.

  He leaned even closer. “What does this Petri dish of a playground have to do with my show?”

  Focus, Millie. “Yes, well, I want to capture this feeling of carefree fun in your show. When we looked at the samples, I was excited about the range of your color palette and I wanted to figure out a way to highlight it without it becoming a Benneton or Espirit ad. Anytime I’m faced with a lot of color in a collection, I’m reminded of their campaigns in the late eighties and early nineties; do you remember those?”

  “We really didn’t have too much of that in India, but I do recall some of their ads when I was in London. That isn’t the direction you’re taking my show, is it?”

  “No, that’s what I am saying: I never want to stray into that territory, but ’t it'is risky sometimes showing that much color in one collection. Usually there tends to be a more edited palette with various shades of the same color. Your collection is kind of all over the place when it comes to color, which I love, but we have to be strategic in how we present it.