by Faith Starr
“Come, walk me out.”
Suddenly, I felt so used. I got that he took me out to dinner with his band and his sister, but still. In my mind, he had gotten what he wanted and was now trying to make a speedy exit.
“You okay?” He tilted my chin up to meet his gaze.
No. I wasn’t okay. He could leave right now with no afterthought whereas I’d probably lie in bed all night with a heavy heart, wondering what the hell the two of us were doing.
I simply nodded because speaking my answer wouldn’t have sounded believable.
“Teva, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. It’s all good.” I held my hand up to assure him of my fib, no worries on my part whatsoever. I’d give my feelings permission to come to the surface after Joey left and not one second before.
“Great. I’ll give you a call in a few hours, then.” He smiled, leaned forward, and kissed my lips.
Behind him, I shut the door and locked it. My feet did an excellent job of getting me to my bedroom where I climbed under my covers, and cried myself to sleep. My concerns too much to deal with, sleep the only worthwhile escape from them.
20
Joey
Shit. I couldn’t breathe. Panic flooded me. I needed to regain control and focus. I was sitting behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, where concentration played a vital part. But my mind wasn’t where it should have been.
Teva wasn’t fine. I knew it as well as she did, and I felt like a complete ass for leaving her in that state. I’d basically bolted the minute we’d finished fucking. But when she called me amazing—it kind of flipped a switch and freaked me out. It had given me flashbacks of every fan girl I’d ever bedded. Except in this case I knew Teva’s words didn’t hold the same meaning or intention.
She was starting to develop real feelings for me. I could feel it in her touch. And her gaze? It scared the living hell out of me. I knew she tried to hide it, but she did a poor job of doing so. The worst part was, I considered her way too good of a person for me to hurt—and I knew that role all too well. Up until now, I rarely had any remorse or afterthought once I ditched a woman.
The fucked-up part was she had been correct when she’d said I’d reached out to her tonight and not vice versa. But in my defense, my original intentions of seeing her had had nothing to do with sex. Okay, truth be told, maybe a little. My cock was always on board for whatever action it received on behalf of Teva. For the most part, though, I felt comfortable around her. I could be myself with her without any judgment.
Trying to relieve some of the pent-up tension in my body, I squeezed the steering wheel. It didn’t help.
Once I arrived home, I closed my bedroom door so I wouldn’t wake Dani, and jumped behind my keyboard, the only thing I knew of that could calm me down. Thank God Dani was a deep sleeper. She’d gotten used to my playing late at night over the years.
I pulled my notebook out of my top dresser drawer and scanned over the lyrics I’d started writing on the tour bus.
Time doesn’t change things
They say with time we heal
I can’t say I agree with them
Because of how strongly I still feel
Whether it only lasted a minute
A split second of my time
The enormity is all-consuming
The dark shadow still follows close behind
I reached for a pencil off my nightstand and added more words.
It follows me around
It will not give me air
It’s sucking the life out of me
Its presence everywhere
If you think time can change things
If you think time can heal
If you think the memory’s forgotten
You don’t know me at all, the anger I still feel
To forgive and forget
Ain’t working out too well for me
A soul ripped in two
You took control of my destiny
Time doesn’t change things
They say with time we heal
I can’t say I agree with them
Because of how strongly I still feel
Sitting at my keyboard, I put notes to the words, toying around with a slow melody until a gentle knock on my door snapped me out of my trance. Dani opened it and peeked inside. “Hey.”
She looked tired. I hated that I had woken her with my playing.
“Hey.” I patted the space next to me for her to come and sit down.
“New song?” She spoke delicately, almost whispered. “You need to let some of it go, Joey.” She rubbed my back. I pulled away.
“Have you?” I wasn’t in the mood for one of her therapy sessions.
Her focus went south, and she frowned. “I’m trying. It’s a process.”
“Well, this is my idea of trying. We all have different methods of dealing with shit.”
She nodded, not pushing the topic further. “I thought you were at Teva’s?”
“I was. Now I’m home.” I continued to play the ivories in an attempt to make the melody sound more cohesive.
“What’s going on?” She hiked her knees up on the bed and wrapped her arms around them.
“Nothing.” I kept my focus on the black-and-white keys in front of me.
“Bullshit!”
Her tone startled me, causing me to screw up the song. She usually took more time to escalate.
“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong. Teva and I had a great time tonight, and then I bolted; my typical behavior. And here I am, in the middle of the night, trying to deal with the anger that keeps stopping me from moving forward.” Guess my mouth wanted a therapy session after all, even if my mind argued against it.
“Was she upset when you left?”
Hello? I gifted her with my best get-real expression.
Her disappointment in me was evident. I didn’t need her shit. I faced the keyboard and began to play.
“You’ll never find love if you don’t deal with this,” the oh-so-wise one explained.
I stopped, giving her my undivided attention. “And what about you? I don’t see you happily married with children.”
Fuck! I immediately regretted what I’d said. And worse, she had hurt written all over her beautiful face. I pulled her into my arms and hugged her. She buried her face against my chest and held me.
“I’m sorry.” I let out a deep breath to release my pent-up rage and rested my head on top of hers, lovingly stroking her hair.
“I know you are. I just want you to be happy, Joey.”
“And I want the same for you.”
She placed her hands on my chest and pushed against me. “You’re never going to be happy if you keep all that anger stuffed inside your heart.” She smoothed her hand over it.
“I know. But like you, I’m trying.” I couldn’t look her in the eye. I was too ashamed that I was still allowing old shit to hold me captive.
“If you’re interested in this girl, give it a chance.”
“Hey, I’m the older sibling. I’m the one who’s supposed to give the advice.”
She held up two fingers. “That’s all the ‘older’ than me you are.” She hugged her knees again. “You guys seemed to get along so well at dinner. It thrilled me to see you let loose and be yourself with a woman. I can’t remember seeing you smile so much at one time other than when you’re performing or in the studio. I think it’s because of Teva. Please say you’ll try with her. We have a few weeks at home while you guys are on break. That gives you plenty of time to get to know her better and see if the relationship is something you want to pursue.”
“Go back to bed. You look tired.” I shooed her away. “I’m going to finish working on this song.”
“Joey?” She refused to budge.
“Fine. I’ll think about it. Now go.” I waved her off.
Dani and her desire for in-depth conversations about feelings all the time drove me nuts.
She obliged and closed the door behi
nd her. I continued to play.
Before I knew it, the sun had begun to rise. I had pulled an all-nighter. I hadn’t moved, still sitting at my keyboard, working on the song. I closed my eyes and yawned. I needed to get some shut-eye before heading to the studio.
I climbed under the covers and fell fast asleep until the alarm I set on my phone woke me.
Five hours had passed. It felt like only minutes. Guess five hours would have to suffice for now.
My shower did a splendid job of waking me up. I dressed, then checked to see if the guys had left me a message about our meet up at the studio. Once I had the time locked down, I reached out to Teva via text to let her know the plans for the afternoon. She didn’t respond. I figured I’d try again in a bit. I went to the kitchen for something to eat.
While enjoying a PB&J sandwich at the bar portion of the kitchen counter, my phone signaled an incoming text. My heart skipped a beat, hoping it was Teva. A surge of disappointment ripped through me when Logan’s name appeared instead.
Logan: Studio time has been moved up. We’re starting at two-thirty. I gave Trevor a heads-up.
Joey: K. See you then.
I shot Teva another text to let her know about the time change.
Keys jiggled outside the front door. It opened and Dani entered, carrying several bags of groceries. I rushed over to help her. “You know we have a cart. Why don’t you use it?”
I carried the packages into the kitchen and set them on the counter.
She shrugged, followed me, and set her bags down. “I never remember to bring it with me.”
“Leave it in the trunk of your car. Then you’ll always have it with you.” I began unpacking the cold stuff first. “Oh, Logan texted me. We’re meeting at the studio at two-thirty.”
Dani checked her phone. “That’s so soon. I wanted to do some cleaning first.”
“I don’t understand why you insist on cleaning this place all by yourself. We can easily afford to hire someone to do it for us.”
“I know.” She reached for the yogurts I hadn’t gotten to yet and put them in the fridge. “I feel everything’s done for us all the time when we’re on the road, so when we’re home, I prefer to do things myself. It helps keep me humble and domesticated.”
She folded the empty bag and placed it inside an open bag, one in which she’d stick all the other empty ones.
“I get it, but there’s a lot of things you can do yourself. Having help to clean this place doesn’t have to be one of them. This apartment’s huge.”
“I know. Right now, I don’t mind. If it becomes an issue, I’ll hire someone. It feels kind of good to do household chores.”
“Okay. It’s up to you. I’m cool with whatever makes you happy.” I didn’t understand her logic.
My poor sister. I knew she desperately wanted the whole marriage-and-kids thing. Not an easy task when we were constantly on the road. Also not easy when she lacked trust in any man other than me, Logan, and Trevor. My heart hurt for her.
“Should I prepare something for dinner, or do you think we’ll grab something to eat after the studio?”
“I’m not sure if the guys have anything planned, but we can pick something up later if we’re hungry. I invited Teva to come watch us record. She hasn’t responded to my text yet, so I’m not sure if she’ll show.”
I waited to see Dani’s reaction. She merely poured herself a glass of iced tea. I wanted her to boost my confidence. Pouring tea didn’t cut it.
“Maybe she didn’t see it.”
Good. Now she’s talking.
I followed her into the laundry room, where she began gathering cleaning supplies.
“Or maybe she’s pissed at you for how you left her last night.”
She dumped a handful of rags into a bucket. I continued to follow her around like a puppy, wanting to hear more about the Teva situation.
She sprayed earth-friendly cleaner on a cloth and dusted the glass coffee table.
“You won’t know until you speak with her. Why don’t you put on your big-boy pants and call her?” She flashed me a sassy smile to go along with her obnoxious comment. She always did say the right thing to me, though, her final comment hitting the nail on the head.
“Fine. I’ll call her.”
“Good luck. Let me know how it goes.”
She continued wiping the glass. I didn’t get all the hard work she put into cleaning it, because as soon as the guys came over, the tabletop would be covered in smudge marks again.
I went to my room for some privacy. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and paced back and forth before dialing Teva’s number. The call went straight to voice mail. What the fuck was going on?
Back in the living room, Dani had moved onto the electronic equipment.
“She didn’t answer her phone. Do you have any other brilliant suggestions?”
I wanted the word rejection permanently banned from my vocabulary. The word sucked. Its meaning did too.
This situation with Teva was starting to royally piss me off. I relished control. In this circumstance, I felt a complete lack of it.
Dani placed her hand on her hip, the rag dangling. “Joey, for heaven’s sake, you’re a grown man. You have two choices. One, you can stop by her place before going to the studio to make sure everything’s all right, or two, you can go to the studio and pray she shows up or gets back to you. I don’t think you have the patience for option two. Am I correct?”
“I’ll see you at the studio.” I grabbed my keys off the counter and headed straight for the front door, without answering her question.
A part of me wanted to tell Teva to fuck off. I didn’t have time to chase after a woman. The other part of me felt like an ass. I didn’t blame her for not answering my call. Usually I didn’t give two shits about whether a girl answered or called me back. But as I kept saying, something about Teva was different.
Either way, I wasn’t about to bow down and kiss her ass or beg for forgiveness. So to make a point and prove Dani wrong, I chose option two. I made a nonstop trip to the studio. Of course I wasn’t in the best of moods when I got there, but oftentimes that made for better music on my part. It gave it an edge, made the lyrics sound that much more believable and true to life. Which in my case, they generally were.
21
Teva
So much for sleeping in on my day off. The throbbing in my arm woke me up along with the ringing of my phone.
I should’ve left the bottle of Tylenol on the nightstand next to my bed. Now I’d have to drag my tired butt to the kitchen to get some. But first, I had to attend to my nagging phone.
Damn, work called. Why didn’t I check the caller ID prior to answering?
My supervisor wanted to see if I would come in, since one of the other nurses called in sick.
What a huge dilemma I faced. Part of me, the bigger part, wanted to go to the studio to watch Joey, Trevor, and Logan record music, even though Joey had made me feel somewhat cheap last night. Something we needed to talk about. If he wanted to continue to see me, I deserved more respect than him rushing off after sex. As much as I enjoyed his company, I also had a healthy dose of self-worth and deserved, no, expected, to be treated as such. The other part of me felt guilty because my supervisor sounded desperate.
Decision made.
Grunting in frustration, I climbed out of bed. I went to the kitchen for the acetaminophen before getting dressed for work. Lily was pulling a protein bar out of a box when I entered.
“Why’re you up so early? I thought you had the day off.” She ripped the foil wrapper off the bar and took a bite.
“So did I. Colleen called and asked if I’d come in. They’re short on staff.”
Her brow knitted, and she swallowed her bite. “You should know better than to answer your phone early in the morning on your day off.”
“Whatever. It’s extra money.”
She didn’t have to know Joey had asked me to come to the studio to watch him and the othe
r guys play and record. And I certainly wasn’t in the mood for an earful, being my head had enough thoughts floating around inside it. I also didn’t want to hear her beg me to let her tag along so she could watch Trevor in action with his drums. Lily would have no issue calling in sick to do so if given that opportunity.
“In that case, do you want to drive in together, since we’re both headed to the same place?” She poured coffee into her tumbler.
“Sure. Let me go get dressed. I’ll only be a few.”
I got the coffee machine going with a pod for myself while she disappeared to her bedroom. I also took the needed analgesics for my arm.
A shower later, dressed in scrubs, I retrieved my coffee.
Lily bounced into the room. “Ready to head out?” She slung her purse over her shoulder and shoved the last bite of her protein bar into her mouth.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
She locked the front door.
I felt lethargic, not in the mood to do anything today. Maybe I should have told work I wasn’t feeling well.
“How’s your arm?” She hit the elevator button.
“It’s aching, but once the Tylenol kicks in, I’m sure it will feel better.”
“I hope so. I’ll drive.”
Inside her car, she adjusted the air-conditioning, pointing all the vents in her direction. “I don’t know why you agreed to go in today, especially when you got hurt yesterday.”
“It’s fine, Lily.” I hated to sound so testy, but I also hated being questioned about my job. Especially today. The truth was I’d only agreed to fill in for the sick nurse because I wanted to avoid seeing Joey. I felt confused about his intentions. Things were moving way too fast for my comfort level. We’d only known each other for about a week.
Fortunately, work turned out to be a good distraction from my feelings. I got lost in the day’s events, only sitting down once for a timeout during my lunch break. That was when I realized I had forgotten to text Joey about being called into work and not being able to go to the studio to watch him. How horrible of me to be so disrespectful. He probably thought I had intentionally blown him off. I hadn’t.