by Faith Starr
Great. Now my entire body was riddled with tension.
I took a hurried shower and dressed in joggers and a T-shirt. I didn’t want to waste any more time.
Butterflies had a field day inside my stomach while I drove to the house I’d grown up in. I loathed the place. Every time I went there bile rose in my throat. I didn’t understand how she could still live in a house that held so many horrible memories. I rarely went. We usually met at my apartment or at restaurants when we had our get-togethers.
The closer I got to the house, the more anxious I became. I kept wiping the sweat off my palms onto my joggers.
I cranked up the A/C, but even that didn’t cool me off. My nerves were completely fried by the time I pulled into the driveway.
I did a few deep-breathing exercises to bring myself down. It baffled me that all these years later merely being in close proximity to the two-story structure in front of me still brought about a slew of physical reactions from my body as if the “incident” had happened only minutes ago. Add in the anticipation of whatever it was she wanted to discuss and I was a total basket case.
My mother came outside to greet me when I stepped out of my car. I hated to admit she’d seen better days. Her demeanor gave off a somewhat down-in-the-dumps kind of vibe. Kind of similar to how I felt walking toward her.
It must’ve been a full moon because everyone around me seemed to have issues to deal with. I had a strong feeling mine were about to multiply.
“You look great.” She greeted me with open arms.
I hugged her back.
“What’s going on, Mom?” I didn’t have time to bullshit around. Something was wrong, and I wanted the 411 on it.
“Why don’t we go inside?”
She didn’t wait for me to answer. She went inside the house and into the living room where she sat on the sofa. I followed her but stopped to drop my purse on the small table in the foyer first. I sat on the loveseat facing her.
“Okay, we’re inside now. Will you please tell me what’s going on?” I tapped my foot on the area rug beneath it.
“I have something I want to get off my chest and share with you.” She focused on her hands folded on her lap. She wouldn’t make any eye contact with me whatsoever, which put me on more edge than I had been during my drive and before I entered the house.
“And?” I stuck my hand out in question because a little elaboration would have been a good thing about now rather than the procrastination efforts taking place. I hated acting so bitchy, but she loved to drag things out instead of getting to the point. It infuriated me.
“This is extremely difficult for me to say.”
Why won’t she look at me?
My knees joined in with my feet, my entire lower half bouncing up and down with nervous energy. I had a gut feeling whatever she wanted to reveal would be a doozy.
I took a deep breath and scrunched the bottom of my T-shirt in an effort to brace myself for the upcoming doom and gloom.
“I’m listening.” I grew impatient. I didn’t want to play client/therapist with my mother. I wouldn’t fish for information either. She was the one who had extended the invite. She needed to woman up and start talking.
“It’s about your father.” She tightened up.
My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. My father had died years ago. What could she possibly want to tell me about him?
I stared at her, waiting for her to continue. She still wouldn’t make eye contact.
“Mom, what is it?”
She took a deep breath.
“You’re killing me over here. Please tell me what it is you have to say.” I spoke sternly this time. She still wouldn’t pay me any mind. “Mother!”
“Edgar and I have been together for longer than you think,” she blurted out, crossing, then uncrossing her legs. She peeked up at me.
So? I studied her, not understanding her point. She and Edgar had been dating for years. Though he was no substitute for my father, he was a decent guy who treated my mom with respect. I had no issues with him whatsoever. He understood he’d never replace my dad and had never tried to. The two of us got along great. His two daughters, on the other hand, were another issue altogether. They were spoiled brats who I wanted nothing to do with. But they were grown and lived out of state, so I didn’t have to deal with them any longer.
“I don’t see the problem.” I shrugged. My feet and knees stilled. My nerves subsided. Relief settled in. I didn’t get why she had dragged me over to her house to tell me something I already knew.
Oddly, she began tapping and bouncing her feet against the floor, her eyes darting back and forth between me and her clasped hands.
“Mom, is there more to the story? First you said you wanted to talk about Dad, and then you jumped ahead and spoke about Edgar.” I had no frickin’ clue where she wanted to go with this conversation, but my patience had begun to wear thin.
“Do you want some tea or should we eat the dinner I prepared?” She finally gave me full eye contact.
She had clearly lost her mind.
“No. I don’t want anything. What I want is for you to tell me why I’m sitting here right now. You told me you have something you want to get off your chest, so spill it.” My tolerance had left the building. My dissipating nerves had shifted gears. Anger now fueled me.
She took a deep breath and blinked a few times. She took in the area rug, bypassing her hands which were now clenched into balls on her lap.
Ugh! “If you don’t tell me, I’m leaving.” I went to rise. She put her hand up to stop me. I hesitantly sat back down. I’d had enough of these games. I’d give her one more opportunity to spill the beans. If she didn’t, I was out.
“Edgar and I were together before your father passed.” The words hung on to each other in a mumbled mess.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard right.”
I hoped she could see my disgust. If I clamped my jaw any tighter, I’d get lockjaw. My heart couldn’t hold any more emotions before exploding.
She cheated on my father? How could she do that to him? To me? He worshiped the ground she walked on.
“Why are you telling me this now? You obviously kept the secret from me for half my life, so why tell me now?” My heart beat so fast I couldn’t sit still. I stood and paced back and forth in front of the loveseat. I felt it imperative to speak on both mine and my father’s behalf, since he wasn’t here to defend himself.
“Because we’re only as sick as our secrets.”
Oh for Heaven’s sake. She’s pulling that card now, after all these years have passed?
Fuck that. And fuck her.
“I’ve been trying to forgive myself for years for betraying both his trust and yours.”
Her eyes flickered in my direction, then back down to the rug I was currently burning a hole in with my back-and-forth movements. Her poor-me expression wouldn’t work.
“And have you?” Not that I gave a shit. The woman had just put a dagger in my heart.
“I realized that in order to truly come to terms with what I did, I had to tell you.”
Good for her. Glad she got it off her chest.
I stormed to the foyer and retrieved my purse. She followed closely behind. I spun around to face her. “I have one question for you.” Her eyes met mine. “Did Dad know?”
Her eyes teared up. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. I wasn’t about to hand her a tissue from my bag.
She hesitated, closing her eyes. She finally nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks.
The room started to spin, my legs felt weak, and I became lightheaded. I pinched my brow, taking slow deep breaths to try and steady myself.
This nightmare of a house!
I had to get out of it.
“Teva, are you okay?”
Her words sounded soft and caring, echoing in my head.
I leered at her, my fury swallowing me whole. “As a matter of fact, I’m not. How soon after Dad le
arned about you and Edgar did he take his life?” I could barely swallow, but I had to know the answer. I patted my chest in an effort to help the lump in my throat go down.
She tried to keep it together but was doing a poor job of it. Whatever. I had no sympathy for her at the moment.
“He walked in on us.”
Holy shit! My mouth fell open. “You and Edgar slept together in this house while Daddy was still alive? What the hell is wrong with you?”
I reached for the doorknob, keeping a firm grasp on it because I had no intention of staying.
“It just kind of happened. It wasn’t planned.”
Yeah, right.
I glared at her. “It never is, is it? Why did you do it?”
She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “Your father and I had a lot of problems you didn’t know about. His business was suffering. He became distant. He isolated himself from everyone who loved him.”
“That’s a sign of depression.” Moron. I purposely left that part out. “Why didn’t you try to help him?”
“He wouldn’t let me. I tried, multiple times. Once he knew the truth about me and Edgar, he went off the deep end.”
“Imagine that. I think you handled the situation splendidly. Don’t you?”
“How dare you judge me in my own home!”
I mimicked her expression, tightening my lips in a fine line. “All these years…” I glanced up at the ceiling, shaking my head in disbelief. “All these years, you let me believe Daddy suffered from depression and killed himself because of it. It was me who found his lifeless body upstairs.” Tears now streamed down my cheeks. “You never once took any responsibility for contributing to his death, so don’t even try to justify yourself to me. It won’t work. It will never work.”
“I won’t take responsibility for his suicide, Teva. He made the decision to end his life. Not me.”
“But maybe—”
“There are no maybes. He made a choice, and I won’t continue to bury myself in guilt any longer over it. I deserve to keep living. That’s the choice I’m making for myself.”
“How enlightening.” I spoke in a monotone. “Self-care is crucial. I tell that to my patients on a daily basis. Now it’s time for me to take my own advice. I’m making the choice to leave this house and never return. Please don’t contact me. I need some time to deal with and think through this.”
I turned the doorknob, opened the door, and stepped outside onto the walkway. The fresh air hitting my face was a welcome reprieve.
She touched my shoulder from behind. I shrugged her off. “Don’t.”
I didn’t bother to look back. I got in my car and drove off without so much as a goodbye.
26
Joey
“Thank you for agreeing to come.” Dani squeezed my hand during our drive south on the interstate. Her hand trembled.
“I’m doing this for you.” I cast my eyes on her, then back at the road ahead of me.
“I know you are. And I appreciate it. As much as you don’t want to admit it, I think this will benefit both of us in the end.”
She could think what she wanted. I wholeheartedly disagreed.
The rest of the drive was spent in silence, though her body screamed with tension. The two of us remained lost in thought with only the sound of the radio playing in the background filling the space around us.
When we pulled into the cemetery, my heart started pounding harder than it had during the entire drive. I stopped the car. I peered over at Dani and shook my head. “I don’t think I can do this.”
She reached over and clutched my hand, hers visibly shaking. “I feel like shit inside. My stomach’s in knots.” She balled her hand into a fist. She exhaled. “Let’s do it together, the same way we’ve done everything else.”
I sighed, doubting I could face my father’s grave. I still had no clue how the man had died.
“Come on. Please, park the car. I can’t take the anticipation any longer. I’ve got to get outside in the fresh air. I want to get the inevitable over with.”
I located a parking spot, and we exited the vehicle. My breaths became more rapid as we strode the path toward the small group of people huddled under a tent. I could barely swallow and had left my bottle of water in the car.
“We’ve got this,” Dani whispered.
If she could only hear how unbelievable she sounded in her encouragement.
For her. Do this for her.
I kept repeating the words to myself.
We walked to the tent hand in hand and found a space in back to camouflage ourselves. Sure, we got a few glances here and there but for the most part went unnoticed.
Our mother stepped in front of the guests to make a speech. Dani held my hand with a stronger grip.
“Thank you all for joining me today.” Tears spilled from her eyes.
Others in the crowd dabbed theirs as well. If they only knew the truth about my father, they’d be cheering instead.
“Arnie was the love of my life. I fell in love with him the day I met him. We brought two beautiful children into this world, and it pains me to this day that he didn’t get to spend more time with them.”
What the fuck? I couldn’t hold in my choking cough. She had to be kidding me with her delusional thinking.
My little outburst brought attention to me and Dani. My mother grabbed her chest when she discovered the two of us standing in back of the tent. Another woman rushed to her aide in support, wrapping her arm around her. Dani squeezed my hand tighter, to the point numbness set in. Maybe the rest of my body would follow suit, so I wouldn’t have to feel such intense anger.
“He didn’t deserve for his life to end the way it did, at the hands of another.”
Dani and I eyed each other. Our father had been murdered? Hmm, kudos to the guy who committed the crime.
“But unfortunately, we can’t control the acts of others. Arnie will forever be in my heart and remain my one and only.” She dabbed her eyes with the tissue she held and lowered her head.
The priest took over and finished the crock-of-shit service.
Dani and I remained to witness the casket get lowered into the ground. I wanted to make sure the man was buried six feet under with no possible means of escape.
We sat on a small concrete bench nearby and watched the wooden container sink deep into the earth. Neither of us spoke.
We sat in silence, viewing the man with a shovel toss dirt on top of the casket, removing our father from our sight forever.
Dani leaned her head on my shoulder, our hands joined together.
Fuck! Our mother walked toward us. I tugged Dani’s hand to get her attention. Our mother stopped in front of us.
“Thank you both for coming. It truly means the world to me to see you here in support of your father.” She repeatedly blinked her eyes. It did nothing to stop her tears from flowing.
In support of our father?
Christ, she was still deranged as ever.
“We didn’t come for you.” My words came out like daggers. What the fuck ever. I didn’t care if I hurt her. She had hurt me more than she could ever imagine. Besides, did she honestly think I’d stand up and take her in my arms to comfort her? Where was she when her daughter needed comforting?
“Well, I’m still glad you came.” She forced a smile, her lips twitching. “A few of the guests are coming back to the house. You’re free to join us.” A touch of hope filled her eyes.
Is she serious?
My face tightened at the nerve of her. I bit back a response.
Dani took a deep breath and gave our mother the slightest bit of eye contact, the first time Dani had acknowledged her presence in front of us. “No. We solely came to see our father get the punishment he deserved.”
I wrapped my arm around my sister, nodding to her in assurance, indicating she should use her voice. She had this.
“No man deserves to die at the hands of another,” our mother rebutted, her tone cold.
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br /> “Didn’t you brainwash us as youngsters to believe that what goes around comes around? Maybe it was fate,” Dani snapped. She faced me. “Joey, I’m ready to leave now.”
“How can you say such an awful thing? He was your father, Daniela. Do either of you even have a heart?” She glared at us as if we were the guilty parties.
“Bigger ones than you and Dad combined. It was good to see you, Mother.”
Our mom stood quiet for a minute, at a loss for words for once in her life.
“I love you both dearly.” Her tears resumed as did her attempt at winning me and Dani over. “I wish you would let me make things right between the three of us.”
“You can’t undo the past. What’s done is done. Too many wrongs have taken place. In my own way, I’m working on forgiving you, but it doesn’t mean your behavior is forgotten nor does it mean I want you in my life. I also want you to know I pray for you every day.”
Fuckin’ A. My sister did me proud with her little speech.
Dani rose, pushed past our mother, and stomped toward the car. I rushed after her.
“Joey!”
I stopped in my tracks. I spun around to face my mom, not saying a word. She handed me an envelope. It had both mine and Dani’s names scribbled across the front of it. I nodded at her, folded the letter in half, and shoved it in my pocket.
Dani waited for me next to the passenger door. I unlocked the car, and we both climbed inside, neither of us talking.
I replayed the words she’d said to our mother as we drove north to our apartment. Dani had come far. I didn’t think I was at the same point as she was in regard to trying to forgive our mother for enabling our father’s shameful behavior. But I did feel a sense of relief, knowing he was gone from our lives forever. Hallelujah!
My feelings were a jumble: confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, a cornucopia of emotions all at the same time. I had difficulty identifying which feeling I felt at any given moment because they were all kind of scrambled together.
Upstairs in our apartment, Dani went straight to the couch and settled herself, somewhat robotically, into a lounging position.