by Faith Starr
I pushed her feet aside, so I could sit next to her. I removed the envelope from my pocket and studied it for a minute.
She sat up and pointed to the letter. “What’s that?”
“Mom handed it to me before we left.”
She took it from me, unsealed it, and pulled out the contents. “Do you want me to read it aloud or to myself?”
“Out loud.”
I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes, anticipating an earful.
My dearest Daniela and Joseph,
I sit and stare at this paper, not knowing how to put what I feel into words. My hope is that you’ll be at the service, so I can give it to you, since you won’t accept my calls or give me the opportunity to speak with you in person.
First and foremost, I want you both to know I love you with all my heart. You may not have agreed with decisions that were made in the past, but hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes we only see what we want to see even if it’s skewed.
I can’t expect you to forgive and forget, but keep in mind there are always three sides to a story, Side A, Side B, and the truth. I guess in this particular case, we believe a different truth.
It’s important for you to know I don’t blame either of you for doing what you felt was right at the time, even though it all but destroyed our family. But what’s done is done—we can’t change what’s behind us.
You have a right to know what happened to your father. He was working in the laundry room and one of the other prisoners took his life. Special care had been taken to separate your dad from the other inmates because of the accusations made against him. It seems the guilty party knew your father was on duty, had a makeshift weapon, and stabbed him to death.
I have now lost everything that had been near and dear to me. I don’t say this to cause guilt or blame, merely to make a point.
My door is open as well as my heart to both of you. Sometimes it takes hardships to bring loved ones together. I’m hoping and praying that in this case, it will bring both of you back into my life.
I don’t expect miracles, and I understand that a lot of work needs to be done on both sides, but I’m ready and willing to take that step when you are.
The thing that helps me sleep at night is the knowledge that the two of you are together, looking out for each other. I guess I must have done something right in raising you.
I love you.
Take care of yourselves and each other,
Mom
Dani dropped the letter on the coffee table and rested against the back cushion of the couch. Tears rolled down her cheeks. The two of us sat in the quiet of our apartment.
27
Teva
My mother’s admission caused a smorgasbord of emotions: anger, hurt, disappointment, and it had been days ago. Perchance all of the above. How could she have kept something so important from me for so many years? And here I thought she and I were close. She had betrayed my father’s trust, so in a sense, she had betrayed mine as well. I knew I had no control over her. She made her own choices and decisions, ones I didn’t necessarily agree with. How disheartening to think that this was the path she’d chosen to take. Most of all, it was pathetic and sad. My poor father, who’d decided to give up on life rather than push ahead.
The first thing I wanted to do when I got home from work was relax on my bed, my mind and body emotionally spent and exhausted from my shift and my heavy emotions.
It wasn’t until I’d put my key into the lock that a man’s voice came in crystal clear. Shit, of all nights for Lily to have company.
I opened the door.
Holy crap!
She was straddling a guy on the couch, naked! Could I feel any more awkward? I didn’t know what to do, what to focus on. The floor won my attention.
They both jerked around to see me, surprise written all over their faces when I chanced a sneak peek to see if the coast was clear. Nope, not yet. Lily covered her exposed breasts. Why bother? I’d seen her boobs a hundred times. Sure, not in a compromising position, but still.
“Hey Teva.” She climbed off the stranger. She tugged the throw resting on the back of the couch and covered herself with it.
Note to self: wash the blanket.
The guy pulled his pants up and buttoned them. She straightened her hair. I took in the textured wall to my left in an effort to prevent seeing any more of the visual nightmare in front of me.
Lily approached. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?”
Did she really think I’d answer her question in front of her fuck buddy? Be real.
“I’m fine.”
Not really.
She eyed me suspiciously. I simply smiled and set my things on the kitchen counter.
“This is Jake. He’s finishing up his residency in OB/GYN. We met at the hospital.” She nodded toward him. Her whole face lit up.
Jake continued to adjust his slacks, the bulge in them still present. Now I wanted to crawl underneath my covers instead.
“It’s nice to meet you, Jake.”
I slipped my phone out of my purse and got myself a glass of ice water.
“You as well.”
“Teva works in the psych ER.”
“I’ll be in my room. Enjoy yourselves.” I wasn’t in the mood to engage in bullshit conversation.
I took an uneventful shower, then put on an oversized tee and got cozy in bed. Eventually I’d have to change my sheets. But not yet. The pillowcase still smelled like Joey. Perhaps I could wash everything but the pillowcase.
The thought of him had me pulling the pillow into my arms for comfort. I hadn’t heard from him since he’d dropped me off Tuesday morning from the hotel. Now it was Friday evening. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I hoped whatever emergency he had faced was resolved.
Actually, it was kind of selfish of me not to reach out. I retrieved my phone from my nightstand and typed him a short message.
Teva: Hey. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. I know you had an emergency to attend to but wanted to make sure you’re okay. I’m here if you want to talk.
I set the phone back down on the nightstand, knowing I wasn’t going to get a response any time soon. Call it intuition.
The pillow remained in my grasp all night. Pathetic, I know. I woke up with it still cradled in my arms.
Surprisingly, with all the shit consuming my thoughts, I had slept remarkably well. It must have been the pillow.
Dressed in my robe, I opened my bedroom door, giggling tormenting my ears. Crap, Lily still had company. She was a bit of a free spirit when it came to men. Not that I considered her to be a slut in any way, shape, or form, but in her world, frequent one-night stands weren’t off the table. At least this guy had a career. Most of the winners she brought home were nothing to write home about.
Come to think of it, I wanted to have a talk with her about bringing strays to the apartment. Yeah, Yeah, I know, I had brought Joey home the night I met him, but that wasn’t my point and a one-time occurrence. I had concerns about strange men entering our private space. She could do as she pleased with no judgments on my part, but I too resided in the apartment; therefore, boundaries had to be set.
After washing up in my bathroom I went into the kitchen to make coffee. They were sitting at the table eating breakfast.
“Good morning, sunshine. Want some pancakes?” Lily held up a forkful before shoving the food into her mouth. “There’s plenty.”
“No, thanks.”
I went about my business. I took my mug into my room, where I set it on my nightstand. I opened my laptop. Might as well get ahead of myself, review notes and complete more school assignments, since I’d be on shift for the next two days.
My phone sat innocently all by its lonesome on my nightstand. Staring at it reminded me it needed to be charged. I plugged it in. While I had it in my grasp, I figured I’d check to see if Joey had written me back.
Nope.
Nothing.
Nada.<
br />
I wouldn’t reach out again. I didn’t want to come off as pushy or overbearing, but concern filled me because he had been so off-kilter when he’d dropped me off days ago.
The curiosity killed me as far as the status of his emergency. Maybe a little Internet research would fill me in on some of the details.
With my laptop situated on my folded legs in front of me, I got busy typing, briefly stopping to scrunch some pillows behind me for back support.
Steam had such a huge following. Impressive if you asked me. I watched some live footage of the charity concert I’d attended along with pictures and interviews with the guys. There were also lots of videos and snapshots from the various concerts they’d played around the country.
The three guys were each marvelous entertainers in their own right. They put their hearts and souls into playing their music.
When a live version of the song “Long Gone” played, I repeated it a couple of times, finding alternate versions to listen to in a mission to figure out the meaning behind the lyrics.
Coming home late
Lots of things to do
Or maybe I just say that
So I don’t have to see you
I pushed the pause symbol, so I could study the words. This video in particular displayed the lyrics on the screen with the song playing in the background, basically a blue screen with white words.
Who was it Joey didn’t want to see, his father in prison perhaps?
Your vision is so clouded
By the voices in your mind
They’re loud enough for all to hear
Yet you keep replaying them, push rewind
Verbal abuse, perhaps? I rubbed my chin and reread the verse.
Your vision is so clouded
By the voices in your mind
They’re loud enough for all to hear
Yet you keep replaying them, push rewind
Unsure, I continued with the song.
Long gone but not forgotten
The torment never ends
Long gone but not forgotten
A heart that will never mend
Maybe these words explained his reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship. For all I knew he had a broken heart from something that’d happened in his childhood.
Yes. That made perfect sense. Sadly, I could totally relate.
I dragged the cursor over the arrow, resuming the song.
I kept stopping and starting it so I could let the lyrics sink in. That was me, perpetually analyzing. Guess that’s why I had chosen the field of psychiatry.
Is it?
I’d been asking myself that question a lot lately.
Sorry doesn’t cut it
It’s just a word to you
Your actions are much stronger
It’s not what you say but what you do
I concluded he had to have suffered some kind of physical and/or verbal abuse. That much I’d gathered.
Your actions are much stronger
It’s not what you say but what you do
The meaning was right in front of me, printed in black-and-white. Well, in this case, blue-and-white.
Maybe I am stronger
Or broken up inside
Long gone are those days
I no longer have to hide
But he was hiding. Joey kept himself locked tight, a closed book. Sure, he opened himself up physically. But emotionally? Nothing. He remained sealed. I frowned at the thought. I so wanted him to confide to me.
I propped my pillow higher behind me because it had started to sink down.
Long gone but not forgotten
The torment never ends
Long gone but not forgotten
A heart that will never mend
Say goodbye to what once was
It will never be again
I am scarred and changed forever
For the torment never ends
I wiped a stray tear with the back of my hand. I had the feeling Joey being scarred and his father being incarcerated were somehow related.
Long gone but not forgotten
The pain will never die
Long gone but not forgotten
It’s time now to say goodbye
Whatever these words represented revealed some heavy shit.
I moved on from the videos in search of something different. And boy did I hit the gold mine. I discovered a bunch of articles about the band. One in particular had my eyes all but glued to the screen.
Arnold Fine, father of Joey Fine, lead singer and keyboardist of the band Steam, was laid to rest Wednesday. Arnold Fine had been incarcerated for several years. No news yet as to the cause of death. Reliable sources say the two had no contact with each other and hadn’t for years. Joey and his sister, Daniela Fine, also a songwriter for Steam, were seen leaving the service earlier this week after having what appeared to be an altercation with a woman sources say is their mother.
We are the first to report this breaking entertainment news. Stay tuned for more details as they arrive.
Holy shit! My mouth fell open in surprise. Joey’s father died? No way. This story had to be tabloid news. He would have told me something as important and big as this. Wouldn’t he have?
He’d told me he had a family emergency to attend to but wouldn’t reveal any details.
This had to be it. I clenched my jaw in frustration. Sure, he couldn’t tell me about his father’s death, yet the frickin’ tabloids had already gotten hold of the story. The picture of Joey and Dani getting into his car at the cemetery only confirmed the words written in the article.
Damn, Joey! He didn’t trust me enough to tell me his father had passed away, a major happening in someone’s life. And here he said he didn’t view me as a groupie, yet that’s exactly how I felt—fuck me, then leave me. I had the proof right in front of me.
How in the hell had I let myself fall into such an obvious trap?
I sighed, feeling defeated. He hadn’t even responded to my text. It wasn’t a prying one either. All I did was ask him how he was doing, and the son of a bitch didn’t even have the decency or courtesy to reply. Screw that. I deserved better than to be treated in such a pitiful manner.
I set my laptop on the bed next to me. How sad I had to find out this news from the Internet rather than from Joey himself. He and my mother would get along splendidly. They both loved to keep secrets. Sure, Joey wasn’t a blood relative, and we hadn’t known each other for long, but still. He had agreed not to see other women. That had to count for something. Shit. That was what it counted for. How did he expect our relationship to progress without communication?
Not that it mattered. This situation made it perfectly clear that whatever Joey and I had was now a thing of the past.
So much for reviewing my class notes and working on another assignment.
I dressed in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. I had to get my ass outside in the fresh air instead of wallowing in the stuffy confines of my apartment. I stuck my phone inside its holster and attached it to the side of my shorts.
With my earbuds in place, I adjusted the volume and headed for the front door. At least I didn’t have to face Lily and Jake, who were probably in her bedroom. It was a good thing I had my earbuds in with music blasting through them, so I could drown out whatever sounds might be penetrating through the thin walls of her bedroom. No, thanks.
As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I took off running. The cool air blew against my cheeks, in my hair.
I ran by the small shopping center located two blocks from my apartment, through a neighborhood where a few people walked their dogs, and over to the local park, where I collapsed on a bench, panting and holding on to my knees for support.
Some young moms shadowed their toddlers around the play structure. A few preschoolers chased each other, all of them joyous and carefree. I contemplated the simplicity of life at those young ages.
A little girl with the cutest Shirley Temple curls fell and sta
rted to cry. Her mom picked her up and comforted her. Once again, I thought about Joey. I wanted to comfort him in his time of need. But then realized I could use a bit of comforting myself. My heart wasn’t in the best shape either.
I trudged over to the public water fountain and took a long drink. I then left to go home, Jake gone. Woo-hoo! Let’s hear it for small miracles. Lily stood in front of the sink, washing breakfast dishes.
“Wow. Please go take a shower.” She shooed me away.
“Thanks.” I smiled and got myself a tall glass of water. “So, who is this Jake character?” I leaned against the counter while she continued to rinse the dishes in the sink.
“I met him while on shift. We’ve been flirting around for a couple of weeks. He asked me to dinner. Voilà, cut to today.”
“I’m assuming the date went well.”
She faced me. “Like you’re one to talk, Miss Bring-Home-a-Rock-Star after seeing him in concert?”
Well, well, well, wasn’t she all full of herself on this beautiful afternoon? When it came to this topic, I was nonnegotiable with my terms. She knew exactly where I stood about bringing stray men back to the apartment. Joey had been the exception to my rule.
“Now that you’ve brought it up, I actually wanted to discuss bringing dates home.”
She instantly became defensive: hands on hips, a full-on scowl. “And you don’t?”
“Joey’s the only one-night stand I’ve ever had. Other than Dr. Shithead, there’s been no one else.”
“And the reason for that is because you’re so closed off and won’t allow a man to get close to you. I’m not talking mentally either. I’m talking all aspects.”