by Faith Starr
Huh? I couldn’t believe she’d just said that to me. Screw her. I didn’t need her psychoanalysis of me right now. I mirrored her stance, adding a clenched jaw to reveal my anger, but I reeled it in. We’d get nowhere with this conversation if we attacked each other. That meant I’d have to suck it up and act like the adult.
I took a calming breath. “The point I’m trying to make is it makes me uncomfortable. Your dates are strangers, and you’re bringing them into the safety of our apartment. It’s one thing if you’ve been seeing a guy for a while.” I waved my hand. “You know the point I’m trying to make.”
“Fuck you, Teva. You make it sound like I trash myself around and give myself freely to men on the street.”
Her harsh reply took me by surprise. “I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it.”
“It sure sounded that way to me.”
Focus, and get it back together.
“I apologize. I certainly didn’t mean for it to.”
She sighed, her chest rising and falling rapidly. “Apology accepted. I’ll take your concerns into account and try to respect them.”
Wooh, what a relief. Our conversation could have had a totally different outcome. An awful one. I’m glad my apology calmed her to the point she was willing to hear what I had to say.
“Thanks, I’d really appreciate it. I’m going to take a shower.”
“Sounds like a great idea.” She again shooed me away.
I smiled and left for the bathroom, relieved we had reached an amicable agreement.
As I washed my hair, I thought about Lily’s words. Joey had been a one-night stand, which had turned into several nights. In that short period of time, he’d managed to creep underneath my skin and mean something to me. Obviously, the feelings weren’t mutual, which bothered me more and more. Actually, hurt would be a better word to describe it.
28
Joey
Dani and I struggled through the next few days. She lived on the couch, holding her famed heating pad on her stomach, only getting up to eat, use the bathroom, and sleep. I forced her to call her therapist. I also drove her to the appointment because my sister was a mess. I didn’t know what more I could to do to help her get through this.
I basically hung tight, riding solo, remaining primarily in my room. I had my own shit to work through while dealing with my father’s unexpected but fortunate death. I worked out in the downstairs gym and worked on music in my bedroom and home studio too.
On Saturday, while the two of us chilled on the couch, Dani picked up our mom’s letter and skimmed over it. She had probably done so a hundred times since first reading it. I hadn’t bothered to give it a second glance.
“It says he got murdered by another inmate.”
News flash ─ I already knew. She’d mentioned it twenty fucking times in the last forty-eight hours alone!
“The guy who killed him probably knew what kind of crime Dad committed. Even inmates hate scumbags like Dad.”
She nodded, acknowledging my words, a hint of sorrow filling her.
“Please tell me you don’t feel sorry for him?”
She set the letter on the table and gave me her undivided attention. She tucked her legs underneath her. “I don’t feel sorry for him at all. He was a poor excuse of a man, a human. What I feel sorry for is how messed up everything became in our family.”
A few tears escaped her eyes. I reached over and wiped them with the back of my finger.
“You’re my family, Dani, and I’m yours. We don’t need anyone else, especially those who don’t have our backs.”
She fumbled with her hands. She drew small circles on her upper thigh with her finger. “I can’t believe Mom still doesn’t believe us. As though her truth exists and ours doesn’t.”
I seized her hand, making sure to make eye contact with my next point. “But we know the truth. We were there. We lived it. She wasn’t, and she didn’t. If our own mother doesn’t believe or trust us, I, for one, have no room for her in my life. You can do as you please. I won’t be mad if you choose to talk things out with her, but whatever it is you decide, leave me out of it.”
She exhaled, slumping down. “I’m not saying I want to build a relationship with her, especially right now. But seeing Dad get buried in that casket is kicking up a lot of old shit. I figured it would but didn’t realize how much.”
Her tears fell freely now. I pulled her into my arms and held her, allowing her to cry her emotions out. She rested her head against my chest, shivering from the release.
“Let it out,” I encouraged, stuffing my own emotions.
Once she settled down, I ordered in some food. She said she wasn’t hungry, that her stomach hurt. It always did when she was stressed, but I wanted her to eat. I also knew she wasn’t up for visitors, but I invited the guys over anyway, assuming a bit of distraction never hurt anybody. Besides, Logan and Trevor had been in our lives when all the shit went down. I believed company might help her mood. If nothing else, it definitely would mine.
The guys showed up at about the same time as the food delivery. I set the Chinese food containers on the coffee table with a bunch of plates, napkins, and forks.
“I brought some movies.” Logan placed them on the corner of the coffee table. I had folded my mom’s letter and put it on Dani’s dresser prior to their visit. I had no use for it. Dani could burn it for all I cared.
“Starship Troopers?” Dani let out a drawn-out sigh, rolling her eyes.
He shrugged. “What? It’s a great flick. I also brought some ’80s classics. You love those. Better Off Dead with John Cusack and Can’t Buy Me Love with Patrick Dempsey. Those two are more for you than us.”’
Kudos to him for trying to cheer her up. Deep down, Logan had a great heart.
“I brought Uno Attack. We had some good times playing that game on the tour bus. Do you remember?” Trevor grabbed it from the kitchen counter and shifted things around on the coffee table. He placed the movie cases on top of the game.
“I love you guys.” Along came another onset of tears.
Logan shifted uncomfortably in his armchair.
Trevor sat on the couch next to her. He wrapped his arm around her and stroked her hair. She rested her head in the crease of his arm and chest. His gesture, although meant out of the kindness of his heart, irked me. But then again, I didn’t want any guy touching my sister, even one I considered family.
Needless to say, the guys had done well with distracting Dani. We ate straight out of the boxes and watched Starship Troopers while playing Uno Attack. I thought it had done an excellent job of bringing down everyone’s emotions.
The guys slept over, crashing on the couches, while Dani remained awake and watched the other two movies. I left them sleeping and went to bed somewhere in between the second and third films.
The following morning we all went out for pancakes. Dani tried any excuse she could to get out of it, but none of us wanted to hear any part of it.
After breakfast we dragged her along with us to the studio. She could mourn there if she wanted to, but I didn’t want her being alone.
Working on music helped me deal with all the shit taking place around us. I wished it had been more effective, but at least it took the edge off.
We practically lived in the studio for the next several days, laying down some awesome tracks for our new album. My mind remained hyperfocused, crystal clear, flowing with creative juices. Emotional lows usually helped bring out the best in me when it came to making music. And when I wasn’t recording, I kept myself busy by writing and composing. Dani put pen to paper as well and brought some good stuff to the table. I hoped the two of us were beginning the process of healing.
Teva had texted me Friday night to check-in. I knew I behaved like a total dick by not responding. I just couldn’t get into things with her yet. My emotions were still too raw and on the surface. The guys understood my mood swings and shifts in attitude, but I didn’t feel right dumping all of that
on Teva. But time ticked by, and I knew I had to do something to right things between us. If she’d even want to or be willing to hear me out at this point.
Joey: Hey.
Figured enough could be said with one simple word. Maybe it would soften the blow of rejection, which I fully anticipated.
I counted the minutes waiting for something, anything. I pulled my phone out of my pocket every time a text came through. Sadly, none of them were from her.
My mood soured with each passing hour. I kept stopping the guys during the middle of songs, complaining about one thing or another.
“What the fuck is going on with you, Joey?” Trevor rested his sticks on his drums and took a sip of water from the bottle sitting on the floor next to him.
“Sorry. Let’s start again.”
“We’ve started again multiple times. Maybe we should call it a day.”
Logan made his frustration with me evident in his attitude and facial tension, which got Dani’s attention.
“Sure. Let’s take a breather.” I brushed him off with my hand.
I picked up my water bottle and left the studio, heading into the hallway. Of course Dani followed close behind, right on my tail.
“Joey, please talk to me.”
“It has nothing to do with Mom and Dad.”
She scrunched her nose. “Then what does it have to do with?” She stared at me, waiting for an answer she clearly didn’t have a clue about.
“Teva. I never told her about Dad.”
Her mouth fell open. “You never told me that.”
Yeah, her disappointment came across loud and clear. She didn’t have to throw in the motherly tone to go along with it.
“My mind has been a bit preoccupied.”
She frowned. “But you care about her. Why would you leave her out of something so important in your life?”
“I don’t want to discuss this right now,” I snapped. I balled my hand into a fist, trying my hardest to contain my anger. Most of it aimed at myself.
“You never want to discuss your feelings. If you never let anyone in, you’re going to be a sad and lonely person.”
“Guess we’re two peas in a pod, then. Aren’t we?” I upped her insult and felt rotten as a result.
“Screw you, Joey.”
She stormed off, back toward the studio, with me running after her, stopping her before she made it inside the door. I grabbed her arm and spun her around. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I pulled her close and hugged her tight. “But you’re right. I want both of us to find love, and neither one of us will ever do so until we open our hearts to outsiders.” I hated to admit that was what it would take, but Dani was right.
She cried against my chest, making me feel worse to the nth degree. I needed to keep my damn mouth shut while in this current mindset because I couldn’t adequately control what came out of it.
My phone signaled a text. This time, I didn’t rush to check it. And when I did, my heart nearly fell into the pit of my stomach.
Teva: Hey.
Whew. She’d actually responded.
Dani read the text. She rubbed my arm. “Call her.”
I got right to it, choosing to text Teva instead.
Dani went back inside the studio. I mouthed another apology before she closed the door. She flashed me her usual “it’s all good” expression.
One fire out. Time to put out the next one.
Joey: Sorry I’ve been off the radar. I wanted to see if you were free any time soon to grab a bite.
The little dots appeared, which indicated she was typing me a response.
The tiny glowing dots disappeared.
Fuck!
Could I blame her for not jumping up and down at the opportunity? Here I had told her how much I liked her and wanted to pursue what we had started only to completely blow her off. This was why I hated relationships—too much fucking drama. And work.
I went back inside the studio, now ready to call it a day. Dani eyed me from across the room. Logan and Trevor studied me, waiting to hear what I had to say.
“Would you guys mind if we took off?”
They both agreed, but I knew they had a million questions swirling around in their minds about my odd behavior. They respected me enough not to ask any.
Since we had all driven together and their cars were housed in the parking garage at my and Dani’s apartment building, Logan decided to take the wheel.
Dani listened to Logan and Trevor discuss alternative arrangements to enhance some of the new songs. I stared out the window. Nobody said a word about my silence. Nor did they say anything when we got back to the apartment.
Logan and Trevor took off, leaving me and Dani alone in the living room. She dropped down on the couch. I stood next to it.
“Did you talk to Teva?”
She’d probably been holding on to that question ever since I’d walked back into the studio forty-five minutes ago.
“No. I texted her, asking if she wanted to get together, but she never responded.”
“So call her instead of texting.”
“No fucking way. She already rejected me. Why would I want a double dose of it?”
“How exactly did things end when you left her place the night I called you?”
Fuck. I hated rehashing the past. That was why people referred to it as the past, because it was behind them.
“Why, you writing a book? Why don’t you leave this page out and make it a mystery?” I loved using that line on her. It gave me a sick sense of satisfaction.
“Don’t be an ass. Your stupid line won’t work this time to help you deflect from the topic.”
“I’ll tell you this, I never answered her text from Friday night when she checked in on me.”
Dani’s jaw fell open again. “You mean to tell me you simply blew her off as if she never existed? Why would you do such a thing and shut her out, especially at a time like this?”
My anger rose, most of it at myself for being such a dick.
“A lot of shit has gone down this past week, okay? I needed some time to get things right in my head.”
In the kitchen, I got a glass of water. When I came back into the living room, Dani still sat there, waiting for my reply.
I had the perfect one for her. I sank my ass on the couch and reached for the remote sitting on the coffee table. I clicked on the tube.
She pulled the remote out of my hand, aimed it at the TV, and shut it off. I stomped my foot.
“Why didn’t you tell her to give you some space because you were going through something difficult?”
Bloody hell. Why wouldn’t she let this rest?
Not that I could.
“Because at the time I didn’t think about it. Besides, that’s something you as a girl would say. I wanted space, so I took it.”
“And look where it got you.”
Her sarcasm couldn’t have been any louder. I hated when she judged me. It fucking pissed me off.
“I’m not in the mood for a lecture.” I seized the remote from her hand and turned the television back on.
“Fine. But just so you know, I think you’re screwing up a good thing. This is the first woman you’ve met that you’ve actually wanted to spend time with beyond one night. And let me add, a woman who isn’t after you for who you are or what you have. Women like Teva come far and few between.”
I flicked through the channels, trying to tune her out to no avail. Damn. She spoke the truth in every word she said.
“Thanks for the pep talk. I’ll keep it in mind.” I rested my legs on the coffee table, crossing them at the ankles.
She stood in frustration and faced me. “Humph! You’re impossible sometimes, Joey!” She stormed off toward her bathroom and slammed the door behind her.
Hooray for me. Now two women I cared about were pissed at me. Things didn’t get better than this.
29
Teva
It had been a crazy week to say the least. I had an exam
I kicked butt on and had taken on an extra shift. My arm was healing nicely. I ended up removing my own stitches on the weekend. The minor scar would fade with time. At least I hoped it would. Sunblock would be my new best friend.
It was back to my normal routine, minus Joey Fine. Not that I didn’t think about him every waking minute my brain wasn’t occupied with something else.
While I was writing orders on a patient, my phone signaled a text.
Joey: Hey.
Say what? I did a double take, shocked Joey had reached out to me. He had completely ditched me after his family emergency the week prior, and he’d never bothered to respond to my Friday night text.
I stared at the word he wrote on the small screen in front of me in the hopes it would do something or provide me with some insight. It actually did. I saw a lot of meaning behind his one little word. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure how to interpret it.
Did I respond? Or not?
The purpose of his brief text was probably to test the waters to see if I would reply to him. I’d almost bet the guy had never experienced rejection. Well I had, especially over the past week.
Yes or no? Do I write back now? Later?
Later. I wanted to wait so I could think more about what to say.
The ER became inundated with psych patients, so Joey’s text became the last thing on my mind until several hours later. Once my patient load quieted down, I took out my phone to respond to his message.
Teva: Hey.
I gave him exactly what he’d given me, dropping the ball in his court again. My heart pounded hard. The little informant dots underneath my text signaled he was typing a reply. I didn’t know what to expect.
Joey: Sorry I’ve been off the radar. I wanted to see if you were free any time soon to grab a bite.
Off the radar? Try dropped off the face of the earth!